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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is the dating thread 54, all welcome!

999 replies

JulietteMontague · 15/05/2013 23:36

All very welcome to share online and real life dating experiences.

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 16/05/2013 10:35

thanks for the advice everyone. Still no contact from him. It just pisses me off, that he sends a lovely message, asks for mobile number, gets it, then that is it, silence! what is the point in that?!

I don't think I am cut out for this online dating stuff. I am not thick skinned enough and take everything as a personal insult.

I am glad that some of you have got somebody through OD, it is proof that it can work sometimes :)

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 16/05/2013 10:47

Sky the thing is, it has nothing to do with you, anything you did or said. He maybe a game player, he may think he is being cool. Whatever the reason might be, what does matter is that this is behaviour that you are not happy with.

Ike I like an arty, alternative, liberal thinking intelligent man but I have also realised that I don't have the patience for a man who is working on a basically self indulgent project that will never, ever get anywhere any more. Not saying Ruse was in that category, but generally all that can become wearing after a while.

OP posts:
mercury7 · 16/05/2013 10:56

Scum thanks for posting your OD experiences, I think it helps give a more balanced perspective:)
Did you do much OD-ing before you found the lovely bloke?

Ike sounds like he was just a bit too hardcore for you in the eccentricity stakes? Shock :o

JoylessFucker · 16/05/2013 10:56

skye it may be that you're not ready but do stick around for the chat. For most of us, its simply a matter of practice. We've all experienced the "is it me" "why did he do that" "what's going on" and many many more questions. We've earned our thick skin by having been through the angst.

The only difference is that now we almost expect it and so are pleasantly surprised if it doesn't happen. That's when you see even the loved up amongst us having moments of doubt, because surely its got to go wrong ...

VelvetSpoon · 16/05/2013 11:12

Skye if you have half an hour to spare read my epically long post on the other thread, you'll know I (and others on here) have had years and years of this. The image of OD is its filled with attractive, well adjusted shiny haired perfect smiling people, and that finding a good one is easy. Its not, it takes perseverence and a lot of luck, and you need masses of self esteem. It always makes me laugh when people say they did OD as a confidence boost...I'm like wtf??! The disappearers, the rudeness, the rejection just eats away at you. Hence why I think the only way to approach it is feeling great about yourself, because otherwise the bastards will grind you down.

But there are nice men out there. Even I, who has no luck met one eventually, and whilst he may not actually be my boyfriend or anything proper, he is still very lovely :)

Nowstrong · 16/05/2013 11:17

I just cannot read all of your posts to be able to effectively learn from your wise experience. I'm struggling with all this on line lark though...
I have one "suitor", he spends days sending me textos, then yesterday just a little "hello", to which I answered, since then nothing...am I right in not sending anything but just to wait and see....
This is driving me MAD!!!!
Perhaps celibacy is OK after all......

ScumbagCollegeDropout · 16/05/2013 12:02

tigsy Thanks! You can call me Scumbag I kinda like it cos it's the polar opposite of me. Just my sense of humour Wink

Snape Oh I am glad you are not weirded out. Although I can't compete with your movie sex but it's still very good Grin

mercury Well this is where I feel a bit of a fraud. I only did about a couple of months worth of OD. From what I have heard from here it is quite different here in Aus. No cock shots for a start! I was very selective and I believe I made first contact with most of them.

I had some nice convos with a few. Most dropped off. No worries. One was a potential but he worked away a lot so even though we had agreed to meet up it never eventuated and in the end he dropped off from the site.

In a way I was only really on there as the ex had just started a relationship 3 months after our seperation. I felt like 'Sod it, might as well'. So I went on a pub date with one of the blokes I was getting on very well with. It was okay. Chatted about lots of stuff and had tons in common. Ended with him giving me a ride home and getting the cheek kiss of doom (as he puts it Grin ) Before we left the pub however, we did swap fb details. Nice enough bloke I thought, potential friend, didn't fancy him.

We kept in a little bit of contact on fb. A 'Hi how are you' every now and then.

I went off and had a couple of ONS and snogs on nights out. You know, had some single fun I hadn't had for 12 years.

Was drunk one night at the end of January and hadn't been online for a couple of months. Had deleted my OD profile by this point to. Anyway I logged onto FB and had a message from pub bloke. Just a simple 'Hello'. I liked that. I was fed up of the 'Hi gorgeous' type greetings when I hadn't even met them yet. So I gave him my phone number.

We haven't stopped texting since. The more we text each other, the more we got to know each other. He is ridiculously smart, incredibly funny and very sweet (even if he says otherwise). So much in common, same outlook, same beliefs.

We met up again 3 weeks later. Still in the friendzone at this point. Went for a drink, he came back to mine and hung out a bit.

Texted all during the week. Met up again the weekend after. Hung out at mine watching movies, chatting, laughing and drinking. Went to his at some point in the early hours. Fell asleep on his bed. He put his arm over me and stroked my neck The next day I knew I liked him a lot more than what I was letting on. I was holding back.

Slept with him the next weekend. And we have seen each other around 2-3 times a week since late feb. Became official about 3 weeks later (I intiated that conversation). Have also done the whole meet the parents thing. Constant texting throughout. He is utterly lovely and I am so glad we exchanged fb contacts that night last sept. We have both said 'I luff you' but no advancement on that. And I am not rushing. Just enjoying it and him. Oh and even though I didn't fancy him on that first date, I sure do fancy the fuck out of him now Wink

Phew sorry for the epic post. But as I haven't said much about it, this is my OD story. So far a happy ending

If you read all that, you have obviously got way too much time on your hands Grin

keepcalmandkickon · 16/05/2013 12:10

This is happening to me too at the moment!

Got chatting to a nice man, he asked to meet up, I gave him a few days when free, we agreed a date, kept on emailing, then 2 days ago I asked him what the plans were as it was this Friday that we were meant to get together and nothing!!

It is just so strange - why put all that time and effort into emailing / texting etc to then just not bother meeting up? Oh well! To be fair, I think I would actually prefer a night in on Friday but that is not the point Grin

Thatsmyhat · 16/05/2013 12:45

Hello

Am I allowed to join?

I have been single forever and have done all kinds of dating, online, speed, blind, friends of friends etc, no luck. I am half having a break at the moment and half on plenty of fish. I don't expect anything much to come of it because a- it hasn't in the past and b- i don't think most men want an actual real woman. That might be controversial though.

OhWesternWind · 16/05/2013 12:56

Kickon I don't really understand it either, but maybe he got cold feet, or decided he wasn't ready to date, or his wife was around unexpectedly, or whatever. I think there are quite a few people who just like messaging and don't want to take it to a meeting up stage, but it's not fair to lead people on if they're not interested. But when did that ever stop people?

Hello Hat and welcome! You never know, this time it might be different . . .

VelvetSpoon · 16/05/2013 13:00

Keep its so annoying I know. I think the main reasons they do it are a) they are only looking for the ego boost of chatting to/ flirting with someone and don't really ever intend to meet. This group includes those who are nice but just a bit rabbit in the headlights due to recent breakup and aren't really ready to date, the ones who are just social inadequates and can only talk to women online, and a whole other group who are married/ in relationships but need to prove to themselves they can still pull.

Then there's the scattergun approach - guys who are messaging lots of women, ask several for dates and when they get more than 1 reply prob just stick with the one who replied first.

So the message remains, its not you. It is them :)

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 16/05/2013 13:04

Hat Calm and Strong welcome/welcome back Smile

What Velvet* and others have said. It happens so often that someone on here contacted quite a few men on POF and asked them outright if they were actually looking to meet a woman. A very high percentage were not. They would mail, wink, text, even call or arrange dates but had no intention of meeting up. Some were married, some were testing the water to see if they could pull, some wanted the ego boost, some were messed up.

So, it's not you, don't give any headspace to why or you'll end up tying yourselves up in knots Grin

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 16/05/2013 13:05

Hat - welcome! I think you're right about most men who OD. That's certainly been my experience over the last 4 years. I just met one entitled fuckwit after another. Quite a few of whom are now in relationships, but not with women who are in any way a challenge, and therefore probably quite prepared to dance to their tune.

Nice, well adjusted attractive men are few and far between.

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 16/05/2013 13:06

Which reminds me, will someone please tell me where I can find the invorbigun. I'm in the mood for a little dressing gown action.

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 16/05/2013 13:08

Right, can I have a bit of advice about Champagne Charlie please? I am not sure whether I am being taken for a mug here . . . He contacted me on Match, got chatting a bit, he asked me out to dinner. Now whilst this had been going on I had asked him for a photo, none on his profile (quite a basic profile too) and he'd said he would send one soon but none has ppeared as of yet. I'd said we could meet up in about a fortnight and he has gone and booked a restaurant (apparently, bearing in mind the rules). But still no photo and I am a bit concerned . . . not sure whether to cancel or not. Just seems a bit odd, he seems very keen to meet, is fine to chat to, no hint of rudeness or pervery. The proposed date is on a Saturday night too so prime "family" time if he was coupled up but that is the only reason I can think of for no photo or else he is so plug ugly he thinks I wouldn't go out with him, or what?

I am not that bothered about people's photos (unless they are frankly awful and/or have a beard) as they never, ever seem to look like their pictures, so I would be very unlikely to cancel on the basis of his picture. It is just the oddness of it and I want to be able to recognise him if/when we do meet up.

I don't have any safety concerns as it's a busy restaurant, nothing about picking me up or anything so it really doesn't seem dodgy in that kind of way and like I said, no hint of sex pest stuff either.

Advice please! To go or not to go, that is the question.

Thatsmyhat · 16/05/2013 13:09

Yes, I feel very much that when faced with a real woman, who sometimes looks good and sometimes doesnt, who has feelings and opions, who has to do things not just be there for them, that they dont like it. It seems they like a 2d version, but not a real person. Ive been doing this for about 6 years now, I do probably sound cynical, but that is just how I have found it to be.

VelvetSpoon · 16/05/2013 13:14

Western, I wouldn't go absent a photo that I had google immage searched to check it was genuine. I am very sceptical and would be thinking either he has something to hide, or he's not going to turn up.

Have you got his full name? Can you look him up on fb?

Thatsmyhat · 16/05/2013 13:14

Ohwestern, there is no way i would go without seeing a picture. In my experience the ones with no picture have no picture for a reason. I wouldnt comit any time to someone, not even a 30 minute coffee, to someone who couldnt show me their face. I think you should cancel.

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 16/05/2013 13:18

Western I would seize the initative here. On previous dates I have sent a text saying looking forward to our date so I'd like the pleasure of knowing whom I'm meeting. Get his name and then google his arse to within an inch.. In this case I wouldn't meet without a photo as at least a guide, (of course he can give someone else's details but not with a clear photo). The full on dinner and mentions of champagne would put me on alert tbh as he is either starting out ad doesn't know the score or he is being a tad presumptive about his ability to wow you

OP posts:
ScumbagCollegeDropout · 16/05/2013 13:19

I too wouldn't go until I had seen a picture.

I like to see beforehand who I am about to meet so I am not looking like a daft cah all lost and scanning the room.

Original poster
JulietteMontague · 16/05/2013 13:19

and doesn't know the score

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 16/05/2013 13:25

Blimey I have never really got into doing the googling thing, maybe I am missing a trick here! But yes, it strikes me as very odd that he's not sent a picture especially when asked.

TigsytheTiger · 16/05/2013 13:29

western agree with all above, no photo no date! I would be suspicious especially as he said he would send one and hasn't?

TigsytheTiger · 16/05/2013 13:31

Has he said why he has no picture on his profile? I know people don't for many legitimate reasons which they would explain and then pm a photo?

ike1 · 16/05/2013 13:35

Merc I think he was a bit too hardcore eccentric...felt a bit motherly towards him ...never a good start to a sexual relationship...