My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".
mrsmciver · 12/05/2013 12:43
If a 'career woman' wouldn't put up with him long term, why the devil did you then?
Honestly love, I get that you feel better about being better looking than the OW and in general I can't stand the sanctimoniousness on threads when a woman is berated for feeling anger towards an OW - but there is something inherently daft about feeling like it's a competition between two women for what is actually an excruciatingly dull, drippy bloke 
So being obviously much more objective than you can be, from my standpoint I feel just as much frustration with a woman who's got so much going for her wasting her time on your wanker of a husband, as I feel frustration that you think you had to 'put up' with this bloke just because you were dependent on him.
Neither of you should be bothering with wankstains like your ex, if truth be told.
You know what? I can say this now, having been there and come out the other side: you will be OK. Truly you will. Better than OK. And you'll wake up one day and think -- wow! I never imagined life could be this damn good.
And you're only 46! 46 is the new 30! You've probably got another 46 years ahead if you and I bet you're still gorgeous! It's not the end. It's a new beginning.
BUT: it will take a long time, and it will be hard. Find love and support in your girls and your family; they will want to be there for you - don't think you have to be the strong one. It took me 2 whole years to feel vaguely normal and 4 to feel great. But it does get better.
And have a BIG HUG 
I divorced my XH for UB stating four counts of inappropriate contact with OW and solicitor put her first name down. That was his decision.
OW and her H and XH didn't like it 
MrsM - I waver between good days and bad but on the whole I'm doing OK twelve months on. I still get times of total despair where I cry and say "how could he", but at the same time my life is continuing and I am still here.
My XH's OW is still with her H, still cheating on him afaik. His head is so far up his arse he simply won't believe that his mate would do that to him so they hide in plain sight.
You will get through this, hour by hour, day by day, until you have got through a week, a month, a year.
It won't be easy , but there is no way round it. And your family need you, so you will get through it.
Save your strength for your legal battle, the divorce, the settlement. Make sure that you get what you are entitled to.
Dearest Mrs M
its a while since I answered, but wanted to agree with Penelope and say that it is really important that you now begin to 'choose' how you act and react.
I am not being heartless in any way, but you need to go hunt for your dignity and wrap it around you. That's not easy and it is going to be nothing more than a facade for a while, but it is so important for you and will become a substitute spine that gets you through. We have all had to do is use a mask of dignity while "the rest of us" catches up. This is not glib. Any sense of worth I had was already on the floor when I split from my ex, and the discoveries that ended it reduced me nothing - I think most people here will have felt the same - but you start by wearing the facade and little by little it turns into the real thing.
You need to apply the mask for so many reasons .....but mainly because it gives you a strength that you don't really feel. It will also, finally, put him on the back foot for a change. It really doesn't matter 'why' or what the details were, at the moment .....what does matter is that stopping contact and/or refusing to engage in conversations will give you a tiny amount of distance, and that will let you re-group your mental defences (and you really need them, now).
I am sure many of us have revisited our own journeys, step by step, with this thread, so we are not just offering trite 'pull yourself together' views. Now is about the right time to sit yourself down, shake out the initial overwhelming horror, and say "right - the b is not going to see me crawl, or hear me cry, any more".
Some more flowers, because you are being very brave.
......you could start by beginning a continuation thread "this is My Life"
MrsM
You've got to get through this, the only thing i've left is my dignity and pride, and the knoweledge i've done my best for my two youngest sons.
Thats what you've been doing, carry on, 18 months on after my separation i've just had a bad few weeks (ex has moved out of his rented house and in with his gf so he doesn't need to worry about our joint bad credit rating) , but i'm telling myself i've managed this far so i can do the rest.
Everyone above is right with their advice, just stick with it, see your ex as little as poss, never if you can, use your energy to deal with the divorce and more importantly the finances and child access. Concentrate on making a new life for yourself. This weekend i've no social things arranged, mainly because my two closest friends, ones ill herself, the other has a parent in intensive care can't see me. Its not doing me any good, been out for lunch with my two youngest sons now they want to do their own thing, so i'm left alone, well be walking the dog for the next two hours, hopefully seeing other dog walkers i can talk too.
Tomorrow my ex has them, its our youngest sons birthday next week, his Dad has refused to see him on the day, so hes out tomorrow. Going for a meal with his gf, neither boy wants her there but their Dad invites her. It will tear my apart to know they will be with another woman, but i won't show that to my sons, its hard enough for them as it is without worrying about me too.
I'll just comfort myself with the thought that its me they'll be with on the actual birthday, thats what they'll remember in the future.
for you xx
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
M you are definately getting better! Seeing him for what he is. Good. The fighting spirit is kicking in - see NOT your death at all is it. It's your LIFE 
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.