Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

[mrsmciver]

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

[mrsmciver]

Joy5, that is so awful. I am really sorry. I wish I could help I really do, you said you have good friends? Please lean on them too. You said they have their own lives to lead, and their own problems, but good friends have very broad shoulders and will always be there to listen to you.
Can you chase your ex up to pay the mortgage payments and loan? Not sure how this would work but if it is a joint mortgage then am pretty sure he must still be responsible for the bills too. x

[Joy5]

Mrsmciver
My firends are brilliant, but they have their own problems too, my two closest friends both have close relatives seriously ill so trying not to lean on them this week, but offer support instead.
i had to take legal action to keep my ex away from me last year due to his anger towards me, so only contact now is through email or text, which he ignores. Which is an improvement on the nasty texts and emails i was getting.
The mortgage is more then the Child Support Agency expects him to pay, so not a lot i can do about him missing payments, the building society told me they won't take action unless we get six months in arrears and up to now hes only missing payments every few months, but whenever the house is sold i will make sure the arrears come out of his share of the profits however small they are. I'm learning theres some battles i can't win at the moment, but when the time is right i will make sure i win! So i'm biding my time on the mortgage.
I'm really sorry you're going through something similiar too, and thank you for your support, it helps :) xx

[mrsmciver]

Yes that's what my mum and I were saying today at lunchtime. Think of all the women out there who are in the same position, have been left abandoned by their partners. It can give us strength knowing we are all in the same boat, granted some things are different but we have been devastated, with broken hearts and sick with worry for the future.
If we think like that when we are very down, then hopefully we can draw strength and support from each other and know that there are other women out there just like us, trying to carry on, trying to give their children a good, happy home, battling against the tide, somedays doing it easier than others. xxx

[badinage]

I think one of the best lessons women can learn from this experience to pass on to their daughters is never to invest your whole life and your financial survival, in one man.

Even the best blokes might lose their jobs, get ill - die even . Plus to be fair, everyone's got the right to leave a relationship if they're not happy and although they should never walk away from their financial and fathering responsibilities, I don't think they should have to live in penury for the rest of their lives either.

I think you'll start to feel better once you start working with a lawyer on a fair and just settlement that will reflect your incapacity for work. I think once you aren't financially dependent on this nasty man, you'll feel much more dignified and more like your own woman.

[Isabeller]

{{hugs}} mrsmc I am so glad you are getting such good support on here. I wish I'd had MN 12 years ago (my DD was also approaching crucial exams) when my marriage ended in a similar way. I felt my life was over and the person I was died a painful undignified death. I had a breakdown and wrecked my life in many ways but by a miracle survived and recovered.

Anger helped, I wouldn't go back but I could have done a better job of looking out for my interests, I'm sure every one on here will try to make sure you get that right.

Today life is very different and I am a very different person. I've had experiences I'd never have had and the best bit is that DD survived and did well

[mrsmciver]

Isabeller, yes anger does help and was helping me there. But I saw him tonight and had a meltdown again. I am up and down all the time, this angry, then pathetic woman. I don't know where I am anymore. Am now distraught. He has now taken off his wedding ring. I cannot cope with this. I will never get through this grief, I defininitely know in my heart there will never be anyone else ever again as I have loved him too much and laid my soul wide open. I do not want to live like this, am not strong enough.
I want him home but he is never coming home. There is no other woman for him to go to. In some awful weird way I feel more terrible as he is leaving me for nobody.
God I am so pathetic, no wonder he is leaving.

[PenelopePortrait]

badinage Agree entirely with you and I believe that I have passed that knowledge onto my DD. The only person you can trust is yourself.

Whilst I don't agree with the cowardly and devious ways these men ( and women) go about leaving their partners, the fact is that if someone doesn't want t be with you, you can't make them want you.

Keep your dignity, self respect and get on with your life, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you beg/plead/crumble.

[eatmydust]

mrsm

You are not pathetic - you are in shock and under extreme stress. You have done nothing wrong. You will get through this grief. I promise you that you will. Many of us have been there - we know how you feel. The pain is unbearable, but you have two DDs and a grandchild on the way to live for. Lots and lots of unmumsnetty hugs for tonight. Stay talking to us.

[skyeskyeskye]

mrsm - i know how you feel, I still want my life to go back to how it was, but the man that I loved has gone, and is now a selfish prick, up to his eyes in debt, obsessed with his mates wife. He hangs out with people 20 years younger than him, going clubbing etc, when all he did when here was fall asleep on a Saturday night. At the age of 49, he is living a young free single life, while I bring up his DD 5yo.

I do think that you should keep an open mind about OW. I know that he says that there is nothing going on, but all his behaviour indicates that there is. the way he is treating you falls in line with "the script".

I am on one of my "up" weeks, where I think that everything will be ok, but some weeks I cry over something every single day.

My friend told me today, that by thinking of him, I upset myself, and that I am wasting energy on him, energy that I should be using on myself.

You are most certainly not pathetic, you are going through a terrible time. The pain feels like it will never go, but it will eventually. Everybody is different and everybody works through things in their own good time.

[badinage]

Look, of course he's got somebody to go to. He wouldn't have had the balls to leave if he didn't. Plus, you've seen the smoking gun with your own eyes. You know who she is and you know that no bloke promises to shave his genitals for a woman he's not sexually involved with. You've seen the e mails yourself.

Try to stop giving him so much power. He is but one very ordinary bloke who's a bully and a liar. He's not your soulmate and you can of course find much better men when you're ready. Your romantic and sexual life isn't over if you don't want it to be.

It might be better communicating with him by e mail for a while, until your emotions are more under control. Don't give this bloke the satisfaction of seeing you so distraught and in pieces. His head's so far up his own arse that he won't feel guilt or sorrow - only contempt and irritation - which will serve to make you feel worse about yourself.

[Mimishimi]

He'd never be able to trust you again because you snooped on his phone?

Oh the poor wounded soul! It is, of course, irrelevant that there was a reason for your suspicions which was then justified by your snooping. Nope, you're just an irrationally jealous woman who would be impossible to live with hereafter. You know what? Just let him go .... nothing seems to eat at them more than the notion that they were not quite so indispensable to your life as they thought. He may seem like he has nowhere to go because he had not quite counted on you finding out just yet. Get a lawyer pronto, press for your full financial dues and leave him to it. At this stage, he hardly gives a crap that he's broken your heart so don't sacrifice your dignity by letting him see all of that. Plant a little seed of doubt in his mind that you are actually heartbroken .... I don't mean by getting silly with other men or that sort of thing but just proceeding as calmly as possible and making it clear that, even without much money, you can envision a life going forward without him. Ask him to further all communication with you through your lawyer or if needs something from the house, to ask your daughters. I would start looking for work though - anything to help you get by...

[mrsmciver]

Hi ladies thank you for your support it really does help.
Yes he does show me contempt and irritation and acts like he hates me.
someone said to me that for every year you are married then on average it takes a month for that year to help recover from! Good god, 3 years of this! Torture.
My daughters have seen a lot and have sworn they will never be beholden to any man ever.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Did you have to see him tonight? It really does help to stay well away from the ex for as long as you possibly can. You were feeling stronger, more together, your sense of humour was returning and then... wham... you met up and you've had a set-back. Limit contact to impersonal methods like e-mail and it's a lot easier to maintain equilibrium. You will get through the grief but you have to be very disciplined about things like contact in order to do it.

[mrsmciver]

Hi Cogito, did not mean to see him at all, went to my daughters to stay away when he was due to come up but he didn't know I was there and he went to her flat and that was that!!
Huge set back, up crying in my sleep again last night, 1 hours sleep if I was lucky. Despair, loneliness, grief. Still not sure if there is someone else, don't know what to think....He swears it was just silly stupid messages and nothing happened. But then he would, wouldn't he, so she would not be named in the divorce.

[badinage]

I'm glad your daughters have received that message.

Now you need to receive it yourself.

Your best bet is to start organising a life totally independent from this bloke. File for divorce and print out the e mails as evidence of unreasonable behaviour. As you're married and have disabilities (registered?) go for a fair settlement. The best are those where you're not going to be dependent on vagaries in the future, such as him losing his job/dying or whatever. As your girls are more or less grown up, get child maintenance for the one who's still in education and try to agree on a lump sum of money/assets that means you can start again and which reflects the sacrifices you made for his career.

I also think that any paid work you are able to do will help you to rebuild your life and your esteem. It's likely that your stress and anxiety levels will eventually decrease when you get used to no longer being in a relationship with this bloke. A lot of stressed and anxious women find that their condition clears up pretty miraculously once the bloke who's caused it is out of the picture .

But I also really do think you're going to reach acceptance quicker if you stop this denial about his affair. A bloke who's just unhappy really doesn't bail out of his marriage suddenly and just before his daughter's exams and he really doesn't send a platonic friend e mails about shaving his genitals for her.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think I said originally that this process is cyclical. Even if you don't have contact there can be something daft sets you off again... a song on the radio or a familiar location. You can't avoid set-backs completely.

People don't get named in divorces these days really.

[mrsmciver]

There is already a song on a tv advert that sets me off, the chocolate advert with Audrey Hepburn singing "Moon River". Was the first dance at our wedding!
This is too much, don't know what to do with myself.
I will defo be seeing about naming her, I will really push for it if at all possible. Nothing like a woman scorned.

[badinage]

There are far more logical reasons for him failing to admit to an affair Mrs. M than not wanting her named in a divorce. As Cog says, that happens only rarely these days and only if there's uncontrovertible evidence of adultery or an admission from the other party. Unreasonable behaviour is far more common and you've got the evidence for that in spades.

Reasons for not admitting it then are:

• He doesn't want to take any blame
  
• He doesn't want an angry husband/partner coming after him
  
• He doesn't want OW blamed for anything, either by you or her own family
  
• He wants to preserve his romance as being Real Love and doesn't want it to be perceived by others as just another tawdry little affair involving a sad little man desperately trying to recapture his youth.
  
• He doesn't want his daughters to think he's a cliched joke of a man who buggered off out of their lives when he met some doozy who flattered his middle-aged ego while boosting her own.
  
• He knows that whereas people accept everyone's right to leave an unhappy relationship, they are less forgiving about infidelity especially where it involves a sick wife and important exams for children.

[mrsmciver]

Badinage, I don't have the e-mails anymore they were on his works phone and he deleted them, but i will never forget them. It was definitely not platonic, don't get me wrong, the intent was there, but not sure if anything did happen.

[badinage]

You won't be able to sue for adultery and 'name her' unless you've got absolute proof or they both admit it.

Just go for UR, one of the biggest grounds for which is infidelity of any kind - and you can prove that. As you can also prove desertion and an unwillingness to be in the marriage.

Are you going to get some legal advice now?

[badinage]

Look it's pretty obvious that something did happen because he left.

You don't need those e mails to prove UR.

[mrsmciver]

She was no doozy. Just a little plain jane of a woman who has a good career and lots of money. She has her own recruitment agency in the north of england.
And he was sooo flattered, know it was not the looks, he was after her money.

[mrsmciver]

Badinage, yes have got legal advice so don't worry, I may be heartbroken and my head is all over the place but am not stupid!! It was one of the first things I did!
Yep, she is married with young kids, so she is cheating on them too. Can a lawyer retrieve those e-mails from ex's work?
He got a taste of something different, power and money, he liked it, and that is what he wants now. Whether it is with her or not, do not know.
Do not believe a word he says anymore, just do not trust him at all.

[badinage]

Gah, intelligence and money have never stopped people being utterly stupid when it comes to lust and romance Mrs M.

I doubt he was after her just because of her money though.

It doesn't matter about her or what she's like. This is about him.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

He is with this ow but he doesn't want your daughters to think badly of him. In 6 months time, he will tell them he's fallen for someone - he'll say they've been friends for a while but it just happened....

You and your girls will know differently though....
And you will think that dozy cow can have him...
Be strong - you're doing really well...