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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread no 53

999 replies

Flipper924 · 06/05/2013 21:48

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

  1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  3. Trust your gut instinct;
  4. If it is not fun, stop

Off we go...

OP posts:
WarmFuzzyFun · 15/05/2013 19:52

Velvet, I wholeheartedly agree with every word.

That's the truth: 'There are no guarantees of success at OD, whatever you do'

OhWesternWind · 15/05/2013 19:56

But there are all ages on here - Rose and SP in their twenties, Wine and Pom and Bant and Dolly (I think) in their thirties, the ubiquitous swathe of forty-something women and some older posters too.

I'm really not aware of people being belittled or attacked if they step out of line. There is no line. We're all doing different stuff which is right for us, and I find the thread generally very non-judgemental and inclusive. It's so weird, some of the posters here seem to be describing a thread I just don't recognise.

Sadly there are no guarantees of anything in life, not just in dating. . .

durestasiesta · 15/05/2013 19:58

Bant and Kin, there have been a fair few posts where people have said they are being ignored, then they all get told they are not being ignored, and then they get ignored again and they go off, quite usually to start a thread somewhere else.

Its not a welcoming thread, yes, its a web page, but people shouldn't have to jump up and down to be heard.Chat away as friends if you want, but then if you want to do that, maybe a different thread, on a different subject is a good way to do this.

durestasiesta · 15/05/2013 19:59

I suspect that might be Westerwind, because you are one of the ones doing it and very much in the clique.

mercury7 · 15/05/2013 19:59

this thread is frankly awful, cliquey and unwelcoming
really?
well you seem awfully interested in it considering that you dislike it so much.
I see lots of threads that I dont like on MN, I stop reading as soon as I relaise it's just not my cup of tea...I mean I have better things to do than read a load of chat that pisses me off, but you apparently, have been doing it since before november, perhaps you should find a more rewarding hobby:)

HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 15/05/2013 20:00

Aw, I clucking love this thread, even if most people neither know nor care who the cluck I am, I couldn't give a toss!

I've followed it for a very long time, so feel like I 'know' lots of you well, from my years of lurkdom, have a massive girl crush on both Velvet and Snape and am developing new girl crushes on all the rest of you too!

Although I did send Bant a fabulous link and he ignored it .

I adore the loved ups, if it wasn't for Nameless, MrNice, MrR&R and their ilk I would never have considered OD, and if it wasn't for the kind encouragement of some of you mother cluckers on here (you especially OWW mwah) I would never have had the bollocks to finally put a profile on POF, and I wouldn't have had the sense to meet up with MrAttractive, and I wouldn't be planning my 4th date with him as we speak!

Rose, I wish I'd had my head as screwed on as you do in my mid twenties.

MsCellophane · 15/05/2013 20:00

New people can't join in as it is so cliquey but the clique are relatively new people and most of them aren't dating so no idea why this is still called a dating thread

The judgement comes from so many people thinking 'the rules' are the way to be, no texting, no chasing and no fwb or ons. The posts don't say this is how I am/how I think, they say this is how things should be and this where it all goes wrong for you - that's a huge change - and again from people with no intention of dating

The person was chased off these boards, not because she was being nasty (though I understand why she turned arsey) She was judged for having and speaking about sex - by people who have the view sex is to be held on to and never to give it away. People were horrible to her - for having sex. She was in the right to fight back. She was judged and we didn't used to do that. We used to laugh about escapades

And velvet, I know I didn't need to fight your corner but I could see where the line of questioning was going - the next thing would be a head tilt... maybe you should try/you are doing this wrong... and we all know all you needed to do was get a picture with draped over a ford escort :)

mercury7 · 15/05/2013 20:02

Duresta, it sounds as if you have been following the thread very carefully and taking notes!
it does seem kind of odd to jump in out of the blue and start telling us all whats whatConfusedConfused

mercury7 · 15/05/2013 20:05

The person was chased off these boards, not because she was being nasty (though I understand why she turned arsey) She was judged for having and speaking about sex - by people who have the view sex is to be held on to and never to give it away. People were horrible to her - for having sex. She was in the right to fight back. She was judged and we didn't used to do that. We used to laugh about escapades

oh we're back to that are we and who I wonder is 'the person'
thats a very 'creative' version of events ya got there MsC Wink

TigsytheTiger · 15/05/2013 20:05

I don't know what the thread was like when it started, I was lurking from about thread 23 and contributing from about thread 27, I had come out of an abusive relationship and just started dating, during my time on the thread I have met a fantastic man and I'm very happy. I had lots and lots of wobbles early on, everyone on here was fantastic and gave me advice and reassurance.

I feel like many of the people on here are now my friends, they entertain me, make me laugh and make me think. I like to still contribute to dating stuff, even though I suppose I fall into the "loved up" category. I haven't forgotten in 8 months what it feels like to start dating and I think I can give honest and helpful advice, infact you don't have to be dating at all to put yourself in someone else's shoes and offer your support and advice. The thread is what it is, no-one is forced to read it, nor are they forced to contribute. If it's so awful don't read it and go somewhere else. Personally the fact that we do discuss, rather than flame people and we do laugh and go off subject is the bit I love most about it.

OhWesternWind · 15/05/2013 20:06

No, like I said before I make a very conscious effort to welcome new people, reply to their questions, respond to as many posts as I can - obviously like everyone I dip in and out and miss great chunks of the thread when I'm busy doing things like, erm, dating ....

It strikes me as really odd that two people who are complaining about the thread are ones who rarely or never post. Why don't you come and join in, redress the balance a bit, talk about what you want to talk about, make your own effort to be welcoming and inclusive instead of just pointing at other people and telling them they're doing it all wrong?

The last time I was in a clique was top juniors.

Scrazy · 15/05/2013 20:06

No guarantees with OD, that's for sure. It might have better odds than sitting in on your own every night. I think meet ups are a better way but we don't have any round here.

durestasiesta · 15/05/2013 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Flipper924 · 15/05/2013 20:10

Oh dear, now I feel bad for coming on here and chatting about stuff other than dating, and for being 40 something, and for not being welcoming enough even though I do try and say 'Hi!' to newcomers and answer any dating queries as best I can.

It's a real shame, if this thread is perceived as cliquey or unwelcoming, because there is so much advice and support. I've never seen anyone being criticised for using the 'rules' or not, for liking casual sex, or not, and so on. Sure, someone might express a different opinion, but that's helpful, isn't it?

Velvet, I think I might agree with what you're saying about the sort of men that approach you (and you did something different to get Cuthbert, so in a way, it was something you were doing that was preventing you getting the second dates - you were waiting for men to approach you, when the only ones that did weren't good enough).

Where I live, in a new town with no university, there appears to be a definite shortage of professional, educated men on OD sites (so slate me, it's my ideal, not exclusion criteria). I do wonder if I come across as intimidating to men who aren't used to strong, independent women, and that's why I got so few dates from OD.

Wine, very pleased for you, you must be very proud that your hard work is reaping just rewards.

WFF, glad you are feeling positive.

In other news, I think I have found my libido. I mislaid it during my split with ex nearly 2 years ago, and it seems to now think I have some catching up to do. I'm currently in a battle with it, as it wants me back OD, and I just don't know if I can face it.

OP posts:
HeyBeenTryingToMeetYou · 15/05/2013 20:11

I couldn't give a shit whether regulars here aren't always consistent with what they post elsewhere. I would have to be slightly stalkerish to even know that. Hmmmm.

mercury7 · 15/05/2013 20:12

I get laid at least once a week..doesnt seem to help with the vitriol...then again no one else has described me as 'acid tounged'
anyone care to comment on my venomous-ness? :O

durestasiesta · 15/05/2013 20:13

Not stalkerish if you read it on another thread. It is an open forum afterall.

mercury7 · 15/05/2013 20:14

searching peoples posts and comparing what they say on different threads...wow thats weird & obsessive dedication:o

Djangounhinged · 15/05/2013 20:14

As a several-months lurker, I would like to officially de-lurk and say hello..... Have I picked a good time?! Wink

I'm about 8 months separated and not quite sure if I'm ready to date.... I know my DCs (12 and 10) certainly aren't ready for me to openly be dating, so if I do find someone to meet up with, it would be strictly when they're with their dad for now.

Not sure if I'd be more open to grown-up dating if I hadn't been having a mostly-text fling with a very fit young man.... He's very hot and cold lately, but I'm reluctant to totally break contact with him, as when he's being hot it's a lot of fun! But there's no relationship potential there at all. Several times I've thought he's disappeared for good, then up he pops again. Sometimes quite literally Wink.

I've signed up to POF, with a hidden profile, as I recognise a few of my exH's friends on there.... And I'd rather control who gets to see me as I live in a small and gossipy town.... Met someone off there a couple of months ago, we had so much in common! Then as soon as I saw him I wanted to run away - I just didn't fancy him and felt it would be a waste of time to continue. One laboured coffee later I made my excuses.....

This week I've been chatting to someone else my own age-ish (I'm 41) so will see how that goes.

Anyway if it hadn't been for this thread, I'd be taking my first tentative post-split steps thinking I'd be inundated with offers both online and in real life..... I know I'm quite fab, but I also know that I'm not what a lot of men around my part of the world want. We're stuck firmly in the 1950s here!

So, thank you for sharing all your experiences with me so far, and I hope to start contributing some of my own Smile.

That was long - sorry!

KinNora · 15/05/2013 20:14

And what, precisely, Durestasiesta, would constitute enough of a 'welcome' for people ? Unless I'm very much mistaken, most people read at speed, try to catch up and make efforts to say 'hello' and answer questions.

Everybody on here makes posts from time to time that are not commented on, that is a fact - please feel free to review the thread for more examples.

Scrazy · 15/05/2013 20:16

I reckon Mercury is getting laid a plenty, she, like others maybe don't feel the need to tell the world how they sucked their boyfriends cock for 2 hours last night and he........ Carn't think why. Is that what we should be saying to spice it up a bit.

Sorry for speaking for you Mercury.

VelvetSpoon · 15/05/2013 20:17

If I'm honest I have noticed a couple of posters who are a little too dogmatic about their opinions, and take the view their way is the right way. Or certainly that's how I find it. BUT that's not exclusive to this thread, I have seen many other threads on MN which attract similar posters, I think it's just the nature of the internet. So long as we can agree to differ, respect others opinions (and the right to express those opinions) and not assert that it's our way or the highway, it should be possible for us all to co-exist on the thread in, well, if not harmony, then...toleration?

Hey I have never been anyone's girl crush before, I am really quite flattered, thank you.

I do think sometimes new posters are a little scared of jumping in. It's hard to address that when we don't know they're lurking, but a change to the title of the next thread might help...

mercury7 · 15/05/2013 20:18

thats OK Scrazy and yes I prefer to keep the details to myself!Blush

KinNora · 15/05/2013 20:19

Mercury I fully endorse your 'unvenomous' nature and am prepared to sign an affidavit to that effect.

Django - hello and welcome ( it'll soon settle down again here, don't be put off )

SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 15/05/2013 20:19

I'm in my 20's not 40's and I just pop in and out of the thread.

I haven't been judged for my super fast first date turn to shagging within hours. Trust me, if people were going to judge they would have judged that as tbh that was super fast. Grin

Just because its a dating thread doesn't mean you cant talk about anything else. What thread always stays on the subject that is in the title anyway? Confused

Yes now and again my posts aren't replied to but so what. There's loads of people posting so people get missed. It happens to us all. If I need urgent answers I will post again. More then often people reply further on.

This is just a thread raid Grin