Dating thread no 53

[Flipper924]

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
3. Trust your gut instinct;
4. If it is not fun, stop

Off we go...

I hate this thing about 'if a man is interested he will let you know' implying that if a woman is interested she has to shut her face and bide her time, waiting to see what the chap wants, because that's the power balance. Just wait and see what the man wants because he is all wise by virtue of possessing a penis. Pfffft.

If you like someone tell them. If they like you, they'll presumably be pleased that you like them. If they don't, they don't. Move on. (I recognise this is a bit of a sea-change for me, I have evolved into a state of wisdom)

hissy you should go, unless your twatdar is spiked.

I tend to agree with a little stranger regarding fwb. I think it's great for a regular-casual, but I also think it's possibly a bit timid (apologies, do not mean to offend anyone that it works for) because by merit it shouldn't be complicated, it itch scratches (which is great & good) and marks time until someone turns up that you might be committed to on a permanent basis.. If that's where you want to be. It's a difficult area, isn't it... Because good friends who enjoy having sex with each other... Well.. That's rare and amazing and if you were romantically inclined, actually quite romantic, but you like your space and don't want to be pedestrian.

I like the term 'lovers', but then I'm a bit old fashioned. It doesn't necessarily imply 'love'. :)

Thanks all for your input and views. I've had a fwb before many years ago and it was great. No issues. This time though I'm thrown by how much I like this guy. We've just had a lengthy heart to heart. I asked him what he wants he said he likes what we have and knows the limits because of the age difference. He asked what I want and I was honest and told him I had developed feelings. He said he did too and said we should just see how it goes which is very sensible. God it annoys me how sensible and balanced he is :) by the way, there's an 18 year age gap! He's 24 and I'm 42.

It's a number, sweetie, it doesn't actually mean anything,

I am a little older than some on this board but I reckon that give a man time to come to you, if he likes you he will, then no need to get all angsty about it. I'm only speaking from a hundred years experience so what would I know

Don't like fwb either. [harumph]

Oops Some of the best relationships I know have your age gap! If you both have feelings, go for it. You can over- think these situations. Also, read DH Lawrence, any book buts especially Women in Love. His love of his life was much older.
Re-texting, I'm with Scrasy on this. It is a bit generational, but a lot of the " don't pursue" type advice isn't about gender politics -giving men power- so much as gender differences. I think you want the guy to give enough of a fuck to actually pursue you, so if your texting him all the time & there isn't much reciprocation, your already in trouble.
But that's just me - I'm a Rules girl, & If they don't think I am wonderful & galloping after me in their ardour, then fuck 'em!

There's nothing wrong in age-gap relationships. For me though, a generational gap is too far, probably because I'm looking for a long tern relationship and most men who are 15 or so years younger than me wouldn't want that. I do have a very attractive 23 year old who has kept in touch with me on and off for a year, but I am well aware he is not looking to settle down so nothing will be happening there. If I only wanted something casual however I'd be there like a shot!

All this sitting back and waiting, letting men pursue you nonsense is bollocks afaic. I am the most independent person I know - the only men who would pursue me are abusers and cheaters. Normal nice men don't. If I'd had followed all the twee bullshit about waiting to be texted, I'd never have got anywhere with C. And a past relationship, which was the best in my life, would never have happened.

I think perhaps if you're a passive person, or trying to attract a bullish, alpha male type, waiting around etc works. It doesn't for me, but I accept we, and the men we are interested in, are all different.

But then to be fair to men, we do get ridiculously mixed messages from some women some of the time.

On Match, there is a woman who has 'favourited' me, winked at me and selected me from her 'daily 6' 8 times now. In order to favourite someone again, you have to go into your favourites, delete them and add them again.

I mailed her a standard opening email, commented on something in her profile, asked her about her, told her a bit about me. No reply. I have the extra bit on my account so she can email me for free. Nothing. Nada.

Why does she keep telling me she likes me, over and over and over again, without bothering to reply to a mail?

I know this isn't strictly related to texting/calling people, but it annoyed me so I thought I'd mention it.

Let's face it...some peeps are just plain nuts..

Bant it's all BS until it happens, I refer to the beginning of the threads. Point 3. Don't give this woman a second thought.

Velvet, I don't reckon it's bollocks to let a man make the moves at first, but everyone to their own. We can agree to disagree. I went out with a man last year and we had a good night, he was someone I knew from years ago. He text me after he got home to say how he loved the night we'd just had etc, asked me the next day for a meal but I was busy so said later in the week, then nothing. My Dsis who has been out of the dating game since she was 18 persuaded me to text him (she knew him and was rooting for us). She said he might not think you really want to see him again. I was reluctant and went by the rule, if he is interested he will be pursuing this date. Anyway I was right, I text, he answered etc and said he would get back to me with a date but didn't. Turns out he might have met someone else, which was fine as I wasn't that attracted to him but wanted to give him a chance, but my theory was right in that case and in lots of others that I can remember. Guess it could just be my personal experiences and it doesn't happen to other people.

It would be interesting to see how things work out with the different type of approaches to 'following the Rules' -

as in, some people on here prefer to let the man do the chasing - not contacting them first but sifting through the dross, then waiting for him to propose a date, waiting for his call/text etc afterwards. Other people are more proactive - hidden profiles and contacting men they like the look of.

Both approaches work for different people in the end. But then - some people are left dangling or dropped after DTD (suffering from vanishers) and other people get frustrated by the lack of oomph from the men they're seeing and end up dropping them.

I wonder if there is a correlation? Women who pursue are more or less likely to suffer from vanishers?

Personally I've found that women who have approached (winked or mailed) me I've generally been less interested in. I'll go on a date with them if we get on okay but there's not much of a spark. It's not because they contacted me, more likely that I would have contacted them first if I'd been really interested - but I live in an area where there aren't that many to choose from.

I've found more of a 'wow' feeling when it's someone I contacted first (being a bloke). But those wows are few and far between.

Bant, shall we take a poll for anyone who is in a relationship asking who did the first message/chatting up, first to arrange a date, first to contact after DTD. Maybe we can take it onto the chat board. I bet if we did there would always be women saying, I text first but the men would have done it anyway .

Mr Ruse is bringing me his earwig collection ...hoping for some off the wall banter tonight. So far he messaged me first and suggested a meet up...but I have been the quicker and keener messager...will keep you posted

Interesting, Bant and something I've been thinking about recently too.

I've tried a couple of times winking or sending a message but this has generally been unsuccessful and I don't usually get a reply so I got a bit discouraged and gave up. My current tactic, which works well, is to visit people's profile that I like the look of and then they will see that I've visited them and contact me if they are interested. Couple this with the ones I get contacting me out of the blue and it keeps me going alright. I never ever ask anyone out on a date ever. And I never text first after a date either.

This sounds very old-fashioned and passive, but after having "the crumbs" with LM I swore that I would not chase after anyone who wasn't very interested in me, and I won't. This doesn't mean that I won't reciprocate, or text first in the day or whatever - I think that you can be communicative and open without chasing so I am trying to walk that line.

Have only DTD twice with OD blokes and haven't had either disappearing on me but that is a very small sample . . .

All I know is that thw only men who pursue me are not worth having. If I tied myself on knots thinking I shouldn't ever send a text, I wouldn't be seeing C and I would be just as unhappy as I was last year when I was going on date after date with men who were pursuing me almost aggressively up to the first date, then disappearing after even when I left the ball entirely in their court.

I ave pursued C much more than most of you would have, I expect. I suspect to some people that would suggest I am desperate, or just not able to 'get' a man by any other means. Which is crap. The simple fact is nice men don't and won't pursue me. If I want a nice man, I have to be prepared to do a lot of the running. That doesn't make me wrong, or the man I am seeing any less interested in me than other peoples men, it is just as it is.

I have never sent an email to a man on a dating site, and I never will.

It's not about waiting around for a text or an email, it's about understanding the way a mans mind works. Men like the chase, subconsciously or consciously that is. Men like women that present a mental challenge.

We are not meant to be waiting around for a text anyway, our lives are meant to be filled with our own hobbies, and social activities that regardless of whether the text arrives or not, it will not be a big deal. That is key. Men will take advantage of women when they can sense they have 100% hold over your feelings. I have learnt this to my detriment.

Therefore, I have no inclination to ever run after a man now. He would need to show me consistently through his actions who he is as a person and then I will make up my mind as to whether I want him in my life.

I am considering not even joining a dating site, being 'chosen' based on a pic is not really how I want to start a new relationship now.

Oooh Rose don't say that. When I first joined this thread I said something about men liking the chase and got castigated for being incredibly misogynistic and sexist. Mostly be people who aren't on the thread anymore, but still..

It's true though. For whatever reason, while I want to meet a woman who is strong and independent, I also want to be the one who asks them out. I want to meet someone who I know is just a bit too good for me, so I'm lucky to have them. Not settle for someone because it's easier that way.

I initiated messaging with both OD men I've had something with. One was my LM, 6 months relatioship said he thought 'wow' when he opened the mail and wouldn't have approach me initially if he'd seen me. The other (a few dates, DTD) got a lot of messages from women but had never initiated for fear of rejection. Dutch messaged me, has more women messaging him. I've had a high vanish rate with men who I've favorited after they favorited me. set up dates and cancelled. All the others I've messaged first have just liked the ego stroke and didn't really have any interest.

Rose, it's good to know your own mind on this one, I reckon.

Bant, it's not misogynistic to think like it either, it's something I've learnt, the hard way, over time and it has taken a long time believe me.

Rose I don't think its as simple as 'men like the chase'! Yes some men do. Some don't. Many fall somewhere between the two. Some of those that do like the chase like it because its a means of controlling women and reeling them in, I know because it happened to me and the result was 8 years of DV and EA. And even after we split up, he tried to get me back, ruined my next relationship and physically attacked a man for speaking to me. And people queued up to tell me how that just proved he loved me and wanted to fight (literally) to get me back .

As for men liking a challenge, I was a huge challenge to him - and he systematically ground away at me to bring me down to his level.

I can't see how taking the initiative as I have and am continuing to do, will put me in a position anywhere near as bad as the above.

It's true...

Men do like strong and independent women, but they don't want to feel like your opponent. Men, like to feel manly around women...not emasculated.

Its a fine balance to achieve, a woman with an amazing career, house etc. will most likely not 'need' a man in the traditional sense. The tradition is for a man to provide, but telling a man that you don't need him is not the same as showing him you don't need him...but still want him around.