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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread no 53

999 replies

Flipper924 · 06/05/2013 21:48

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

  1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  3. Trust your gut instinct;
  4. If it is not fun, stop

Off we go...

OP posts:
Scrazy · 14/05/2013 12:49

Nice, a man should always text first after the event.

We always had lovely holidays, DD is a very well travelled girl, much more than I was at her age. It's so worth it and something they will always remember. A new sofa just doesn't compare. That is if you can afford it, if not then the stress of the debt would overshadow it.

I am a bit of a feminist at heart but I am very happy to accept a few treats, within reason, from a man I've been seeing, especially if he is loaded has more money than me. However, for holidays, I would prefer to pay my own way whoever I go with. I once took a guy I was seeing on holiday, just him, me and DD. It was the first time I went abroad with her and she was little and full of life and I doubt I would have survived that one without his help. However for various reasons it was a freebie for him and oh I don't know it didn't sit well with me. If he made a comment about something that was wrong I started to feel resentful. It felt an little unequal. It was that experience that made me think I wouldn't let anyone pay for me to go away with them. But that's just my thing. I'm sure other people are more gracious than me Grin.

Scrazy · 14/05/2013 13:01

Sorry Snape, I should have said that I think it shows just how much you are thought of that he wants you to go away together. It's been a few years since I've had more that a weekend away as a treat.

My and the guy I mentioned weren't in a LTR so that is probably why I felt a little strange about it, on reflection.

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:03

I am getting really nervous. What do people talk about on dates...how long do they spend at them? Do you go to the pub?

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:09

What if you run out of things to say?

Scrazy · 14/05/2013 13:10

Ike, first date? Usually meet for one non alcoholic drink, if he's nice then 2! Sound really boring doesn't it? I have been known to spend up to 2 1/2 hours on a first date, and providing I'm not driving, down a few glasses of wine, that is if he is really nice.

Talk about anything that crops up but of I get stumped, I usually nose ask about how many blind dates they have been on and how do they find them, then you can admit you are nervous or whatever.

Hope you have a lovely first date.

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:25

Oh cos he's coming by train he might be around for up to 3 hrs in the evening....dunno what to do with him!

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:26

I told him I would be waiting for his train with a placard saying 'marry me'..

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:29

I dunno maybe my head will fall off by tomorrow and I wont have to go through with it....

Bant · 14/05/2013 13:33

Ike, personally I prefer to have one or two drinks, no more. Enough that conversation is a bit more smooth flowing but not enough that the beer goggles kick in or you get bad judgement.

If I have just coffee or soft drink it feels more like a business meeting, more matter of fact.

Also if I think I might really like this person a lot, I'd arrange to start off at a place where they can have non-alcoholic drinks if they want, but if things go well we can move to booze, even possibly a meal if things just go swimmingly well.

As for conversation, steer clear of exes but discuss politics, travel, families (don't talk about each others DC too much).

If you like them, ask questions like what was their favourite holiday as a child, what did they want to do when they grew up. What's the last band they went to see. The answers aren't as important as how they answer it, and questions like that tend to form a bond between people when they reveal personal information.

If you don't like them, don't ask that kind of question, stick to work, complain about/congratulate the government or something equally dull.

Don't let him pick you up from yours, make sure you tell a friend where you're going and feel free to say you're just popping out to let your friend know you're okay (assuming you are). And then give us lot an update :)

Ooh watch out for steps. There is a 'perfect date' story doing the rounds on the web on how to get a woman to sleep with you, or at least get more into you, on a first date. This involves moving from one location to another, ideally where there are some steps where the man can turn around and 'accidentally' be at the same face-height as you, make eye contact and go in for the kiss. Moving from one place to another makes it feel like it's more than one date. Alcohol and the act of 'finding' another place increases the bond and the fancying of each other. It's been shown to work (no matter how cynical it is)

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:50

Oh this one is no player..far too eccentric for that....i'm just wondering what to do with him for what could seem like a long, long time.

Scrazy · 14/05/2013 13:50

Bant, thinking about it, I have only had one first date where we did move about from place to place, but it was a very successful one and lead to a relationship. Not sure if he practiced the steps thing Grin.

Ike, you don't have to spend the whole 3 hours with him if you don't feel like it. Wait and see.

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:52

I'll take him to some trad Brains boozers I think...force feed him SA....

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:53

I know but he is travelling to see me... I ant just say oh 'bye now!' after an hr...

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:54

....and the thought of eating in front of someone on a first date makes me cringe arggghhhhh!!!

ike1 · 14/05/2013 13:56

....I am over thinking this aren't I?

CherryMonster · 14/05/2013 14:00

so what do i wear for a lunchtime coffee date then? have never done this before

OhWesternWind · 14/05/2013 14:08

Ike take him to the pub. Great places for chatting to random strangers even when you're not on a date so it will all feel relaxed and normal. Couple of drinks and the evening will have passed by very pleasantly. It works for me and I am pretty shy generally, but find pub dates to be the easiest.

JulietteMontague · 14/05/2013 14:32

Ike go where you are going to be comfortable. You don't have to spend any more time with him than you want to, it doesn't matter if he's arrived from Shetland. Bant advised me on this in my early thread days and it's right.

You are not soley responsible for keeping the conversation going. You do not have to amuse, chat endlessly about 'interesting' things, the most attractive thing is when they get to talk about themselves. As Bant says, ask the odd open ended question and most of all listen. He will think he is fascinating and therefore so are you to recognise it, and you will learn far more about what he is really like and if he is good enough to be with you.

All will be well, it's only a drink. Have fun.

Cherry similar advice, wear what you feel good in. I do think women pay more importance on the date clothes than men, he will just think you look nice.

JulietteMontague · 14/05/2013 14:33

Ike that sounded a bit 'calm down dear it's only a drink' Blush

CherryMonster · 14/05/2013 14:38

so presumably casual is fine, jeans, dolly daps and a nice top?

Bant · 14/05/2013 14:44

Cherry - that sounds good. I can't remember a single thing any of my first dates have worn on the date itself. I would notice if they were in a ballgown or a gimp-suit or something, but we're not generally that bothered. Dress or jeans and a top.

I don't know what dolly daps are. Sorry.

Bant · 14/05/2013 14:50

Right. I think I have a coffee date with TeeTotal tomorrow night before my regular Expat thing with all the french students. TeeTotal is british and amusing but only one photo which could be a bad one of an attractive woman or a good one of someone less so.

Then next week with a Hungarian. This one really quite good looking, although she keeps telling me (via email) that I'm funny. And she likes funny. Then she tells me I'm funny again. It's odd. She just keeps going on about how funny I am, when I'm not actually being particularly witty. It's... odd.

ike1 · 14/05/2013 15:01

Well at least she hasnt told you she will turn up wearing a homemade wedding dress like I have with Ruse. You are right though Jule cos when I am nervous I tend to talk too much...very important not to be afraid of silence and to listen. He is a Buddhist and into mindfulness...oh god help meeeeee!

ike1 · 14/05/2013 15:02

That first bit was to Bant btw. Thank you so much you guys for taking time to advise at length its a great help

OhWesternWind · 14/05/2013 15:24

The thing is Ike that you've not been pretending to be someone you're not whilst you've been chatting with him. He knows what you look like, and likes it. He knows your sense of humour, and likes that too. It will all go well. Sounds like you have some worries about what he will be like though - do you think he'll be a bit too right-on?