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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread no 53

999 replies

Flipper924 · 06/05/2013 21:48

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

  1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  3. Trust your gut instinct;
  4. If it is not fun, stop

Off we go...

OP posts:
Bant · 13/05/2013 11:14

Juliette - I would phrase it something like 'I know this sounds silly because we don't know each other that well, but I was a little worried about you as I hadn't heard from you in X days'

'Worried' could imply that he was with someone else, or fallen off his boat, or that he was dumping you - and it shows concern for him (which men generally like) without being smothering. And it also says that 'I'm not obsessing over you' because you say it sound silly and you don't owe each other anything.. but it would be nice for him to be more considerate. Without saying that.

JulietteMontague · 13/05/2013 11:23

Bant thanks, that sounds much better than what I would have said. Stops making it a huge deal too, which it is for me but he had no idea. Thank goodness for this thread to let it out.

That guy does sound like a dick. I bet he is seriously crap in bed too, full of 'moves' and if the Laydee doesn't scream she is frigid. He is praying on men's insecurities too, horrible. I do hope you pull in front of him several times over. I now have a fantasy that we all go to Hungaria, torture this guy and turn him down one by one Grin

mercury7 · 13/05/2013 11:46

Bant you're description of the chat up coach reminds me very strongly of a tv programme, I think it was a channel 4 documentary?

the formula may 'work' and I totally understand how difficult it must be for men to approach women but it I'd prefer a man who see's women as people and who is able to be spontaneous & authentic.

Juliette, having such an intense & intimate time with someone that you've only known for a short while can (in my experience) be quite confusing, perhaps men are a bit more likely to pull back lest they be drowned in a sea of feminine sensuality?? Confused

In all other area's of life I take a 'no news is good news' approach
but with 'dating' I assume the worst very quickly, catastrophes and fill in the gaps with the worst possible scenario.

It's so very embarrassingBlushBlush

mercury7 · 13/05/2013 11:47

*your
not you're
BlushBlush

JulietteMontague · 13/05/2013 12:08

Mercury confusing is it exactly, and we both agreed to take time to consider what we are getting into as we are both worriers but there's me filling it with doomsday scenarios. I love this perhaps men are a bit more likely to pull back lest they be drowned in a sea of feminine sensuality?? I have no idea but happy to run with that Grin

mercury7 · 13/05/2013 12:24

Juliett, it occurred to me thismorning while I was mulling over my own situationWink
I thought that perhaps it's no surprise that a man would feel a bit alarmed, as if his sense of self, his masculine autonomy (I'm not meaning to be critical of men here) was under threat and he'd want to retreat.

Retreat he should because my 'instinct' is just to drag him under, it's all a bit ulysses and the sirens/orpheus and the nymphs :o

mercury7 · 13/05/2013 12:27

and it ties in well with your nautical theme!
tie him to the mast :o

Snapespeare · 13/05/2013 12:52

OWW that's a shame. think we all wanted indie-bloke to be smashing. I feel let down a bit by him and it's not me that was dating him. I would normally say that the slightly-kink-stuff might come with time and he might just be reining it in because he's worried that you'd be disgusted and run-a-mile Hmm but that added to the unattentive stuff and the singing along with music while you're DTD (Justine Beiber? Chas & Dave?) would be somewhat off-putting.

Velvet hope you're feeling better and less concerned with smug-marrieds.

WFF hope your all well and that you're OK too. :)

Was scrabbling nameless last night and sending each other 'swoony' messages - he said he'd never wash again so he could keep the kiss I drew on his arm on saturday morning [vom] I replied that I will still LOVE HIM IF HE IS SMELLY [vom] [vom] [vom] I think I can chalk that up to a slip of the keyboard yes? I clearly meant 'like' Hmm He replied with a bulk-purchase order for nose-plugs Hmm we blunder onwards.

Scrazy · 13/05/2013 13:01

Heads up! Grin. I stumbled on a website last night called loveromancerelationships. It's not like baggage reclaim (calling men assclowns when they don't fall for you etc). I found it really helpful for advice when you are 'seeing' someone and pretty much how I am anyway.

I'm not normally a sucker for this sort of thing but thought I would share. I expect it eventually tries to lead to buy something but the free articles are fairly lengthy.

JulietteMontague · 13/05/2013 13:01

Mercury I do hope your own situation progresses in the way you want it to, it does sound like it. I'm still liking the idea of my ocean (yes I've upped the game) or feminine sensuality. I fully intend to tie him to the mast, I just want him to bring his own rope Wink. This, plus Bant suggestion about not smothering has helped me to step back and let it be.

JulietteMontague · 13/05/2013 13:03

Snape it's a good job it wasn't a cock and balls then.

Scrazy · 13/05/2013 13:03

Sorry no good at linking but anyone who has a look, it would be interesting to see what you think of the advice. I thought it was good.

OhWesternWind · 13/05/2013 13:05

Snape it was the drumming on me that was even worse than the singing ... Kings of Leon btw. And he's told me he's not into lots of stuff so I don't think it's going to happen. No wicked glint in his eye, all too strokey-strokey.

Really worried about sending this text. Can't express how much I hate this stuff.

Hoping to rearrange other engineer date for later this week. Also been asked out to dinner by interesting sounding journalist (but no photo). At least he's not a sodding engineer - not a profession generally known for romance, I suppose.

I think you've gone and told him Snape. Now he's thinking did she mean it? Was it a slip of the tongue? Soooo what's next - advance or retreat?

Someone please stop me from contacting LM who has reappeared on Match and is there grinning at me every time I do a search.

Snapespeare · 13/05/2013 13:06

I might also mention that I had a dream that voldemort DIED last night - and I wasn't overly concerned Blush am not a horrible person, am viewing this as the death card in tarot - a natural end, moving on etc.

mercury7 · 13/05/2013 13:07

thanks Juliette, lately I am self medicating with running, it's very helpful, I'm too blissed out/knackered to care about anything :o

Snapespeare · 13/05/2013 13:11

I like 'lovepanky.com' as a relationships advice site. :)

my tactic is to now do nothing. I'm at his for GoThrones tonight, we shall see. I shall report back. I shall draw a cock and balls on his forehead in sharpie if I don't get an undying declaration of something

NO LM!!! NO NO NO NO!!!

NO

JulietteMontague · 13/05/2013 13:14

OWW Drumming. Drumming. Drumming. Kings of Leon, singing. Does that help? Grin

JulietteMontague · 13/05/2013 13:15

and of course NO LM. You miss what he could have been, not what he was.

Snapespeare · 13/05/2013 13:36

marvellous. just bumped into voldemort coming out of the tube station. speak of the devil, he shall appear. he got fat. felt a bit vomitty. it passed pretty damn quick. may have sneered a lot bit.

ike1 · 13/05/2013 13:44

I asked Mr Ruse last night (was pissed, mind) if he loved me....snort! I obviously find myself endlessly amusing when under the influence!! We are supposedly meeting now 'come hell or high water'...his words...he may well live to regret them...

ike1 · 13/05/2013 13:45

Oh ...that was BEFORE I asked him if he loved me.....

Scrazy · 13/05/2013 14:09

Snape, did you speak to him or was it a passing glance. I will check our your website, later.

VelvetSpoon · 13/05/2013 14:14

Western, no don't contact LM. Remember how he always put himself first, and didn't make time for you. You are better off without him. As for indoe, don't feel bad. Its not your fault he's not right for you and better to decide that now than in 6 months time.

Snape, did you speak to voldie, or just cast a look of disdain in his direction? I probably would have done the latter.

I am trying not to think about friday. Its just a day and not important. The only thing I really want I am highly unlikely to get, so it doesn't matter. None of my friends are interested in celebrating with me, so I may just pretend its not happening, as everyone else seems to be.

Snapespeare · 13/05/2013 14:24

it was a choked-back laugh followed by a sneer in passing. i strolled on. i did not look back.

OhWesternWind · 13/05/2013 15:25

If I write something like this:

I've really enjoyed spending time with you over the past couple of weeks. Sadly I don't think we've clicked properly on a romantic level so it's best to call it a day. Wishing you all the best OWW

would it be okay?