Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

lemondrizzled that bingo card made me feel relief at his absence

colincterpillar pointed me here

This is my thread

i am joining you ladies here for support as i am still unsure what i am supposed to do. all i know is the things going on are not how they are supposed to be.

colincaterpillar damn fingers

You don't have to do anything just yet, but welcome and handholding while you figure it out. It's not easy or pleasant but you aren't on your own

I like to think we have a bit of humour about it all too which makes it feel less desolate

Who can tell Im feeling brighter right now?

i want to run away but this is my life. when he is nice (like he has been all weekend) its is lovely. but i discussed something he didn't want to talk about today and i challenged him on his response so its been down hill all day

My DP is dealing with the fallout of a emotionally abusive relationship. believing that it was somehow their fault, or being so angry at their ex that they punch the wall and then collapse crying.

DP has counselling and has started anti-depressants. The above problems have only just really stated, as until now DP wasn't dealing with what happened, just putting up a mental block. DP says they can only deal with it now because they feel supported by me.

But since the block came down, they are just overwhelmed by it all, spent most of today crying in bed. I am trying to be as supportive as I can but am terrified of accidently making it worse.

I could really use some advice, on how to help, from little things to big strategies. I feel out of my depth, and am terrified of letting her down.

atarpo i think the advice one of the dv counsellors gave re the Ohio girls applies. don't rush getting over it. it all has to come out. it is a horrible unpleasant experience but as the book says, you cannot go under it you cannot go round it so you will have to go through it.

what you can do is be lovely, be patient respect her boundaries and most of all model for her what a normal r/s is like.

tweedlezee this is why we all refer to ours as FW - fuck wits - because they literally fuck with your head, being nasty and nice. The highs are high, the lows low. They have to - its part of the game and also few people would stay if it was shite 100% of the time. We all empathise with this being your life and it's not easy to live with or decide to change. You might not make any changes, it's your choice, or it might take you a long time to get there. In a healthy relationship, you charter life together and make solutions together.

atarpo I would just be wanting kindness, easy going and listen. I also find I want reassurance about my qualities and the big thing for me, is peace. I can't deal with shouting at the moment. Even if some one stubs their toe and swears, it makes me anxious. The hangover is difficult.

and welcome atarpo and tweedlle.

mrsm you ok?

In a healthy relationship, you charter life together and make solutions together. he wont plan holidays, he wont give me regular money, when i wanted a birthday present he told me i was self involved, he wont organise a date for us...........the list goes on. it's sick really. i know i need to go. i am still young and have so much love around me. its the kids that make it hard yet i dont want them to think this is how love should be, because it is not

atarpo I think the fact that you care enough to come on MN and ask speaks volumes. another thing you could do that my abusive ex would never have done is actually ask her what you can do to help. be there when she wants to talk ask her if she wants a hug or not.

also read some of the links above so you get some background.

hope this helps.

Colin - here's my theory re your FW.

1. You don't have kids or a house or anything else to tie you to him - those of use that do find that the FW tries to control the kids as well, or control them through the kids. But you don't have anything else that he could use to to indirectly control you.
2. As I said before, you were becoming too much hard work to get out of you what he wanted. So he's simply dropped you and moved on to someone who will give him these things. I think it's as simple as that. In a horrible way, it shows that you really never meant anything at all to him, other than as a cash cow. That's harsh, but probably true. I'm sorry.

I think your friend could be right - if things don't go well with his NW, he may well be back. But only to see if he can get any more easy money out of you, not because he loves you. It's not about his need to control, as much as his need to get what he wants all the time. He uses abuse and control to do that. He only needs to control the person who's giving him what he needs.

But glad to see you are a bit brighter as well!

How you doin'?

Oh, I'm such a let down. I'm back at home and H is being really lovely. Like he used to be. It's our wedding anniversary next week and he's planning things and to be honest, it's really nice [sigh]

The saddest thing is one of my staff came in to see me in tears today saying her and her H might split and she said lots of things that reminded me of me and I gave her some great advice (thanks ladies!!) and then walked away shaking my head at my stupid self.

If I had just gone and GONE last week then it would have like tearing a big wax strip off, pain pain pain and gone. Now it feels like I'm plucking every hair out individually. FFS.

I just feel like it wasn't the right time for me and if I bide my time then the right time will come...

I've been a bit to come on here and admit my failure to see this through...

Dur of course. You're spot on there.

Yes much brighter. I need to hold onto this so when I'm feeling low I can grab it again.

No shame MrsM, we know the drill. See how you go. Lurk, post. This thread will fortunately/unfortunately regenerate

It's not a failure, it's your personal way. You're not answerable to us!

mrsM don't be! it often takes a few truest to decide whether out is easier than in. and when you did leave it was not ideal for you having so little stuff with you. better to leave at a time when you can Marshall your resources. then whip off that wax strip.

but we are here for you. always. in or out.

tries to control the kids as well, or control them through the kids. this! to the point where i am being told that by making decisions or trying to make decisions i am trying to control my own son. i am just being a parent. i would like to co-parent

tweedle - I just read your thread . Have you spoken to WA yet? They were absolutely fab when I emailed them, they'll take things at whatever pace you need them to.

AtArPo - that sounds hard for both of you. It's always difficult to know how to support someone you love when they are going through something awful. Like mink says, just loving them and being there for them is sometimes enough. And speaking to a counsellor might help too.

ponygirlcurtis yes i have. they have responded well. i feel strong enough to make the next move. Thank fully he is not agressive and i am a very strong person who cannot be broken down. i feel so much better knowing it is not me. i am laying plans to leave with my job interview and i am looking at properties. i am not telling him anything. i love him so much which is the hardest part but i cannot be made to feel the way he makes me feel. i feel so sad for him that he cannot feel good for others. he will not be sad when i go, he will be sad about the kids and he will fight for them and tell everyone i am mad. but i know i am not. for a while i thoguht i was and i even went onto anti-depressants. when i realised he let me get that far without supporting me and the whole time telling me that i was being silly. i realise now those are his issues, not mine. i will need to work on my ability to attract abusive partners, he is not the first.

mrsm you do what you can, what seems best at the time, till you know you can do no more. There is nothing wrong with that. The important thing to keep in mind is you and what you want. The times I tried to end it before were spontaneous, the last time I knew I was going to. I didn't know when or how and in the end, I just snapped. But if you go when you are not sure or ready, you will wonder what if.

colin, I think control works in different ways. If you think of a narc person, who needs to feed off you to boost themself, if it becomes too difficult and they can get their ego boost somewhere else they will. Occasionally they might drop back to check you are still someone they could feed off, but that is all they want, just to check you are still there, waiting. You break the control by not being there.
Whereas controlling bullies work by, well, bullying you.
The ex I mentioned before fits the first category, FW fits the second. I did not have to fight to get rid of ex, but he was very hard to get out of my head.

I have been depressed for most of my relationship so thought I'd share this:

?Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.? ~ William Gibson

tweedle welcome from me too. I feel the sadness for my H too. I am also planning my escape behind his back and have fixed up lots of things, consulted a solicitor etc whilst pretending life is normal. I feel extraodinary guilty for this. And I feel so so sad that he has had this chance of a happy family life and has blown it. I worry that he will end up a sad and lonely old man. I am struggling with these thoughts given the way he has treated me and he is (I'm 99% sure) in the middle of an affair too. My current thinking is that I am a genuine person who cares about someone else and that is why I feel so sad for him. That and I am so used to putting myself last that I've not yet managed to think about my feelings too.

atarpo I can't imagine moving on to a new DP but I think my biggest fear would be the relationship moving too fast, feeling steam rollered, I would be really stressed about any conflict. I would want a partner to love me just for being me, warts and all, and not wanting me to change or be someone else. Maybe being open and asking how you can help will be the best. I suspect you can't actually do anything, but being there, being supportive and listening is worth millions.

MrsM you are not a let down to anyone. Keep posting and keep reading. The point of this thread is that we support each other, not make each other feel guilty. You sound like you need to jump rather than be pushed so to speak. By that I mean you need to be a bit more in control, perhaps have somewhere to live lined up, to feel more prepared. But keep reading and planning and you'll get there. FWIW about 12months ago I thought I was ready to go. I posted on here (different name) that I was and then I lost my nerve. And I was too embarrassed to come back on here and admit it. So I didn't. And the lack of support meant that I have wasted nearly 12 months as I only really got back onto here 4 months ago.

colin you sound loads brighter :) I'm sure things are still tough and some days harder than others but you really sound like you're getting there.

tweedle others wiser than me have given lots of advice, so just here to handhold.

Lots since I last posted, so just going to wish everyone strength. Really pleased to hear positive thoughts from tis. Wishing you all better things.

And I feel so so sad that he has had this chance of a happy family life and has blown it. I worry that he will end up a sad and lonely old man THIS!!! This will happen to him. I am probably one of the only people in his life he has really let in and he treats me like this. Sad for him! For a while i put myself last but now? Now myself and the kids are number 1's. I have tried so many times (dates, holidays, time to ourselves etc) and i cannot be the only one who tries AND gets put down for it/receives NO gratitude and then when i have the cheek to expect better form him gets told I am selfish. Pfft! He can keep going on, blind to it all if he wants. and he will and when i leave i will be the mental one. he will tell everyone i am mad, but i will know i am not. yes i will doubt myself, yes it will be so hard with 2 kids being a single parent, yes they will likely blame me for it all (because he seems like a diamond) but I will know. I know ALL of this yet i cant unstick myself because i keep hoping and hoping and hoping it will get better. i guess i just have to keep laying the foundations of independence.