Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

petals welcome but sorry you have to be here . Everything, everything you listed that your fw does is identical to what mine did. And it is classic, bone melting mental abuse. As others have said, watch your back. If you're thinking of planning an escape, maybe be quite compliant in the meantime so his need for control doesn't ramp up as he feels you slipping out of his hands. WA sounds like a priority. Have you considered a shelter while you get him out of your home? It is all very shocking when you first start to put names on things. But after a while it's very comforting in a weird way as you suddenly feel validated, understood etc.

nini I liked your dad's comment!

Thanks mink I was rubbish on the safety advice, am not sleeping well due to the stress of trying to negotiate reasonably with an unreasonable person.
What you can do also is call 101 and log your concerns. I did this, though I found it hard to do. They are kind and reassuring, they ask for details, you do not need a lot, even just saying your husband has a history of violence towards you, you are in contact with WA, you are worried he will be violent again, they will log your address and phone n7mbers, so if you call from either your mobile or landline, they will attend. I was talking about harassment at the house post-split, which is less serious, so I have no doubt they will take your concerns seriously.
Re baiting, I think mink is right there too. I noticed what my FW was doing easier whenhe started doing it to my dd, and I think it was fi who called it bait

Sorry, on phone and screen jumping. It was fi who explained to me what he was doing. It is harder to see it when it is you and also, you think, as an adult, you should somehow know how to deal with it . You can't, because it is intended to disempower and undermine you.

The other thing is, FW here is still trying to do it post-split, and it is astounding really. That is why your gains list is so important. I'm tempted to print it out and stick it up on the wall, only dd might question me and I have tried to shield her from a lot of it. But I, and the other ladies on here, will be here to handhold and support you to the place you want to be ((hugs))

Ach, another apology from me, did not realise there were more posts after minks, as page had not updated, so if my first sentence makes no sense, that is why.

mink watching my back is constantly what I am doing! It is stressful and exhausting and seeing as he wants me "to stress less and calm down" he's not really helping! That was his main priority after HE hit me.

silvery Not just me then. It will also be on my list. Although my list is so long it's going to cost a fortune in legal fees to put them all down!

Sorry on phone so can't see all the replies at the same time!

matchsticks glad life is much more relaxed for you now and I think no ampunt of money is worth your freedom xxx

Fi Am trying. Thanks. I do have moments of clarity and I am thinking of looking into an injunction now as I am feeling terrified of him. Suddenly it's like being with a total stranger. A dark, evil stranger at that.

Breathe yes, I am already finding I'm bending to his will a lot, apologising for everything and trying to keep the peace but I'm scared he's going to start thinking his power (violence) worked and hewill start getting more confident and pushing things further. If I go to a shelter will I be able to get him out of the house? Legal advice I heard is not to leave marital home if you want to keep it? Does that apply in DV situations?

butterfly yes, when he's gone I'm sure I'll cope with the children a lot better. I have no energy with him here. I feel lonely and depressed ALL the time, stressed etc. and he makes it hard by doing as the three year old says all the time so I'm "bad cop" when I say "no". All my energy is used on placating fw and dealing with stroppy child.

I shall also consider 101 as I think I need to feel protected while he is here. I long for the weekends to end!

Hugs back to you butterfly I am so sorry that you (and everyone else here) is going through all this and that it is still going on for you despite him not being there. But yes, we need to hold on tight to who we really are. Reading that my fw is like everyone else's does make me feel finally that I am NOT mad and I'm NOT a miserable person. I'm just miserable with my fw (and who wouldn't be?!)

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit more upbeat today. I'm ready to start planning. I cannot do this for much longer!

Glad you're feeling supported Petals. Re shelter/house / legal side- I was advised that dv situation negates the leaving of marital home but do take a free half hour with a specialist solicitor and check this. But safety is paramount. Good luck and take care of yourself. Xx

Petals I left, but my solicitor told me we could have got an Occupation Order to get him out of the house, had I wanted to get back in. I actually feel better in my own place and will feel better still once I've bought a house as it won't have any memories.

petals good luck. I remember the black pit of horror on reading about sociopaths and npd... It's impossible to imagine such disordered thinking and very scary to think of how close you have been to it. You'll get away and find your way out- stay strong and safe.
When I first met xdp I was teaching the poem Porphyria's Lover and just had a strange, strange feeling as I read the first few lines- the guy is in a sulk waiting for Porphyria to arrive... Later when she turns up he's cold and arsey with her and makes her come to him/ soothe and seduce him. Just those first stanzas sent such a cold chill shooting through me- it had only been about two or three months and I recognised that mindset so completely. In the poem, the narrator kills Porphyria. I vividly remember thinking 'exdp thinks like this man... Exdp is capable of that'.
I laughed at myself for having such crazy thoughts, ignored what my head and gut told me and then a year or do later DID find his hands on my neck during sex... Now, he just did it to scare me/ show me he could... But still! I'd known a year or more before that it was almost inevitable that he'd find ways to control me, and that he'd quite possibly stop at nothing.

Hi,

Don't know if any of you remember me, but I was on this bored several months back. My Gran was dying around the time I stopped posting, and sadly passed away. During that time things came to a head with FW, and I got drawn back into the cycles... He promised me anything and everything, and due to everything going on I just stopped coming here. However things are really bad again, and I just need support I ordered the Lundy book, and found my H within the pages, with mainly the water-torture traits... however even reading the book, and screaming in my head 'omg he does that, omg this is him', I still can't get my heart to believe he is abusive, and I just seem to be stuck in this nightmare, not even able to get my head into leaving mode when he is being ok... Sorry I haven't read through others posts, H is constantly around, checking on me etc, so it's very hard for me to get time to post.

Oh just wanted to add earlier today in an argument FW called me a 'narcissistic bitch'... he's just been through now to say 'can we stop with the hostility'... no sorry or anything, as he never says sorry. So now he's acting like everything is normal and fine... and if I stay annoyed, pissed off or whatever, then it's me being unreasonable according to him..

Oh petals, you are not mad, you sound like you are lovely, just worn down trying to keep it together for dcs in the face of grinding torture, as I think breathe called it.

To be clear, the last few months since I ended it have been awful, but a sliding scale towards less awful, iyswim. When I ended it, I literally could not breathe, the level of anxiety and panic was so high. Talking to anyone about it made me feel like I was going physically out of my head, floating, so I had to stop the conversation. In terms of getting him to accept it was over and he needs to stay out my life, it was like fire-fighting a forest fire, you just got one bit and there was another flaring up. I am no contact now, only through solicitor, through necessity. Even when we have a settlement, I am going to keep contact to an absolute minimum.

The thing which kept me going, aside from my own need to breathe, was the fact that the dynamic of my house, the children's behaviour, just changed in so many positive ways.

yes of course Tiered my sympathies for your loss and struggles through that time

Its no surprise that he drew you back in at a time of vulnerability, when your strength and energies were being used elsewhere.

Please don't apologise, there are lots of reasons we can't always be supportive to others and need the support for ourselves only at times.

Welcome back very! Post whenever it is safe and use this space for your outlet.

Your strength for this is returning now that you are moving gradually on from your recent loss.

Sorry, stupid phone, the reason I say all that, is because it is hard and I still get lots of support posting here, but from the day he left, it has got easier and better even only in baby, baby steps. I am always worried if I post about the post-split stress, because it is worse and he is more tenacious than I ever thought, people still in will be put off leaving. Even in my most stressed, anxious and recently, tearful and exhausted moments, I know I am doing the right thing.

tired, yes. I remember you too. I am sorry for your loss. You need to grieve, and everything takes its time. You will get your energy back. And no, just because he says every thing is fine does not mean it is for you.

Thank you so much Butterfly and Fairy the support from here is such a lifeline, last time, I was so close to leaving, and this thread helped me gain that strength. I hope that I can now slowly start building myself up again. I graduate this summer from university, (going back for my masters in september), and I really don't like the thought of H being there. I also have come to realise that while I don't hate H, I do really dislike him.

He had a day surgery last week, and had to be off of work all week... well I was home to as I'm now revising for exams. H kept rubbing my arm, or my back etc, and it drove me crazy, I really did not like it and it made me realise that while a few years ago I made a constant fuss that H never wanted to show me affection, now I don't want that from him, and it's a relief that he normally doesn't.. apart from sex.

Today has reminded me that H takes now responsibility for anything, and I don't want to be with someone like that. Also earlier after our argument H just lay on the sofa, not engaging at all with our DD. Not that I should be surprised. All parenting if automatically my responsibility...as is housework it would seem...anyway, it made me so angry that he jut doesn't do anything, that there is no shared workload. If I was in a strop I wouldn't disengage from our DD... It feels like he is my boss at work...supervising everything I do, but not pitching in.

takes no responsibility * sorry for the typo!

But the thing is tired, that is not really affection, is it? That is, I am here and I am going to keep pestering you for attention, regardless of what else you need to do. Affection would be bringing you a cup of tea, letting you study in peace whilst he got on with something else he could manage, surgery permitting, so you did not have to worry and could get on with studying, and then offer you an (undemanding) hug if you were taking a break and looked like you needed one.

Yes, and pigs will fly, that never happened here either.

butterfly better to have it inside or outside the house?

It would be great if they went up in a puff of smoke the moment they left/we left wouln't it? sadly not in their nature to disappear off anywhere, but to continue to goad, bait, gaslight and all the rest, and the loss of control for them over us means upping the stakes, but on the outside we can get stronger, we have no means to block them from us when they are in ourhomes and beds, but once outside, there are more way to do this. Once out we stand better chance at building our blocking strengths even when with them. There must be women out there that can completely carry on with their own lives, indistracted and unaffected by their abuses, but then maybe not, as this behaviours provokes even more aggression from them.

I never wished him back in my home, or bed (eeuuuwww). Never have to feel his erection pushed against me after he'd reduced me to a blubbering wreck again. Recently a MH specialist told me this was psychopathic behaviour....

no... no... no... definitely much better outside the house than in, no matter how hard it is on the outside. The only complete freedom is when they are outside our heads too.

I would give up life itself to go back to that.

I agee fi, I meant the post-split stress was worse than I ever thought, not that it was worse than being in the marriage. I read it back now and I am not sure if that was clear. You do have more ways to block them and more people to help you, and in some ways, the goading and baiting becomes apparent to others, not only yourself, in others, you can see that the charming exterior works. It feels like there is still stuff clicking into place, where I think, why did I not realise. It is actually quite scary, the level of control.

Hi all, just checking in and catching up. Welcome to newbies and returners.

Well I'm still managing with the non contact, struggling a bit with it being over still, but feeling a bit stronger. My reading about NPD and all that sort of thing is helping. It's making me realise how insidious he's been, especially with inviting me over just to ignore me and that kind of thing.

Life has thrown me a bit of a curve ball and given me something else to think about too, I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but least it's different and a distraction. Met up with a friend and things progressed and well, let's say I'll be posting on the Turning Tavern thread. Eeep. It's always been lurking in the back of my mind but never acted on. So there's something else to think about.

Just a flying visit to say that I'm going to try and catch up with everyone later today, but in the meantime and sending out hugs, good vibes and crates of from the Vixens to all in need. Stay strong, lovelies, and stay safe. xx