Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

pony I tried to record it but I was shaking so much I couldn't. She was amazing. She has a fantastic voice (and that's not just me being a biased mum - she won a talent competition at school when she was in y7 against the whole school, singing Taylor Swift's Love Story) and to hear a song which means so much to me being sung by my baby was quite something, I can tell you! I am always an unashamed proud mother on such occasions - whenever any of my dcs are doing something amazing - but last night it was more than that.

breathe didn't you know that if you are here then you is cool? End of argument. There have to be some perks to being here!

Right then - off to do Very Important Things. Like cleaning the loos

Wow Leclerc, that's quite some moment, not surprised you were a bit shaky. Maybe someone else recorded it? But if not, what a memory to have.

Wow, Leclerc, that sounds so special. I would've been a wreck in that position, I think - just hearing any children singing is enough to make me blub!

I'm ok, thanks, Breathe, despite being up too late last night on here and writing to my dps to warn them that the end is nigh (again!). My lovely dcs let me sleep in a lot bit this morning and I'm now enjoying one of my dc-less days (dd3 in nursery) and sorting out the house even more. I have so much more energy now that I have a future to look forward to out of his shadow! Dd1, dd2 and I have transformed their rooms this week (rather chaotic and uninviting before, thanks to not enough storage space and neglect on part of their parents ) which we are all rather excited about.

V proud of little leclerc what a star.
Still bemused by the Lundy order....

Still in the grip of withdrawal, re-reading minks post and my shit list, telling myself one day I will know real love and my fantasy of FW will pale in significance. Day 2 of NC anyway. I should have been at Day 15.

Charlotte, the fact that you suddenly have more energy and drive now that you've made your decision is telling in itself. Am excited on your behalf.

Keep going Colin - yes, it's maybe strictly Day 2 of NC, but it's a lot longer than that since you've seen him, focus on that number - look for the positives, not the negatives. And treat yourself to something today, you deserve it.

Nah, Colin. You are at day 15, just with a minor blip. Think of it in dieting terms. You can (I know cos I've just done this!) stick with a diet for that long and then have a day where you just can't help but eat. Does it then cancel out all the other days? Do you then think 'oh what the heck?' and order twelve takeaways just for you? Nope. It's just a little blip. Climb right back in that saddle and carry on. Weakness is not the end of the world. It's weakness - no more no less - and you have a lot of history to go against to carry on with NC.

Don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. You'll get there.

Charlotte that's what I'm doing currently - trying to go against the general neglect, chaos and lack of storage which has been the story of our lives for years. I feel another trip to Ikea coming on - I've been saving hard to get a couple of new bits for my sanctuary

Yeah - what pony said, less words!

Toilets done, tea drunk, off to do more sorting now

Haha, Leclerc, makes a blinking change for me to be the one using less words!!! My posts are always sooooo looooooong!

Ooh, love the idea of an IKEA trip having saved up for it in advance. FW lets me do the saving while he does the spending. Teamwork, see?

Lack of storage as a FW issue... interesting, I cottoned onto that recently. Ugly or mismatching furniture is all in the dc's bedrooms. DD1 has (from last summer until yesterday) had her clothes piled up on a shelving unit gathering dust because it's the best thing we had. Meanwhile, a new chest of drawers for our room, two wardrobes the year before, a new kitchen and utility room - and a few international holidays.

And the dcs don't realise how he neglects them (emotionally far more than practically) because to them that's just what daddies are like. It sucks!

Like the diet analogy. I really want a cry today, but I think my ADs mean that won't happen. It's quite frustrating.

Charlotte I always used to say my FW was feral, just couldn't look after anyone or anything. Even doing a weekly shop was beyond him and his family were like this when he was a kid. It's so weird.

It has always been a lone struggle against chaos here - FW and the housework being one of the central planks of his abuse. And tbh now he's gone, it still is, though at least there is only me making the mess :) Sometimes I used to wonder what we would do once we were up to date with everything (oh yeah!) like that was ever going to happen. The constant knowledge of a messy house, combined with the constant knowledge that I alone was bothered or would tackle it, kept me in a constant state of low level depression.

Now I just accept that the mess ebbs and flows like the tide.

Colin I know that feeling of wanting to cry and not being able to. Sad (or v happy) film or book help?

Colin if you really feel you would benefit from a good cry, maybe watch a weepy film. Sometimes I have watched something emotional (One Born Every Minute does it every time, and, strangely, You've Been Framed...) and I end up howling - not because of the programme, but because I'm releasing a lot of pent-up crying.

but why Tis, is it almost always that the tide is coming in or high tide in my house

See, there's a funny dynamic going on with mess here. I am a messy person. I try not to be but it is an ongoing battle. FW claimed to be a very tidy person, yet when I tidied, there was just as much of his stuff. I used to point this out but was slapped down every time - it was irrelevant, it was his house so he could do what he liked etc.

I also never really bothered. If you tidy and then someone comes along and strips off their dirty socks, expecting you to pick them up, and dumps them and their pants in the middle of the lounge floor it doesn't fill you iwht enthusiasm. He would never ever take dishes downstairs either (upstairs lounge) but would hurl abuse at me or the kids if we didn't. He would leave used tissues all down his side of the bed (boak) and would never use the loo brush.

Yet I was the one with the problem?

And when I said that I needed help, he would either refuse or go into OCD cleaning mode to shame me. When I said I would like to buy some storage he would slap me down, have a rant and then make me order a takeaway for tea (he would never stoop to order it himself). A couple of takeaways buys a storage unit from Ikea but he could never or would never see that.

When dc3 was born he impressed my mum by organising for a cleaner to come and told mum it was for 6m. She came once before he said he wasn't paying for it anymore Of course, being the one who covered up for him, I never said anything to mum.

As you can see, I'm not doing so well on being circumspect on here However, I will restrict myself to talking about historical stuff. It's too cathartic not to!

So the upshot is that I'm trying to get organised. It's so much easier when you have a non-critical audience. FW would always draw my attention to the next thing rather than tell me that I'd done something well.

Everything on your last two posts is horribly familiar Leclerc

Am laughing with delight at your rant Leclerc - go go!

Ah yes familiar here too re: tidiness

Very familiar here, too, Leclerc. The only room in the house that FW cleans and arranges beautifully is the guest room. And of course it gets dropped into conversation when he shows guests to their room. None of them would guess that it's the only bed he ever makes, although I think most of them suspect that the time he's spent making it beautiful has meant less time with his family...

Argh yes to takeaways as well. Even if I wasn't there. He'd phone whining about being starving, if I pointed out there was stuff in the freezer, he'd say 'I'm not eating that shit'. He didn't understand it added up and was expensive. I wish he still lived at his old house cos I'd have some food delivered unbeknown.

He didn't care that it added up and was expensive, Colin.

Damn I'm meant to be working but have been sucked in by the non-cleaning, lack of storage buying stories. yy to all of those. I didn't even realise they were standard procedure for FWs - duh!

Even if I run round tidying like mad before I go to bed when I get up there will be empty cups, cereal bowls, even banana skins left lying in random places. Then maybe once every 3 months nsdh will wash the dishes and I'm supposed to be incredibly grateful.

I ended up using my savings to buy chest of drawers, toy boxes and new bed for ds whilst nsdh buys a constant supply of toys for him which have nowhere to go! Then nsdh blames me for being untidy

Oops, also, thanks all who pointed out that golden carriages, flowers and chocolates are not good signs I did realise that after I'd typed my post but decided to leave it in since it shows how wonky my FW-sensor is! I'm still a sucker for an OTT romantic gesture even though it's a signpost to FW-central.

Well yes that's true charlotte

Just had a flashback of him applying one of those eye roller things (always on his person) Or putting ice or cold glasses to his eyes. Stupid twat.

That's the way colin

I seem to have started something with the cleaning and tidying rant! isn't it funny how similar they all are, in all sorts of ways

Re the takeaways pony I'll quote directly from fw: 'why have a dog and bark yourself?' Oh yes, very droll.

I only twigged a few weeks ago that in the last few years I had taken to calling him 'your lordship'