Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

bounty, I agree with Charlotte, use the hissouse as your sanctuary and get used to the space. Also, I have to say I framed it initially as this is not working for me, I need space, rather than this is it forever. It was his behaviour post-split and my own feelings of clarity in his absence that made it more permanent, plus the noticeable effect on dc behaviour in the house after he had gone. It was the most anxiety inducing thing I have ever done, I would hyperventilate and my brain would slip into another reality if I had to talk about it, but also in the end, the most necessary.

fi that sounds really tough, I am so sorry for you and dd, wishing you strength. To tis as well

colin, look at it as an investment of your time to prevent you wasting years in the future. Knowledge is power.

So, I just wanted to capture something which happened today, out of the blue. I was walking to a work meeting and I took a short cut through the garden where the meeting was. It was a gorgeous little path through blossoming trees, the rain was still on the leaves but it was sunny and it was just one moment where I thought, I love my life. And I realised that I didn't have the feeling any more of being in the wrong life, of having made a mistake, of being trapped. It was completely bizarre and unexpected.

I do not know what will happen, how things will be sorted, but it feels like I am back on the right path now. I am so hesitant to say that in case a storm rages upon me, but I want to have that feeling written down, to hold on to it, to get through whatever is coming.

Re SS: they will give you good advice..and legal BUT they are shit scared of being called upon in court because that is CAFCASS role and 9 times out of 10 will pull back from supporting you once they get back to the office and see their manager.

Don't necessarily disregard the advice, but don't rely on them to back you up or you will feel really let down.

I also think that they have NO idea of how hard it is to maintain good boundaries with the FWs when you have lived in their shadow for so long....bring in WA at this point or some of the parenting forums who will give you validation and a great place to vent eg here familylives.org.uk/ they do live chat and telephone advice.

butterfly what a beautiful moment to have had. Hope it's captured in a snapshot in your head, to keep you strong in difficult times (of which there are many where FWs are concerned). You can read it back and remind yourself. Are there any pictures online of the garden you went through, that you could keep on your desktop or something like that?

Thanks charlotte and butterfly - I'll start witha little sanctuary. Try and get it looking homely. And then I reckon knowing that it is there will be enough to go. I already have some lovely pictures that I had from my grandparents house after they died that FW would never let me put up in 'our' house.

I think it will be much smaller than where I am at the moment. Just a 2 up 2 down. But DD won't care (aged 2). And we spend a lot of the time out and about (or at work/nursery). And small can mean cosy and homely too. I'm possibly trying to play it down in my mind rather than risk being disappointed when i actually see it tomorrow.

My very own copy of Lundy is on the way to me too. I've had the amazon email :)

butterfly that little garden sounds lovely. These little moments remind us that life can be good. We're sadly just in the wrong place at the moment. What a great statement to be able to say 'I love my life' ! No-one knows what storms are coming but I'm sure whatever happens you have weathered bad storms before and will survive many more to come - and still emerge being able to love life.

colin I agree that your reading is not FW controlling you - after all he would not want you to be enlightening yourself to his behaviour. As butterfly says it really is an investment to let yourself let go and move towards the dream of a lovely DP and children etc etc

I love my life :) am v lucky to be able to say that that was true many little times over the years, I had various 'magic places' where I could be ME, the lovely landscape of Co Durham with all its memories, and good friends who I saw without FW. It makes all the difference to be able to come and go as you please - but also perhaps it kept me hopeful and with FW for far too long.

Now the little times are all joined up :)

Evening all! I absolutely second everything that fool says re SS. Rely on their word for nothing as they will not back you at all and if you stake everything on it you will be left looking like the idiot

Trying times here, but I hope that everyone is as well as can be expected? My sanctuary is coming along nicely. I think that by the end of next week I might be able to have a 'viewing'.

In other news, FW has a copy of St Lundy

Prepare for specialist FW Bingo - accusations taken from the words of the blessed saint...

Can't wait to hear how your FW will completely twist St Lundy into his own tool, Leclerc, surely that's his intention (cos it sure aint to learn how to not be a FW). [anger]

Is nothing of yours blinking well sacred?

Silvery that is something which is missing here - an emoticon for white wine

The same thought about bingo had occurred to me. I am waiting with my dabber ready...

X-post pony! it seems not, my lovely, it seems not.

However, I had the pleasure of attending eldest's drama assessment tonight where she sang 'my' song. She told me she sang it for me. I nearly burst with pride. I shed more than a couple of tears I can tell you! In case you've forgotten, it's

Oh good grief (I removed the blasphemy there), tis I think you need to find Lundy Bancroft's publisher and write to him c/o there asking what on earth you do in such a scenario. Just do NOT engage. He can recite Lundy to himself, or even better give him TOD back and they can talk to each other, he will try to provoke you, ignore, ignore, ignore. It comes back to the point that they will never, ever understand. Minimise, as much as possible his opportunities to hurt you. Tell him if he wishes to discuss anything in Lundy, he should go to Respect and leave you alone. Do not get drawn in. You think you can have a rational conversation and then boompf, they've fuckwitted you.

Re the garden, it was unexpected as I decided to take a wee short cut. I will go back tomorrow with my camera what a lovely idea.

Conversation? I don't do conversation, darling. I only do emails. As infrequently and as brief as possible

Although writing to Mr B sounds good! I might do it anyway. I had a lovely email chat with Pat Craven last year. I might start collecting abuse specialists

Yes a white wine would be good but a G&T would be even better.

Sorry I'm not posting very much at the minute. I'm working late, and the counselling is feeling a bit like wading through treacle.

I guess one of the differences from couple's counselling is that without nsdh to turn it into an hour of cataloguing my faults, I'm using the time to explore my brokenness (not even sure if that's a word. pretty sure that if it is it isn't spelt like that but too tired to change it!). Meh! I know it's necessary to try to get 'fixed' and hence not make the same mistakes again but it's making me sad. I wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it was chasing me across the moors in a golden carriage filled with chocolate and flowers. Oh well, hopefully it will all look better after a decent sleep.

Oh good, I was worried for a minute there. I was going to say go NC, apart from practical stuff re the kids, but you are most of the way there. This is my approach, the problem will be if he starts being Mr False It is going to be my approach too.

winnie, one of my realisations of the past months is that I wouldn't know a healthy relationship either, mainly as I have no model for one.

Good grief again, not sure what happened to my message tis, it made no sense. Trying again:

Oh good, I was worried for a minute there. I was going to say go NC, apart from practical stuff re the kids, but you are most of the way there. This is my approach, the problem will be if he starts being Mr False Nice and I get sucked back into thinking he can be normal.

Hint: if it's chasing you across the moors in a golden carriage filled with chocolate and flowers, turn your FW radar to max.

Not that mine was ever like that, but AIUI they can be...

That must have been absolutely spine-tingling, Leclerc, to watch and hear DD1 singing that song. Bet it was gorgeous. Did you record it?

tether counselling is hard going, it is. Even after nearly a year of it, I may know more about why I'm in the situation I'm in, and what led me there, but as to how to prevent it happening again? No idea. (But I'd second the 'avoiding golden carriages' idea...)
Make sure you are looking after yourself too, sounds like you are busy flat out and you need to build in some time for yourself. (Says the woman who wouldn't know what to do with time to herself, even if she had it.)

Anyway, on that note, I'm going to say adieu. Night, all.

butterfly that would be perfect for the garden to step off the street into if you cn hold it in your mind aaaahhh i feel a wonderful world moment coming on.

Thank you, charlotte. How're you? xx

No breathe you are deffo cool

Thank you silver so are you