Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I'm sure I posted probably something elegant, wise and witty but it doesn't seem to be showing up. Hope I haven't randomly posted it somewhere else! I'll see if I can remember what I wrote. Bear with me.

Ok, here's what I think I said.

butterfly - stick to facts in your solicitor letter. He is trying to distract you and draw you in to discussion about whose fault, etc, hoping you'll get wound up and will not be able to deal with him properly/make mistakes. Ignore. Facts: you have split up. You need to sort out specific stuff. Cool, calm facts.

Yummy - I read your thread, I am sorry he is still there. See a solicitor as soon as you can and find out what your options are.

mink I am not surprised you are still mad. I think that all of the items on your list are, unfortunately, true.

charlotte yes unfortunately have posted on and off before. as you all know they work there way up slowly to the extreme levels of fw ness. and the shit is about to hit the fan as he has an idea that the worm has turned and i am fighting back and he doesnt like it. u can almost see the little wheels turning as to how he is going to 'get' me next.

its very hard to stay strong and think clearly on a day to day basis. any tips for dealing with the day to day crap while you are planning to get out?

love to everyone and strength

Hi all. Was going to post last night but as my laptop has died and FW was hogging the computer, by the time he came to bed I was tired.

Welcome to yummy. I am still very much in with my FW and dealing with the day to day crap is really tough. To a certain extent I try and detach from it all, but that doesnt always work. I find venting on here helps! .

Mink, I'm so sorry to hear what a FW he was to your babies, how upsetting for them, and you! Why do these FWs do this kind of thing, it only hurts their own relationship with the children. Situations like that are what I dread most when I leave my FW, because you can't control it.

I myself had a shitty shitty weekend. All started at 5am saturday morning when the cat disturbed him and he pushed her off the bed. Poor DCat . This was the exact build-up that happened last year - resulting in him hitting me. I told him off and he yelled at me. The day went downhill from there.

We went out for the day with my sister (who he hates so felt no need to behave) and he drove like a maniac, yelling at other drivers for no reason, then yelled at me as he wasn't listening to my directions and took a wrong turn. We went to a pub and he walked out as I hadn't asked the staff if it was child friendly (it very clearly was), then walked out again as in his absence I'd bought drinks (but not for him) and he wouldn't ask me politely for cash. He sat in the car until we came out, which was about an hour later. Sounds ridiculous, and it was.

Saturday night I went out for the first time in over a year with some friends, and stupidly had too much to drink which meant I staggered home at 3am. I had a hangover so got the silent treatment all day, and he started doing the 'subtle' horrible things, like unplugging my charging phone, treading on my stuff, all the little things he does when he's annoyed with me that makes it hard to call him up on it. I spent most of the day curled up with DD watching telly, which she was happy with, so he went into 'busy mode', spent an hour hoovering his car () and doing lots of noisy stuff round the house. Then he made a massive sunday lunch, knowing full well that I was in no state to eat it. Punishment all day long, and I know why - he wants an apology. What for I'm not sure. I don't really need to say that I never behave like that when he's been hungover and whinging about it all day when he goes out, which is much more frequent than mine. He was still off with me this morning.

As Taylor Swift would say 'This is exhausting'.

My writing is terrible, he didn't hit me on saturday btw.

It's so exhausting that I have days when I think about suicide just to get away from him, those are bad days. Then there are days when I think about killing both myself and DD, those are really bad days. Then I have days when I think about killing him.... It hurts because I can't protect DD from it all, and that's my job as her mother, to protect her.

nini sounds like a shit day. what an enormous toddler.
if you need help digging up your patio I am there with a spade

seriously though if you do ever feel that bad, just pack dd up and go. anywhere. one day at a time. you will get through.

how are the plans to get out coming along?

it is exhausting. after the fwittery of Sunday I was not much use to the kids at all. we all got into bed and had a nice story but then I just ran out of energy. was like flat batteries all day and the kids kept telling me I was being lazy because I just could not shift myself. angry tired. they were actually doing a better job of dealing with it without me there so I stayed out of their way for a bit and let them build things. and tried to resist trying to make them better with cake.

Oh nini sweetheart We've all been caught in that trap where you can't conceive of there being any other way out than for one of you to die. It's just a trap though. There will be a way out, there will. Your time will come lovely.

Good mood just evaporated here too.

You ok Tis?

Mink Funny you should mention the patio - I'm trying to get someone in to lay a new one for me! Everyone I know did it themselves but in the absence of willing helpers, and FW still refusing to do any DIY whatsoever, I'm really struggling with it. Operation 'Get house done, sell house, get OUT' is not going well.

I would love to just walk out, but I won't go without DCat, and even most rental properties in this house don't take pets .

FWs are such emotional vampires. At least the kids were doing ok - such touch little cookies . It's so hard not to give cake - works in so many situations!

Not really but I will be.

Big hugs Tis, and lots of and . Talk when you feel able.

(((tis)))
you to (((nini)))

nini if you have to go. move into a rental property. take the cat anyway and worry about it later. what are they going to do if you move in a cat? how are they even going to know? and you can do it as a stop gap until you find a rental place that does allow cats.

IME they often say no pets but if you ask them very very nicely (especially if you explain your situation) and you tell them how lovely/well behaved and prone to housework/dusting/mice killing you cat is ():-) and promise to make good any damage they are sometimes ok.

it can be an issue though if dcat is a furniture destroyer!

we move into a rental flat with a cat and a dog. the landlady who had loads of cats liked our dog so much and was so surprised that it got on with the cat that she ended up with 3 dogs of her own (one of which learned to open the fridge and freezer and caused all kinds of grief.)

have my spade at the ready here too Nini just waiting the nod. ((((Nini))))

((((Tis)))))

Please please help!!! He has packed up some stuff. Supposed to leave today and now he has taken our two boys into the City until late. When I said that it was to late for 4 year old he said that was me trying to get my own way (they are not returning til 10pm) And then when I said I need to know when he is leaving and what he is doing when it concerns the kids (because I need to organise theeir childcare) he just started saying that I was good at administration and being sarcastic and generally a FW. I told him to stop because the boys were there but it just went on and on. And he still will not move out!!!!
Basically how do I stop getting drawn into these stupid arguments. How do I stop him from making me soooo angry I want to kill him (yyy to nini regarding killing myself some days!! Just general escape out of the whole mess!!) I can't live like this anymore :(
When I look out for the kids interest he called me a 'stiff' or I'm messing with his plans.....or worse, a control freak and he makes out he is the victim with no say.

Try and imagine he is speaking Martian Mont - he might as well be. Focus on what you want. I take it he left the packed stuff at home??

Montessorisam its hard but you have to disengage. He has to bring them back eventually and he is just f ing with u to get a reaction. When u start to detach and not react they back off a bit. Its hard when they are hurting u but u have to be a bit whatever about it. Easier said than done I know

Nini sorry to hear about the fwittery its awful to feel like that but as someone said just get out with dd it helps just to wander around aimlessly have done it myself

Mink yes gd idea to make him apologise to kids u have every right to be furious and make him answerable to them

tis I hope you feel happier again soon, it's been lovely having you raise us on here but we are here for you too

mont detach, detach, detach. Easier said than done.

nini keep going

Welcome yummy - read your threads and glad you've found this one

charlotte I'm so sorry for what you are having subjecting yourself to in the name of your escape. The DTD bit so awful for you.

My head is still fucked. I'm really in the fog of cognitive dissonance, disbelieving all my head knows to be true. Didn't meet FW but now my body is crying out for him. I want him so badly. I'm with my family now so no danger of me going anywhere. He has just texted saying he doesnt want to be like it was before anymore and the only way to do that was to not see me again.

nini what strikes me is the sheer amount of effort your FW devoted to his FWittery, especially on Sunday. Just cos you'd been to the Vixen's wherever you went and drank (well done, btw).

I agree with advice re cats and rental, btw. Stay safe.

((('tis)))

Nini massive hugs to you for that weekend from hell. Could you not move out of the house and rent, while FW stays and sell the house once you are out, whatever state it's in? Sometimes it might be better to cut your losses and accept less for it than it's worth, if it'll get you out of there. Galling, I know, but maybe a better option than continuing on like this? Operation: Get Nini Out needs to step up a gear! I moved into a rental before with a cat (a shared house, fully furnished), or if you get somewhere unfurnished it doesn't matter so much if the couch gets shredded, if it's your couch.

Monte - he is playing with you. He's taking the boys out to show you that you can't stop him from doing exactly what he wants when he wants, and to show you that he doesn't intend on moving out to your timescale, he'll do it when he's ready (ie delay for as long as possible to wind you up to the max). The only way I can think to take control back is to leave yourself or get him removed.

Colin why is he texting you to tell you the thing that you've already decided? So he can pretend that it's his decision, and also to see if you'll bite and reply back, giving him scope to send more texts. It's just another fishing trip. Glad you are with your family.

And more massive hugs to Leclerc. In fact, hugs all round, it's Monday and we all need them! ((((((())))))))))

TFI Monday again. I cannot believe how much the fog lifts when FW goes away to work. Had a lovely long chat with a good friend at work (the only RL person apart from my parents who knows) and it has made things so much clearer. She asked me what I would suggest to her if she was in my situation. The answer was so easy - leave, leave, leave.

So with that I've made another baby step. I've seen a rental property and have registered my interest. Like Nini my big issue is Ddog that I will not leave. I am finding out tomorrow whether the house I like will allow her to come. nini I have offered to pay a higher deposit as I am 100% certain she won't cause any damage and this seemed to go down well. Could you manage to offer that?

yummy welcome. I too recognise your name from previous threads. The getting out plan sounds good.

mink I'm not surprised you're fuming. I would be angry for a long long time.

tis hope things are better today?

mont another one saying detach! Did you have any joy looking at a rental house last week? And was it you with the job interview on Fri? Apologies if I've confused you with someone else (I blame the spaghetti head )

charlotte what about some thrush? That might put him off! I'm sure we can all think of a lot of good excuses between us. Seriously though, I suppose if it's what you have to do then maybe look at the bigger picture and think of the end goal.

nini I totally get where you are coming from but if you are feeling that bad at times I really think you need to start seeing if there is a way to leave before the house is sold. just to get some space. I find weekends so hard and then weekdays (as FW lives away for work M-F) is like a breathe of fresh air. I really don't think I could cope if he was here everyday with no let up.

I get what you're saying Mink, and I'm not trying to make excuses (or maybe I am), but DCat is a very nervous rescue cat who spooks at her own shadow. Fleeing in the night to an unknown place would break her, I have to plan it carefully. This might sound weird to non-pet people, but she was my baby before DD came along, and every bit as important to me.

Montessori, not sure what to suggest really but sending my sympathy. What a FW. Detaching is all you can really do...

Stay strong, Colin.

X-posts. Moving out and renting not an option, I have no savings and the mortgage takes a massive chunk out of my wage. But you're right Curtis, Operation Get Out needs to step up a gear. I need to make more of an effort.

Fingers crossed you get the house you want Bounty!

nini i totally get the cat thing. It doesn't sound like an excuse to me. I will not go without Ddog either. She is the best of the best listeners.

So it sounds the only option really is to get the house on the market asap. But you can't do that without telling your FW. Does he know that you want to finish things? Just being nosey and feel free to ignore but do you pay the whole mortgage? Is the house in your name only?