Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

oops, sorry, x-posted.
Nini be gentle with yourself.

Hmm my laptop dislikes me tonight. Night Winnie get some rest . And you're right Colin, maybe the right time will come.

Feeling v tired myself tonight. Study books have gone away as my eyes are hurting. Listening to the wind outside, what happened to spring?

I'm chuckling at the double standards again. I was told in no uncertain terms that he didn't want to conduct the relationship via text or email and he was sick of our virtual relationship. Loving the medium of today's grand gesture in light of that request

Perhaps we should send our laptops to the FWs across the moor Nini although mine's decided to work now! Lovely, just like in any chapter of our relationships with our FWs, you did what you had to do on this occasion. Don't beat yourself up about it. Be gentle, as tether says.

Hi all. Checking into The Vixens for some dutch courage. Tomorrow is The Talk and I feel nervous already. Have had a lovely chat with a WA lady and she has talked me through safety things etc. So feel as well prepared as I ever will I think. She also made some sense to me to consider renting for a while. I was opposed to that initially as it felt like wasted money, but in fact I can see that it could be money well spent. It would allow me instant space and the luxury of time to get the divorce sorted, money in my bank account and then choose a house I love rather than feeling rushed into one that happens to be available. And chances are that it won't be a quickie amicable divorce anyway given that I'm married to a FW. So I'm feeling more positive about that, even though it means moving twice and not having my 'own' house instantly. I don't have much stuff of my own anyway and I'm sure DD would cope as she's only young. Anyway, will hopefully be back over the weekend with an update of how I've got on.

Nini - you have done the right thing. End of.

tether - I like your kindness to yourself. I should do more of that. (she said, with no intention of going to bed before the History Boys is finished...)

Thinking of you bounty. That sounds like a good plan, the renting

I agree bounty it does sound like a good plan. I hope it all goes ok. We'll be thinking of you x

Thanks ladies, and and . Being grown-up is so hard. Lol Tis, my laptop is my pride and joy, even if it is a piece of crap rubbish sometimes!

Good luck for tomorrow Bounty, will be thinking of you. I have the same plan r.e. renting, having to rush into buying a house you may or may not want is never a good idea anyway, and if it turned out to be a nightmare you'd then have the problem of a) living somewhere you hate and b) having that to contend with on top of everything else. I think it's a wise idea and a good move.

Can barely keep my eyes open so going to stagger into bed for an early night. Night all, here's to a peaceful night.

Good luck bounty, will be thinking of you. Renting could be good - I am renting, and it made things so easy, it is a furnished place and I just moved in. I planned to move to somewhere else at some point, still considering it, but actually I like it here. I feel safe. That's important.
Try and forget about the money, if it's possible, and do whatever you think will make life easiest for you and DD.

Grown-up, Nini??? Who said we were grown-ups!!!! (Big ongoing conversation with my counsellor at the mo about how I feel stuck at about 14 years old...) G'nite, rest those weary eyes, hope you get a FW-free night's sleep.

I see no grown ups...

Hah! I'm my head I'm still 15, the age on my passport and my southwards heading body parts say otherwise . But that's a conversation for another day!

charlotte it's fine - it was wrong! I know it.
*Nini" don't feel bad. I know where you are coming from. I got pregnant before my husband and I split last time. Things were very bad with us. I had 3 kids already. I would have had the 4th but couldn't raise for kids alone. I had to have an abortion. It's something that I have felt bad about for the past 2 years :( Some of my anger and hatred comes from that place too. I never told anybody until a long time after. I felt such guilt and still do.....
My husband just had the reasonable talk with me "Is this definitley what you want because I sign the lease (on new house) tomorrow" By saying YOU he put it into my court. Big long talk that left me in floods of tears. Of course when he talks like this; in a reasonable manner, it makes it all so hard :( Easoer in some ways to be angry and say GO.
Bounty I am looking at a rented house on saturday. I'm scared. So scary to be moving with 3 kids.....
Cried a lot, red eyes, broken, drained :(

(((hugs)))

I'm going to follow the excellent example upthread and go to bed. I've not been going to bed early recently and then not sleeping when I do. Couple that with The Child That Never Sleeps (aka ds2) and it makes for a very tired Tis. But tonight I feel tired, as though sleep would come easily. So I'm going to capitalise on that. Night all, sleep well.

YY to the renting, bounty, for different reasons I bought this house in a hurry, and while it is now home and DD is at a good school, it has taken blood, sweat and tears to sort of get the space to work, and that is still ongoing. Take your time on the house front, you have enough to contend with. All the best for tomorrow.

winnie, thanks for posting that about the music. I was reflecting on it after Iposted and thought, God that sounds so shallow, I left because of music. But that was one thing of many and it was partly because I had lost so much of my sense of self. You just explained why it was and is important. Music, music you like, is part of your sense of self. Deny someone their choice, their taste, their sound memorie, you deny them part of themselves. I hope you get to listen to your music soon. Sleep well.

nini I too think the time will come.

monte it is okay to say it is what you want, but feel sad about it too. I don't know what the big talk involved but do not get drawn into blame and counter blame , or the 100 ways it could be better when you have already tried 1000 etc. Focus on practicals, childcare, contact etc. It is hard, and you will need time.

I also have A Child That Never Sleeps (tm), I should really be going to bed too...

butterfly music or not, it's all about control. One of the things I enjoy now is being able to watch what I want on TV - not that I do watch that much, but what I do watch is my choice not Grand Designs and Extreme Fishing. We never watched comedy programmes, which is what I enjoy. My enjoyment of humour is part of me. Denied. FW also inflicted his music choices on us all, but that never rankled so much as his refusal to let me enjoy having a laugh.

Good night all who are off to bedfordshire, sleep well.

Butterfly yes you are right. Too tempting to keep trying isn't it. Tried til I'm blue. It's never going to work. I used the bubble technique described as detaching and the observer technique. BOTH made me stay calm. Wonderful. Thank you. Feel very very sad now instead of angry :(

monte - again, you have been able to see what he is doing. This is a positive thing. It's detachment.

I really, really miss him :( Stockholm syndrome? Talk sense to me someone!! I'm even doubting whether he was abusive :(
colin I rather envy you your messages ... BUT.. That's why I blocked email and changed phone- it's a hiding to nothing- I'd reply, then angst, then be happy to get a response, then... Back to the shit. And I need to try and live free from that vortex and see where else I can find happiness, peace etc. despite all the blocking, I still check my phone and inbox- idiot!! But the peace of knowing he can't reach me, for good, bad or nothing- the peace of knowing I can't get back on that roller coaster, that's a good thing.

I've read everything with sympathy and relate to almost all! I'm working at the same time so haven't had time to do a detailed post, but wanted to wave and send hugs and to all.

bounty what time are you doing The Talk tomorrow? Weird question I know but I am taking advice from upthread to do my own The Talk just before buggering off to dm's for w/e - perhaps we should hold virtual hands by doing it at same time?!

pony, yep, I got it with TV too. I watch maybe one hour a week of a series. One hour. He would sit and comment, ridicule, generally talk through it till I gave up. Or watch shooty type action films which I don't find relaxing, so would leave him to it.

breathe, good wishes to you too with The Talk.

2013go I have had doubts about whether FW was abusive to me, till he pulled some harassment type stunts which are still having an effect and I realised that was the whole dynamic of our relationship. But that apart, regardless of what you name it, or how you explain it, could you live with it? Was it working from your perspective?

Need to go to sleep as I will wake up at the crack of dawn, I am sure.

Struggling to 'stay away'...

This: Intense relationships tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

excerpt from here