Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships...coming of age:21

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

tis, am I right that certain official agencies have advised you not to post? Because, if so, it might help to see it as a choice to follow their advice for your wellbeing. You do have the choice to post, you could say stuff FW, I have the right to post and not be scared and just be circumspect about what you do post?

Ignore me if I am offbeam, it just seems another form of control. So maybe think about it as your choice and (hopefully temporary) decision, albeit in response to online and real harrassment, and as something you can review in the future. In other words, you have some ownership of the decisi o n.

We miss you too (hugs)

Oh dear. Every morning I wake up and my head just feels bombarded with it all...what should I do? My hatred for the FW. Should I move out with kids or wait (very patiently whilst sitting on anger) for him to go so that I can relax on my decision to move?
2013go - you son sounds adorable. How beautiful and innocent. It makes me so sad. My kids are 4, 8 and 11. My 11 year old really understands what is going on. I'm having to dodge her wrath now too :(
Gosh this is so hard and I am so grateful to all you lovely people for being out there, for sharing and handholding. Have a peaceful dayx

butterfly yes, totally right about the advice. I just miss the ability to splurge and not be circumspect about what I post! The ability to be totally honest because I didn't 'know' anyone was wonderfully freeing. I can't name so much of what went on in real life, even to my DA groups, so I feel that the healing element of what I had here is missing. And it helped to use this as a place to release my anger and frustration and bitterness where it was safe to do so, safe to rant and explode in ways I never would in RL.

So last night I decided to pretty much do what you're suggesting and posted on a couple of other threads. It was nice to be able to do so, but although I love to help, previously I gained far more than I gave. And although I have wonderful parents and some wonderful friends I have yet to find a replacement for MN.

Ach, I'm just feeling maudlin at the moment!

Absolutely, and I didn't mean to minimise any of that. You are right to be angry and upset. I don't think there is a replacement for MN but I do think there may be a point to trying to reclaim some of it. There is a balance between protecting yourself for the reasons professionals have given you and protecting your mental health and sanity by posting here. Only you can tell what that balance is.

cross posted form my thread too. so he says he cant give me money for my sons bday present but i go upstairs to get my passport from his drawer and theres a huge bundle o fmoney in a n envelope. Also, after last nights argument i woke up this morning and he is all sweetness and light like nothing has happened. aslo noticed that the loud crash i heard after he had said horrible things ot me was him punching the door, there is a huge crack in the wood. i had this horrible dream about trying to run away and calling the police but i couldnt get away, i was hysterical and kept trying to call the police. i think its because i had to sleep next to him after all the htoughts i had been having.
he woke up this morning and tried to cuddle me, i batted him away. he said he "wanted to talk" so i said can i have a minute to wake up, he said of course. then after about 10seconds got up and said he was busy today so couldn't talk. MEH! I am sending up supporting evidence for a council house. i would just like it if he moved out - but he wont.

tweedle others may be able to give better advice but I think you can actually report the door punching to the police as it is threatening behaviour designed to intimidate. best to log all incidents. at very least one for the diary.

I was going to try to have a few days off posting but I find myself in need of a bit of handholding. phoned csa today to get ball rolling. the deed is done. I checked that they would not contact him before weekend- access visit. I will email him next week to give him the heads up but tbh I am scared. Don't know why. he is not going to actually hurt me. He might even be perfectly reasonable about it. but then again he might be shouty mental. it is the not knowing that freaks me out. and the feeling guilty like I have done something wrong. If he is shouty mental it will just be over the phone I suppose so I can just put it down.

AFAIK the CSA contacts the nrp by phone. that seems like a bit of a mad idea to me. surely by letter would be better. he may go mental that I even gave them his number. but then maybe normal people are fine with that kind of thing.

(have to say though csa man was lovely. nice voice down hormones, down!)

minkembra i am new to all this but i am assuming the fear of not knowing how he is going to react is the control aspect for him. you feel so grateful when they don't 'go mental' and it pulls you into a false sense of security. then the next time they do it seems to hurt so much more. I have been advised to contact citizens advice bureau to get an injunction to get him out the house. I wish he would go, i love my house. i have worked so hard on making it our home and it would be so disruptive for the kids. but then i suppose if i am the one dusrupting them then he can use that against me. he knows i would feel like leaving after last night which is why he is being so fake nice today. he smashed the door open when he got home from being out last night too. thing is, he doesn;t really intimidate me as such. but like you mention its the not knowing, its the feeling edgy that hurts the most

Just a quick report to say I got hold of the MAP this morning - rang my GP who were amazingly quick. He did try to persuade me to get the coil fitted though - I told him sex was so rare these days I didn't need it. .

Leclerc - could you come and join in the bantering without talking too much about what's going on for you? Would that help a little? Am going to PM you, hope that's ok.

Monte - I don't know what to advise, but I know how hard it is, and how it feels walking on those eggshells. I think what I would say is: don't let him take charge of what's going on. If he has somewhere else lined up, great, but I suspect he doesn't - he just said that to put the wind up you. If you can, take the initiative yourself - see a solicitor, arrange your finances, and look into what your options are if he doesn't go so you can be ready to make a decision. And if he doesn't, you might have to, for your safety and sanity.
Did you ever find out what he told the kids that night? Did he tell them he was leaving or that you were making him leave?

mink well done for getting that done. I know what you mean about the not knowing being almost as scary as FW himself. But i think you are right, he'll go mental. Maybe refuse to talk to him on the phone about it, as he'll only rant, shout and swear anyway and you don't need to be subjected to that. If you email him to give him a heads up, maybe say you'll only talk to him about it by email. The fact that he wont physically hurt you is immaterial. Shouting and swearing and going mental is all designed to intimidate you until you give in and he gets his way.

tweedle that sounds awful. If you've been advised to get him removed, do it! Can you call 101 about the door and report it that way? Then you are on their radar at least but it's not so scary as calling the police out.

Nini - phew!!!!

hi lovelies

just popping by as reading through and notice reference to CSA, yes, they do fone initially to get confirmation of biological parentage. Have to say was well worth it, to have the financial bullying removed from the equation. Although he's achieved it in other ways, by withdrawing supporting funds from DDs lifestyle.

Caused huge fallout, but I stayed well away from it all, kept my head down, and they called me to say he was extremely cross about the whole thing (even to them) and refused to speak any more, then they did the rest by letter, but it was all set up very quickly. If he will not provide bank statements/pay slip evidence for last few months, they go direct to his work.

Tis I know its not the same, but you can always blart pm's to me for a 'safe' off-load too.

FP oh dear.. I made it but tough going again.

Take care ladies. xx

Thank you for all the advice, have talked to DP and she agrees that all I can do right now is be by her side. Her parents are looking after her DD for a bit, so that I can focus on being supportive, and making a lot of tea. The hard bit is knowing that she is pain, and I can't help shoulder the burden, just hold her hand as she goes through it.

She has been convinced she is letting everyone down lately, and that I would be better off without her. I constantly let her know that isn't true, and she knows this, just finds it hard to believe it at the moment. Is this a normal phase, that will pass with time? Or do is there something else I can do to support her with this specific part?

Yeah well done mink and nini getting important things done.

Struggling again today to accept and be happy with the fact he isn't coming back again, I was ok this morning but just gone downhill as I realise I've no idea where he is etc

I made myself go into town earlier which I haven't done in a while. Miserable weather, miserable town, just made me feel worse.

Waiting for twitchy fingers to pass. Day 10 NC! Not that there would be any point, I'm being painted as the abusive psycho so I have to keep quiet for that reason alone.

AtAr, I would let her know that that is your choice to make, and she should not feel responsible for it. It might take the weight off her shoulders a bit. FWs convince us that we are responsible for their behaviour - it puts rather a heavy burden on our shoulders!

Well done, Nini! One fewer thing to worry about!

Colin you are doing very well. Patience is very hard, though, isn't it?!

mink - yeah, the making you feel guilty. I find that really hard to deal with.

FP was good today - like the new faciliatators. All the other women seem so strong, though. Loads of positive, happy stuff in the icebreaker, and all I could say was that if I were a colour I'd be beige because there's nothing exciting in my life and nothing exciting in me. I didn't even express it that well! Facilitator just said, "If that's how you feel, that's how you feel," - in a way which was validating without being false.

Well done day 10 NC colin ! A big achievement along this roller-coaster of a journey. Create a 'welcome' message on your phone of 'don't do it'! You've done so well, keep going ... strength to you for knowing this withdrawal stops soon.

At I thinkk the key thing to know is that the more ppl she reaches out to (of the right sort, not those that don't understand DV) the more messsages of validation she will get about it not being her fault, which works through to a growing sense of self, and learning to give herself a break, and letting others do the helping they want to do, where she feels its useful). Encourage her with the knowledge that she has the strength to travel this journey and will come out feeling cleansed of it all. It will be worth it. maybe she'd be able to read some of this thread? or post about her experiences if she comfortable for that?

Well done for MAP Nini I hope it goes ok xxx

Hi everyone - just a quick hello to everyone and well done colin
tis I have had that advice to - I can see where it comes from, as the less you think troubled thoughts the better you feel but being able to get things out is important too - agree with butterfly about balance.

Things are in the lull time at the moment but when the next wave hits I'll be back on more as I do feel that only when you have expereince of this can you see it the same way and you all do help to stop those negative thoughts running away with themselves which is what the professionals want (I think).

He's just fucking emailed me.

you don't need to keep it, or reply tho Colin?

I can't stop staring at it and am in a spin

FUCKWIT

decide you will deal with it another day? this was my trick for letting go of answering his attempts at communication abuse but by mail

I remember that feeling Colin is horrible. Try to decide when you will deal with it, and in the meantime, ignore, detach, and put shields up. Viewing it from a perspective of someone else viewing it.. maybe one ofus? or the police? or your mum? other family members/friends? Choose one and read it through their filter... ?

It says he is sorry for how things ended, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and that he hopes I'm ok.

I mean? What is that? What did he expect? Of course I am hurt and of course I'm not ok.

Oh I do like your reaction! What DOES he expect exactly, so you have your reply then? funny how he still expects that you would reply to this strange line of his thoughts after what he's done.... altho not funny atall of course...

Fuckwittage of the highest order.

This would be the expected line, as all the girls here will testify to! After him realising, shock horror, that you have actually NOT come crawling back, now its time for the soft soap crap... glad you're seeing through it... v. strong lovely xxx