Skating, I'm not going to focus on the abuser angle now because the label is obviously causing you some problems and I don't think it's helpful so I'm going to put it aside for this post.
The other issue here is that you are clearly not happy. Look at why.
You go and do something nice for him in getting the groceries while you're away. You weren't sure you had enough money on you to get him beer and all of a sudden you're all wrong (didn't he say 'what is the point of you?).
You want to have a pleasurable sex life. What you consider pleasurable is irrelevant as 'you should be happy with what turns him on' regardless of how you feel about it.
He had what you consider to be an EA (I use those words not to minimise the impact of the EA because other posters have hinted that it was probably sexual but you consider it not to be. Either way it's an affair of some sort). This EA hasn't ended, it's just 'reduced'. Why? Is that not a blurring of boundaries? How much contact would you need to consider it restarted?
When you split up one of the reasons you had him back was because he said nobody else would ever want you.
If you have an opinion you are a 'selfish bitch' who puts yourself before the relationship. The only way you can amend this is by deferring to him at all times.
If you don't answer a Facebook message within the requisite time scale you are also being a 'selfish bitch' .
You walk on eggshells to avoid being a 'selfish bitch' but get picked up on if you don't look happy enough.
These are the things I have picked out from reading the last few pages of this thread. I'd bet my house, car and baby there's plenty more of the same ilk.
Whether you consider this to be abuse or not it is obvious that this relationship is not bringing you any joy. And you deserve joy, and happiness and contentment. You don't deserve a slimeball knobhead like this who makes you feel so conflicted and insecure that you doubt yourself at every turn.
A good relationship makes you feel secure, relaxed, happy and confident.
LTB!
xxxxx