am I being assertive or unreasonable

[skatingonice]

After a tough couple of years have decided to make ago of my relationship (of 12 years) but realised for my sanity I needed to be more assertive with what I want from the relationship.
There have been positive changes with house work (he can do some without being asked!) And a few other things too.

The sticking point is now sex. The has been a bit of a drout whist things were settling down but the last few times we have started we always stop as I want him to spend some time caressing me and turning me on, without just grabbing my breasts or putting his hand between my legs... Not saying he can't do these or I don't like them, just don't want him to start there. I have spoken to him, explained this, but he doesn't seem to get it, the other night I tried moving his hand on to my stomach (which I have said I like been stroked), another time I asked him to kiss my neck.... These are met with a blunt end to proceedings... He says I'm been unreasonable, those things don't turn him on so he shouldn't have to do them. I should just be turned on or be happy with where/how he wants to touch me. If I say please can you do x, the reply will be "well what are you going to do to turn me on? " but he is obviously already more turned on then me...He says I can only ask for things that are mutually enjoyable (I pointed out sex with both of us turned on would be mutually enjoyable)

I think he is obviously turned on enough for PIV sex from much less then I am. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to spend some time getting me turned on too?)

Skating, please leave him.

I just want to hug you, I can see how painful this gradual realisation is for you but keep going, you're doing so well.

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be a shit but 12 years is enough. You deserve a happy life. And there is one out there for you. You really don't need to live with all this self doubt. I promise you xxx

Grrrr still here, still going around....

Got a copy of that book. Have read but think I'll need a re-read at some stage.

His latest thing is to constantly pick up that I have changed, I've been different for months and "just expect him to put up with it" he has no say in this, it's all unfair etc etc main problem is the way he brings this up. Normally once I have gone to bed and in reference to an incident that normally occurred a few days previous (and I have forgotten about so can't form a argument against). The result of this is I don't argue back as nothing I say well be right anyway so he just gets to ball out with no consequence. Then the following day if I'm not on form (ie upset or quiet) I get grief for that.

This week's was he upset as he had walked into the bedroom naked after a shower, I was in the room sorting laundry... didn't jump on him for sex so this was Disrespectful, made him feel rejected, etc. He hadn't said anything just come in the room and was using his phone.... Why not day something then, why wait two days to bring it up? So frustrating.

My doubt comes from the fact that I have changed.... But I don't think I'm a way that's negative to him and the relationship.... going to have to have this out with him but don't have the energy this week.

Wow! Just Wow!
You have 12 pages here of great advice and insight.
You need to realise, these women know what they are talking about.
Your situation sounds just awful and you are continuing to put up with it.
I have no experience at all but after reading this I just want to shout:
GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT - NOW!!!!!!!!!!
None, I repeat NONE of this is your fault. Leave and do it quickly!

And I quote:
"Skating, please leave him."

It's so normal for me though. I can't tell what is reasonable and what isn't. Can't tell what I'm causing and what I'm responsible for.... and what is him being a dick.

Should be easy shouldn't it, are you happy? No. So leave.

I can't see any relationship being any different. And although I wouldn't be leaving to go into another relationship I would want one eventually, and then it will be the same.

Suppose the bottom line is I don't have the guts to go through with it. If I did I would have gone by now.

I have had lot of good advice here and that's been really helpful to keep my mind straight and stop me thinking everything is automatically my fault.

Just got to decide what to do. Can't stay the same. Can't go back to doing things his way and appeasing him, can't expect him to change. Not many choices are there.

Have you read your OP lately?

Have you started making a plan and asking for advice?

Once you have all the bits in place, it seems easier.

Skating, there's only so much advice one can give without wanting to shake you by the shoulders.

Yes, we will be here for you. And yes, it can take people a while to pluck up the courage to change their lives.

But it just feels like there is little more that can be said that hasn't been said already.

He's abusive.
He's a dick.
He's horrible to you.
He posts nude pictures of you on the internet for other people to wank over.
He's self absorbed.
He's sulky.
He manufactures rows with you.
You walk around on eggshells so as not to upset him.
It doesn't work in any event.
You are not happy.

Do you want to be living like this in a year's time? What about 10 year's time? What about when you are 80? Do you still want him fucking with your mind then? Because he will.

What practical steps do you need to do to end the relationship? If I recall, you have a joint mortgage - what do you need to do to extricate yourself from that? Have you sought any practical advice?

Plans would be short and sweet, ask him to leave (he can't afford house on him own)

Put house on market.

I have places I could go and stay with no notice to put some distance in place.

Yeah have read it. The sex theme has been a continously one through the relationship, there had always been a problem and I have never been good enough in his eyes, never adventurous enough, never frequent enough. Now I can see that actually there is no problem with me, the problem is we are probably just not comparable but he has spent many years sulking and manipulating me so he can have his way. Now I've stopped trying to please him there is a massive problem and he doesn't like it.

Cross post Beryl.

I know, I know, I know!

What can I say. Less words and more action needed.

Questions, questions:

How long have you had the mortgage together? Is there equity on the house? Did you both contribute similar amounts to the capital? Could you afford to buy him out? Could he afford to buy you out? Is the mortgage and house the only practical thing that currently ties you to him?

Practicalities aside, how do you think he would respond to you ending things? Do you think he would bully and harass you?

This mortgage only a couple of years. Not much equity in house and neither could buy the other out. Would probably take a while to sell based on similar properties in the area.

I could keep up with repayments on my own if I need to.Keeping the house isn't something I would be bothered about so song would be fine. Costs could be paid with equity.

I put the deposit down for our first properly, wouldn't be interested in trying to get it back, this isn't about money.

Now have my own bank account so that's sorted.

Also have dogs. I travel with work so keeping them would be the biggest issue.

He would switch between angry and upset. He could turn nasty but at the end of the day What's the worst he can say. The only potential damage he could do is with the photos he has of me.... But doing anything with them would make him look bad wouldn't it. No there is probably no way I can get them. Even if I take where I think they are there will be back ups in not aware of .

The reason for going would need to be unrelated to him or anything that ever happened, it would have to be my fault, which is fine. There's a difference between being in the right and telling people you're right. I can take the fallout and he can have the mutual friends and sympathy vote.

It doesn't have to be about "fault", you can simply say you don't love him anymore, that you are not compatible, that you argue too much.

If you think he'd make it too difficult, you can set things up (rental, dogs) and then just go and let him know when it's done.
You don't really owe him anything.

Hear hear Lweji.

Wow, so this was me. Have just read this and my other two threads under the same name back.

I've been out of this relationship for a year.

You were all right, looking back I cant believe what I put up with. I wish I had left sooner, but when I did end it I was in a strong enough place (partly thanks to people on here) to deal with all the shit that went along with the end. All the things I thought were barriers weren't anything to worry about in the end. Sure there were hard times but none as bad as the shit I put up with whilst in the relationship.

We've still got the house but its on the market, hes mainly living with his new GF - which is the best possible outcome for me as since he found her he hasn't been focusing on me.

Thank you for all those who gave advice, in the end I just had enough, there was no big event, I didn't need to wait for him to do something worthy of leaving over, I just realised I didn't care anymore and wasn't going to do this for a moment longer.

For anyone else looking for answers, someone once said something along the lines of, 'not being happy is a good enough reason to leave'. So true. Don't waste time trying to find a better reason.

Oh wow OP, brilliant update! So pleased for you

perfect: not being happy is a good enough reason to leave

What a great update. Thanks OP.
Glad you are out of that relationship.
Let his new GF deal with it all.
Well done!

great news