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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

994 replies

wavesandsmiles · 01/05/2013 11:50

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

OP posts:
oldwomaninashoe · 16/05/2013 11:37

No, no,no. You are not emotionally and physically strong enough to deal with this at the moment.
Text that you are not well enough....in and out of hospital etc etc but say that all being well you look forward to introducing her DC's to their new brother in the future.

I too am suspicious of the motives behind this sudden request.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 16/05/2013 11:42

I texted back saying "I'm still very ill having not made any improvement despite the daily visits to hospital for treatment etc and so really not up to having people round but I will let you know when (if) I make an improvement.

Since sending that (I left my phone at home whilst the family support worker I've got now took me to the citizens advice bureau) I have had pretty much an essay back. She has been sympathetic, but seems not to appreciate at all what I am actually going through, but has offered to take my two to the park with hers so I can have a rest, and that way her boys can see my two without me having to see twunt. And said how much her boys are looking forward to meeting their new baby brother or sister. Then another text saying she is happy to spend time with me by herself in person so I can get to know her before entrusting my children to her care, and then final text saying her sole intention is that her boys have a good relationship with me and my children.

I think I am going to take myself off to bed for a sleep now - exhausted from the appointment at CAB, but glad I have been, and exhausted from not sleeping, and exhausted now too from reading all those texts!

OP posts:
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 16/05/2013 11:51

Well done waves! Thanks

AgathaF · 16/05/2013 12:16

I hope you're going to ignore her essay. If she is genuine, she won't push it but will stay back and wait for you. I think you've probably not heard the last from her though, so best not engage at all.

Hope your nap picks you. It's lovely and sunny here so far today, hopefully it is where you are. Sunshine just makes you feel so much brighter generally.

captainmummy · 16/05/2013 13:46

Ignore, waves. I dont really understand why she wants your dc and her dc to have a good relationship - they have no relationship. Neither do you, now you are not with your twunt any more.
Agree with PP - she has her own agenda. She is not your friend. I would think twice (and more) about her taking your dc anywhere. I know it's probably tempting to 'get her on side' and maybe to get some peace from the kids..... but no. All my inttincts would be screaming NO!.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 16/05/2013 13:46

Good lord, ignore ignore ignore. She's being really pushy and obviously has some motivation for doing so which is not about your best interests. Children will be fine, she's trying to tug at your heart strings and that's not nice at all. Be strong waves, dont give her what she wants

Xales · 16/05/2013 13:55

Don't give any reasons or excuses. They will come back with a way around your reasons and you will engage in a text conversation you don't want to have and which will only upset and stress you.

Simply say no you do not want to meet up.

If you are feeling generous tell her you will be in contact when you are ready after bubs is born for them to meet their sibling unless ex wants to do that on his time.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 16/05/2013 14:03

I hope that you did manage to get some sleep.

I am de lurking to say that, if people are genuine, they will do things that you want them to do, rather things that they want to do to you (but say it is for your benefit).

I would be very polite and grateful and say thanks, great, will be in touch when better.

I am a bit concerned about you having everyone for extended, regular play dates at your house under the pretence of getting to know Acrobat.

themidwife · 16/05/2013 14:15

I think ignore her. You don't need yet another person interfering right now do you? Esp after her judgements upon you in the past!

TeresaGreene · 16/05/2013 14:45

Hope you got some sleep Waves, I'm another who thinks this woman has bad intentions. I reckon Twunt has put her up to this to mess with your head and to pressurise you into giving him access to your little acrobat when he is born. She is most definitely not your friend, unlike all of us on here who are all rooting for you over t'internet Smile.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 16/05/2013 15:26

You do NOT need this woman in your life, Waves.

You don't.

She's another toxic one, so close that door before she barges her way in.

And keep it closed.

LiveItUp · 16/05/2013 16:17

Ugh. Just as you very bravely get rid of two toxic people from your life, another tries to come barging in - no doubt under the influence of one you've just booted out. Sudden concern, sudden "let's get together and be bosom buddies and let our children all be best friends" Hmm Red flags are flying high.

You have a growing army of people who support you for you. You do not need the complication of whatever game she is playing. Put her out of your mind and REST. Not long now Wink

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 16/05/2013 16:23

no, no and again no. She has her own agenda - not entirely sure what it is, maybe to find out exactly how badly twunt has screwed you over, Im not sure, but what I am sure of is that you do not need her in your life at all.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 16/05/2013 16:24

and - surely if she wanted to get to know you, she would have done so already, as you had her DC staying at YOUR house for almost a year pre the split.

She's had her chance - shut that door and dont open it again.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/05/2013 16:38

Glad you made it to Citizens' Advice, hope you got some rest x

Homebird8 · 16/05/2013 20:24

I know the friends you have told about Twunt in RL have been wonderfully supportive but why on earth would this, previously antagonistic, woman suddenly join their ranks? Red flags for me too.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 16/05/2013 21:11

Definitely red flags for me too, now I have tinkered a bit with my radar.... If she was that concerned, as someone said, she would have been much more supportive months ago, and, if it was all about the children, she's have made a real effort when I was actually caring for her boys so much of the time!

I'll just not reply, and leave it for now.

OP posts:
LiveItUp · 16/05/2013 21:59

Phew. Well done you. Another hurdle hurdled. Now, about that rest ....

How long now until Acrobat is due? I'm very sorry that I have lost track of the weeks Blush

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 16/05/2013 22:02

Yay for that radar!

pointythings · 16/05/2013 22:10

Another vote for a big fat NO. You owe these people nothing. She's using emotional blackmail. Carry on detoxing.

springymater · 17/05/2013 01:26

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. I can't help thinking that extensive texts are a bit of a worry, tbh. Insistent wouldn't you say?

Can I just bring up the lodgers issue again? I have lodgers - and they're lodgers, we're not house-sharing. If my toilet breaks, the lodgers don't sort it out - I do! I mow my lawn, I pay the bills ie the house is my responsibility. They just pay rent. when push comes to shove, I come first. I'm not suggesting being ignorant/bossy and I appreciate you don't want to piss them off - I really do appreciate that, I promise you! - but you, and yours, come first (not the other way around...).

and now I've written a rather insistent post. apologies Blush

I hope that the detox/s gradually gain ground and you are able to push aside some peace dear waves xx (x100)

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 17/05/2013 10:20

glad you are tinkering with your twunt/toxic radar! Honestly, the sooner you keep all those types of people away from you the better for your mental health and general happiness.

doing great.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 17/05/2013 12:27

Thanks for all the supportive messages. I'm feeling a little crummy today, vomiting has been pretty appalling, and at hospital they weighed me and I've actually dropped a little, so just below my pre-pregnancy weight again. Gutted as I have been trying so SO hard to make sure that acrobat is getting plenty, but it's obviously not enough. Does anyone have a magic wand they could wave in my direction to get rid of the sickness?

Have thought a little about twunt's ex's messages, and decided not to think about them anymore. My DCs have a younger half sister somewhere round here, who they don't know at all, and although they knew her for a little bit, they don't probably even remember her, and certainly have never mentioned her. It must be well over 4 years, maybe 5, since they saw her. Their dad totally disappeared from their lives, and I never felt a great need to buddy up with his now also ex-partner (who was the OW in our break up) in order to maintain a relationship with their half sibling.

I'm 29 + 3 weeks now, so around 10 weeks until acrobat is due to make his grand appearance. Hoping the time flies by. It has gone pretty quickly really, I first posted when I was 14 weeks pregnant, and since then a huge amount has happened and changed in our lives, and I think generally this has all been for the better.

OP posts:
thekatsatonthematt · 17/05/2013 13:33

Just wanted to say I think you are amazing waves.

I'm 29+1 and was in a right grump about 20 mins ago because I'm tired and thirsty (in the middle of my post delivery so trying not to fill my bladder too much Wink )

Am now sat on a wall eating my sarnie and having a quick rest before cracking on. And remembering how bloody lucky I am that my pg has been straightforward, and that I am still able to even contemplate doing a 8.5mile delivery 4 days a week.

So, thank you for the unintentional kick up the back side. I'm off to finish my round... Grin

AgathaF · 17/05/2013 14:16

waves - acrobat is getting plenty, it's you who will be suffering through lack of food. Don't worry about the little one.