DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

[wavesandsmiles]

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

or even to a total stranger, or even to twunt or DM for that matter!

I get it.

Seems to sum up your mother's attitude of self preservation and aversion to protecting you, waves. Agree probably better to write off DCs' stuff and incur extra cost rather than try and get it back.

Glad your ribs are less sore today.

oh love, its no wonder you succumbed to twunts advances.

He swizzled and charmed you then left you high and dry.

Of course you feel loss and pain - acknowledge those feelings but move forwards, dont be dragged down by them.

Lots of liquid - if you can stomach it to help with cold. Can you online shop for the uniform/swimming kit and maybe get someone to pop in to shop to collect?

"Is it ok to admit that I still feel like I am pretending to be super strong and positive? And that actually it really hurts that twunt is such a twunt and that I am gutted he has been such an utter arse to me, and that acknowledging that TB will never be and has never been a proper mum to me, is quite painful?"

Waves, it's fine to admit that you feel like you're pretending. The more you pretend, and make it habit, the more it will become your reality. :)

It is also linked to your self esteem issues, and may be a form of Impostor Syndrome, something I suffered from for years, where I felt that I really was just winging it at work and that I didn't really know what I was doing, and everyone else just hadn't realised this! Rubbish of course - but because I had occasional doubts about my abilities to do things perfectly, it made me feel that I didn't know what I was doing at all.

Keep pretending and you'll find that soon it will be real. Although there will probably always be a feeling of loss re. your mother not being a real "mum" to you.

I found it really helpful to have a ceremony to put my parent's behind me. I put all the things I wished they had been/done on slips of paper and burned them one by one while crying my eyes out.

It helped me move on. Obv I had to get on with the rest of the day afterwards, so you can't just wallow!

Oh goodness, this rib pain just isn't going away

I feel so crappy, not having loving arms wrapped around me, telling me that it will be ok, and all worth it in the end, when little acrobat arrives. And I wish I had properly dealt with toxic mother such a long time ago. I may well try a ceremony when I feel a bit more up to it. For now, it is just a question of getting through each day. I'd like for a few days off, just when I don't have to deal with housework, or other people, or discipling the children, washing uniforms, making meals..... I know that won't happen, but maybe I will send the DCs for a sleepover, to prepare them for when acrobat arrives, and to give me a night's rest!

I'm so tired, my brain doesn't ever seem to switch off, and that, together with being physically ill, is utterly exhausting.

And I just had a text, from the mum of my ex-step-kids. Apparently the younger one is really missing me and my DCs and is desperate to pop round as he is worried about how we all are. She wonders if she can come round with the boys. What to do?

Perhaps this is an olive branch from her?

I would say yes, but keep discussion of STBX off limits, and try to put as much of an upbeat face on it.

You never know, this could be a useful relationship to foster for once the baby is born, after all, you have looked after her kids loads, she might return the favour.

And you never know what shite he told her about you, it would be good for you to be able to have some civilised contact, and even though you will probably want to steer clear of any discussion of taunt, she will at least be able to see you for the genuine person you are.

Waves did you not try to contact her when twunt was being a shit and letting the boys run riot, wasn't she the ex that didn't give a shit about your situation?

Sorry if I have that wrong, but considering the childrens general behaviour and your need for as little stress as possible, I would say a resounding no!

Just text back and say you are far too unwell, and that a visit would not be a good idea.

Do NOT forget the part she and her children played in all this.

Whatever you say - WILL BE REPEATED TO TWUNT.

So be as brief as possible. No, sorry, not a good idea.

And then do not waste your time and energy worrying what they think of you

It doesn't matter what they think.

Your ex-step-kids will be fine

They have a mother and father to comfort them.

Do NOT be guilt-tripped into this.

It will massively disrupt your DETOX.

So, no. Just no.

No, Waves

Trying not to be sceptical. The boys plural not just the younger? The ones who missed the dog more than any of you? She will be aware your Acrobat is going to be effectively competing for Twunt's maintenance and spare time. Are you sure she isn't just checking you and either lodger aren't an item?

It feels like a real dilemma. She was totally unsupportive when twunt was around, and has called me a "disgrace" and from what I understood, was firmly in the "waves is all to blame" camp, because I was too strict with the boys. I have no idea if there is a game...

But I genuinely don't feel well enough, certainly at the moment, to be trying to put on a brave face and be upbeat and entertain. Every day is a struggle. And even receiving the text from her is an interruption, of a sort, to the detox.

And already I am worrying about what they all think of me

I think I will go to bed and reply in the morning.

De-lurking to comment

Waves - be VERY wary of this woman. She almost certainly has an agenda and I wouldn't trust her. I suspect she has been put up to this by Twunt using the boys as cover and an excuse. She knows you would refuse to see just her and that is why she is using the boys.

As others have said, all that she sees and all that you say will go straight back.

You could always offer to meet at a neutral place so your sanctuary is not disturbed.

IMHO- don't believe a word she says and just say no.

I don't often post Waves but this time I wanted to add my voice to the crowd of sensibly wary people. I would send a short 'I'm not up to it' text in the morning and steer clear.

Never mind what others think of you, we think you're doing great and that outweighs the bias you are surrounded with in RL.

Do not for one minute think you have any responsibility for the SCs. Don't we all have to take parenting our children, and driving away unreasonable concerns and fears on their part, as our own responsibility. Her response to her DCs should be that you are a grownup and will be fine. They have her and their father around them. If she needs further help with them she should contact some RL support of her own. You are not her mum too.

Oh no don't agree to see her, definitely be very wary, this is the woman who didn't give a flying f*ck when her DS's where being little buggers when you were so ill, they were so worried about you then weren't they. this is just Twunt's way of keeping an eye on you and messing with your head.

quick text nice and honest, "sorry not possible, still being so very ill and spending lots of time in hospital not up to visitors."

don't worry about what they think about you its the truth so it can't be used against you in any negative way. You owe nothing to these kids or the mum.

Another 'no' from here. First, you aren't well enough. Secondly, she's behaved dreadfully and her worried child scenario doesn't ring true.

Put yourself first waves. Let them think what they want to.
Hope you sleep well ...

Another bit fat NO! from me too. She has an agenda, its not about her boys missing you at all, or missing the dog or anything else.

Reply - as above poster said, true and to the point.

Shes a cheeky mare!

You shouldn't feel concerned about sending a 'no, sorry, feel too ill. text either - because you are. You don't need to be worrying about visitors, with children than ran riot and were rude to you last time they stayed, plus a woman that has been completely unsupportive in all her previous dealings with you.

Remember that these are the boys who could not be quiet, could not behave and treated you very disrespectfully, with the full permission of their father, and presumably their mother too. You have no responsibility to these children at this time.

Perhaps when Acrobat is bigger, he might want to know about his half brothers - but you, at the moment, have to do what is right for YOU. And that does NOT involve having these little tearaways in your home.

Chances are they only want to see the dog anyway... and I agree, be VERY wary of the exW's agenda.

Short answer? "Sorry, I'm just not well enough for visitors."

Another NO from me too!

From what we've seen of you on here of you just being a genuinely lovely person, you will no doubt feel terrible for actually saying no.

DON'T FEEL GUILTY!

I agree she's playing a game. You DON'T have to play it!

Text back to say "Not a good idea at the moment, maybe once the baby is here and I feel better. Thanks for your concern" then just leave it there.

Please don't meet her. You have enough on at present without worrying about a meet-up with her. It won't be genuine, you know that. Her loyalty is to Twunt, not you. She probably just wants to get inside your house to see what's going on to report back to him. I think a brief text back saying "sorry too ill at the moment, daily hospital visits. Will catch up another time" would suffice. Then put it out of your mind - she/they don't deserve your time and energy and worry.

Your home is your sanctuary away from their madness. If you must meet her, now or in the future, make it in a neutral place - coffee shop somewhere - so that she can't taint your home.

Waves I'm another lurker adding to the chorus of 'no'. Your ex has already tried to guilt you by saying his DC missed the dog, now the ex's xw is trying to weasel in via the sympathy card for her DC purely to get info on your set up. Remember any emotions their DC have are entirely their responsibility to manage. Upset DC because they miss you? Well, had they bothered to act like decent people and try to help you through this horrendous pregnancy instead of berate you, then things would be different. They all reap what they sow.

Just say no.

Honestly waves, just text back and guilt-trip them. You are far too ill, still going to hospital whilst growing his baby and you have your own life to get back on track. You are not strong enough - and his dc are not your responsibility. So what if they are missing you? (and the dog ) That's his fault, for being such a twunt and leaving you

Definitely no love. Once again someone else's needs are more important than yours - the ex step kids missing someone or something. Do not let twunt, twunt's ex, twunt's kids or toxic mother into your house or your head space. They've all treated you like shit. Of course they don't miss you, they want to be the centre of the drama.