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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

994 replies

wavesandsmiles · 01/05/2013 11:50

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

OP posts:
wordyBird · 08/07/2013 19:40

Good grief, these people are everywhere! Push the boundaries, rant and rave, I'm entitled to x & y... it must have been tempting to bundle him out of the door at once.

Hope you feel calmer soon, waves. You don't need this.

Donkeys, I love the balance sheet idea ;)

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 08/07/2013 20:06

Trying to calm down, just getting the DCs off to bed. Still really upset that he thought it was ok to go on and on at me like that Sad

Entitled youth of today? Goodness knows. I really don't know how to rebuild my safe little nest now. This is a hideous environment now, and my DCs are upset too because they heard it all.

universe - have you got any more general shittyness to throw my way? Because right now I just want to get calm and focused for my little acrobat. Please give me a break.

OP posts:
Jux · 08/07/2013 21:09

I'd have let him go with immediate effect, tbh. He has no right to behave like that, and he was so disrespectful he was almost like Twunt. You really don't need him around.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

BerylStreep · 08/07/2013 21:18

Ok, let's look for the silver lining:

  1. You have dealt with a self entitled arse & given him what for. Good for you!
  1. He is likely to be your ex lodger soon, so it doesn't really matter what he thinks.
  1. When acrobat comes (and let's hope to fuck that your waters break when you happen to be delivering wet laundry / whatever crap he has left around the house back to his room!) you'll not need to deal with this arse when you have your lovely snugly new baby.
  1. You might be shaking, but look how strong you are!
springytata · 08/07/2013 21:18

oh. dear. God. if this isn't a time someone should come round and give that little shit a talking to! Angry

and she paid for that month I hope? Angry Not that she was welcome Angry

As I said, you live and learn. Some of the things I've experienced with lodgers, you'd think a whole swathe of them are mentally ill. You are heavily pg ffs, you are being sick constantly, you have young children. The little SHIT Angry

Waves you do get back your sanctuary the second they are gone. You think your home is sullied but it isn't. I've been amazed at how instantaneous the peace is once they've gone.

I hope he feels so awkward that he doesn't show his face until move out day on Aug 1.

Angry
springytata · 08/07/2013 21:31

Or chuck him out. the little SHIT. Has he paid until the end of the month?

MissStrawberry · 08/07/2013 21:38

Bloody hell, don't start that nonsense. The lodger is a prat but he is nothing like twunt ffs. Saying that immediately down plays all the shit twunt has done if a lodger being disrespectful and toddler like is the same.

Featherbag · 08/07/2013 22:08

Have just spent several hours reading your threads Waves, and just wanted to say YOU ARE AMAZING!

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 08/07/2013 22:24

no, the lodger isnt on the same scale as twunt - but he has similar 'entitled' characteristics.

Waves - calm down lovey. Lodger 1 is not worth you getting angry/upset over. You have stated your case, he is having a tantrum - probably not used to being told NO.

Use the 'broken record' I said No, its not on, over and over and over until he gets it.

I am livid that he spoke and acted that way. Angry

LiveItUp · 08/07/2013 22:29

And breathe ....

So well done for standing your ground. He'll soon be gone. Just another reason to look at relocating to a lovely little nest in a new area Wink

Thumbwitch · 09/07/2013 00:19

So you've given him notice, I'd now tell him that you would appreciate it if he'd find somewhere else asap and leave immediately he does.

It's just not on to treat your landlady in that fashion and he's being extremely rude. I'd also remind him (although it is a kind of blackmail) that you may have to supply references for him in the future.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 09/07/2013 06:11

Well, he spent ages moaning about me to lodger 2 last night. I know this because he did so in lodger 2's bedroom which is directly above mine. And he has a very loud voice!

I am going to leave a letter in his room today setting out that regardless he will need to be out by 8 August and that I would appreciate a little respect over the remaining weeks that he was here. Still really upset that he spoke to me and went on and on like he did.

In true waves fashion I've already got on with things and put the room up on spare room again. I've had a response already, and may send messages to those looking for rooms in the area too.

His behaviour just isn't on. And I won't be convinced that his age is a factor. I was a home owner, a wife and a mother at his age. He is selfish and lacking in empathy. I pity his gf but she knows what she's involved with given I've had a complaint about the very noisy row they had whilst I was away for the weekend with my DCs.

I might try and doze for a bit again, hate that I was struggling even more than usual to get to sleep thanks to the rant from upstairs last night.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 09/07/2013 07:31

Well that was all very shit. What a tosser your lodger is. Good riddance and that though - I like BerylStreep's way of looking at it.

bugsaway · 09/07/2013 08:09

just wondering if you are allowed to tell your tenant to leave like that? i know hes been a total tit but is he contractually allowed to see out his terms? he might just be a total arse and want to stay? hope he packs and leaves without hassle ...

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 09/07/2013 08:12

hopefully lodger 2 is more sensible and sees what L1 is like!

Seems he has form with being a dickhead... oh well. you dealt with it well.

captainmummy · 09/07/2013 08:16

what a tosser. I'd have been tempted to 'double over' with the BHicks and really scare him! That'll end any arguments -as he backs away swiftly.Grin
Hope your next lodger is better - have you sorted any finances out iwth extwunt?

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 09/07/2013 08:25

Awful thing is captainmummy that I was having really bad BH as he was going on at me and I kept saying, please, this is not something that is negotiable, I'm getting really bad pains could you please stop. And he carried on!

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 09/07/2013 08:32

Unbelievable. Was he the one that spread chutney around the whole of the kitchen too?

I hope you have a peaceful day today Waves!

Ezio · 09/07/2013 09:14

Lodger sounds like a right twat.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 09/07/2013 09:33

I'll be more careful choosing the replacement lodger, that is for sure.

Have just had a lovely chat with my doula who is going to drop a tens machine around to me today, and is also looking into finding me a waterproof cover for my PICC line. She reckons i really don't need to write a script or anything for labour, I have my special place to go to when i do the relaxation and that is there in my mind. Having it written down will add nothing. Randomly it is a tree on some grass outside York minster where I used to sometimes go and read a book back when I was a student. I didn't study in York but in Leeds, and used to catch the bus to York sometimes to escape the city. It's a lovely tree and was a perfect spot to sit with a book, so that is where I shall take myself off to.

Lodger 2 has suggested the 3 of us sit down for a chat this evening to discuss what happened yesterday. It can't hurt so as long as I'm not throwing up/having contractions I am happy to do that although quite honestly I would rather he just moved out as he has agreed to on 8 August. He was the one that said if his gf can't come for that length of time he will be forced to hand in his notice, and I said no problem, even though it should be a longer period. So, that's all in writing and I am looking forward to not having him here anymore.

Quiet day ahead I hope, conserving energy and forcing a bit of food down where possible. I wonder whether things really are going to happen in the next week or so, or whether my body is playing tricks and ill end up a fortnight overdue!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2013 09:33

A twunt in the making I think. Obviously not up to waves' H's level yet.

Lodger 2 probably had little choice but to listen to him moan on. Probably thinking Roll on Aug 8th.

Now enough of him - waves think of Acrobat and your own well-being, stay calm, keep breathing.

springytata · 09/07/2013 09:37

Now look, L1 turning L2 against you is totally unacceptable - ie creating division in the house. Please don't use the word 'please' with him - speak in statements to this little shit. Don't appeal to his 'better side' - there isn't one. Get out your sergeant major: this little shit has to learn to conform. And no, he can't be ranting and ranting late at night with a loud voice. You had every right to order him out of L2's room and into his own. It is your house; if he behaves like a kid, treat him like a kid. You're in charge. (It's not as if he has the rights of a shared house - he's hardly been doing any sharing, has he?)

So cross for you, waves . I know how awful lodgers can be - you certainly don't need this now. btw, what happened to the lovely lodgers who mowed your lawn etc?

As for getting him out on the spot: abusing you verbally is an unacceptable/damaging environment for your children. I'm sure that would stand up in any court of law. (not that you want that of course).

It's BOUNDARIES time waves !

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/07/2013 10:01

X posted just now.

If you are agreeable waves have a parley. If you aren't, don't.

If you prefer, give L1 a written warning. Harangue a heavily pregnant landlady in her own home? I think not. Unacceptable behaviour.

A warning first then, if required, a formal request to leave. 4 weeks' notice in cordial circumstances can be cut if you return any advance rent.

MissStrawberry · 09/07/2013 10:15

Ah, York Minster Smile.

I was born in York and could see the Minster from my late Nana's house. Beautiful Minster inside.

Waves, we are all behind you and you do not have to put up this crap from the lodger. He is out of order and isn't even a decent person due to bullying a pregnant woman.

Thumbwitch · 09/07/2013 10:26

Remind him whose house it is. Remind him that he is there as a paying guest, in reality - and that your house rules are there to be followed, not railed against as though he were a teenaged son of the house. Him paying you rent does not give him "rights" to do as he pleases.

And yes, be firm, not conciliatory nor confrontational. Good luck! ThanksWine