DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

[wavesandsmiles]

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

waves, please teach yourself to be still, although I feel that your nesting is really kicking in now. I remember not being able to be still, having to get things done and a slight sense of panic when I couldnt be my usual superhuman self. The only person who cared was me. Dont stress yourself, just do little things.

Waves, just reading what you've been up to is exhausting! Hope the gig goes well tonight, and have a CALM weekend.

The gig was super...just a live music in a restaurant type thing, but the new songs I've been working on were really well received and I had applause after each one, which is pretty unusual for this type of gig. Absolutely shattered now, and off to bed. Hopefully to sleep, but who knows if acrobat/my uterus will permit that?! (One of the midwives who has been looking after me during my hospital stays/visits was in the restaurant, so I was reassured that if I suddenly went into labour I'd be in safe hands )

Tomorrow afternoon I intend to be prone on a a sun lounger ALL afternoon while the DCs splash about in the pool. No cleaning up, no cleaning out. I don't even have to worry about lunch - I was allowed a free meal as part of the gig this evening, so asked for a pizza in a box. I'm not up to eating properly myself, but figured it will do for lunches for DS and DD tomorrow. It was free, so can't complain Just need to sneak in a trip to the supermarket to get lunchbox type bits for next week at some stage.

Other than hoovering my bedroom, and possibly the lounge (although with a naughty chewy dog that is always a very thankless task as it looks awful within minutes of finishing) I really don't have much to actually do now. So maybe I can talk myself into actually resting on the basis that this will conserve calories if nothing else, thus giving Acrobat even more of a chance to grow a bit more.

I'm a bit scared about him actually being here. I forget how often newborns feed, but I know it is a lot, and that I am going to be very tired soon. I think maybe a final task may be to teach DS and DD how to prepare snacks (for them and me) without leaving the kitchen looking like something exploded in it. All my focus in the past was on the actual cooking, as opposed to the cleaning up after.

Right, killer braxton hicks, I am off to mooch round the garden in the hope they ease off, so i can get to bed.

So good when new material is well received (dh is a muso, so I experience it indirectly quite often. Not the same, but I used to busk on the underground during Prom season and it was such a good feeling when we'd worked hard on something and people actually stopped to listen, let alone gave us money after!).

Now, young Waves! Look here, you are NOT resting and really, by the looks of things, not really planning to! Can you do some mediatation when the kids are out? You won't be able to feel Acrobat if you can't clear your mind, sit still and relax; from the sounds of it your house is fine, your children are fine, there is enough food, somyou have to just STOP!

Chiding over.

You really are Superwoman, aren't you?!

Otoh you know your body and maybe the sicky feeling eases if you are moving around so maybe just ration activities. Hope the BH are lighter today!

Well I'm in bed and have been since 7.15. DD is next to me and DS is lying across the foot of the bed. Both sound asleep and I'm still awake. I only got 4 hours sleep last night and am so, so tired. I even had a quiet day (my cousin took them to play with her DCs so I had nothing to do) and still can't actually sleep.

I do realise that it is only 9.30 but I've been wanting to sleep ever since I woke up, and had a failed nap attempt this afternoon too

2 questions on my mind which are bothering me:

1. Who and what is Katie Hopkins? I see her referenced in other threads but cba to investigate further.

1. Why am I such a total idiot/loser for responding to twunt's letter, then even more STUPIDLY meeting up with him. And falling for his lines and getting my head all confused. AND furthermore within the space of 24 hours he went from the contrite ness and remorse and miss yous and love yous of the letter to a text saying that effectively I was a total bitch, have excluded him from the pregnancy and that he doesn't know why he wrote the letter as his head is all over the place.

I am going to bin all the "gifts" he left on the doorstep. I am actually furious that he included a brand new cath kiddiston baby bath towel. That must have been a bit expensive? And it might sound grabby but actually we could do with cash rather than a designer bath towel

I am so SO pissed off with myself. Not with him so much, he has been nothing other than true to form. I suppose I just hoped that the man-myth I thought I married was real after all. I wish some of you were nearer so I could be dealt a real life slap for being so stupid. I think I'm a bit scared of the future, and hoped my happy ending was back.....

It's our first wedding anniversary in 10 days

I'm a failure. Stupid stupid stupid me responding and them actually seeing him. He is a cunt. At least I can see that even more clearly now after he proved the letter to be meaningless and in fact probably designed to hurt and confuse me.

And on with more BH. Not sure i am enjoying this end of pregnancy business too much.

waves it's normal to have relapses. FFS you've been married less than a year. Give yourself a break here - you are dealing with a master manipulator who has done this before, will do it again and in so doing prove himself an utterly shit human being. You, a good decent human being, have no natural defences against him. So when he wins one, which is utterly shit, don't blame yourself. Go with your gut, chuck out his 'gifts' (did you know 'Gift' is the German word for Poison?) and tell yourself that this is day 1 on the Twunt detox once again. It will probably not be the last, unfortunately.

We are all here supporting you.

Waves, your not a failure, no one can blame you at all for hoping he was sorry, if i was ill, pregnant and caring for 2 other children, i'd think the same.

Just take it as a lesson that will strengthen your resolve to get rid of his arrogant arse.

Dont not ever let yourself think you did this, you gave and he took, he did this, and hes mad as hell that you wont take his shit, give yourself some credit, because theres alot due.

Waves - I wish I was closer, not to give you a slap, but to give you a massive hug. Im sorry he was true to form, but take this as another lesson learned. He will NEVER change, this was all designed to confuse and fuck with you.

Dont bin the gifts - ebay them and get yourself a bit of cash for acrobat.

He is an utter fuckwit and this is now day 1 of detox again.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight.

Jaxgood idea about Ebaying them, I should have thought of that. It embodies the rejection and gives you something that's yours to spend on Acrobat.

aw waves - I'm so sorry ((( )))

Don't blame yourself sweetheart. It's not you who is a CUNT. Perfectly understandable that you hoped it could work out. As you know, I did the same - went back.

You, however, are a lovely woman. Please don't do the beating yourself up thing - you really don't need that now darling xxx

I hope you're sleeping. Can you see your doc to see if there is anything you can take to help with sleeping?

thinking of you, sending you strength and hope.

waves lack of sleep is blurring reality - never kick yourself for being trusting and trying to see the good in someone who trampled on your heart and messes with your head. Is he smoking anything? He is so erratic and turns so nasty. Forget him. Acrobat is almost ready to meet you and your lovely DCs.

Katie H has been very vocal lately - "social commentator" ex tv reality show contestant and blonde Tory. 6? years' ago was a contestant on The Apprentice. Very bright very driven. Not averse to publicity, has a knack of getting under people's skin. I think she made the final but realised the demands of the role would interfere horribly with childcare ie her 2 DCs.

PS pointythings that bit about German "Gift" - well spotted.

I am going to try to eBay these things for sure.

I suppose I feel both hurt and disappointed in myself just now. Having received a lengthy letter in which twunt accepted responsibility, apologised, said about how wonderful I am etc and how great things were and that he hoped there was a way forwards, well, I guess I let me heart open itself to the possibility that he was "back".

I met him here. He was shocked at how small I am. My bump is small and neat but its the rest of me that is particularly small. I was even surprised as he have me a hug (first proper hug I've had in months and months) and his fingers just went into the ribs on my back . At least he kind of saw how poorly I have been. Anyway, we even got to talking about how to take things forward and him effectively living here part time for a few years until we all felt strong enough to reattempt the blended family.

And then, nothing. No texts to see how I am doing, nothing to suggest he loves or misses me. Just a text yesterday morning saying "is my bike rack at your house".

If he was genuine, he would have been texting me to wish me a good nights sleep, or even ask after me. And when I queried this he went off on his "head all over the place" and "you were a cock waves and were so nasty to me and my DCs" rant.

Anyway, I need to start the detox again. I'm annoyed with myself. This has all distracted from my planning for acrobats arrival. I am quite sure that the sleep deprivation is not helping at all.... Nor is the fact that I'm still not keeping enough food in. Well, I've given up on trying to eat meaningfully, it seems a big waste of money. Last night I managed a fortisip ice lolly (stuff is grim drunk neat but diluted and frozen is more bearable)

I did at least get off to sleep by around 11.30. Woke at around 5.30 so not the longest of sleeps, but hopefully enough for me to get through today. And deal with nagging lodgers about skanky chairs, washing being left on the line for days and left over food for 36 hours now on top of the cooker.

Thanks for not actually virtually slapping me last night.

You Don't deserve a slap twunt does! He really is a bastard for messing with your feelings he now knows exactly how vulnerable you are and how to hurt you as he's seen and heard first hand the problems you are having. Don't blame yourself.

Definitely eBay all the stuff that u Don't want. I wouldn't eBay anything you need, just consider it money saved.

Enjoy the sunshine

I have followed your threads and I am so sorry things are so stressful for you right now.

Can I suggest next time twunty twat tries to have any kind of contact you post on here instead? You know he is a shit and isn't who you thought he was so you don't need to keep giving him another chance. You are just hurting yourself in the process.

Ebay the stuff he bought to mess with your head. Spend it all on nappies - symbolism there and spend time every day thinking about your new life with your new baby, new home, new job, new country....

Oh honey! I think he was just trying to get you back on board so he could blame you for everything again. Sell the expensive gifts on eBay - you sure could use the money! Hope you're ok

Waves, im sure he NPD or BPD, its like he has 2 personalities and your never sure what one your gonna get.

Argh. Still thinking about him. All those words were lies again. I'm not being precious am I? If you love someone and want to reconcile, and the other person is pregnant/ill/just normal, then you send them a text to say hope you sleep well don't you? And one in the morning to see how they are? Beating myself up because he didn't.

Anyway, acrobat has a new timetable. I had said he could arrive between 10 and 19 July or mid afternoon 28 onwards. Just read the local paper and realised I'm performing at a festival next weekend. So now he's only allowed to arrive between 14 and 19 July.

Beating myself up because he didn't.

erm - am I the only one who can't see the logic in that statement? he didn't do something, you beat yourself up.

Glad you got a bit of sleep last night. Not great but not bad at all, eh xxx

Beating myself up because I'm bothered that he didn't? Beating myself up because I'm clearly not loveable enough for him to give a shit? I don't know. It's not a nice feeling anyway.

Off to play music over lunch today. Escape into waves the musician mode. I guess I'd better use the afternoon to find out what time I'm playing the festival next weekend and put a set together....

Waves, stop right there, one you are loveable, he just cant love end off, thats that microchip that his builder missed.

Hes a cunt, he doesnt deserve, you, your dc's, acrobat.

If he was reading this, i'd tell him now, "You fucked up dickhead, because your a useless pathetic man child, with all the grace, charm and love as pubic hair"

Oh waves. Don't be so hard on yourself. Manipulation, bullying and cruelty are what he does. He's well practised at it. As others have said, he's done it before and he'll do it again. You are not like that, so you won't have seen the signs. Why would a normal person be looking for signs that someone they like is an abnormal human?

Enjoy your music and put his cruel behaviour behind you.

Waves [hug]

You feel like you do because you are a loving, caring, full of good heart, thoughtful, lovely, kind, amazing person.

He acts as he does because he is a pathetic, bullying, twatty, weak individual who has to make himself feel good by making a loving, caring, full of good heart, thoughtful, lovely, kind, amazing person feel like shit.

DO NOT beat yourself up for hoping for the best and thinking he would be a decent person as you are.

Waves my lovely - give yourself the slap and move on. It was a back-step, but put it behind you and move forward. If anything you have done yourself a favour by proving that all his crap is just that: lies and another attempt to get under your skin and control you. Show him that he has lost.

Actually, while I can understand your longing to bin his gifts, don't. Ebay them, or if you can't ebay, sell them in some other way. That way you will get at least some of the cash that you could do with and even though it might feel "tainted", it's just money when all's said and done.

I hope that this has been the last example you needed to see what an utter cockrat he is - and that you have no need of him now. He is not and never was the smoke-and-mirrors bloke you thought you married - he was just a consummate liar and actor and now he doesn't need to show you his game face, he's not bothering.

I know it's hard, especially with the near-imminent arrival of Acrobat, and your wedding anniversary - but keep going with the step-by-step acceptance that his is an utter bastard and you'll get there. xx