DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

[wavesandsmiles]

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

is NOT all over the place

Bastard, bastard, bastard.

You don't need him, amd you most definitely don't want this sort of headfuckery going on for the rest of your life, Waves. Ignore. Maintain dignified silence.

Some time you will have to sort contact with him, at which point tell him via solicitor that there will be no other communication between you except for that purpose.

You have come so far, you really don't want to go right back to start of his nasty little game and have to deal with it all again.

And I really don't suppose you would pick the dcs up and use your redundancy to relocate, would you?

1 gesture out of what, 170 days? Pretty lame I'd say.

Oh bless you waves, what a massive head fuck.

You're a nice person and so your first instinct is to probably take his words at face value. However you should question:

Why he is contacting you now. It was only a few days ago that he sent you a nasty email. Something must've changed in the last few days. I don't mean that he's suddenly had a massive epiphany or anything. Remember this man is selfish. So I'm thinking either 1. He's bored / 2. The ow has dumped him / 3. He's been reading mnet and knows that you turned that magnificent corner recently. I don't know waves, I like to see the best in people but I've followed your threads from the start and this just doesn't ring true.

The other thing I'm questioning is why he's contacting you NOW. For god's sake you are in the final stars of pregnancy, battling hyperemesis and struggling with all the stress he's brought to your door. Why not wait till after acrobat's birth when things have calmed down to pour out his heart. I'm not saying he couldn't have contacted you to apologise, I mean an apology and a promise to stop being a dick would've been great and if you'd posted to say that I would've thought, good on him, he's finally shown us he has a heart. But you asked for no contact, he KNOWS however he's upset you and stressed you out but he STILL selfishly dumps all this crap on you NOW. Unbelievable.

waves, please PLEASE remember where you are now - compared to the heartache and illusion you were living with only a few short months ago.

He had OW on the go, he called you names, he told you that you werent ill - when you very clearly are. He tried to get you to abort acrobat, he allowed his boys to run riot when you were ill...

the list goes on. So what, that he dropped off a bag of stuff and 1 'nice' email. Its all a game to him.

Right, just gone back through the posts. It was just 7 days ago that he was denying you maintenance for acrobat, blames the breakdown of the marriage on YOU, accused you of fabricating everything about the relationship, he blamed you for the relationship you had with his boys, he told you that you needed to realise 'it isn't all about you' and then

What a shit. Like shining my first thought was that he'd been dumped by his current ow. But then I recalled that he'd referred to your threads in the past and you were fairly sure he was following your progress on here, which he probably still is (being a control freak) so he knows you have turned that final corner and realised YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM. He's also realised (probably from here too) that you made a perfectly reasonable offer that he rejected, and that he will in all likelihood end up paying MORE than he would have.

All in all, this is his agenda that we can only guess at. It is nothing about any feelings for you. The one thing that you asked - to be left alone - he has repeatedly trodden all over. Pack it away and stuff in a cupboard, return it to sender, or give it all to your health visitor to give to someone else.

Then get back to de-toxing and focus on these last few weeks until Acrobat appears. Love the idea of the face paints and your DCs

Sorry posted too soon...

An then he threatened you with a court battle in acrobat's early weeks to take him, a little breastfed newborn, away from his mum. He said vile, spiteful things to a heavily pregnant woman, the mother of HIS child. Even without all the things you're going through, this stage of pregnancy is a really tiring, stressful and emotional period. Why oh why can't he just leave you the hell alone?

Also, just 7 days to have a complete turnaround? I don't think so. Something fishy definitely going on.

At a guess, he's split with the new/other woman. That's why he's come slithering back.

Remember what a great actor he is. Remember how quickly he can revert to his own character. Remember the pain he caused you. He will do that again if you let him near.

This may be all to try to get a grip on acrobat, you know? Just to strengthen his case etc, etc. Please, please be very wary of him.

2 questions. What's happened to OW? How does he explain away buying lovely things for a baby he was googling terminations for less than 6 months ago? I know this is very harsh and stark waves but he has been so awful to you, your dc's and his unborn son. He doesn't deserve any of you.

He really doesn't deserve us does he

I'm unable to sleep despite being completely knackered. Been in bed since 9.15 and the flipping BH contractions won't stop, heartburn is annoying and I can't get comfy.

Trying not to think about him. None of it makes sense and I need to focus my mental energy preparing for birth and the actual physical presence of my little new born acrobat, rather than on wondering what is going on.

This is just horrid though. All I want is a bit of sleep. It's all rainy so I can't even go for a wander round the garden....

I need to get the adrenalin out of me. I'm sure that's why I feel twitchy and unsettled.

And buggery. I think I need a prize idiot award. It just dawned on me that my hospital doesn't use American bloody measurements or techniques for the scans. US is short for frigging ultra sound isn't it I am SO glad I never asked why they were using US instead of UK.

You are so right, he doesn't deserve you.
I hope you manage to get to sleep soon - insomnia is horrendous!

Hope you get some rest waves.

Waves, I don't know if you listen to chamber music, but even if you don't, can I suggest Brahms String Sextet No1 (G). I can't listen to it in the car as I get lost in it (I do in the other two, but that's a little bit more rugged and powerful).

I can't think how he thinks a few gifts will remotely compensate for the weeks of hell, the horrid things that he's said to you, and the fact that he's said that you will need to take him to court to get him to pay a fair amount for the upkeep of the child that, at one stage, you both wanted, but that he has deserted.

I hope that you managed to get some sleep.

Morning, waves. I hope you got some sleep last night. Can you check if you can take herbal stuff while pg? eg Kalms is excellent for taking the edge of things, and really helps with sleep. Take regularly, 3 times a day.

I had a thought this morning as I was waking up. I'm sure posters will howl in protest but this is what happened with me...

I left my abusive shit of a husband. It was quite a dramatic exit. I was in a very bad way, deep depression due to chronic domestic abuse (never hit), also a new baby. Husband eventually turned on the charm and, here's the thing: I was so beleaguered and ill, I needed the help. I needed someone around to share the burden of a very young family. Of course, I hoped we could make a go of it and start again. But if I'm honest, the main reason for letting him back in again was because I was exhausted, physically and mentally, and very poorly.

So we lived together again, in a glorious house rented by moneybags (I had moved cities and he joined me). Within a month, I knew it wasn't going to work, that he was the same as ever and would never change. But I stayed put and got myself well. It took a year and, when I was in much better shape physically and mentally, I left him again, this time permanently.

He complained that I used him as a babysitter (his own children!!) and there was some truth in that. I did very consciously 'use' him, knowing I would be leaving again when I was strong enough.

I'm not suggesting this as a strategy, just that this is what transpired in my case. I needed that year to get well.

I managed all of 3.5 hours sleep last night, but the sun has come out so may attempt a snooze in the garden at some stage. I will certainly see if I can take kalms. I can't really go on with these unsettled nights, particularly as I lack the mental energy to read anymore. It's very hard for me as I am a natural bookworm but I simply cannot concentrate.

I'll also check out the chamber music recommendation.

Bump cast just after one today, so I need to find lots of Vaseline! It's just being done with plaster of paris, alignate gives a beautifully clear impression but is very expensive.

Still very confused about the letter and gifts and feeling too tired to do much in the way of meaningful distraction. Music and snoozing might be in order...

everyone wants their happy ever after, and who wouldn't when they are about to gift birth with all the hormones, exhaustion and fear of the future (real or imagined). Just remember not so long this man told you he was no longer IN love with you. He could get into bed with another woman after leaving his pregnant wife - with kids to look after and bills to pay. Now the man has had a complete personality transplant? I too think he has realised he will be paying more. After all this trauma he has put you through how could you ever believe a word he says?

Someone told me about 'white noise' apps that you can get for your phone. Apparently they're pretty good for helping you sleep, although I'm sure a good part of your current insomnia is down to late stage pregnancy. No-one sleeps well at this stage. Lots of folk think that it's nature's way of preparing you for sleep deprivation once your baby arrives.

As far as the letter and gifts go, I reckon your easiest thing to do is - nothing.

Don't try to second guess, don't make contact to say thanks, don't allow it to cloud your thoughts if possible.

I'm guessing, Waves, that one (or possibly both) of two things has happened:

1. he's spoken to a solicitor and has decided that "mending bridges" will be a lot cheaper than taking you to court over access to Acrobat
2. he's had a falling out with the girlfriend or she's seen through him and he's decided to go back and try his hand on you again.

What I'm almost certain of is that he is not genuine. He's making pretty-but-empty gestures and trying to re-enthrall you. You need to kick him into touch completely at the moment - you need all your strength, physical and mental, to get to and through the birth and greet Acrobat in a relatively good state. Letting him mess with your head will jeopardise that - so ignore him.

AFTER Acrobat is born, then MAYBE you can talk to him about it all. But not until then, eh?

((((hugs)))) - have some chamomile tea or something that you like that's soothing and try to put all this out of your mind. You're doing so well - keep going, stay strong. Remember who matters in this situation - you, your children and Acrobat. That's all. xx

I slept better last night. I pushed the time for the DCs tea forwards to 5, and by 5.30 i was in my pyjamas, and we were all in my bed watching v old films. I think I must have dropped off by 9. Although I woke at 5, I feel sooo much better.

My bump cast is drying out in the kitchen and I now need to decide how to decorate it, and whether to have it as a piece of wall art, or a fruit bowl.

Still all over the place regarding the letter. He speaks about how things used to be, when he loved me. And how his biggest regret is his behaviour in reacting to the stress of new house, blended family issues, financial worries. I, according to the letter, am the only person who ever filled him with optimism for life, and love.

I think I need to write a letter in response, not to send, just to help organise my thoughts in reaction to it as they won't just disappear. Much as I want to ignore ignore ignore, I can't. So better to get my thoughts clarified on paper and then try to refocus on the upcoming birth and start of a new life. I reach full term in a week and 3 days which is rather scary, although my due date is just over 5 weeks away.

Oh, and he has said in the letter that he has been reading MN, although he says only my HG support thread. Says its been the only way to feel part of the pregnancy, and he is sorry for stalking me in this way.

I hate the feeling of confusion, and the disruption to my focus I have been trying to achieve.

Again it's all about him! How he feels how he felt pressure. Not about being sorry for what he did to you, it's all about control.

If you need to write a reply then do it. But please don't send it. And if he is reading your HE thread then he's reading this too

Twunt you are a pitiful excuse for a man!

He makes my stomach turn. He really is awful. As Jax says, it is all about him. And how dare he stalk you on the place where he knows you will be getting support - when he's the one who put you in this position especially.

I've not read your HG support thread, but I would have thought that he might have realised long ago just how very ill you have been, since he has read it. Yet, he has continued to be a complete shit to you even with that knowledge in front of him in black and white. I'm sure he could have worked out that he could have been a part of the pregnancy by just behaving like a normal and pleasant human being, but he chose not to do that and stalk you instead to get the information he craved about you.

So, stress of new house, financial worries and blended family caused him to turn into a manipulative and cruel abuser? To turn round and kick the person who allegedly filled him with optimism for life and love? I think he is missing something here - that this is his personality and he turns it on to whoever he pleases, whenever he please. Especially when the going gets a little bit tough for him.

Waves I'm sure in time you will get to a place where you will see straight through a letter like this. See it for the bullshit it is. You're not there yet, but hopefully soon.