DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

[wavesandsmiles]

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

I took DS to the rehearsal of Belshazzar's feast when he was 3 weeks old. He slept through the whole thing - including the 2 brass bands... He has always liked loud music and when I was pregnant he would be still when I was playing or singing or there was music playing, but if it dropped too low he would start kicking again as if to say 'Oi, have you gone to sleep, where's the music?'. He doesn't 'understand' about periods of music and I've made sure that he isn't constrained by his father's dislike of anything written after about 1920 (and that's pushing it too) and we've head banged on the way home from school to the Rite of Spring... quite an interesting feat given the uneven rhythms in some parts

Is there legal aid where you are?

Gosh, how cultured! We 'head-banged' to 'don't want no short man' in the car on the way to school worried ds's would work out what it was about

I'm sorry to bang on about ADs but they aren't tranqs; they don't, essentially, deaden life. It goes that chronic worry triggers the adrenals, keeping us in a constant state of fight or flight and - here's the important bit - switching off the 'feelgood' natural brain chemicals (serotonin etc). Feelgood brain chemicals are not necessary when you are fighting or flighting, get in the way of effective action. ADs get the feelgood mechanism firing again. That's how they work. Bloody marvellous when you think all our mothers had was being zonked out on tranqs.

I'm NOT forcing you to go the AD route, waves; just outlining what they actually do. However, there are natural ways to 'switch off' the adrenalin response eg relaxation techniques, relaxing, breathing well (deep, slow) etc. Even being aware that the adrenalin cycle is in full flight helps to recognise that there are ways to switch it off.

Glad you slept well, despite the early kick-start! xxxx

He likes putting Queen on in the car... And he can sing quite a few Buddy Holly songs all the way through from being in the car with my parents... so he's having an eclectic lot of music to grow up with

re paying for a lawyer. I forget whether shitface is employed? If you have a fair chance of getting a divorce settlement, law firms will represent you until you can pay them from the settlement further down the line. That said, I represented myself at some points, just made sure I checked with a barrister that I was on the right track. It had its definite pros and cons but it was immensely stressful, all-in.

I relax to Caldara's Crucifixus or Allegri's Miserere, (both preferably sung by The Sixteen). DD uses those two pieces a lot for meditation.

I think it was found recently that the Mozart Effect happens with all kinds of music, not just, or even especially, with Baroque or Classical period? I might be wrong though.

Just delurking to say how brave and brilliant you are, waves.... I have read your thread and think you have coped amazingly well. And what you wrote on your pebble- wow- 'I trust in me'.... I hope you're keeping that pebble close by, so you can hold it and remember the message when twunt & TB start their tricks.

Springy I'm good with the "proper" breathing thing - one of the benefits of having done formal singing training, and now teaching a bit of singing amongst other things. I recall singing parts of the Hallelujah chorus whilst in labour with DS. My DCs love an American steampunk band called Abney Park, so acrobat has been listening to lots of that, and they also love listening to some recordings I've made, so we do have lots of music going on. And of so many different genres too. And sometimes we have those random hours moments where you make life a musical, and we sing everything instead of speaking. Bet we sound proper strange

I'm quite inspired by some of your favourite pieces of music, and may well spend some time having a listen to music this afternoon.

Legal aid over here has been severely cut, but I do know my stuff legally, although there is that saying that a "lawyer who represents themself has a fool for a client". I just resent paying sooooo much to be advised on legal process (which I understand), form filling (which I can do), and possible outcomes (which I can research from case law). I also got badly burned in my previous divorce, well, in the post divorce period, with numerous court appearances re maintenance, non payment of maintenance, access issues, only for exH to bugger off the face of the earth, thus rendering every single court order worthless. It was a lot of emotional and financial investment for absolutely no gain long term. At least I know the process intimately, having been there before.

Thumbwitch what you say about it actually being easier with twunt gone and TB under control, is very true, and something I think I mentioned on my antenatal thread. It is definitely easier knowing I just have to get on and do things, and not have any disappointment. So many other people seem to be permanently stressed by their DHs/OHs not understanding, or being lazy, or going out all the time, for example. So I do feel a bit of a fraud when people say how great I am doing, and that they think I am superwoman. Because, in many ways, it is easier. Feeling permanently let down and disappointed is so draining, and without that negative drain on my energy, I feel more capable.

Of course it isn't easy, but I'm getting on with things as best I can on my relatively good days.

In terms of acrobat, he is still very active, although seems to be shuffling more than trampolining and cartwheeling these days. Braxton hicks contractions are increasingly strong and I am also getting what must be something like period pains from time to time. (Super lucky me never really got period pains or PMT at all, and I had the coil before we started ttc so I am kind of guessing that the achiness is what it may be like to have mild period pains).

I have 15 minutes til my family support worker arrives, so may quickly hunt for some new music to listen to.

DS also likes singing in the car and now knows most of 'Joseph'. Then we carry on with 'Return to the Forbidden Planet', 'Little Shop of Horrors', 'Five guys named Mo', The Ukulele Orchestra of GB (If you've not heard them there are plenty of examples on the web - they are fantastic from a musical point of view) Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.... He goes to sleep with the Radio on in his room - normally Classic FM, although DH and I retune to Radio 3 every now and then!

Find some jolly music then! I can be a complete blub on the floor with music that unexpectedly hits my heart at the core (sore heart at the moment ), Allegri's Miserere being one. eg drum and bass fills me with joy and hope, however: that beat! Acrobat would like it, I bet

it does seem that you've had to do everything yourself in your life, waves. I recognise that. When I was at school one of my teachers said I was like an orphan - though I had ma, pa and siblings at home. My home life was not good, I had learnt to do everything myself and not rely on anyone, a lone soul. That has its pros and cons! I specifically have to remind myself to use/rely on other people/services. It's hard particularly as I think I could do a much better job and it would be quicker . I have to force myself to employ people when I know full well I could do it myself - but there are only so many hours in the day, waves! We can't do everything! yy when you're short of cash, you have to do it yourself, though

Ideas for jolly, uplifting music on a postcard, please

hope you have had a nice day waves - music can be so uplifting, if you have the right piece for you. I dont know why, but I always listen to Katrina & the waves, Walking on SUnshine when Im fed up.

Lost you there for a while but caught up. Wow - you sound so positive.

I can't believe how close Acrobat's arrival is now

When I was pg with DS1 I had full pregnancy HG and a twunt who decided that the best reaction to me telling him I was pg was to break my arm. Then spent the rest of the pregnancy tormenting the young, vulnerable ill me (in and out of hospital) about taking my baby away for the day at 2 weeks in his work van with his new gf. It was the lowest time of my life, HG damn well nearly killed me and I could weep for the hurt, battered, scared girl I was then. Fast forward 10 years and I'm no longer that depressed scared girl. I'm a happier, more empathetic person who knows that if life hits me I'll get back up again. This too will pass waves. You WILL make it and be happy, well and able to eat again.

Gertrude, that is very inspiring. Glad you got through it and are well out the other side.

Getrude

Morning!

Gertrude, well done

Springy, when I was a child my dad passed onto us a copy of Purcell's Come Ye Sons of Art. It is an incredibly silly piece of music, and still makes me laugh. Another cheerful piece is Bach's Cantata No. 11 (one of the best pieces of music ever, imo!) - the trumpets!

Gertrude you too are a survivor

Good morning all
waves how did it go with your support worker yesterday?

Think Acrobat will live up to his name - or be an athlete .

Hello everyone. Gertrude, thank you very much for sharing your story. I hope I can feel similarly positive in years to come.

Yesterday was a bit meh really. Nothing is easy or straightforward, and it is all winding me up. But I did try to do a lot of music. Today I am trying to tidy up and go through papers and things. I just feel quite consumed by anger and I want it to go away. I keep trying to breathe it out, but I am so, SO upset by twunt's attitude. He hasn't been in touch since the other week, but just knowing that he is such a cock is really upsetting I am dreading acrobat's arrival in some ways, because it will herald the start of him being able to bully and harrass me again, and given the content of various emails, that is precisely what he will do.

Feel physically very sick today, but have only actually vomited once. I do think the nausea is just a bad, and should probably be in bed but I have so much stuff to do.

Anyway, this is one of my favourite pieces of music, I listen to it when I am feeling sad and it makes me happy, even if I do still cry.

Being me, I had to research the origins of it, and it is based on a piece called Gassenhauer by the fabulous Carl Orff, and in itself, that goes back to a Renaissance recorder piece, which in turn could potentially be based on a medieval song! (That was a day of my life wasted )

I'm sure he will bully and harass you once acrobat arrives. I'm not sure how you intend to feed, but if it's bf then you will be aware that he cannot take the baby for any extended period.

You will feel stronger after the birth too. Maybe not for a week or two, but soon. I don't think there is any law that says you have to tell him the same day, especially in view of his harassment threats.

Oh, just because it is so super beautiful, here is the renaissance recorder piece that the Orff and in turn Zimmer pieces are probably based on:

I miss playing recorder....I played in a baroque/renaissance quintet at school and used to be pretty good. Maybe I will see if mum still has my (very beautiful German-made) set and I will try to get back into practise

Had to pause Bach's Christmas Oratorio to listen to that - both JOYOUS pieces . I'd love to hear it played with recorders, too. Recorder player myself, love the twang when lots of recorders playing

I remember with absolute clarity when I first heard Bach's CO. I was in a squalid flat in Harlesden on a freezing day, the air was 'white' (iyswim). I was struck down with joy.

Darling, you can't take on this excresant shit (tautology) on your own. P-l-e-a-s-e get a lawyer onto this. Please get every agency you can onto this. You have so much on your plate, it's inhuman. Let somebody else protect you, use the law to protect you (that's what it's there for). HIde behind somebody/thing else.

I could cry for you. I hope that isn't too sloppy.

Agatha - I bf both DS and DD for over a year, and fully intend to again (health benefits for acrobat and me, convenient, free - it's a no-brainer from my perspective, and this time I intend to follow the WHO guidelines of feeding to 2 years of age), so I KNOW that he won't be allowed the baby for long periods, and I KNOW I was very reasonable, but it is the stress and worry that is nagging away. And I think it is pretty wicked of him to put me through the stress and worry now, and to threaten to do so immediately after giving birth too.

It makes me sad and cross that what should be feelings of excitement and joy are so tempered by the stress caused by twunt.

x-post. Thank you!

Springy - see the link above to the recorder version - and how fab that you play recorder too

I think I am resigned to the fact that I need to get a lawyer on the case. That will be on my post-baby checklist I guess

Easy to say, but try to put the worry about twunt away in a box to deal with later.

Your feelings of anger are entirely understandable - you are probably grieving for the man you thought he was.