DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

[wavesandsmiles]

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

I'm going to say it again ?he's a bastard! He's possibly been told to be nice in writing as they can be used against him in court. Or he's reading this ?

Don't even think that anyone would take your tiny baby away from you to give to any man never mind an asshole like him, it won't happen. I totally agree with not responding or reading anything else from him, it won't be important until after acrobat arrives so can wait. DO NO MEET HIM. He likes to see you suffer you don't needtthat.

Look after yourself can you call woman's aid or your doula for support.

I haven't read the last two pages but have to go out so jumping in with -

£300pm?? I had £700pm 20 years ago, and that was crap money in relation to his earnings. You aimed (far) too low my darling.

Read Beryl's post over and over about her dad. These types are clones, they're all the same ime.

I found ex's emails/sol letters very difficult to read. Do put them in a different folder and/or get a friend to read them with you, or first. They contain explosive material, even the most mundane comms can come across in an explosive way. Emotions are running very high...

Look after yourself my darling. He is a cunt. You know that, we know that. Knowing it doesn't stop it hurting, but it helps (((hugs)))

As for pompous statements : my narc ex used the phrase 'I won't brook this deceit' , amongst others. You have to laugh...

Silly sod. I think he thought he was a character in his beloved PG Wodehouse novels.

Hi Waves, I'm so sorry, I lost your thread!

Now, listen very carefully. The TWUNT is a LIAR - therefore the only thing for you to remember when dealing with him is that HE LIES.
He's also a soulless vindictive bastard with zero empathy - and probably used to pull the wings off flies when he was young.
That's what he's trying to do to you now - he's pulling your wings off because he can see you trying to fly.

Please ignore EVERYTHING the stupid twat says. He will NOT get joint custody. His LIES about you are just that - LIES. The situation is crystal clear - he just wants to pay nothing, and cause you as much trouble as he can because he's a bastard.

Accept that you will get nothing from him voluntarily. Accept that he might take you to court, but then again he might not bother his arse over it.

DON'T borrow trouble ahead of time. Wait until he makes his move to be anxious over it - for now, just ignore and forget. No more contact with the idiot because he plays evil twisted mind games with you in the hopes that you will just fall back under his thrall. HE IS EVIL

On which point - why would you want your precious baby to have any contact with him at all? I wouldn't. Sometimes I think children are better off without their evil twisted parent in their life. But that's something you can think about AFTER he's born.

For now, rest. Enjoy your music, any other distractions - take people up on their offers to help/listen, they're doing it because they want to and because you are worth it to them. They would only do this for you if they thought you needed it (and you do).

((((hugs)))) and keep going - we're still all here for you xx

And regarding maintenance - it will be 25% of his income divided by 3 - 2/3 will go to his DS's mum & 1/3 to you (the rules are changing soon to gross income but the amount will end up being similar). If you know his monthly income that is how much to claim by law. End of discussion. You won't get spousal maintenance because it was such a short marriage but you'll surely get all the equity seeing as you put it all in.

midwife What is 25% of £50k x 1/3 in net terms?

I reckon £80 pw. New rules reduce % but make it gross so he can't start an expensive personal pension or a tax fiddle to avoid it. It should work out similar.

So £300 a month was a very reasonable proposition.

Yes £350 will be more like it!!

Thank you everyone. I don't know quite how I would have coped today without the support of all of you. It's been a difficult day, but I have made it to the end in one piece.

I had my scan, and my DCs were thrilled to be there. Their faces were a real picture as the consultant showed them their baby brother's toes, ribs etc (even the boy parts much to their amusement!). Acrobat has grown, and it clinging onto the 9th centile line so I am very delighted with him - a real survivor just like his mum I guess! No weight gain for me, but as long as acrobat grows for the next few weeks I am not bothered anymore. Acrobat remains beautifully head down (ROA if that makes sense to anyone?) so all looks positive from that side of things. My blood pressure is "magic" too, at 90/50 (which is pretty high for me). Playing the Pollyanna game - I have a lot to be very glad about - no PE, no pelvic pain, no cramps, no back ache, no waddling, no heartburn. Just daily vomiting, which on some days is only 3 or 4 times (yay!), and a twunt of an ex.

My family support worker called me, and was very helpful too. As she says, my ideas re access were entirely reasonable, and if twunt decides to take me to court, then there is no way he will get what he seems to be after. Similarly, he will most likely end up worse off in terms of maintenance having refused my offer (thanks for the calculations above!). I tried my best, and he has chosen to respond in an aggressive manner. I managed to fix my printer and will print off all the emails etc as suggested, so I have an easy record to refer to if it comes to that.

Quiet weekend ahead, I am emotionally and physically exhausted after today (and still have a lingering smell of sick after the car episode. No idea why it smells worse than when I make it to the toilet or use a sick bag ) So, hoping the DCs are up for crafty making things in the house.

I can't believe how much twunt's email has taken out of me actually. I feel completely drained of everything, and will be going to bed very soon. I'm guessing I may need the support from even more after acrobat arrives....

Waves, you are extraordinary! I really don't know how you do it.

Lost your threads somehow, so glad I've found you. Will now read this thread.

Hope you get decent sleep tonight. xx

ROA means that the back of his head, and so his back, is lying to your front and on the right side.

Glad your hospital visit was good. Lovely for your DC to see their new brother like that.

Hoping for a calm and peaceful weekend for you all.

oh I'm so sorry I jumped in with my post, having missed the extra horrible emails xxxx

So relieved you had some fabulous support here through this horrible day.

He is so so vile waves. I am lost for words at how vile he is. (even I feel sick at him, and I'm not pregnant!)

Sleep well darling. Wishing you especial peace and serenity this weekend and right through to the birth. YOu have to keep away from him. Trust the people around you to protect you

(there is more sunshine on you than you realise. It may feel like you're surrounded by shit but you're not)

Hi Waves,

Ive read all of your threads,although I dont post very often im cheering you on from the sidelines.

You are doing so well, your children are lucky to have such an amazing mum and so will acrobat.

As for Twunt - he is a bastard, dont waste this time on him, he wont get what he wants. Take care and just try to relax for the next few weeks.

Hi Waves - if your car is still smelling, make a paste of bicarbonate of soda and paste it all over the areas that got "hit". Wait for it to dry and then vacuum it out again - it should take the smell out nicely.
I had leaked raw fish juice on my passenger seat (cloth) - thanks DH! - and it took the smell out completely. :)

Your last post is sounding SOOO much better, I'm so proud of how far you've come! And so glad your RL support is improving too.

Thank you for the tip regarding the smell thumbwitch. I'll see how smelly it is today, and try that if necessary.

I feel a bit of a fraud...yesterday morning I was in pieces, and am posting all these "woe is me" messages, and by the evening, when I have read advice, and rationalised things, and got myself to the end of the day, and it felt far less overwhelming. I have set up the separate message folder in my email inbox so that is another practical step.

Today is a grim, drizzly, foggy day so works perfectly for my plan of a quiet day in. Which I will need given I lay in bed for hours and hours until I finally got to sleep last night, despite being super tired. Must have been 1am the last time I looked at the clock, and DS mooched in at 6.20am for a chat.

I am going back on my detox regime, it is no good for me or for acrobat or for my DCs for me to be having contact with twunt. I at least know that I tried to be reasonable, but some people cannot be reasoned with. My family support worker is coming round on Wednesday which is good. She will talk through things with me, we can make plans re potential court applications, then get those filed away, not to be worried about until acrobat arrives.

I saw TB yesterday, and remain glad that I opened up communication with her as she has developed some health problems. However, I told her off when she overstepped the mark in a comment to my DD, and she didn't argue or challenge me (or throw me and the DCs out of her house as she would have done in the past) so that is progress. And maybe she can learn at least a little in terms of what is acceptable? Still very much baby steps there, but I'd rather she was in our lives than not.

I've also started to really enjoy the BH contractions (weird!) They remind me that my body is getting ready to give birth, and I really hope that my plans for an active, very natural process come together. Just wondering mostly when he will actually make an appearance....As long as it is no more than 2 days before his due date I won't have any appointments to rearrange (dog grooming, dentists etc) but DS was a week early, and DD a fortnight, so who knows?

I am going to cocoon myself back in my safe little pregnant nest as far as I can for the next few weeks. I accept that life IS going to be harder if twunt kicks off after the birth, and that will be a new challenge, what with the new baby hormones, feeding, and the whole totally dependent new life in the world things also going on, but it is not something I can do anything about. There's a saying about accepting the things you cannot change, having courage to change the things you can etc. Well, I can't CHANGE other people, but I can change how I deal with them and react to their behaviours. It will be hard work, but I need to work, as I have made a start with TB, on changing my dealings and reactions.

Oh it's lovely to hear you sound so positive. You are quite right, you can't change him.

So glad to hear you sound better than yesterday, you are such a strong lady!
Here's something for you, I say it to myself a few times a day when I'm having a difficult time... Hope it gives you a little encouragement when you need it most.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Have a nice day xx

Hi waves
I hope you don't mind me making an observation. Reading your threads it's been clear to me that you had a lovely relationship with your dad and I wonder, because of that, whether you place a lot of importance on having a dad around for your dc. Hope you don't mind me saying t, I've thought it a few times after things you've said and wasn't sure whether to say anything.

But I wanted to mention it because, though it's perfectly understandable to want for your dc what you had with your dad, plenty of women bring up children alone and the children are very happy. Children need love and respect. They need fun and happy memories. They need to feel safe and secure. They need routine and consistency. And though it would've been lovely if your dc had a dad or dad figure, it isn't the end of the world. YOU are brilliant and are providing all they need and more on your own. Having a mum an dad doesn't guarantee children a happy life. YOUR children will have a hapy life because you are providing everything they need to live that life.

Sorry if ie rambled, hope that all makes sense.

Waves, that's the spirit!

Agree totally with shining . It really is better for some children to not have some 'dads' around. This isn't spite btw.

BBM thank you for that prayer. I knew the serenity prayer but not the other one. That'll be going on my fridge!

Life is fucking hard sometimes. There's something to be said for letting go and letting it flow. It helps if you have a faith, a 'something' to give it to? Sometimes things can get so intense that in the end you just let go because you have no choice.

Sorry to hear you had problems getting off to sleep last night. I'm sure I'm not the only one praying for you to have PEACE . You're already getting at least some 'peace' with the TB - you have set boundaries and she is responding. Please don't let her know you'd rather have her in your lives than not - not to be manipulative, just that she has to be kept on a tight rein imo.

I do recognise that intense 'squall' that can blow up, then over, quite quickly. You're not a fraud, you're learning skills to adjust. NOt too long ago and that would have had you floored for some time, so please take comfort and encouragement that you are learning the skills to survive this shit.

xxxx

Waves - that's not "fraudulent", that's you being so much farther down the road to recovery that your "steps backwards" last so much less time and you can take big strides forwards again quickly!

Hurrah!

Im with thumb and the others.

Not fraudulent in the slightest! Things change quickly. If you were to go back to your first thread and re read everything that has gone on, you are so much stronger and YOU are in a better place.

You are managing TB and Twunt and changing your reaction to their actions.

So tired now I actually ache. Just getting through today has exhausted me. I took the DCs swimming, then had to go up to hospital, and then all I've done is some colouring in with DD, a couple of loads of washing, a bit of tidying, and cooking lunch and tea. Although my DCs are keen to learn how to cook properly so they helped get the meals ready. How has this been so tiring? I even had to take half an hour for a quick nap!

DS is off to bed soon, and I am going to go to bed then as well I think. I really, REALLY want a good night's sleep. I think worrying about everything is tiring me out, as is being sick, and pregnant. And trying to manage everything round the house by myself.

'I took the DCs swimming, then had to go up to hospital, and then all I've done is some colouring in with DD, a couple of loads of washing, a bit of tidying, and cooking lunch and tea.'

That's a pretty packed day! Learn how to take it easy. Have a good night's sleep.

BBMs, I prefer the alternate ending of
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those who've pusses me off