DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

[wavesandsmiles]

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

Well done, preparing all those meals, waves!

Love the image of washing tiny baby things, like dolly clothes. .

34 weeks!! How amazing that time has flown so far and it now won't be that long before acrobat can be living up to his name in your arms . And of course you should stop feeling sick!!!

Tennants that strimmed the garden sound lovely. And well done on all the meals too!

(Sorry was away for half term and RL caught up etc)

My freezer had to work very hard last night. It even did a warning bleep... But all back to normal this morning thankfully. My DCs are sorted with shepherds pie, fish pie, chicken stew, vegetable chilli and some fruit crumbles for the next 2 or 3 months I think. Thank goodness for supermarkets doing mark downs on dated food

I've mowed my lawn, and am popping to the charity shop with bits and bobs in a declutter effort then other than washing through baby clothes (it is a little scary that they are so teeny tiny) I am doing nothing other than rest today as I'm shattered already. Only been sick 3 times today though which is a "good" morning for me

I wonder if twunt will reply to the email today? Trying not to worry about it, but I feel myself physically tense up and become very anxious when I think about him/the situation. It is not nice. It all gets a bit much and I start to feel overwhelmed again.

twat twat twat twat twat.

I got a reply. I had suggested £300 a month maintenance (he earns over £50K so not unfair to him) and he has said that is FAR too much. So looks like I will be going to court in the early weeks of acrobat's life to get a reasonable sum of maintenance off him. Nice than he can afford to wine and dine his new woman, live in a 3 bedroom flat, and I have just cooked all our meals from scratch on going out of date food, and share my kitchen, bathroom and pretty much all my house so that WE can live.

And i asked him on his thoughts re access. He said he assumed I would want as little as possible, but he would like us to negotiate it between ourselves, so HE doesn't have to take ME to court for visitation rights. Bastard. So, now it looks like I am going to be taking HIM to court for maintenance, and he will be taking ME to court. Utter utter twat. He is a vile as the vilest vile thing in the world and I utterly despise him.

He is a cock of the highest order and I wish I could afford a decent lawyer but it is totally pointless as I cannot justify the waste of money, when I know the law, and what is reasonable (and fgs I am like 85% fully legally qualified so resent paying £400+ an hour to be told things I already know)

I actually just want to curl up and cry now. I need a magic wand and for this all to go away.

Waves - can you seriously think about relocation? I know that this would be a huge turmoil just at the moment - but other things seem to be just right about it - you could look for a job in your new location?

What a shit he is, waves. I have nothing useful to say to you but just, he is a shit.

On a more positive note, you are indeed a wonder woman with your cooking etc.

It's all too much. Vitriolic email from him , accusing me of fabricating everything about our relationship, blaming the whole breakdown of our marriage on me not getting on with his boys, and of slandering him. I'm still really ill, heavily pregnant, have just been made redundant and frankly, the fact that he can continue on like this is appalling.

He is going to take me to court regarding visitation. He won't pay anything reasonable maintenance wise so I'm not going to bother pursuing it. I just want a safe nest to bring my little acrobat home to, and he can't allow me that. He says "I have to realise that it is not all about me".

What do I do now

I understand it must be hard, but try not to dwell on his opinions and toxic thoughts. It's what he is - toxic. He isn't going to suddenly change.

He has to invent blame and reasons for everything so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for it himself.

Is there a CSA equivalent where you live? If so, let them deal with the maintenance aspect if you really feel there is no point pursuing it with him.

I would really give some thought to relocating when acrobat is here. You and your lovely family would be so much better off away from his venomous actions.

Finally, you don't have to do anything. Just delete his email and carry on as you were doing before you received it. Don't let that twat of a man ruin any more of your days.

((Waves))
Deep breath... Let it pass through you, try to let the feelings be there and they'll go all the quicker.

Is this email via a solicitor or something similar? Because it sounds like a lot aggressive mouthing off, not much more? Hurtful and horrible though it is :(

Waves,
Is there any way you can set your e-mail so that ones from him go straight into a different folder? Could you have a friend read them on your behalf and give you the potted version so you don't need to read his bile?

Are you going to respond to him or ignore it?

There was a series today, I've replied and have now said no more, take me to court about the visitation as he called it. I'm trying not to remain upset and thankfully have an appointment with my psychotherapist (the one who wanted to discharge me because I'm not clinically ill at all from a MH perspective) in an hour.

I need to convince myself that of course he wont avknowledge what he's done. But he said my behaviour was utterly deplorable. It is confusing. And upsetting.

If he emails again I'll set up a folder as suggested. My head cannot deal with this at all. At least I can get on with budgetting now, knowing that I can rely on bugger all from him!

Yes do make the email folder and just open it when you feel able to -- I used that for emails on a topic I found upsetting but needed to read & it worked a treat.

I think if you can manage without his money, at least that is one less thing for him to moan and gripe about.

You are a very brave and strong person.

oh waves - he is a twunt and trying to reason with him will bring you no joy. You have to fight fire with fire, so to speak and it just isnt worth the hassle and energy at the moment.

Do think about relocating, think of reasons why and why not.

I wouldnt respond to any further ranting emails from him. Just ignore ignore and ignore. His 'tone' is designed to put you on the back foot - to make you question yourself and doubt whether it is all his fault. It is ALL his fault. He's an arse.

Disengage!

Waves, it's strange, but the language your twunt uses reminds me of my Dad, who I believe is a complete narc. Things like 'utterly deplorable'. WTAF?

I haven't seen my Dad for almost 6 years - he 'wanted a break from his family' - yet he opines how unreasonable I am in not contacting him. Apparently I was supposed to psychically know when the 'break' was over and extend an olive branch to him even though I have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Anyhow, I was discussing him with my sister yesterday, and I observed that he has a completely different script going on in his head from the reality that everyone else experiences. A script in which he is simultaneously the hero and the victim. He doesn't seem capable of empathising with anyone, or having an emotional connection with them, unless they are massaging his ego. Strangely, my Dad is also super charming and bon vivant when out and about. Just reminded me of your taunt a bit.

Don't let him get you down. Recognise that he has faulty wiring, and that you will never get anywhere with him. It's not your fault.

waves what you need to do is relocate away from the area, do you have strong ties? when your baby arrives your maternal instincts will kick into full swing and you wont want this idiot around your child. do all you can to put a HUGE distance between you so you can be happy and LIVE as you want

It is hot air and wind and remind me who was in touch with their ex befor and during your marriage and subsequently? Oh that's right, HIM. Deplorable sneaking a look at terminations because you fell pregnant faster than he expected and before he could start backing away. The stepsons were encouraged to act up. What about him making an effort with your DCs?

How could he ask so much when he gave so little?

Take him to court for maintenance & apply for costs. He can't wheedle out of that one no matter what!
I'm so sorry he's treating you like this!!!!

He's still a bastard! I've said it before and no doubt I'll say it again! He a sick twisted bastard.

Take no notice of him, you could almost have written his reply before it came ?"its not my fault, its all waves, I'm so reasonable, she's awful ?etcetera! "

You and we know the truth as does his ex wife and soon so will his current woman.

Let him fight for visitation, just get in there first through whatever means you have there, CSA court or whatever for a bloody huge chunk of money from his 50k for acrobat as well as ensuring your divorce settlement takes into account the equity you put into the current property.

Be strong lovely lady only a few more weeks to go. [Flowers]

Remember Waves, the shittier the manure, the more beautiful the flower!!

When Acrobat arrives, I would like to send you some of my DTs baby clothes (DTD's too if you don't mind gender neutral? I didn't want 'pink and blue' So LOTS of yellow etc) They were small babes and we were inundated with lots of cute stuff, a lot of it hasn't been worn.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say about your twunt of an ex. I'm confused as to whether he wants contact or not? Is he saying he'll take you to court for contact BUT he doesn't want to pay?

Even if he does take you to court on those grounds, surely maintenance can be brought up there?

I had such a crap nights sleep, super worried about twunt and that one particularly shitty email. If a flower is completely covered in manure it won't grow at all, they need at least a little sunshine

He doesn't want to pay maintenance as he can't afford it, despite weirdly the fact that we budgeted to go halves on my unpaid 8 weeks ML, and halves on the childcare when I return to work (about £1000 a month minimum). His rent on his new place is the same as he was paying on half the mortgage so it doesn't add up. And he won't apply to reduce the maintenance to his ex, despite the fact he is entitled to, so she gets £600 a month from him, doesn't work so has no childcare costs, has a free house, free doctors etc, and he has his boys every weekend and twice midweek. It is so unfair I have cried over it.

Contact wise, I have no idea what he wants, other than my proposal is completely unreasonable (according to him). I have researched what is normal and reasonable in the circumstances but he's having none of it. He has no respect for the fact that post partum I will need space and lack of stress to establish a bond with acrobat and, more importantly, to get feeding established. He really doesn't give a shit.

I wish I had never met him.

Oh, and thanks for the clothes offer SATQ. Anything would be very gratefully received. I'm now so worried about how we will manage

He truly embodies the word TWUNT doesn't he? I really don't get why he wants to give his ex so much more than you, unless it's because you're the 'new' reason for him to be a twunt, so he wants to punish you by proxy etc? I hope when Acrobat arrives he simmers down a little or at least wants to get you on side when he realises he cannot bully you into having Acrobat all day/overnight/WTAF he's thinking as a newborn through the courts.

I can send at least a dozen unworn onesies/summer outfits, and around 8 bibs I counted out.; and God knows how much stuff that's been worn (nothing grotty, promise.)

So on the 'brighter' note of a shitty nights sleep, did Acrobat do any flips?

Acrobat is being very acrobatic right now. On another note, twunt is being awful. Just had an email from him saying

I am sorry you are insisting on being so unreasonable. I guess I will see you in court where I will be applying for joint custody.

I'm in floods of tears and am meant to be seeing the DCs to school. Please someone help me, make it all go away. My worst fears are crystallising . He's going to take my baby. Help....

Keep on keeping on waves it is dispiriting when people exceed even their lowest levels of twuntishness but life has a way of balancing things out.

If there are archaic and sexist rules where you live, perhaps there'll be some kind of breach of contract or something regarding abandoning a pregnant wife that work in your favour??