I can't be fucked to name change. Follow on from DPs ex has cancer. Just found a suitcase in his room.

[SirBoobAlot]

I've been drinking. Don't care.

Was round at his housemates, needed some hand cream, knew he had some E45 in his room, went to get some. Found a purple suitcase on his bed. Dress on top of it. Full of various 'girly' outfits inside. He told me he was out with someone work related last night.

The bastard has lied to me before, and now he is totally fucking me over.

We were supposed to be going out tomorrow night. He told me today that he couldn't, as he had 'football' plans.

I need to tell him to get fucked, but I feel broken.

I', 21, disabled, with a three year old son. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I feel like a complete dick. He said he loved me. I believed him.

Please, either tell me to think rationally and that I'm over reacting, or that I'm being taken for a ride. Because I can't handle this any more.

[awkwardsis]

OK so he's been good while you were in therapy and you have great conversations. He also makes you doubt yourself, treats you appallingly and thinks its ok to ignore you. Not to mention that he's probably been cheating on you. Do nit think that because he perhaps treats you better an your last wanker of a partner it makes him any less of a wanker himself. I get it boob, I've been there. I'm still reeling over being left by dd's dad and it was a year ago. It hurt me and I still wonder what was wrong with me that made him leave. It takes a lot to realise that it wasn't me, it was him, and that I've been conditioned to always blame myself. The only thing I'm guilty of is putting the blame for others terrible behaviour on myself. You're doing the exact same thing. Someone who had any respect for you would not be doing this, and anyone with any self respect wouldn't put up with it either. You need to work in believing yourself worthy of being treated well. I think you probably radiate that and it attracts people who are then unsurprisingly going to treat you badly. These people feed off people with low self confidence.

[SirBoobAlot]

You're all right.

He is shagging her, isn't he? He's going to offer me up some bullshit answer, but it's all going to be lies.

[coffeewineandchocolate]

but you are going to tell him where to stick it, have a cry in private and then continue the hard work YOU have done to sortyourself emotionally. Then you will think back with relief you got rid of the tosser as you look at your happy and amazing life YOU have made with your DC

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Even if he isn't shagging her, how much does he respect you to share a bed with another woman? How many women would be agreeable to sharing a bed with a man unless they were up for that level of intimacy? So even if they aren't shagging then they might as well be, because she wants to and he likes that. IMO. Because there is no way I would share a bed with a man unless I fancied him maybe not even then and his boundaries are way off if he thinks that's ok.

[lottieandmia]

You should certainly confront him. It must have been really horrible for you to find that OP

[SirBoobAlot]

No respect for me. And he knew I wouldn't like it or he would have told me in the first place... So he lied by omission.

Just had to text him something work related. Kept it short and to the point, didn't mention anything else.

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be a lying cheating scumbag. I read the cancer thread and alarm bells rang with me straight away, this new discovery is just the icing on the cake

There are good men out there, your turn for a good 'un will come. I am severely disabled too, my DH does all of those things you listed and lots more, he is my full time carer and does all child related stuff and housework (and we have six dc). He treats me so well, like I'm the most important precious thing on the planet. He doesn't lie and he doesnt cheat and he doesn't make me cry. You don't have to accept the bad to get the good, you can have it all or mostly good- but that doesn't happen if you stay with the wrong person

You deserve better, you really do

[SirBoobAlot]

That's what I thought too, Lunatic. Why hide it if it was innocent? "Hey Sirboob, you know I said Y was coming down from to stay? Well X is now coming with him, she's going to stay here. Just giving you the heads up".

But no, what he actually did was, when I asked if he wanted to come over for dinner on Friday night was tell me that Y was down for work. No mention of her at all.

I feel like calling her all the names under the sun, and it's not fair, because it's his fault, not hers.

I'm also furiously angry over the fact that he has the canvas my son did him for his birthday up in his bedroom. For some reason that fact that he was fucking someone else with part of my son 'being' there has really upset me. Know that's ridiculous.

Keep wondering if the fact the video camera box was on a shelf nearby the bed was purely because that's where the shelves are, or for some other reason :(

[LIZS]

Be prepared that when you discuss it he will turn it around on you - he feared you'd overreact like this which is why he didn't say , nothing happened so why won't you believe it , don't you trust me etc etc. He is playing on your insecurities and in turn your illness , that isn't a healthy balanced relationship.

[Ashoething]

Why is a 40 odd year old man living in a shared house? That to me screams loser. He is NOT your therapy-he will not help you recover,he will bring you down. Honestly at 21 you have it all before you to have a wonderful life. Don't tie yourself to a twat just because he spins you lines.

[Ashoething]

Camera? Do you think he made a sex tape with her boob-is this something he has asked you to partake it?

[SirBoobAlot]

He's not a loser, he's had a rough few years. I will stand up for him on that point.

I don't know if he did. It was just a bit odd. His shelf is usually pretty cluttered, but it was clear, apart from the video camera box. I didn't check it. He did have to use it for something work related last week, so I may just be blowing things out of proportion, but it was one of the first things I noticed after the suitcase.

[kittybiscuits]

SirBoobAlot (and I think you're amazing, btw. I had no idea the ex/cancer thread was yours) about this bloke: it sounds like he's nowhere near as much of a shit as the last one you had. However, and even if by some miracle he has not done something sexually inappropriate with this woman, this knobber has repeatedly put you in a situation where his actions have caused you worry and unhappiness. You have been extremely patient and understanding towards him. Very much so. If he was a good and caring partner he would not put you in this position. He would be transparent about his actions, and considerate of your position and how you will feel. He may be good with cups of tea after therapy (I have a view on this, having experienced it myself - the kind words before and after therapy designed to ensure you doubt yourself and feel bad saying anything critical to the therapist about him?), but he has repeatedly acted with disregard for your feelings, and been careless of you and your relationship. I think you know this is the dealbreaker. You don't trust him, and he has caused this, irrespective of whether he shagged her or not. You deserve so much better, and if you look, you will find it. If you believe you are unloveable, the end of a relationship is hard, whether you are young or old. When you know you deserve to be loved, you will find something much better. Lots of us struggle with this, young or old. I think you have a most sensible head on your shoulders and I trust you to find your way through this and deal with the situation when you are ready x

[Ashoething]

Have you made a sex tape with him boob-was that what you meant by being sexually adventurous? What does rough few years mean? how did he end up at the age of 40 odd in a shared house? because it is really very odd indeed.

[SirBoobAlot]

No we haven't made a sex tape. It just stuck me as odd it being on the shelf by itself. Like I say, it is probably totally irrelevant, and I am trying to focus on one thing to be upset about in particular than the whole scenario.

He's just had an incredibly rough time the last few years. I'm not going to say more than that as I'm already identifiable enough, and don't want to blurt out his private details in case anyone works of who he is, as that isn't fair on him.

[openerofjars]

I'm a bit lurky so I don't think we've been on the same thread ever, but I always think your compassion for others shows through on the threads and I admire you, SirBoob. Show yourself the same kindness that you show others.

All that good stuff he did for you: that's the bottom line. It's what supportive partners do for each other. You should expect to be treated decently and well. It doesn't mean that he then gets to be unfaithful to you and lie about it. Its not like he can build up enough good bloke credit to have earned the right to do something shitty.

And minimising your feelings about it would be very wanky indeed.

[SirBoobAlot]

Thank you again for all the kindness you've all shown here, and via PM.

Have had a few texts with him tonight, usual bollocks, "I did a friend a favour and you're giving me grief for it" type thing. He's supposed to be coming over tomorrow, and was making a big deal over not wanting to listen to ranting all evening. So I said, "Come over or don't. I'm so beyond encouraging you to spend time with me.". Not the "Oh just go fuck yourself" I was thinking, but a step in the right direction.

As it is, I ended up going out tonight to the same place I was supposed to be going with him, had a good evening, and got chat up several times, which is always good for a girl Won't follow any of it through, but still... A bit of praise when you feel like shit and cried yourself to sleep the night previously is helpful.

[lottieandmia]

Oh, don't have him over - he will talk you round.

What is his explanation for having a woman's suitcase on his bed?

[MrsHelsBels74]

Sorry you're going through this & he's being a shit. No matter how good he's been to you, if he does this to you he's not good for you overall.

If there's anything I can do or you want to meet up please let me know x

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

Tell him when he wants to be honest and treat you like you've got more than one braincell, you'll consider speaking to him.

Good work last night :) you're right, it does boost the confidence.

[SirBoobAlot]

His 'explanation' went as follows: Y brings down X from , the hotel doesn't have twin beds so I offer my room and sleep on the sofa then I get grief. I don't want grilling all tomorrow night and I don't want to loose you."

Which translates to me as ''Fuck I've been caught out being a wanker, how dare you catch me out and tell me about it?".

[chezziejo]

Didn't his flat mate say no one slept on the sofa? Your right tho he's lying.

[SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly]

Lying cunt and the reason he doesn't want questioning is because he worries he wont remember his lies

[Dahlen]

Some people can be genuinely nice people but utterly shit at relationships and capable of causing immense pain.

Your P sounds like one of them. It's not helpful to you to paint him as a demon because you know he isn't fully. However, the important bit to remember is that he is when it comes to being a partner. He can do the supportive friendship bit because that bit comes easily to him. What he can't do is the fidelity, honesty and reliability that you need. He will only ever make you miserable.

At 21, in your shoes I would end it and concentrate on building your role as a BF supporter and a mum without involving a third party. You've done amazingly well so far already. If you build on this by yourself, the confidence and independence this will give you will mean that when you do decide (if ever) to have another relationship, there won't be any element of 'need' in it and you'll be able to spot red flags a lot sooner. Ironically, this will probably mean you attract a much higher calibre of man, which is what you deserve.

Good luck.