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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I can't be fucked to name change. Follow on from DPs ex has cancer. Just found a suitcase in his room.

197 replies

SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 21:22

I've been drinking. Don't care.

Was round at his housemates, needed some hand cream, knew he had some E45 in his room, went to get some. Found a purple suitcase on his bed. Dress on top of it. Full of various 'girly' outfits inside. He told me he was out with someone work related last night.

The bastard has lied to me before, and now he is totally fucking me over.

We were supposed to be going out tomorrow night. He told me today that he couldn't, as he had 'football' plans.

I need to tell him to get fucked, but I feel broken.

I', 21, disabled, with a three year old son. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I feel like a complete dick. He said he loved me. I believed him.

Please, either tell me to think rationally and that I'm over reacting, or that I'm being taken for a ride. Because I can't handle this any more.

OP posts:

Report

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 27/04/2013 22:10

He is to blame! Saying you are young doesn't mean you are to blame, it means you have plenty of time to find someone who deserves you!

Trust me I was with the biggest nobber when I was 15 and I felt exactly how you do now in the sense of blame. You are not to blame for him been the highest bell end ever.

Portofino · 27/04/2013 22:10

It's not your fault because you are young. It's more the case that some of us are old, been there, done that. Well me anyway.

Sunnywithshowers · 27/04/2013 22:10

It's nothing to do with your age, SirBoob. It's him being a liar and a cheat.

You deserve better. Big hugs and to you xxx

HolyFocaccia · 27/04/2013 22:11

I know it seems cliche but you are still young. I was in a very bad relationship at 21. I dont want to go into detail but it was a dark place for me.
I am 25 now with 2 children and a dh nothing like my ex.
21 seems a long time ago for me. One day you will look back on this and feel even stronger than you do now. Nobody has the right to make you feel this way. Take the power back, you will feel better for it in the end x

Portofino · 27/04/2013 22:11

Of course he is to blame.

AudreyParker · 27/04/2013 22:11

He is totally to blame. I just mean that you have you whole life ahead of you. Don't waste your youth on a 40yo inadequate loser with a shaky grip on reality and an even shakier grip on fidelity.

He's a prick, and you are a life filled with amazing possibilities. Fuck him off and go and enjoy life.

HolyFocaccia · 27/04/2013 22:11

Sorry, x posted

usualsuspect · 27/04/2013 22:14

If you don't trust him there is no relationship.

SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 22:15

I've been with bastards. And this is nothing as 'serious' as some of the shit shit I've been through, and I know it's pathetic in comparision to some of the horrific situations that go on every day.

But I actually believed him. I believed we would be happy. I believed that he would be there for me, and for my DS.

Feel like such a fucking idiot.

I've let so much go pass, accepted it as 'normal'. This is just one thing too many.

OP posts:

Portofino · 27/04/2013 22:17

When I was 21 I had a shit job and lived with a bloke who had form for DV, though he never touched me. I am 44 and my life has panned out in an entirely different way. You have to put yourself first (and your ds). You have all the time in the world. Concentrate on you. What do you want to achieve? Do you have good friends? What do you want to do with your life?

MissBlennerhassett · 27/04/2013 22:17

It isn't meant that way at all. He is to blame. You aren't.

Saying you're young in this case is not to make you feel naive, more that you have a long future without this particular ratbag. You really don't have to settle for less than you're worth; however old you are.

MissBlennerhassett · 27/04/2013 22:18

X post, a lot!

Portofino · 27/04/2013 22:18

Grab the anger and use it.

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 27/04/2013 22:19

SorBoob You shouldn't have to put up with any shit! Never mind not very serious shit.

Doesn't matter the seriousness of the bullshit at all. You need to remember that. I now don't stand for any bullshit and will call people on it after that fucked up relationship.

You are not an idiot! He is the idiot. As you say you have let alot of thing pass and accepted it as normal which means deep down you know its not acceptable.

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 27/04/2013 22:20

SirBoob nor Sorboob! Sorry

marriedinwhiteagain · 27/04/2013 22:21

OK - I'm not going to tell you that you are young. He, however, is in his 40s and should know better than to mess with someone who is clearly vulnerable. You are worth better. And what the heck is a grown man of 40 something doing in digs?

awkwardsis · 27/04/2013 22:22

Sirboob, it's time for you to leave this cunt. Also, if I may be frank, I've been here many many years, I believe your ds's dad is also much older than you and also treated you appalingly. I think, when you've sobered up a bit, you need to really think about what makes you accept these men. Is it the belief you can't do any better? I know you have stuff in your past that has probably wrecked your self esteem (fellow ED sufferer here). But these older men will look on you as an absolute trophy, and they still treat you like shit. I think you need to be on your own for a bit and see that you deserve to be treated better. I could never be with someone that much older than me, and put up with that many lies. But I am also older than you. I lost my twenties to the wrong men, believing I was worth no better. Please don't make the same mistake. Are you still there now? Can you get home safely?

SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 22:22

What I want to achieve it destroyed by my ill health. And the ridiculous thing is that he was the one that made me believe it was possible again, he got my books and encouraged me to believe in myself, telling me that I would achieve it all.

I'm a breastfeeding peer supporter. That's it. That's all I do. And i love it, but the politics are getting too much. So the freedom he gives me, and the work I do for him, gives me the extra let out. So by cutting him off, I'm cutting off part of me, and I guess that frightens me just as much.

I have few real friends. Lot's of people can't cope with getting a scholarship, then a disability, then a pregnancy... I can count my real life friends on one hand. He is my biggest social out going.

I feel even more pathetic now.

OP posts:

HolyFocaccia · 27/04/2013 22:23

I agree with married here.

Portofino · 27/04/2013 22:25

You sound wonderful. Being a BF peer supporter aged 21 is just great! You should be proud of yourself! Have you tried the Mn local group?

SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 22:28

Ah awkwardsis, you remember well. Yes, DSs dad is also older, and a prick. Though actually I came home in tears, he'd already put DS to bed, he gave me a hug and told me that (D? Ex?)P was a twat.

ED at bay currently but SH lingering in the background, don't want to fuck up six months clean.

Was alone for a while after I split with exP, and I'm not really afraid of being alone any more. But... This is so unfair. I know that;s childish. But why do all my other halves end up treating me like shit?

OP posts:

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 27/04/2013 22:28

Boob You did it! You achieved what you did because of your strength and because you believed. You wouldn't have done it had it not been for yourself.

You need to stop putting all your achievements on him and start realising you did all of that.

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squeakytoy · 27/04/2013 22:29

"Stupid thing, BOF? This is the best relationship I've ever been in"

you are 21! honestly, I didnt have a good relationship until I was in my 30's and many many of my friends will say exactly the same..

you are young, you have years ahead of you yet to meet someone decent who will treat you properly and not muck you around.. dont waste time on a loser..

he has made you realise that you can achieve things, well believe me, you can also go on to achieve a lot more without him as well!

SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 22:30

Porto you were one of the first MN screen names I started to recognise. Don't think i've ever told you that.

I've been a BF peer supporter for nearly three years now. I don't really feel proud of myself right now. But thank you for the support.

OP posts:

marriedinwhiteagain · 27/04/2013 22:31

Listen darling - I was subfertile, eventually managed to produce two children (don't ask about that journey) by the time I was 38 and was absolute crap at breast feeding let alone being a peer supporter for anyone else. You are 21, have a child and are so good at b/f you can help other people do it. There are lots and lots of other things you will good at and the first thing is finding a little of bit of peace where you can build yourself up and hopefully with some help, even if it's only from us lot on here, find some independence and some stability. Enjoy being a mummy - it is a very important job - once you accept that success you will be able to build on others and you don't need a gitly man to do it. Develop your git alert.

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