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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't be fucked to name change. Follow on from DPs ex has cancer. Just found a suitcase in his room.

197 replies

SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 21:22

I've been drinking. Don't care.

Was round at his housemates, needed some hand cream, knew he had some E45 in his room, went to get some. Found a purple suitcase on his bed. Dress on top of it. Full of various 'girly' outfits inside. He told me he was out with someone work related last night.

The bastard has lied to me before, and now he is totally fucking me over.

We were supposed to be going out tomorrow night. He told me today that he couldn't, as he had 'football' plans.

I need to tell him to get fucked, but I feel broken.

I', 21, disabled, with a three year old son. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I feel like a complete dick. He said he loved me. I believed him.

Please, either tell me to think rationally and that I'm over reacting, or that I'm being taken for a ride. Because I can't handle this any more.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 27/04/2013 21:45

Have you asked him who's clothes they are?

Portofino · 27/04/2013 21:46

No of course it should not be hard work. My dh got depressed last year and it made life difficult and sometimes he can be a right tit, but 95% of the time, he he is a very good, helpful husband and father. Your dp just sounds like hard work.

Willabywallaby · 27/04/2013 21:47

You deserve better.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 21:50

And he's great a lot of the time; supporting me through therapy etc. But on Monday I really needed him too, my friend got found guilty in court, he knew I was upset, I texted him as he was in a meeting when I heard the result, heard nothing from him till the following morning, all acting normal. He apologised for letting me down when I checked him on it that evening, but am still upset about it.

And now this.

He's saying it was X from and that her work mate Y has a hotel. I don't believe him.

I know you have to work for a good relationship. I'm willing to work. but all I seem to be working against are lies. And 'feel good' compliments when it suits him.

His bed was rumpled with her suitcase in the middle and her shower things n his bed side cabinet. I ddon't believe it was just work.

OP posts:
BOF · 27/04/2013 21:50

It should not be this hard.

Don't you remember Reality's 'Listen Up' post?

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 27/04/2013 21:51

:( - you deserve so much more then this. Ha;f the time crying is not how your life should be spent.

trikken · 27/04/2013 21:51

Oh no Sirboob, sorry to hear this is happening to you.

It really shouldnt be this hard work, you definitely need a chat to find ouf wtaf is going on.

LemonPeculiarJones · 27/04/2013 21:52

No it shouldn't be hard work. You are spending half your time unhappy. That is a bad relationship. You need to get yourself free of it.

I know it hurts SirBoob Sad But - ending this relationship will make you happier. And will open up your life to new and wonderful possibilities.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 21:55

How do I do that, lemon? I know he's being a wanker. I know he is. But he's made me feel stronger, and better about myself. How do I then walk away from it?

Fucks sake, I felt like I had made so much progress mentally. I really haven't.

OP posts:
BOF · 27/04/2013 21:56

Here you go, a reminder.

I cried a lot with my ex. The relationship I'm in now, and have been for seven years? Never. NEVER. Nothing but happiness with him. Sure, I cry at shite on the news or the world or whatever, but he never gives me a moment's disquiet.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 21:58

Stupid thing, BOF? This is the best relationship I've ever been in. This is the only one that has ever made me feel good about myself.

What a fucking mess.

OP posts:
HolyFocaccia · 27/04/2013 21:59

You have made progress.
You have made yourself feel stronger, not him. He has been there for you, yes but you have got the strength from within yourself.

Holding your hand x

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 27/04/2013 21:59

Dont let the fucker get you down! He hasn't made you stronger, you have done that! You have progressed and whether he was around or not you would have still done it and you still can.

You don't believe it was just work so go from there. You don't need him. You are a strong woman. You can walk away and you can still progress.

Chin up girl.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 22:00

I don't feel strong right now.

OP posts:
MissBlennerhassett · 27/04/2013 22:00

You take the good stuff, the positivity, the confidence etc and you walk away with your head up. You feel shit now but that's temporary. Hard, but temporary. You are young, fiesty and funny. He, sadly, is a wanker. When you feel less hurt by this, you can build on the strength you clearly already have. I believe in you Smile

HolyFocaccia · 27/04/2013 22:02

You have had a shock. I imagine all of us would feel this way.
You will get through this. Accept no bullshit, you deserve the truth. You deserve to be treated with respect x

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 27/04/2013 22:02

You are strong. You are really young (says the really old 22 year old Grin) and you can still find someone who treats you the way you deserve.

ClaraOswald · 27/04/2013 22:03

He's a user. You haven't done anything wrong in this. He chose to "entertain" this person. He can deal with the fall out.

Portofino · 27/04/2013 22:04

You don't need a relationship to make you feel good about yourself. It should come from within. I can honestly say that YOU are a person in your own right, who deserves to be treated respectfully. He is NOT making you feel good. He is making you cry and worry and doubt. You don't have to live like that.

AudreyParker · 27/04/2013 22:04

Boobs, my love, you are very young.

There is a whole world of lovely men out there.

I was with a liar, and that shifting sands feeling is so draining and damaging. Never being able to trust a si gle stupid thing he said, god. Exhausting.

But I've been with dh for 6 wonderful years, we met when I was 27 and a single parent. He has never made me cry, never given me reason to mistrust him. He's my anchor. Being with him is the easiest thing in the world. He enriches my life every single day.

Be on your own until that person comes along for you. Anything less is selling yourself short. You deserve someone amazing, not someone that's just ok some of the time.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 22:05

Pathetically I am still hoping for a logically explanation. Could someone PM me a backbone please? I'm ridiculous.

Thank you for the hold holding.

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 27/04/2013 22:05

My advice to my younger self on another thread was,

'You could do so much better than him'.

I'd like to give that advice to you as well, if you don't mind.

He doesn't deserve you.

OnTheNingNangNong · 27/04/2013 22:07

You are strong, he hasn't helped you feel better with yourself- he's made you cry far too often, you made yourself a stronger person.

You may not feel it, it's a horrible horrible shock, but you do not need him, he isn't a nice man, you are lovely and deserve a fuckton more for you and your son.

Portofino · 27/04/2013 22:07

There IS a logical explanation. He is a waste of oxygen.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 27/04/2013 22:07

Please stop telling me that I am young. Please. Because this just makes me feel like this is my fault. And I need to feel like he is at least partially to blame or I fall apart.

OP posts: