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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp been really off with me since going on a stag doo.

279 replies

whatapotatohead · 23/04/2013 13:06

Dp went away this weekend on a stag doo. He came home on Sunday night and has hardly spoken to me sinceSad
I was fine with him going away (actually looking forward to a few girly days with dd) and have been fine with him since he has been home, stayed up until he came home even though it was late and had to be up in the morning, had a beer and a snack waiting in the fridge for him when he got home. Nice meal prepared for last night...
He wouldn't come to bed on Sunday, stayed downstairs until I was asleep, hardly spoke to me last night and wouldn't come to bed again but stayed downstairs until 1am.
I have asked what is wrong with him but he just says he is fine then goes quiet again.
Don't want to keep asking him what's wrong but can't stand feeling like this.

OP posts:
bigbuttons · 23/04/2013 16:42

OP, I would talk to him tonight. Don't ask if he's ok anymore. Tell him what he is doing to make you upset. If he denies it, which it might well do, tell him no you are not imagining it and you don't like his behaviour.
Good luck, I shall be watching this with interest!

bigbuttons · 23/04/2013 16:43

Also it's plainly obvious that this is about his relationship with YOU and you alone. For whatever reason what he did/experienced in Amsterdam has affected his relationship with YOU only.

TheOrchardKeeper · 23/04/2013 16:49

Am quite nervous for you OP. I'd be imaging all sorts by now and dying to get a real answer. Not that it helps, just trying to empathize!

Fingers crossed for you!

Original poster
whatapotatohead · 23/04/2013 17:17

I am imagining all sorts, trying to keep smiling for the sake of the children but counting down the minutes until I can go to bed Sad

I am not very good with confrontation

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 23/04/2013 17:22

Are you seeing him tonight OP though?

And you're just asking him what it's about, so it may not turn as ugly as you imagine and if it does then maybe you'll want to think twice about what he was up to...but cross that bridge if/when you come to it

TheOrchardKeeper · 23/04/2013 17:23

And he can't tell you he's fine. Don't take that for an answer...as he's blatantly not Hmm

kittybiscuits · 23/04/2013 17:26

He's done something. He sounds really freaked out. What's he been like re showering/being naked? Has he perhaps got a love bite or scratches and is bricking it in case you see them? If this is the case he will be in a total state until they've gone, at which point he will miraculously recover. Can you catch him naked? Turn the fuse off when he's in the shower or something?

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 23/04/2013 17:30

It does sound suspicious OP but don't assume its infidelity until you know and have confronted him.

Whatever it is, he is being very rude and obviously singling you out for the silent treatment. This is very unfair and a form of emotional bullying. Get it all out in the open as soon as you can. You'll find lots of support on here if you need to let off steam.

LittleMissLucy · 23/04/2013 17:32

I just wanted to add, without wanting to be too negative, that if he does tell you what has happened, if he is then relieved of his guilt, don't be surprised if he feels suddenly after confessing, like he wants to "move on from it" quickly, while you are still reeling from the information. Its like the burden is shifted from him to you, as it were. Just speaking from one past experience of a very, very similar sounding situation. (in our case it was a drunken snog he had, in a nightclub, pre-marriage...)

YoniMcShoni · 23/04/2013 17:40

~kittybiscuits I bet my bottom dollar that you are right and he is trying to hide the evidence of dirty deeds. And by being horrible to you there is no fear you will try to get him naked and expose whatever it is he is hiding.

He needs to be confronted to get this out in the open.

ToomuchWaternotWine · 23/04/2013 17:53

Wishing you strength for tonight, OP, and remember the best rule when tackling this type of thing, ask the questions you need to ask and then be silent. Watch his reactions, body language, and listen to his tone - defensive, angry, turning it back on you? Or genuinely upset, contrite, honest? Don't be afraid of silence, don't try to fill the gaps. Let him tell you, and show you if he is being upfront.

kittybiscuits · 23/04/2013 17:54

that's great advice waternotwine! yes OP, less is more!

CajaDeLaMemoria · 23/04/2013 17:57

I hope this turns out okay, OP. Whatever he's done, MN is full of people who will help you deal with it.

Or if he's just being an arse but that seems so unlikely.

Fragglewump · 23/04/2013 17:58

Just hand holding - stay string tonight x

WorrySighWorrySigh · 23/04/2013 18:06

Dont be surprised if the truth is less than you imagine. If he doesnt normally take drugs and has done so then he may well have fallen a long way down in his own estimation. Same for getting pant wettingly drunk. Same for going to a peep show.

It is also quite possible that a friend or friends have done any/all of the above and he is struggling with it. Having sex with a random isnt restricted to men. I have known it happen on hen weekends as well (the bride!).

It is also quite possible as a PP mentioned that he had a heart to heart with a friend and is seeing something/one in a different light.

I hope that you are able to get to the bottom of this and that ultimately it isnt too painful.

Chandon · 23/04/2013 18:13

I would also bet on guilt.

If my DH feels guilty about any selfish behaviour, he starts out with being "off" with me, which then leads to a big row, and big apologies from him later.

He is trying to make you feel bad, and that is really not on.

You know what they'll have been up to during a stag do in Amsterdam anyway, don't you.

Ahhhcrap · 23/04/2013 18:36

Good luck OP, I'd bit let it drop tonight until I'd heard the truth.

As others have said, my dh is off with me too if he's guilty of something or trying to hide something.

Hope you get it sorted

quietlysuggests · 23/04/2013 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 23/04/2013 19:05

Great advice re the silence thing. I do that to dp sometimes and it totally backfoots him. Ask, then listen.

Distrustinggirlnow · 23/04/2013 19:22

Didn't want to read and run, but this does sound a bit suspicious OP. I think you need to trust your instincts.

Also echoing what someone else said, ask him then be quiet. He will be quiet too and the temptation to fill the silence is overwhelming. Don't ......

Also be prepared for him to minimise whatever it is he has done.

Am thinking of you Thanks

StuffezLaYoni · 23/04/2013 19:25

I really hope you get a straight answer, OP.
An ex of mine behaved similarly after a city break with his brother. I KNEW something had happened but forced the feelings away. Of course he had and I felt a total idiot for not facing it at once. I wish I had sat down in front of him and said calmly, "do not insult me by lying, I know something happened while you were away. You have once chance to tell me the truth."
Either way, you don't deserve this stupid silent treatment.

UterusUterusGhali · 23/04/2013 20:46

What had happened, stuffez?

happyfreeconfused · 23/04/2013 20:58

I really don't know if I would trust any man on a stag do in Amsterdam.

happyfreeconfused · 23/04/2013 20:58

And there is that whole 'what goes on tour stays on tour' mentality that men share so it is possible you may never find out what really happened.

StuffezLaYoni · 23/04/2013 21:05

Er, well he had fucked some vile girl on his trip away. Then when I went to visit my family for Christmas he invited her down to my empty house and shagged her in my bed.
When we broke up he got arrested for criminal damage and assault and i did a little internal jig. Fucking bastard.
Worth noting though, he never admitted a single thing originally, but I knew something was wrong. I looked in his emails and found the truth and don't regret it for a second.

Oh and I made it worse by emailing the OW and her reply was a foul mouthed, illiterate rant. She was thick as shit and that hurt a LOT.