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Original poster

Dp been really off with me since going on a stag doo.

279 replies

whatapotatohead · 23/04/2013 13:06

Dp went away this weekend on a stag doo. He came home on Sunday night and has hardly spoken to me sinceSad
I was fine with him going away (actually looking forward to a few girly days with dd) and have been fine with him since he has been home, stayed up until he came home even though it was late and had to be up in the morning, had a beer and a snack waiting in the fridge for him when he got home. Nice meal prepared for last night...
He wouldn't come to bed on Sunday, stayed downstairs until I was asleep, hardly spoke to me last night and wouldn't come to bed again but stayed downstairs until 1am.
I have asked what is wrong with him but he just says he is fine then goes quiet again.
Don't want to keep asking him what's wrong but can't stand feeling like this.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2013 13:53

Men aren't 'such arseholes' but if he was going to Amsterdam on a stag do, it's not exactly rocket science to work out why it was selected. They've been to giggle at the hookers in the windows, pay for private dances and try out the spliffs. Think you have to try to get him to come clean. A variation on the Sun Journo line might work... 'either you tell me the full story in your own words or I'll have to assume you've done something worse'

rubyrubyruby · 23/04/2013 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookingForwardToMarch · 23/04/2013 13:56

I would front him out.

Say something like ' Well you couldnt make it more obvious youve done something, want to admit it now or shall we continue to ignore each other until you do?'

If he is feeling that guilty he wont be able to lie very well and you'll spot it.

Sorry some blokes are that dickish they would risk their families to get their end away.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2013 13:59

Actually, you've reminded me of a story involving exH. He went to a sports event with an old mate, they had a few drinks and then the friend only went and picked up a bloke in the bar and took him home. ExH was horribly homophobic for one and thought his friend was straight for two. He looked like he'd been struck by lightning for about a week... LOL!

montage · 23/04/2013 14:04

I would just sit down with him and tell him he needs to tell you what is wrong.

Jumping to conclusions can damage your relationship and is obviously causing you pain.

Michellephant · 23/04/2013 14:05

I don't think you should assume he has cheated either. My ex boyfriend went to Amsterdam and got so high he freaked out and shit himself. This is someone who smoked weed regularly at home. Do you think he wanted me to know he crapped himself!? Of course not! His friends still talked about it though so it couldn't be kept from me.

It could be absolutely anything. Maybe he thinks YOU have done something whilst he has been away!?

Cherriesarered · 23/04/2013 14:05

Perhaps he has been attacked and feels ashamed that he put himself into a situation.

oscarwilde · 23/04/2013 14:06

He sounds like he has a guilty conscience or is in the throes of a horrible post alcohol detox but maybe he's had an embarrassing tattoo done while in a drunken stupor? Or had his genitalia pierced and is too embarrassed to admit it? Grin

Ask him, it can't be worse than you are imagining. What's most likely is that he got suckered into handing over his credit card, had some lap dances and is terrified at what is going to come up on the credit card bill when it clears after the weekend. And somewhat sick to the stomach as to what an utter moron he has been.

garlicyoni · 23/04/2013 14:07

Apols for a bit of a random question, OP - has he come back with all his stuff? Watch, credit cards, etc? I've known men on get robbed by prostitutes abroad, and of course they don't report it.

It did also cross my mind that his pals might have done something really, truly awful ... though I don't understand why he wouldn't tell you if he wasn't involved.

Agreed - why can't stags do stuff like tank-driving instead of boozing & whoring?

garlicyoni · 23/04/2013 14:08

Or perhaps he's just got the hangover of the century (and no clue what happened on the weekend!)

RunnerHasbeen · 23/04/2013 14:09

It doesn't have to be infidelity, he could have got drunk and streaked down a street or slept under a bush or any number of things he is ashamed of having done. Maybe he has spent more money than he should have done... anything!

Leavenheath · 23/04/2013 14:13

why can't stags do stuff like tank-driving instead of boozing & whoring?

Partly because the women in their lives go along with them choosing Amsterdam for stag nights and accept they'll use the sex industry while they are there, even if it's just going to a strip club. It's the 'cool wife' syndrome innit?

Original poster
whatapotatohead · 23/04/2013 14:18

Sorry can't name check everytime I try the app crashes. He knows I didn't get up to anything, how could I I was at home looking after our babies.
Nothing missing and he doesn't have a credit card.

OP posts:
GoSuckEggs · 23/04/2013 14:24

it sounds like he has been up to something naughty. you need to ask him!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 23/04/2013 14:29

Awful behaviour towards you, OP. There's no point in us second guessing what's happened - although the first thought that jumped into my mind was guilty conscience too.

I would try something along the lines of "I know something's happened while you were away, or you wouldn't be treating me like this. Can't you talk to me about it?"

Try a sympathetic approach first - if that doesn't work, well I'd be of the 'packing his bags' variety myself - to give him some space - but that's me, not necessarily right for you.

Lueji · 23/04/2013 14:30

I agree that regardless of the reason, he shouldn't be like that towards you.

Sooner rather than later, you should tell him that he's not on and he should either come clean or stop behaving like that. Going away to cool off sounds good. :)

meditrina · 23/04/2013 14:42

My guess is guilty conscience. What sort of action leads to guilt depends on the individual man and his moral compass. It could be what he's spent, what he's consumed, whether he's been arrested, or whether he's been with a prostitute.

You do need to find out.

But if it is random shag, at least there's the small mercy that he's not put your health at risk by carrying on as usual. If there is music to be faced, better done quickly.

Dahlen · 23/04/2013 14:47

I'm afraid my money is on something sexual. The fact that he's avoiding sharing a bed with the OP while she's awake is the giveaway.

It's possible that something has happened to him (e.g. male rape) that he's not ready to talk about, of course, but given the circumstances it's far, far more likely that he's been with a prostitute and is worrying about passing on an STI.

Or he could have done nothing other than had a heart to heart with the groom about the nature of marriage and LTRs and be seriously questioning his relationship with the OP as a result.

Either way, this needs to be brought out into the open and discussed NOW.

Loulybelle · 23/04/2013 14:54

Hes guilty about something, what i can say, but hes got guilt on his mind.

LookingForwardToMarch · 23/04/2013 15:11

Op have you said anything to him yet?

Original poster
whatapotatohead · 23/04/2013 15:22

lookingforward, I have asked.him several times if he's ok, what's the matter etc but haven't spoken to him about it today, he's at work so will have to wait until the kids are in bed tonight trying to sit on my hands and stop myself texting him to ask if he's going yo talk to me about whats wrong or if he's just going to let me keep thinkin the worst.

OP posts:
CuChullain · 23/04/2013 15:24

Christ some of you here are quick to jump on the infidelity bandwagon, you are like vultures circling a weak animal. He is probably feeling absolutely rotten after drinking his bodyweight in booze and not in the humour to engage in chit chat. I was on a stag bash in Amsterdam last month and strangely enough all the married and attached men had no interest in sex shows or lap dances. Most people had jobs to return to on monday and being wasted on drugs was not an option either. It did take me about 3 days to get over my trip as I felt awful after a 48 hour sleep deprived booze and junk food fueled weekend. Lucky my girlfriend has a sense of humour and just took the piss out of me for my self inflicted state. Likewise when she returned from a hen bash feeling crap and non chatty I did not assume she had been sucking cock all weekend.

Original poster
whatapotatohead · 23/04/2013 15:30

I am not jumping to conclusions because he is suffering from a hangover, that I could deal with, the silent treatment, refusal to speak to me but being totally normal, playful and interested in the children and chatty on the phone to everyone else is telling me he has a problem with me or our relationship, not a hangover. if he was feeling rough he would be sleeping it off as he usually does, not avoiding coming to bed until he knows I am asleep.

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 23/04/2013 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontyouwantmebaby · 23/04/2013 15:31

OP - I'd pretty much be fuming by now about his silent treatment and I'm afraid I'd have snapped and asked him what the hell is wrong/why is he not coming to bed with me/why staying up till 1am (if this is unusual for him) etc.

There's a lot of speculation going on in this thread but you just need to ask him. If he is reticent then I'd say you're not putting up with this type of behaviour.

Whilst true that some blokes on stag do's go along with the herd and go to brothels/sex shows, there really are many who don't. Often in large groups there'll be a natural divide between those who are predominantly there for drinking/drugs/sex and people tend to hang out mainly with the group they fall into iyswim. OOf course that's a generalisation and depends on the dynamic of the group and yes, I know some blokes will fall into all 3 of those too. But not all blokes cheat, not even on stag do's.

Hope you get to the bottom of it soon.