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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp been really off with me since going on a stag doo.

279 replies

whatapotatohead · 23/04/2013 13:06

Dp went away this weekend on a stag doo. He came home on Sunday night and has hardly spoken to me sinceSad
I was fine with him going away (actually looking forward to a few girly days with dd) and have been fine with him since he has been home, stayed up until he came home even though it was late and had to be up in the morning, had a beer and a snack waiting in the fridge for him when he got home. Nice meal prepared for last night...
He wouldn't come to bed on Sunday, stayed downstairs until I was asleep, hardly spoke to me last night and wouldn't come to bed again but stayed downstairs until 1am.
I have asked what is wrong with him but he just says he is fine then goes quiet again.
Don't want to keep asking him what's wrong but can't stand feeling like this.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 02/05/2013 17:43

ah, lovely update. Good to hear x

Pilgit · 02/05/2013 17:52

glad to hear nothing untoward (from him). If it were my DH doing this he would probably have been trying hard to reconcile that behaviour to people he thought of as friends. He would be disappointed in them for doing it and then really aggrieved at the bullying post the event. He would have trouble articulating the disappointment and disgust it would have caused - and this would lead to being introverted and a bit 'off' for a couple of days till he told me what had happened.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 02/05/2013 17:56

Glad he opened up and that things are going well for you now.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 02/05/2013 18:01

thanks for update OP. I also think you DH is telling you the truth. His friends are idiots, and I pity the poor bride. Sad

To be fair, I have been to a sex club and dancing club in Amsterdam (with DH) and it was hideous. There were the 'usual lot' perving and a couple of Japanese having a wank while watching the show. It wasnt a turn on for my DH and not for me either. But I did want to see what all the hooha was about. Im nosy like that! Smile

The only thing I would say is make it crystal clear that he doesnt get to take his guilt or moods out on you, its not fair. And I can see from recent update that you have told him this. Not much more you can do really.

Goodadvice1980 · 02/05/2013 18:27

Hi OP,

Glad you have answers now.

His friends sound completely vile; I think I'd be questioning my judgement radar if it were my friends who had behaved like that. They sound like bullies.

The whole sordid thing will probably hang over your OH for the whole of the wedding if he is this upset by their behaviour on the stag do.

Is there concrete proof that the groom cheated? I would be so tempted to tell her and spare her the misery of marrying a complete arse who obviously has no respect for his future wife.

ProphetOfDoom · 02/05/2013 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherriesarered · 02/05/2013 20:06

I would tell the bride, who wants a honeymoon dose of VD!

hollyisalovelyname · 02/05/2013 22:47

Glad you got sorted.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 02/05/2013 22:58

I think you have to tell the bride - it's a health protection issue, ultimately, as if her sexual partner has slept with a prostitute in Amsterdam, she's at quite serious risk.
It will result in the most horrible blow up and a terrible falling out, but you'd feel a lot worse if you didn't tell and he gave her some awful disease.

SimLondon · 02/05/2013 23:11

hmmmmm

Guerrillacrochet · 03/05/2013 04:11

Bloody hell people leave the OP alone! It sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation, why insinuate (some of you) that there could be more to it? It sounds like he was weirded out by it and was brooding. Yes he was off with OP, no he shouldn't have been, but we're all a bit shit sometimes. nothing suggests there is anything else lurking in the background- why play to her insecurities, especially when this could actually be a good thing for their relationship if they're talking more?
And as for telling the bride?!? Are you absolutely mad?

  1. She, or her DH, don't know what went on with the dancer.
  2. The bride knew her DH had arranged the stag night in Amsterdam and it is up to her to discuss it OR NOT with her HTB
  3. Of course any kind of sexual activity has an inherant risk of an STI, but I would imagine that an Amsterdam sex worker (the 'cleanest' in the world, apparently) is no riskier than the groom shagging some random girl he picked up in a bar (which could be possible, he sounds like the type). Flame away, but it sounds like some people almost want there to be more to this than there was, or want the OP to open another can of worms that is nothing to do with her. OP- glad it's sorted.
Original poster
whatapotatohead · 03/05/2013 12:48

Thanks.
I don't feel able to speak to the bride to be, I don't really know her and dp doesn't know what if anything happened. we are going to the wedding but I am driving so wont be staying late.

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 03/05/2013 12:52

Yes for gods sake don't tell the bride!! Keep well out of the whole thing. Glad things are sorted for you.

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2013 12:57

Would they really go that far?. Why do stag parties usually go to Amsterdam? Really?

Bant · 03/05/2013 13:01

Molly - some stag parties go to Amsterdam because you can get stoned out of your minds in coffee bars with your mates, and drink until you fall over. Not all men want to have sex with prostitutes. Some of us actually really don't like the idea, strangely enough.

wreckitralph · 03/05/2013 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 03/05/2013 23:11

Amsterdam sex workers the cleanest in the world, are they? What a load of shit. Sex worker are at high risk of STIs and people who sleep with them are risking exposure. And frankly, it's highly unlikely this repulsive specimen disappeared with her to discuss the weather.
If you saw someone driving towards a cliff at full speed would you do nothing or would you fell you had a moral duty to try and warn them? I'm willing to bet the latter. yet you would be willing to let some poor woman risk chlamydia, warts or worse. i think that's pretty disgraceful.

Xales · 04/05/2013 00:31

If you think that is a reasonable reason I hope everything goes well for you.

Why were you the only person he was shitty to?

I would be letting him know that it unacceptable to treat you the way he has and not to do it again.

Cherriesarered · 04/05/2013 09:31

Yes, I imagine that those poor women trafficked across Europe and forced into the sex trade are definitely the "cleanest" women in the sex trade. I would not want my future husband to be visiting one of them though, would you?

SugarPasteGreyhound · 04/05/2013 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabbleBitch · 04/05/2013 16:34

If I was the bride-to-be I would want to be told the truth about the man I was about to marry so that I could call off the wedding.

If I were the OP and her DH I would certainly not be attending this sham of a wedding.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/05/2013 19:58

Guess no one apart from the groom and stripper knows what happened

But to me even a drunken kiss and grope is as a bad as sleeping with someone as its the intent :(

If the groom did do something then I pity his bride

Guerrillacrochet · 06/05/2013 08:05

I'm not vindicating this cretin- he sounds like a shitbag, and so do most of his slimeball pals. I bet the pressure was on the OP's DH and the other guy to get involved so they would have collective guilt to keep schtum.
But the point is that none of us know the BTB, including the OP. It is their relationship and it is for her to discuss what happened at the stag night with her ratty HTB. The fact remains that none of us, or the OP's DH, knew what happened with the stripper, meteorological discussions or not.
Of course some Amsterdam sex workers will have STIs. But I gather, from the sources I've been able to garner, that a high % use protection and that a large % have regular health screening. So I don't think it is entirely a pile of shit to compare it to shagging some random pick up in a bar.
of course sex trafficking is a bad thing. But we're not really here to talk about that, are we? Yes it is horrible, awful. But I don't see why this should be another stick to beat the poor OP up with to guilt her into into talking to the bride.

Cherriesarered · 06/05/2013 19:28

I don't think it is wrong to question the morality of those who perpetuate rape and degradation of women or the partners that condone trips to Amsterdam in the interests of a bit of "fun" or a "laugh". I assume you think it's okay to visit UK sex workers too? 80% of London sex workers are foreign born and many of those women will have been trafficked too.

Guerrillacrochet · 07/05/2013 02:22

Read the comment. I am not supporting sex trafficking, or the Amsterdam red light district or those that go to stag weekends to seek out sex. If you want to read it that way and be outraged then fine. My DH wouldn't go to such an event because it is exploitative and when I've been to Amsterdam I haven't been to the red light area to have a gawp and look into dead eyes because I find it vile.
But this isn't a thread on whether prostitution in Amsterdam, London, Cambodia or anywhere else is acceptable or not, but some people seem to be spectacularly missing the point.
I am getting annoyed with myself now for arguing with someone I don't know about whether another person I don't know should tell a further person I don't know something she doesn't know. But I guess that's Mumsnet for you.