Dp been really off with me since going on a stag doo.

[whatapotatohead]

Dp went away this weekend on a stag doo. He came home on Sunday night and has hardly spoken to me since
I was fine with him going away (actually looking forward to a few girly days with dd) and have been fine with him since he has been home, stayed up until he came home even though it was late and had to be up in the morning, had a beer and a snack waiting in the fridge for him when he got home. Nice meal prepared for last night...
He wouldn't come to bed on Sunday, stayed downstairs until I was asleep, hardly spoke to me last night and wouldn't come to bed again but stayed downstairs until 1am.
I have asked what is wrong with him but he just says he is fine then goes quiet again.
Don't want to keep asking him what's wrong but can't stand feeling like this.

I have to say I'd be thinking he'd shagged someone - probably a prostitute. And it all seemed like fun and games while they were out there, but now that he's back to reality he's feeling disgusted and ashamed.

And I might even go one further and say that, in order to assuage his guilt, he's treating you like the bad guy with the silent treatment. So that when you finally crack he can turn it around on you and say you're the one with the problem.

Last night's 'nice evening' was an attempt to start brushing things under the carpet. Well done for standing your ground and refusing to be manipulated. Stay strong and demand the answers you need.

Don't forget, you don't even need to wait to see what he's going to say or do. If at any time you feel like you've had enough of his shit then you can always decide to call your own shots.

I would like to think he has gone away on a stag do, been surrounded by people talking about weddings and joking he is next and now thinking about your relationship. He may be thinking about taking the next step and asking you to marry him, or he may be questioning if he is happy how he is. Have you dropped any hints about wanting to get married? Does he maybe feel pressured? Don't worry OP a change in behaviour doesnt always mean infidelity x

Dahlem- as others have stated upthread, just because men go to Amsterdam doesn't mean they are plotting to shag around. Some men will cheat whether it's Amsterdam or the local Travelodge. Others wouldn't dream of it, even if they were in Amsterdam.

When my DH went he said everyone got drunk, there's a was nice relaxed vibe about the city, one bloke tried weed for the first time and was asleep by 9pm, and that it was a very beautiful city that I would like.
Nobody shagged a prostitute.

If someone is unfaithful blame the person not the city.

Late to this thread but I'm not quite sure why there are so many people insisting that other men go on Stag Weekends to Amsterdam for experiences outwith the Sex Industry, when the OP herself has posted that she fully expected her partner to visit a strip club while there. And she was okay with that, unfortunately.

I just can't believe he's behaving this way towards the OP. It's beyond cruel, all things considered though I'd have given him two options already by now (explain yourself or leave...or both if it's something like infidelity).

Easier to day from the outside I know. Frustrated for the OP really.

Posted too soon!

It looks to me as though the OP's partner is manipulating her fear of confrontation and probably his power in the relationship and there is probably some real fear in the OP about pressing this issue and finding out information that will require some action and decisions on her part.

*say

OP, please consider making him tell you later. There is no excuse for this behavior, whatever happened & he owes you an explanation.

And agree ^ He bloody knows OP wants to avoid one & just be told and is playing that to the max.

Also, the part where he said let's just have a nice evening etc is very manipulative in itself & is not painting this man in the greatest light...

you really need to talk, but you know this - does seem weird/strange that dp is avoiding trying to talk

but dont assume that hes guilty yet

my dh had his stag do in amsterdam and his best friends was also there

yes they went to a strip club, no the married/attached ones didnt have lap dances/be unfaithful - they had a few beers/chilled and that was it

and yes i beleive him as otherwise what is the point of a relatioship - tho admittedly if he behaved like your dp i would wonder why and want to know why

tho the single one did

cuchullian i agree - if someone is going to be unfaithful they will - they dont think wow a stag/hen do i must get my legover

I am scared of the truth, although I can deal with him being in a strip club (which I now know 100% he has, the fool left a box of matches from there in his coat pocket) I will struggle if he has spent our family money on a private dance and there will be no relationship if he has gone further than that, easily said but that leaves me alone with two children and no income (sahm) so whilst this is torture I am scared the alternative will be worse.
I owe it to my children to grow a pair and find out the truth.

I know a stag do doesn't have to result in cheating, if it wasn't for his behavior on his return everything would be fine

Facing a future of a single parent, is a damn sight better than the future of wondering your living with a bare faced liar, you deserve better than the shitty treatment hes been giving you, you deserve the truth, no one has the right to treat you like an idiot, and your certainly dont have to accept it.

Horrid position to be in. :(

I hope you can have a talk tonight. If he keeps on in this way would you be comfortable talking to any of the other partners? Are they your friends?

Potatohead can you see your bank details online to see how much money has been spent and where?

I do sympathise OP I really do. This time last year I was finding things out about my OH that I really had no idea about and I had to instigate that very difficult (for me) conversation.

You need to sit him down, look him in the eye, ask him, then be quiet. Maybe use the box of matches as your starting block....

Something like,
"You've been acting differently since you got back from Amsterdam. I thought you might be tired and hungover
But these fell out of your coat (hold out matches) and now I don't know what to think. We've never had secrets before and I'm worried you're hiding some thing."

Good luck OP

loulybelle I know
I don't know any of the other partners only met the hen q handful of times but not well enough to ask and possibly spoil her relationship.
he took cash so there will be nothing on bank statements unfortunately.

I love Amsterdam for the vibe, the beauty and the weed.
the red light bit is tiny and I don't know anyone that has gone there for that. it's mostly about the smoke.

however it's his behavior that makes me think infidelity not the location

You owe it to yourself to find out the truth of this whole sorry situation. You need to ask him straight out what went on over there even though you are afraid of the truth (and perhaps your reactions).

Also your children will pick up on how unhappy you are.

For goodness sake its probably nothing! If he did anything he would prob be being extra nice, I think there are a lot of scaremongers on this thread

I really feel for you OP, I genuinely hope its just over guilt about actually going to the strip club and nothing more than that.

I agree with the other posters, you need to bite the bullet and have it out with him. It may take some time but I've found gut instinct and being a bit 'dog with a bone' is the only way to deal with someone who doesn't want to come clean about something.

Sometimes badgering for the truth is the only way to get it.

I hope its something simple and doesn't have any long lasting impact. hugs

"I don't know anyone who went there for that"

Why would a bunch of blokes go to Amsterdam on a stag do if it wasn't partly for that?

I have been 3 times on a stag and everytime it has involved a trip to the red light area and all that entails. Some lads indulged some didn't. Some were married/attached.

One thing that strikes me is the almost bringing it to your attention reaction.

If I had done that (which i havent) I would certainly not be behaving any differently. I would go out of my way to act as normally as possible as some did the lads who did participate. None of their partners are any the wiser as far as I know.

It may be more that he has witnessed what went on and has now been sworn to secrecy....remember "loose lips sink ships"

Lads don't want to let their mates down and sometimes struggle with the concept of keeping stum but they know that if they blab it could bring someone's world crashing down whether deserved or not.

He may well have not cheated. There are not actually that many strip clubs in the red light area. It's just window to window prostitutes all charging 50 euro and if blokes are that way inclined anyway they are likely to pay the 50 rather than 20 odd for a dance with no touching as that's generally the rule.

You need to ask him though as the silence is killing you.

givemeaclue according to OP, he's been fine with everyone but her and his reaction (when he said can we not talk & just have a nice evening) suggests he knows full well he's being off with her & somethings up but he doesn't want to discuss it with her.

How is saying that OP deserves better and pointing out it's seriously shit behavior that implies something has happened whilst away scaremongering?

I know the alternative isn't great OP but you deserve to know what the hell is going on (and the truth at that, no BS).

Good luck, you can do it

Knowing about disloyal and infidelitous behaviour doesn't 'spoil' relationships.

Disloyal and infidelitous behaviour is responsible for that.

It's peculiar, this happens on threads about stag trips to other known sex-tourism hotspots as well.

OP: My partner's giving me the silent treatment, avoiding me in the bedroom, won't make eye contact, denies anything's wrong.

MN: How's he behaving around other people? What preceded this mistreatment?

OP: Fine & dandy, he's only blanking me. He's been on a stag trip.

MN: There's nothing wrong with Amsterdam/Tallinn/Bangkok! Lots of men go there for the architecture! Perhaps he's got a tummy bug or [insert other unlikely cause of unilateral shit behaviour.]

How is that supposed to help an OP with a suddenly dismal relationship, exactly?

Couldn't people try and keep their travelogue contributions for the travel threads, and make relationship comments on Relationships?

Sorry, OP, no specific advice for you except to be tougher and more persistent than you ever thought you could be: you don't deserve this treatment and do deserve to know why he's giving it out.

Let's just say that he had a private dance at one of these clubs, paid for a lady but got a ladyboy and just doesn't want to say?