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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me partner just attacked am in shock

258 replies

yummytummy · 20/04/2013 22:38

Unfortunately an ongoing thing had been taking steps to leave but things calmed down.

Just tried to talk about a fight we had yesterday I started v calm then he didn't like what I waz saying got agitated then pushed me onto sofa hard then pulled my legs and was dragging me around I tried to get him off and ripped his top then of course I am the crazy one and I started attacking him for no reason.

Then he said wd kill me if I phoned police kids are asleep he is refusing to leave what do I do plz help

OP posts:
turbochildren · 22/04/2013 16:21

and ditto about the SS and children's services. As far as they are concerned he is the biggest threat to your children's safety. they will only need to reassess should he move back in. I was flabbergasted to hear this, but it gave me extra strength. Keep well, all of the sane world is on your side!

Lottapianos · 22/04/2013 16:23

yummytummy, you have been amazing through all this! I got rid of my violent ex after about 20 attempts - I wish I had stuck with it the first time.

Yes you can leave the washing. For as long as you like (within reason!) No-one else gives a fig about it. It's your home, your rules from now on. I remember the first time I went out with my friends without my ex ringing my phone constantly or stalking me on the street, it felt like coming out of prison. Take time to notice the little things that are changing already, and the tiny freedoms that you have already. You deserve them. Your life is already starting to get better in tiny little ways, and there will be millions more.

You're being so brave and you are absolutely doing the right thing for your children Thanks

Lueji · 22/04/2013 16:49

That SS are going is good.
Make sure to get them on your side and help you and the children get rid of this waste of space for good.

Original poster
yummytummy · 22/04/2013 19:54

Hi anyone about am feeling awful. Evenings are worst as its when he wd come home and if a normal day wd at least have company. Feel weird and alone and a bit silly for missing him. Its hard as have been together for a really long time so dont know how to be without him aargh am doing my own head in

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 22/04/2013 20:02

It's totally normal to feel like this. Habits take a long time to break. This will pass, eventually, and you will feel strong and fulfilled in your own company, with whatever new life you build yourself.

But it is so soon now, give yourself some slack. You have every reason to feel all over the place right now. (((hug)))

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 22/04/2013 20:10

Hello. I am in this boat with you. My abusive partner was made to leave six weeks ago, and I have had to do what you are doing. I did things I never thought I was capable of, but always feeling panicky and in a state of shock. You will find you go randomly up and down like a rollercoaster, a day or an hour when you sort income support, or clean the kitchen, and then a day or an hour when you sit staring frozen at the walls wondering what the hell happened to your life. Slowly, slowly the better bits start stringing themselves together, and things get done. You will get there. You CAN do it, just not all at once. Be kind to yourself. Definitely phone a local DV support service and they will be amazing. Or call women's aid, you do not have to solve this alone. And I changed my locks despite it being a joint ownership, and the police didn't bat an eye when I told them. They will be far more concerned for your safety, and frankly you need for your sanity to know he can not just come through the door at 3am. Lastly, if he does show up, call 999.
You've got this far, just keep going.

Sunnywithshowers · 22/04/2013 20:10

There's no need to feel silly. I missed my abusive XH for some time after we split, and cried when the divorce was finalised.

Be kind to yourself lovely, you're doing brilliantly. Big hugs xx

cjel · 22/04/2013 21:06

I left mine nearly 2yrs ago and saw his car on the way home today and was crying when I got in!! Its normal - go with the flow

LittleYellowBall · 22/04/2013 21:16

I left my horrid DH just before christmas. I am so, so much happier overall, but that doesn't stop me having a little cry now and again.

thistlelicker · 22/04/2013 21:34

Where in the country are you op? Have u considered telling your family yet?! Even if ur family disown u- you always have the people here! Whether its to vent frustration or talk about your feelings. Somebody is always here! This is the first step! A major step in being free! To live your life the way u want to ! To provide a stable and loving environment for your dc !! You are very brave! You love your kids and want the best for them! So think about yourself! They need u here, not dead because of that horrid man. Well done for your courage and bravery! Holding your hand xxx

Mabelface · 23/04/2013 11:44

Just seeing how you're doing today x

Original poster
yummytummy · 23/04/2013 11:56

Am ok thanks just waiting for ss woman who is late and not answering mobile aaargh. Felt bit better today as it was sunny on school run and one of mums complemented my hair. Such a small thing but I never hear a nice thing ever.

I do start to get v upset at times esp when kids asleep and ds keeps asking for his dad and missing him and how many sleeps till he comes home. Its heartbreaking

OP posts:
Original poster
yummytummy · 23/04/2013 11:58

Also hard at night as dd woke twice and usually he gets up with them as they settle better and he can get back to sleep easier than me. Hard being alone

OP posts:
LittleYellowBall · 23/04/2013 12:05

Hard being alone, but it gets easier.

Hard being with him, and it gets harder.

BabyHMummy · 23/04/2013 12:08

Yummy you are going brilliantly and yay for the compliment on the school run!!!

Its not gonna be an easy time but you are doing the right thing and you you need to focus on that.

Hugs Xxx

Mabelface · 23/04/2013 12:29

You're doing brilliantly, and every little compliment helps. Make sure you accept them. Grin You'll soon find your groove and routine. xxx

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 23/04/2013 13:13

LittleYellowBall has hit the nail on the head there.

If you get the chance get into the sun for 30 minutes today - that vitamin D will help build up your immune system and give you an increased sense of well being.

I know it's hard but I really think you can do this. You sound like a strong woman.

Jux · 23/04/2013 16:26

Yummy, you are being so strong.

I hope SS can help you and that the meeting went OK.

You can do this.

BabyHMummy · 23/04/2013 20:26

How did it go with ss hun

chipmonkey · 23/04/2013 20:29

The thing is, no-one is abusive all the time. If he'd hit you on the first date, you'd hardly have gone on another one so I'm sure he could be charming and lovely when he wanted to be. You're going to miss the charming illusionist but not the real person.

Original poster
yummytummy · 23/04/2013 21:04

Ss were gd v supportive and gd to go through options. But am a bit worried as they have to talk to ds at school. I think to see effect on him? Just makes me think if he is affected now it will only get worse so strengthens my resolve.

Also happy as planning to wear a top tomorrow which he always said made melook even ffatter but I always liked it. So pathetic I know.

Thanks for asking after me it really helps to feel less alone

OP posts:
BabyHMummy · 23/04/2013 21:15

Get you being a rebel!! Go for it hun. You can now do all the things he told you you couldn't do and bloody well enjoy it.

Ss need to be sure your ds hasn't been harmed physically. It isn't enough to take ur word that he has or hasn't. Its purely routine sweetie. They are trained to be gentle so ds will be fine.

You are not alone hun. Just look at he number of posts on here cheering you on for doing this!!

Do get in touch with support groups in ur area though hun as u r gonna need rl support too. Nothing beats a cuppa and agood bitching session with a pal to make u feel stronger and more resolved to carry on.

Jux · 23/04/2013 22:55

Oh splendid! Wearing a top you like and he didn't is a great move!

Don't worry about SS and ds. They'll be lovely to him, and they do need to have a chat with him, not to villify you, but just to see what he says so they know if there's further support they can offer.

As they know you're not going to have ex back, and that you are therefore protecting ds, they won't need to do more than keep talking to you and making sure they're offering you the help you need, in quantity and quality. They can point you in the direction of support groups (as can your gp, CAB and WA).

Use them to get what rl help you need. They are actually your friends. And talking to ds may have an effect on the sort of contact ds has with ex.

chipmonkey · 24/04/2013 00:24

Oh, wear all the clothes he hated, one on top of the other! And SS are only looking out for you and ds, that's their job.

cjel · 24/04/2013 09:44

Morning Yummy, Bet your hair looks good again this morning? how you doing?