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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

please help me partner just attacked am in shock

258 replies

yummytummy · 20/04/2013 22:38

Unfortunately an ongoing thing had been taking steps to leave but things calmed down.

Just tried to talk about a fight we had yesterday I started v calm then he didn't like what I waz saying got agitated then pushed me onto sofa hard then pulled my legs and was dragging me around I tried to get him off and ripped his top then of course I am the crazy one and I started attacking him for no reason.

Then he said wd kill me if I phoned police kids are asleep he is refusing to leave what do I do plz help

OP posts:

Report

Anniegetyourgun · 21/04/2013 09:48

Your little boy is crying now because his morning isn't going as expected ie going swimming with mummy and daddy. That's just a short-term frustration thing, not serious distress. His daddy is still alive and will no doubt see him again at some point (though I hope under supervision). His daddy isn't even banged up in prison, even if I for one think he jolly well should be; he's just been kept away for a night. He would cry just as much if daddy was genuinely working or had got drunk and stayed over at a friend's.

But just think how much that little boy would cry if he couldn't see his mummy because... well, you know what I'm talking about. That wouldn't just be a one night thing. That would be for a lot longer and potentially for ever. That is a risk you cannot, must not take.

RhondaJean · 21/04/2013 10:46

Sweetheart I have been reading your threads for years and I know it's not the done thing to bring up other threads but I think for once it's called for.

This is the man who regularly assaults you. This is the man who beat you up when you were pregnant with his child. This is the man who abuses you verbally in front of your children and treats you like something he stood in.

I understand you are scared. I get it. I understand you dont want to upset your children. But you cannot let this man continue to live with you and them. Eventually yes I believe he may kill you, and before that, he will damage your children irrepairably and warp their views of future relationships.

You were stronger than you thought you could be last night. Dig deep and find a little more strength. I'll repeat the women's aid number for you.

0808 2000 247

Free and 24 hours. Be strong x

Coffeeformeplease · 21/04/2013 11:08

Rhonda I hoped it was just the beginning of DV.
OP I hope you called WA and are somewhere safe now, alone with your children.

Stellarella123 · 21/04/2013 11:26

Iv just looked back at your previous threads, it has been going on for a while, this is your chance to go, if no one from family supports you you'll get support from woman's aid and you will make friends,also you will meet people who are in the same position as you, this is your chance to change your life, go for it, otherwise you will look back and regret not going while you can, you CAN do this,

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/04/2013 11:31

Your boy will cry a lot harder if you're killed by daddy.

Please use this as your chance to escape.

We're all rooting for you

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 21/04/2013 12:11

Sorry to be a bitch but why are you in shock, really? He has been attacking you for years and years by past posts - he is an abuser. Lots of your threads start 'things had been calmer I thought' or similar, well that's the abuser's pattern isn't it? Things will never be ok between you, he will always be a violent, abusive bastard and you need to open your eyes to that fact. He will also be teaching your son to be an abuser when he grows up and your daughter to accept abuse. Is that what you want for them?

yummytummy · 21/04/2013 12:36

Ehric there is really no need for the tough approach i get it and have made the first steps. At this stage I need support not harshness

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 21/04/2013 12:39

And you are doing really well. I know it's hard - been there. Just remember the nicey nicey routine they go into after an attack is just nosey of the abuse cycle - it's not real, he isn't really sorry, he doesn't really love you.

Stay strong, talk to women's aid, talk to your health visitor, talk to the dv unit. You can do this. Just keep going.

JaquelineHyde · 21/04/2013 12:42

Yummy I think you need both the softly softly approach and the tough approach, both are a form of support.

Use everything you are offered and make sure you move forward as this cannot go on for much longer, you will either break or be broken and neither of these conclusions will be good for your children!

LadyBeagleEyes · 21/04/2013 12:43

Sorry Op but what Ehric said.
You have had the same advice and understanding over and over again , I recognised your name straight away.
Clearly you're not listening, so maybe Ehric's 'tough approach' is what you need.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 21/04/2013 12:53

I'm not blaming you yummy, I'm just trying to help you open your eyes to reality. You are not to blame for his abuse but you must accept that it won't stop.
I'm pleased to hear you are making steps. From your op it sounded like you had put them on hold because once again 'things calmed down'

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/04/2013 12:56

It's a lot easier to say to someone than to do though.

Yes, it's true & very clear from the outside but the nature of abuse is a tricky one & ruins your ability to think clearly by the end.

OP sounds like she's starting to really get it with this near miss anyway. Best of luck

Jux · 21/04/2013 13:30

Please ring WA. Ask them about keeping him away from the house, not returning tomorrow.

Phone the police on 101 and ask them too.

You did absolutely the right thing, cpngratulations. It is really hard to do, and must be doubly so when both your families have the attitude they do. You would probably - in the long run - be much better off if you were to go somewhere else completely. WA can help you do that. A refuge would keep you safe, and keep your children safe.

Find out how to ensure he doesn't come back to you tomorrow though. That's the first priority.

yonisparechangemr · 21/04/2013 15:47

Op have been thinking of you all day

How are you? X

BasilBabyEater · 21/04/2013 16:02

You've done the right thing.

Please believe that.

Please don't let go of that knowledge - that you've done the right thing.

No matter what he says or his family says, or what your family say, you have done the right thing.

And you can continue to do that - call Women's Aid, get an injunction, get him prosecuted, keep remembering that you're doing the right thing and in fact the only thing that you can do for your future and your children's future.

If you hold on to that and keep determined, this time next year you and your children will be free. Imagine that. You'll be free. You'll wonder why you ever thought you had to put up with him, why you ever had any doubts. Keep that goal in mind - your freedom. And you'll be setting your children free too, You and them will be able to develop into being the people you can be instead of being stunted by this damaged, brutal man.

yummytummy · 21/04/2013 16:06

Ok they are going to release him to a different address so he isnt coming home. Feels strange. They want to prprosecute for his earlier offences whichhe has admadmitted to them by himself. He cant contact me either or will break his bail

Hav I done right thing.? Feels weird and hav noone to talk to

OP posts:

Hissy · 21/04/2013 16:07

Litsen Up vipers people!

NOW is not the time to berate yummy FGS!

Yummy, you are not alone, this has happened to many of us, and you need to know we believe and accept you. You need to know that you do have to get yourself and your DC out, you need to know that you will be ok, life will get better when you are free of this monster.

Please keel talking to us, please don't go back underground for the sake of a couple of fools who don't have the first idea of what you're going through.

If you are in danger, please call the police, your so called P can't kill you (threat to do so is an offense in itself) if he's banged up.

Be strong, all of this will fade away into the background, but not until you take that one step towards freedom.

I am 2 years out. I can't tell you the transformation in that short time. You can have that to.

Hissy · 21/04/2013 16:07

Sorry for spellos, on phone!

AlfalfaMum · 21/04/2013 16:10

Yes, you have done the right thing definitely. Stay strong and don't keep second guessing yourself.
This horrible nasty man threatened to kill you. Don't ever forget that.

BasilBabyEater · 21/04/2013 16:12

Wow, it's brilliant that they aren't allowing him to come back to your home.

Just brilliant.

Yes, yes, yes, you've done the right thing.

Keep going!

KansasCityOctopus · 21/04/2013 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler · 21/04/2013 16:16

Well done. Great that he's admitted it ( I give him no credit got doing so, really he had no choice) this means you won't have to give evidence. Don't fold now. You've done the hardest part - it does feel weird. I've been there. But god the relief nearly three months on. You can do this. Honestly you can.

yummytummy · 21/04/2013 16:17

Its so strange to finally be taken seriouslyafter yrs of being told Is all my fault and I am crazy fat stupidvugly etc. The polpolice def do not want him here and its so nice to feel someone is protecting me and kids

OP posts:

BasilBabyEater · 21/04/2013 16:20

You're entering a different world now YT.

One where people will take you seriously and believe that you matter.

Get on to Women's Aid and they'll get you on the Freedom Programme, where you can learn how to ensure that you only ever get involved with people in that world where you matter.

OxfordBags · 21/04/2013 16:20

No-one is berating the OP, Hissy. Every post is on her side and supportive and urging her to keep herself safe.

yummytummy, you have TOTALLY done the right thing. It's also amazing that he has admitted to earlier crimes against you, your case will be so strong.

It does, however, show that he knows he has been abusing you for years; chosing to hurt, terrify, manipulate and upset you, chosing to do that knowing how bad it is for the DC to grow up with that.

Hold onto that when you waver; even if you start doubting it's abuse, he admits it is. You have done brilliantly and are so strong, just stay strong and look after yourself and your lovely DC.

Flip

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