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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me partner just attacked am in shock

258 replies

yummytummy · 20/04/2013 22:38

Unfortunately an ongoing thing had been taking steps to leave but things calmed down.

Just tried to talk about a fight we had yesterday I started v calm then he didn't like what I waz saying got agitated then pushed me onto sofa hard then pulled my legs and was dragging me around I tried to get him off and ripped his top then of course I am the crazy one and I started attacking him for no reason.

Then he said wd kill me if I phoned police kids are asleep he is refusing to leave what do I do plz help

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/04/2013 07:12

Hope you are ok this morning. Really glad they took him away last night.

bella2012 · 21/04/2013 07:39

Haven't posted on here for months but logged on to say well done for your courage last night. Please make that first step count- do not allow him back in your house and your life. You need some help though- you said family are miles away, but surely in this circumstance they would drop everything to come? Do not feel ashamed to tell people in real life- this is NOT your fault. You have been so brave- get some help and stay strong for your children.

Original poster
yummytummy · 21/04/2013 07:51

Am regretting it now ds woke up and v upset dad not there as we had promised to take kids swimming. He saw dads car still here and work bag here so didnt believe when I said he at work. Ds is 5. Said wd take him anyway but he is crying where has daddy gone. Shit what hav I done shdnt hav rang them

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 21/04/2013 07:58

Just because a 5 year old is upset doesn't mean you were wrong to have a man who was threatening to kill you removed from your home.

5 year olds don't get a say in decisions like that.

Your job is to protect him. Not make sure he's never upset about anything.

Lueji · 21/04/2013 07:59

No, darling.
He shouldn't have assaulted you.
He has done this to his child.
NOT YOU.

Do remember this.
He did it.

You are protecting yourself and your child.
Next time, it could be in front of your DS, or he could be hit by an accident.

ArtVandelay · 21/04/2013 07:59

Come on, stop that. You have done the right thing and a courageous thing. Make a clean break now and whilst your DS is going to need some help in the short term, you are giving him.the chance to grow up happy and normal.

I think you are very strong - I was very relieved to log on this morning and see you'd called the police. Please remain strong - you said yourself you wanted to escape anyway so please make this a new start for you. I bet in a few months you won't look back, you'll be so much happier.

Coffeeformeplease · 21/04/2013 08:00

Yummy, he threatened to KILL you!
Of course you did the right thing. I would never ever let him in again or be alone with him. Would get locks changed NOW and pack his things, put them outside the door or somewhere he can get them.
You were in serious danger last night and are here to reflect on it now, next time you might not be so lucky.

Lizzabadger · 21/04/2013 08:02

The best thing you can do for you son is make sure he does not grow up with a violent man in the house.

The swimming isn't important in the scheme of things.

tribpot · 21/04/2013 08:03

It's hardly your fault you can't tell your ds the truth: 'Daddy hit mummy and said if she called the police he would kill her. Unfortunately both of those things are illegal and threaten your safety too, so mummy did call the police and they've arrested him'.

And I agree with the others - your hand has been forced. You now basically have to make your escape, so get on with it and don't look back.

tribpot · 21/04/2013 08:05

And btw last night you had no-one to call. Now you do. Tell your friends, tell your parents. Don't let him hide behind your embarrassment. The more real you make this now, the less chance there is for him to control you through fear later.

Original poster
yummytummy · 21/04/2013 08:06

Dont hav anyone who could come my family said they wd disown me if I involved cpolice and my inlaws will go balistic ifcthey find out I have dared to ring police. None of family really believe me or want to hear it whwn I tell stuff about what he does. He is v charming with everybody and a shit tocme

OP posts:
ImNotCute · 21/04/2013 08:09

You did the right thing last night, do not regret it.

Of course your ds is a little confused and upset but you need to think longer term about what is right for you and your family. Good luck.

CabbageLeaves · 21/04/2013 08:10

You need to get support. If family won't provide it then get women's aid onside. No one should live in fear of physical violence. You need to separate from this violent man

Coffeeformeplease · 21/04/2013 08:13

I am really sorry to read the last post. He picked the right victim then, didn't he? No immediate relatives believe you so he can do whatever he wants with you? I can't write the swearwords that come to my mind, they're even beyond MN lenient rules.
But I can also offer an unMN ((hug))
Tell your parents, tell your in-laws, even if they start spitting, just hang up, but do not keep quiet about it, please. It gives him power over you and you've done so well last night.

Coffeeformeplease · 21/04/2013 08:18

PS. I grew up with a violent step-father, please don't do this to your children! Of course they love him, children's love is completely unconditional, they will always love him. But don't stay in a violent relationship because you think he will never harm them. Letting them see (and feel/sense) him harming you will cause emotional damage to them. Be strong and show them that violence is not tolerated! You don't want your son to grow up believing that violence towards women is acceptable.

Ledkr · 21/04/2013 08:21

I also think its not great to let him back in.
He will kick off again later.
My boy was two when I left his extremely violent father.
His life was fucked up by what he saw.
He us 27 now and although I love him he's done nothing with his life and smokes copious amounts of weed.
Do not underestimate the damage that will be done to your child if you stay.
The police will Advise you further when they bring him home.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/04/2013 08:21

Well done for calling the police. Don't worry about your little boy being upset. He's probably just picking up on your fear and anxiety and, who knows, he could have heard you being attacked as well. Children are very sensitive and often know when something is very badly wrong.

Before the police release him, how about calling Womens Aid. 0808 2000 247 Tell them what happened, that you're frightened about him coming back, and ask if they can recommend a place to stay or give you some advice what to do next. I think it would be a terrible idea to be under the same roof now that he's shown his true colours. I'm very sorry that your family & inlaws would 'disown' you for being the victim of a criminal assault. They sound incredibly uncaring, ignorant & you'd be far better off without the lot of them.

Get professional help in restarting your life fresh. Hope you're OK and good luck

Altinkum · 21/04/2013 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coffeeformeplease · 21/04/2013 08:27

Yes, please, PLEASE ring Women's Aid! They will give you good advice. Come on, you've done it last night to ring 999, that was the big step, now it's only getting better! Ring them now!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/04/2013 08:29

0808 2000 247

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 21/04/2013 08:44

Please call women's aid, they will help you xxxx

Wishiwasanheiress · 21/04/2013 08:50

How are u op? Thinking of u. Stay strong. U were right to call police.

Chubfuddler · 21/04/2013 08:53

Don't take him back. He will punish you - no matter how contrite he may be (because someone bigger and nastier than him - the police - has told him off) deep down he believes he has fine nothing wrong and had every right to treat you in this way. And there will be worse if you take him back. I'm sorry your family aren't more supportive but that's no reason to take him bank either - it's your life not theirs.

The police DV unit should be able to advise you about getting an occupation order etc. you've done the hardest part now you just need to go with the momentum you've set in train. You've done the right thing by you and your children. Five year olds cry. They get over it. He'll cry a lot more if daddy kills mummy and he ends up in care.

OxfordBags · 21/04/2013 09:25

Your child will be damaged forever growing up with a father who abuses his mother. You must get out of thinking about right now and consider the long-term. Your child will not thank you for being abused just to keep his father in the home. That was a horrible thing he did to you, please don't minimise it now you've slept on it.

Stellarella123 · 21/04/2013 09:34

Tell all the family etc and if they disown you then they must be terrible people and not worth having, you can do this, your emotions are all over the place, remember that relieved feeling when he left, I would see if the council could get you a place, or through women's aid,
If you are scared if this man at all then it's not right, he will come home sorry and saying everything tou want to hear, but its just a front, you deserve better, take kids out a walk or somewhere to take there minds off not getting to swimming, but please phone women's aid they will help you take the next steps, think of your kids- whatever you put up with now will make it acceptable in your kids eyes, x