What do i do?

[pedrohedges]

Hi all!

Oh took it upon himself to walk out of his job a year ago, for no particular reason other than he just didn't want to do it anymore.
It was good money, good hours and practically on our doorstep.

Luckily i had a little part time job and my boss increased my hours for me when another member of staff left. We also have 3 children so my wage and our tax credits are keeping us afloat...just. He still expects rump steak for his tea though ffs!

My problem is that he's turned lazy. He still thinks that i should take the kids to school, clean, wash his clothes etc.. Well i've had about as much as i can take from him.

I'm being bullied awfully at work at the moment and my home life is just as bad. I just don't know what the heck to do.

The straw that broke the camels back happened today.
I sorted the kids out, got them sent to school, went to work. I gave him a call around 11am to ask if he could put some washing on the line for me. He couldn't because he was playing golf!!! fucking golf!!!
I came home on my dinner and had to make him a sandwich, while he just laid there on my laptop watching the sky tv that i work damn hard for. It's really starting to grate.

He does no housework at all, he calls me in work telling me to do things for him and that drives my boss mental.

Tonight i asked him if i could watch my program on tv and he stomped off to bed in a mood. Arghhhh i don't know what the hell to do!!??

Give him a clear time frame to up his game. Be explicit about how not just "you have to treat me better" or "you have to help out more"

Unless he is prepared to sit down and work out a proper plan and timetable of how he is going to contribute to the smooth running of his own family you are wasting your breath

In the meantime, you can be planning your exit properly.

I'll write a list of what i plan to say. I'm nervous about his reaction. I hope he doesn't tell me to fuck off. I hope he fights for our family.

Oh my lord, I've read about some cocklodgers on here before but your OH takes the biscuit, OP :(

Stay strong - I am 100% sure you'll do better on your own. More money to spend on what's important (ie, not golf), and less stress.

If he does, you know what to do and you know what he really thinks of you

Are you saying the car comes before you and the dc? Who is paying for its insurance, tax, petrol? Your money i suppose. Or family savings he plans to spend until its gone on himself.

Personally I would stop trying to fix him with ideas of how he can start a business etc. that's for him to sort out, not you to support him whilst he messes about. He must have a deadline. It must be soon, with specifics, like doctors, job, 50/50 housework, no more crap from his family etc etc.

Don't let him start to blame you or rubbish you. If he starts to be abusive and shout, retire gracefully, and make a big list of the stuff you have to do to leave.

Really hope it works out for you.

If you've put up with this much already then I bet his reaction isn't very nice (as he'll think he can get away with it). Or he'll be completely remorseful well, pretend to be

And as for love, that is not how you treat someone you really love.

And he knows it.

His mother just turned up, i asked her to leave which i have never done before. She wasn't happy about it but i need to sort my head out before he comes home.

He'll be fuming when he finds out that i sent her packing, she'll ring him and let him know too.

Well done.

Just do what you have to do.

It sounds like you're having a bit of a realization period I hope so anyway

You can do better & you deserve better (even being single is much better than this).

I feel a bit frightened for you, actually

If he gets physically intimidating, take the kids and go. Or call the police to remove him.

If he simply gets arsey and blames you, wrap that pointless communication up and get to work on your exit plan

Hope your chat with him goes okay!

Don't let him make you feel shit and turn it all on you.

Good luck OP

Pedro, are you okay?

Deep breaths OP
Dont worry about going it alone as you are already doing it all !
I know you have had probs in the past but you sound pretty resilient to me to cope with everything.
Get it sorted out on your terms
... By the way.. Golf isn't cheap, either!

Hope you are ok Pedro.

come back when you can, Pedro x

I'm having visions of Pedro in the Jag driving over those golf clubs swearing at his mother in her best glottal working class accent.

How are you OP?

How did you get on?

I told him that if he doesn't start helping me then he can get out. I wrote a large list of things of things in our life that i want to change.
I have cancelled SKY sports, i didn't want to cancel the rest because i love Sky 1

He made tea both nights and promised he will change. Fingers crossed he will but i am very doubtful.

I will admit that our discussion did get pretty heated, he called me a slut and said i was dumb. I also need to see a shrink apparently. But i will let that slide for the good of the family.

I hope i am doing the right thing x

He called you a slut?

Pedro, I long for the day you realise this man (and any who calls their partner these things) is a piece of shit.
We'd all fucking like to stop working our fingers to the bone and still live like kings but we don't. He is banking on you repeating the mantra of "but I love him."
Accusing you of needing mental help is yet another tactic to make you feel like a worthless, unintelligent turd.
You sound really nice, I hope you get rid of this waster.

Oh dear! I really can't see much about that that's good for your family. I'd be re-writing that list if I were you. In fact, there was a thread not long ago on a Bill of Rights, listing what you should expect for yourself. I can't link as I'm on the bus but it was within the last couple of months, under Relationships. Worth a look.

I probably do need mental help. I'm so down all the time.

Depression? Caused by him making you feel like shit all the time? Seriously, if you do feel like that, go see your GP.