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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do i do?

193 replies

pedrohedges · 16/04/2013 22:39

Hi all!

Oh took it upon himself to walk out of his job a year ago, for no particular reason other than he just didn't want to do it anymore.
It was good money, good hours and practically on our doorstep.

Luckily i had a little part time job and my boss increased my hours for me when another member of staff left. We also have 3 children so my wage and our tax credits are keeping us afloat...just. He still expects rump steak for his tea though ffs!

My problem is that he's turned lazy. He still thinks that i should take the kids to school, clean, wash his clothes etc.. Well i've had about as much as i can take from him.

I'm being bullied awfully at work at the moment and my home life is just as bad. I just don't know what the heck to do.

The straw that broke the camels back happened today.
I sorted the kids out, got them sent to school, went to work. I gave him a call around 11am to ask if he could put some washing on the line for me. He couldn't because he was playing golf!!! fucking golf!!!
I came home on my dinner and had to make him a sandwich, while he just laid there on my laptop watching the sky tv that i work damn hard for. It's really starting to grate.

He does no housework at all, he calls me in work telling me to do things for him and that drives my boss mental.

Tonight i asked him if i could watch my program on tv and he stomped off to bed in a mood. Arghhhh i don't know what the hell to do!!??

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:49

Sorry, i have to pop out for a minute and collect my kids from school. Thank you for all your replies x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 14:50

Doe she ever stick up for you when his mother treats you like shit ?

I guess not. I can see where he gets his cunty ways from.

It doesn't change the fact though that he has no right to speak to you like this. He is damaging your children by treating their mother badly, and I am sorry love, but you are going along with it.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 14:50

does he

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:51

She does it to him too, he's had 36 years of it.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 17/04/2013 14:52

You are essentially a single parent anyway, with another man-baby as well!

Your life could only be easy without him, surely, as well as financially better off, and with no nasty inlaws.

bleedingheart · 17/04/2013 14:53

He is an absolute disgrace.

You clearly can do it alone because you are managing now. Who has told you these messages that you are incapable, small, not educated etc? Was it him by any chance?? He has made a decision that affects the whole family and is not prepared to discuss it or support you. I am absolutely disgusted by his selfish behaviour.

Pedro, you obviously love him although its hard to see why. I think he has to have an ultimatum. Mummy can put him up if he doesn't like it.

This simply isn't sustainable.

MsBuzz · 17/04/2013 14:57

maybe his mum would like him back??

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 15:00

OK, you are in a situation with a man who is middle class and according to what you say very smart but his mother and therefore probably his siblings look down on you. That's nothing too unusual but the fact that they are hanging about during the day is far from normal.

By all accounts his mother instigates the undermining and verbal nitpicking and you say she doesn't like you. It sounds as though his mother may be the root of his depression if she has such a hold on him. It may be that he needs to face her.

In the meantime however, your mental health is being put at risk. He may be depressed but his behaviour and his family's is putting you under further strain. As it is you must be exhausted. I think if you don't do something now you will be really trapped.

Perhaps you need to think about why you begged him to come back? Did you have any other friends or support (or MN)?

bleedingheart · 17/04/2013 15:00

I'd missed your later posts about his mum.

He wasn't a great person until he gave up his job then was he? Leaving you when you had PND and making you beg for him to return? Allowing his mother to berate you and act like snob towards you?

I must admit I wanted to laugh at their ridiculousness in looking down on you for being working class. Do they think being middle class means they don't have to work?!
I wouldn't be at all surprised if you are depressed

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 15:07

I have experienced a similar situation which led to suicide (in the man) but nobody confronted the parents. I think the showdown needs to be with the parents and not with him. I think it would be wasted on him because he is also oppressed and nothing will change until his relationship with her changes.

I have a similar problem with DP and I refused to accept her behaviour (towards both of us, not just me) and faced up to it directly. DP supported me and we hardly see them now which suits us fine. When we do see them they are civilised.

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 15:08

I agree with bleedingheart that your depression is due to your relationship.

Custardmiteofglut · 17/04/2013 15:41

Could you use the in-laws to your advantage and ask them to support you in a family intervention?

If MIL thinks he is depressed and his family have watched him gain 6 stone in a year from eating the food you've been working like a dog to provide then they'd struggle to argue with your motives to help him.

Speak to the ILs and ask them to come to your house and each of them explain their concerns about him and how they'd like him to help himself get better, lose weight and start to provide again for his DW and DC.

If his mental health issues can be tackled maybe he will turn a corner. Alternatively he (and maybe his family too) will say he is fine and he'll carry on being an arse and putting you down, which is not sustainable for you or your DC.

Lavenderhoney · 17/04/2013 15:50

I'm not surprised you cry at the drop of a hat. The situation you are in is dreadful for you and your dc. The only one who can change it for the better is you. He isn't going to, and neither are his parents.

He won't see a doctor, yet carries on this circus, his mum says he's depressed and you must let him carry on, and they all sit round your house making you miserable and feel a failure.

Well you aren't, as you bring up all your dc alone, you hold down a job where you have a good relationship with your boss and you have the patience and tolerance of a saint. The last bit is only necessary round you dc in your case.

Could you go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand financially? With the house and so on? And call women's aid too, for practical advice. I wouldn't tell him. It's not up to him. In fact, the only other option is he clears off to his mums for a trial separation starting today. Which doesn't stop you getting legal advice and arranging pick up for the dc on the days you don't work.

Op, you are worth more than this, and are better off alone than with him. He is destroying you:(

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 15:53

I would be crying all the time if I lived like this Sad

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:03

He doesn't understand what i do for this family! I work a job i hate, i scrub this house all the time, i even walk the streets delivering bloody leaflets so my daughter can have a maths tutor.

I'm getting angry now but i feel like crying too.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 16:06

Why would he "understand" ?

he doesn't give a shit as long as you keep doing it

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:07

If i didn't do it, nobody would. Then the family would suffer.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 16:09

Carry on doing it, for your kids, of course

Him ? Get shut of him, your life will be easier.

I don't think you are ready to hear it though. What frightens me, however, is just how badly does he have to treat you before you decide enough is enough ?

skaboy · 17/04/2013 16:09

Really feel for you. I'm getting out of a similar situation with some mitigating circumstances. For years it built up until I pretty much had nothing left for myself. Selfish people will take and take if you let them. Don't let it go on too long - always keep back something of yourself. You're probably too good natured and forgiving for your own good.

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:11

We have been together for 16 years, he's all i know.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 16:12

Your kids are all you need

Really.

You are used to the crapness, that is all. It's like changing an ingrained habit. You don't love him...you just think you can't manage.

But you can, and you should.

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 16:15

I think you may also be suffering from exhaustion. That will affect your mood too.

Remember also that if you do leave him you make space for simeone better - you won't be alone forever.

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:15

My kids are amazing. They keep me going. My 12 year old lad is nothing like his father, he's so kind and helpful.
He helps me with the housework and doesn't ask for anything. I'm so proud of all my kids.
My Oh is going to loose a lovely family who loves him.

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:16

His father did the same, he left MIL when her kids were small. He was lazy but worked. Now he's on his own, he's lonely and regrets leaving.

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 16:17

Typo. You don't have to shack up with a bloke named Simeon.