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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do i do?

193 replies

pedrohedges · 16/04/2013 22:39

Hi all!

Oh took it upon himself to walk out of his job a year ago, for no particular reason other than he just didn't want to do it anymore.
It was good money, good hours and practically on our doorstep.

Luckily i had a little part time job and my boss increased my hours for me when another member of staff left. We also have 3 children so my wage and our tax credits are keeping us afloat...just. He still expects rump steak for his tea though ffs!

My problem is that he's turned lazy. He still thinks that i should take the kids to school, clean, wash his clothes etc.. Well i've had about as much as i can take from him.

I'm being bullied awfully at work at the moment and my home life is just as bad. I just don't know what the heck to do.

The straw that broke the camels back happened today.
I sorted the kids out, got them sent to school, went to work. I gave him a call around 11am to ask if he could put some washing on the line for me. He couldn't because he was playing golf!!! fucking golf!!!
I came home on my dinner and had to make him a sandwich, while he just laid there on my laptop watching the sky tv that i work damn hard for. It's really starting to grate.

He does no housework at all, he calls me in work telling me to do things for him and that drives my boss mental.

Tonight i asked him if i could watch my program on tv and he stomped off to bed in a mood. Arghhhh i don't know what the hell to do!!??

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 16/04/2013 23:27

Wonder, if i gave up work i wouldn't be able to claim any benefits. My kids are aged 7 upwards. That's what i thought anyway.

I want to fight for my family, for my OH. I'm hoping he's just in a rut and will snap out of it. He used to be lovely. His weight gain doesn't bother me (other than the effect on his health).

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 16/04/2013 23:28

I'm absolutely not an expert wonder so that's why I suggested getting advice.

As I see it, it's more about quality of care rather than who's got a job or not. Jobs can change, parents attitudes / behaviour less so. Whether kids would be in childcare or not I don't think would be taken into account.

Original poster
pedrohedges · 16/04/2013 23:35

I feed, clothe, bath, sort them for school and put them to bed at night. He has recently been picking them up from school so i can do extra hours.

OP posts:
UnrequitedSkink · 16/04/2013 23:36

What do you think he'd say if you offered him an ultimatum - either shape up or ship out?

First off, even if you're not ready to LTB, you HAVE to stop enabling him. Don't do the things he asks, and start making demands about the domestic chores. Does he think he's ill btw?

Original poster
pedrohedges · 16/04/2013 23:39

Unrequited. He thinks he's fine, he just doesn't care anymore, especially about the way he looks.

OP posts:
StitchAteMySleep · 16/04/2013 23:39

If you are the primary carer (school see you for school run, you do bedtime, lunches, weekend care etc...) then you will get residence even if you are working.

If your kids are 7 and up they can also be vocal about who is caring for them (and who they want to be with).

If he loves you and his family he will seek help for depression or cease being a lazy arse. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms he either goes to GP and starts treatment or he can get lost.

Get legal advice ASAP. The CAB can be helpful in assessing any further financial benefits you may be entitled too if you were a lone parent. Remember you can get childcare help via tax credits and reduced council tax if you are the only adult in the property.

CookieDoughKid · 16/04/2013 23:39

Show him the door. And let's see how he tries to come crawling back and get back in your good books. Especially that he hasn't got a job at the moment. This is unacceptable treatment the way you are being treated. If you do nothing, you are saying this is acceptable to him.

CookieDoughKid · 16/04/2013 23:40

BTW- I did that to my partner. And boy did he do a complete turnaround (for the better).

CookieDoughKid · 16/04/2013 23:43

Oh forgot to add, my partner also claimed 'depression'. But it's bullshit really because he saw in the cold light of day he had lost his family, had no money, no where to live and really, how life could really really be shit for him. And THEN he turned himself around trying to win me back, got a good job etc...

UnrequitedSkink · 16/04/2013 23:44

Exactly - at the moment he hasn't got any reason to change because you're taking care of all aspects of his life for him. Stop doing it (preferably by kicking him out!) and he'll either do a turnaround, or if he doesn't you're no worse off because he's never going to change!

You poor thing though. I do really feel bad for you.

cestlavielife · 16/04/2013 23:50

Are you married ?

Either he is depressed IN which case gp and go stay with mum til he better as he not doing anything round house
Or he lazy and the same he needs to go elsewhere
Or a bit of both.

If he says he is fine then he has no excuse for not doing anything.

Working has little to Do withith residence you are the one feeding clothing caring for the dc.

Original poster
pedrohedges · 16/04/2013 23:56

No not married.
His mum and dad (divorced) don't help situations. They plonk themselves on my couch on my days off. FIL always asks me to put the kettle on, never OH which annoys me.

MIL tells me that i should be supportive of OH's hobbies as he needs an outlet. Apparently he supported me for years, pfftt i worked too!

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 17/04/2013 00:19

He does actually sound depressed but he needs to get help for it.

Stop pandering to him and give him some tough love.

There is no excuse for not finding work though, we would all like time to ourselves wouldn't we?! But we all have to work and so does he.

Make an appointment for the doctor and go with him.

YellowTulips · 17/04/2013 00:27

If he wants to behave like a child send him to his mum to pander to him.

Depressed my arse. Waster more like.

He needs to step up or ship out.

Nothing much worse on having actual kids who deserve your attention being squandered on a partner who thinks he is entitled to behave like one. He is simply put a selfish bastard.

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 01:20

Well, i'm on the couch tonight! Not amused at all.

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 01:36

Why isn't he? What happened??

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 01:37

Did you mean you are sleeping on the couch?

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 01:47

I tried to talk to him, he said i don't own him and to stop trying to control him. Apparently i'm destroying his life.

I can't sleep next to him tonight. My decision.

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 01:54

Oh that's horrible for you. You must be shell shocked.

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 01:57

Do you have a plan? Apart from working all day to fund his golf and Sky?

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 02:06

I have no idea where to go from hear. I'm heart broken.

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 02:10

*here

OP posts:
hexagonal · 17/04/2013 05:52

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation myself at the moment, except we have no kids. my DP hasn't had a job since we moved in together (2 years). whenever I try to bring it up with him it turns into an argument or he just ignores me. he does do quite a lot around the house though. I am also out of work at the moment but am trying really hard to find something, anything.

he is having treatment for depression but it's not making much of a difference. I am on ADs as well but not having counselling like he is, and I have horrible anxiety. I know he's having problems but can't help but feel resentful. I really don't want us to break up over this but the longer this goes on the more resentful I feel and can't see any other way out :(

Lavenderhoney · 17/04/2013 06:06

I would ensure that your boss refuses personal calls at work unless its an emergency.

Stop running round after him, open a separate bank account and put your money into it. Stop funding his golf.

Who is doing all the redecorating and painting? Are you expected to pay for it or do it at weekends?

And tell him unless he goes to the doctor with you and shapes up he has to go, a year? You have much more patience than me.

Was he sacked or did he resign? Do you know for sure?

whyno · 17/04/2013 06:23

If he's only been like his for a year he sounds like he's clinically depressed. Perhaps try getting him help before kicking him out since its out of character? If he won't accept help then an ultimatum, or a separation until he does get help?

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