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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do i do?

193 replies

pedrohedges · 16/04/2013 22:39

Hi all!

Oh took it upon himself to walk out of his job a year ago, for no particular reason other than he just didn't want to do it anymore.
It was good money, good hours and practically on our doorstep.

Luckily i had a little part time job and my boss increased my hours for me when another member of staff left. We also have 3 children so my wage and our tax credits are keeping us afloat...just. He still expects rump steak for his tea though ffs!

My problem is that he's turned lazy. He still thinks that i should take the kids to school, clean, wash his clothes etc.. Well i've had about as much as i can take from him.

I'm being bullied awfully at work at the moment and my home life is just as bad. I just don't know what the heck to do.

The straw that broke the camels back happened today.
I sorted the kids out, got them sent to school, went to work. I gave him a call around 11am to ask if he could put some washing on the line for me. He couldn't because he was playing golf!!! fucking golf!!!
I came home on my dinner and had to make him a sandwich, while he just laid there on my laptop watching the sky tv that i work damn hard for. It's really starting to grate.

He does no housework at all, he calls me in work telling me to do things for him and that drives my boss mental.

Tonight i asked him if i could watch my program on tv and he stomped off to bed in a mood. Arghhhh i don't know what the hell to do!!??

OP posts:
2712 · 17/04/2013 06:31

Wow, I thought mine was a plank, but yours is atrocious.
He has obviously picked up his fathers habits and he expects you to act the same way his mum does by the sounds of it. Your DCs will also see this and will follow this pattern in later life, so you are doing them no favours by staying.
If you do want to make a go of it then cancel the SKY, sell his golf clubs ( I did), stop cleaning up after him, don't even make him (or his parents when they come over to doss) a cup of tea. You basically need to act as though it's just you and the DCs. I did this and he very soon got the message.
Personally, I can't see what there is in him to love anymore as he so obviously has no respect for you whatsoever and sounds like an entitled overindulged teenager.

AllOverIt · 17/04/2013 06:40

Why are you on the sofa and not him? You are enabling this behaviour. You have a choice whether to put up with this.

Kick him out.

JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 07:16

Oh I do hope you've not had a shit night on the sofa! Would he move out for a trial separation if you asked him, or just grind his heels in?

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 11:07

Morning Pedro. I hope you have a good day at work and get a chance to get some advice from a solicitor about your rights. I think the best way to get past this is as Splodger says, get him to move out for a trial separation. That will cause minimum disruption. He will hopefully settle in with his Mum and Dad again. I'm sure there will be others here soon to advise you who have been through this.

Try and save your tears for when he's gone - you need to keep it together until then. Try to detach and be business like.

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:03

Hi all. I slept quiet well considering. Today is my day off and i have a poorly DC. OH is also poorly fast asleep on the couch.

Our home is HA and both our names are on the tenancy. He wouldn't move out even if i wanted him to. I just want him to help out, if he wants me to be the bread winner then that's ok. But i shouldn't have to do everything on my own.

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 14:15

Glad you are OK. I hope he's got something deserving of sleeping on the couch at 2pm...

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:18

I don't want to be a single mum. The thought terrifies me.

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 14:25

Of your list upthread, the only thing that he does at the moment that you can't cover is picking up the kids from school. Is there an after-school club or something they could join?

All the while that he know's you're scared of being a single mum, he'll play on that and keep doing bugger all. If you, at least in your head, can remove the practical obstecles to single life, then you'll have the confidence to confront him and either get him to do more stuff or get him to move out.

Maybe see what your options would be with the HA too if you were to split - could you have a 'hyprothetically if I did this...' sort of conversation with them?

You're not far off being a single mum as it is by the sounds of it, just with an extra child thrown in.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 14:28

What's wrong with being a single mum ?

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:28

He just said everything i say is poo, my opinions are poo.
I'm gutted, he's made me feel small.

OP posts:
foofooyeah · 17/04/2013 14:28

Like someone else said I though my blooke was bad until I read this. What advice would you give someone else if they were in your situation?

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:29

Anyfucker, i think i would stuggle. He walked out and left us years ago and i had a breakdown. I don't want to go through that again. It was horrendous.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 14:29

I would rather be on my own forever than have to listen to bollocks like that.

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:30

Foofoo i would probably tell them to leave. I'm not strong enough in the head for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:31

I don't know, i have a lot of thinking to do. I feel like my life as i know it is destroyed.

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 14:31

Not only an extra child, an extra Mum and Dad thrown in who sit on the couch all day with him while you are at work.

Could you theoretically 'be together' but just not live together? He would claim benefit anyway (and possibly get re-housed) and if his depression is diagnosed he might get some kind of extra support.

My concern is that children growing up in a household with mental illness will suffer and even though he is their Dad it may be better for them that he sees them when he is well rather than them seeing him flat out on the sofa all day.

Have you never considered leaving? Is your relationship very strong?

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 14:31

Love, you need to gather lots of RL support from family and friends to help you through it.

What's so bad about being without a man ?

He's a useless piece of shit, so no good to you whatsoever. Every day you absorb emotional abuse like that you get more downtrodden.

Your children are going to start on you soon, with an example like that to follow.

wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 14:33

Sorry my post is a bit late. What happened when he left you?

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:37

He thinks i'm being a drama queen. I feel like thumping him ( i never would) .
He doesn't understand that now he's unemployed, their isn't enough money. He still thinks we can pay all the bills, spend £150 at Tesco's! We bloody can't!

It's not just his mum and dad who pop round constantly. His 3 brothers and sister do too. They're always here when i get back shattered from work. Then they expect me to wait on them hand and foot.

Mil has to stick her head in my tea and breath it in! Wtf is that about?

I should point out that OH has recently been making the family tea, that's one good point about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:39

Wonder, i suspect i had pnd and i acted like a mare. He left for 6 months until i begged him to come back. Our relationship became strong.
Now this Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 14:42

No

No relationship where you have to "beg" can ever be strong.

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:44

His mother doesn't like me, she has never said this but it is obvious.
She's very middle class and stuck up her own backside, i on the other hand am working class through and through. I suspect she's ashamed of me.
She always corrects me if i don't pronounce my T's when speaking. Even in front of company which upsets me.

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:45

I know Anyfucker, it was a low point for me.

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 17/04/2013 14:46

But you haven't got pnd now, right?

And you're far stronger than you realise - you've put up with your DH being like this for this long and not lost it yet!

Are you happier when he's not there, when he pops out or goes away?

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 14:48

Noi haven't got in now, i think i might be depressed because i cry at the drop of a hat and everything seems to be the end of the world for me.

I feel the same if he's here or out, i dunno. i'm confused.

OP posts:
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