Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do i do?

193 replies

pedrohedges · 16/04/2013 22:39

Hi all!

Oh took it upon himself to walk out of his job a year ago, for no particular reason other than he just didn't want to do it anymore.
It was good money, good hours and practically on our doorstep.

Luckily i had a little part time job and my boss increased my hours for me when another member of staff left. We also have 3 children so my wage and our tax credits are keeping us afloat...just. He still expects rump steak for his tea though ffs!

My problem is that he's turned lazy. He still thinks that i should take the kids to school, clean, wash his clothes etc.. Well i've had about as much as i can take from him.

I'm being bullied awfully at work at the moment and my home life is just as bad. I just don't know what the heck to do.

The straw that broke the camels back happened today.
I sorted the kids out, got them sent to school, went to work. I gave him a call around 11am to ask if he could put some washing on the line for me. He couldn't because he was playing golf!!! fucking golf!!!
I came home on my dinner and had to make him a sandwich, while he just laid there on my laptop watching the sky tv that i work damn hard for. It's really starting to grate.

He does no housework at all, he calls me in work telling me to do things for him and that drives my boss mental.

Tonight i asked him if i could watch my program on tv and he stomped off to bed in a mood. Arghhhh i don't know what the hell to do!!??

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:19

Wonder that made me laugh lol.

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 17/04/2013 16:20

Perhaps deep down he wants to live life alone and he is actively pushing you away?

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 16:21

I knew a Simeon once.

he was < taps nose >

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:23

He wants me to be the housewife and the bread winner. He wants to play golf and watch tv all day.

He's eaten the kids pack lunch stuff, i'm fuming.

OP posts:
TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 16:27

I hate to sound judgmental but a) you're a single parent anyway & I can tell you from experience that's whilst hard sometimes, it's nicer than being with someone like that & b) it's setting a god awful example of a 'healthy' relationship to your kids.

It's not about how long you've been together, but what you've got together & it doesn't sound like you've got much or ever will have with this man.

There's another life out there for you, you know. And it's a damn sight better than the one you're living right now

TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 16:28

He's eaten their lunch stuff!? [shocked]

What on earth are you staying for? Surely this is ten times worse than being a bit lonely but very happy, with your self respect intact?

Jesus.

TheYoniKeeper · 17/04/2013 16:29
  • Shock I was so shocked that I couldn't do the proper face...
skaboy · 17/04/2013 16:31

Yes, the thing you need to realise is that, you do everything now, so if he were to leave life would actually get more manageable. After a couple of months of being 'free' I have really realised how much I was being taken for a mug.

You have to make a stand here

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:32

He's gone off to his brothers for a few hours. His brother is exactly the same except he's even more lazy!

OP posts:
Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:33

Skaboy, the idea of him meeting someone else makes me want to vomit I think that's what i am terrified of. I love him so much.

OP posts:
MajorB · 17/04/2013 16:34

You are clearly better off without him.

Now, think of it from his point of view: he left you when you had (undiagnosed) PND, so you should follow in his footsteps and leave him now that he has (undiagnosed) depression.

What happened when he left you? You said things changed, you felt better and got him back. Surely by that reasoning you must see that if you leave him the likelihood is that he will work on getting "better" and improve his behaviour to win you back.

If you won't listen to us love, listen to your OH, he has shown you what you do in this situation and how to get the pair of you on track, so do to him what he did to you; leave.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 16:37

Pedro, is any of this sinking in ?

We are all wasting our typing fingers, aren't we ?

With a bit of luck (for you) this bloke will further demonstrate his arrogance and sureness that you will never leave him, by shagging some 20yo from down the pub some day soon

Because at the moment, he might be an abusive twat, but he is your abusive twat

< sigh >

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 16:39

I'm going to pack his bags while he's at his brothers and dump them at the door.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2013 16:42

What is there to love about such an individual exactly?.

"I love him so much"
Ah, that old chestnut. He certainly does not love you does he?.

Stop selling yourself and your children short by remaining with such a conceited and self absorbed manchild. Ditch the 12 stone deadweight and you'll feel a lot bloody happier in the long run.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be teaching your children?.

MajorB · 17/04/2013 16:42

Oh, I wouldn't worry about him finding someone else; who'll want the obese, jobless, waste of space cocklodger that is your OH?

iloveweetos · 17/04/2013 16:45

I had less ALOT stress than this as a single parent, so don't think you wouldn't cope!!! It will be hard, but this as the alternative, its a breeze!
He will keep doing this for as long as you let him.
Good luck xxxx

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 16:46

Sweetheart, don't do it for us. That would be the worst thing you could do. Because you will not stick to it.

If you are serious, you need to plan it properly or you will be begging him to come back by the weekend and in a worse position than you have ever been

Hold your horses. Get some support, get people who have your back on board. Speak to the landlord about whether is is possible to get him off the lease. Look properly into finances.

Do it with thought, love and make it permanent

MajorB · 17/04/2013 16:46

Yes! Well done. Hopefully the shock of you doing that will force him into action, and he'll make his way back to the man he once was.

iloveweetos · 17/04/2013 16:47

i agree with AnyFucker
you need to plan and be SURE of it

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 16:48

MajorB unfortunately there are rather a lot of women that would take this bloke on. The kind that think they can change a man. OP did, so he must have been halfway decent at some point.

That time is long gone for OP, I am afraid, but I am sure he is quite capable of turning on the charm when he wants to.

BanjoPlayingTiger · 17/04/2013 16:49

When you say you love him, do you love what he used to be rather than what he has become?

To me you sound like a single parent already. He sounds like he wants staff not a partner to share life with.

How's the bag packing going?

MajorB · 17/04/2013 17:02

I don't doubt he was a decent man at some point, the OP had 3 kids with him so they must have had some good times.

It's pretty depressing to think that anyone would willingly take on what he is now though, especially if they didn't have history with him and the memories of what he was.

I guess there's no accounting for taste!

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 17:10

indeed

Lavenderhoney · 17/04/2013 17:11

How does he get about? Is he driving his own car he puts petrol in and pays for?

If you have packed his stuff, be prepared for drama from him and his family turning up and shouting, hammering on the door... Call the police. They can't be allowed to scare you and your dc.

It was quite upsetting reading your eldest dc has stepped up to being someone you rely on and are proud of. Its all well and good, but with his dad behaving like that in the house? Your dc must be quite affected by this, unless you pretend to them its normal? They know its not. And you aren't doing it for them. What on earth good is it for them, living like that?

Call a solicitor and book a meeting, re house etc, call women's aid especially if you have packed and chucked his stuff without thinking of how you will handle the next few weeks which will be hard but rewarding if you manage it. Can you stay somewhere else with your dc? Do you have a mate who can come and be with you?

If you do let him back in or he forces his way in, I strongly suggest you leave with the dc as an alternative ASAP.

Good luck

Original poster
pedrohedges · 17/04/2013 17:17

am going to sit him down tonight and give him an ultimatum. I went upstairs to pack his stuff but i thought i better speak to him first.

If he's not prepared to change then he can leave.

Lavender he does drive, he owns a 12 plate Jaguar believe it or not.
I have asked him to sell it, get a cheaper car and maybe use the remaining money to start his own little business but he won't. It's his pride and joy.

OP posts: