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Original poster

what would you sacrifice for love?

100 replies

HeartShapedSaw · 16/04/2013 18:34

I'm basically in a situation where I have to chose between my family and the man I think may be my one true love, and I honestly can't sacrifice my family and friends for him. It's such a horrible situation and makes we wonder what other people would do.

What would you or wouldn't you give up for someone you loved?

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 16/04/2013 18:39

Nothing, well, only things that didn't matter. If the situation isn't right then the time isn't right and that person isn't right at that time. There isn't one true love for everyone - think about it, if there was one person in the entire world, the odds of meeting them would be terrible. You will meet someone else nice, I promise :)

How come you have to choose anyway? I hope it's not him who's making you choose, because if he loved you that much then he would never ask you to sacrifice something which was important to you.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 16/04/2013 18:41

Not very much, in all honesty. My family and friends are mostly reasonable people, and I can't imagine a situation where all of them would be completely wrong and one individual other person would be right.

I had a situation once where an old friend, now married, said he'd leave his wife if I asked him to. I told him not to do it on my account. If he'd split with her of his own accord, something might have happened, but I didn't want their split on my conscience.

Equally, for various complicated reasons, I'd have jeopardised family and friend relationships to be with him and possibly had to give up my job, and I wasn't willing to make those sacrifices.

The most I ever have to sacrifice for DH is staying in on a night I'd rather go out or vice versa, or not having an early night so I can pick him up from a gig I didn't want to go to. He does the same for me.

Squitten · 16/04/2013 18:41

First you have to tell us why you have to choose between them. That's not a normal choice to have to make

Original poster
HeartShapedSaw · 16/04/2013 18:47

It's not him who would make me choose..

Very long story, but he is my DSs father, and we both acted questionably toward each other before DS was born. Nobody I know will ever forgive him, and would be utterly horrified if I got back with him. I have no doubt I would loose them all. But I do think we have both matured and had realisations since then and I can't picture myself with anyone else. My heart will be broken either way.

OP posts:
Squitten · 16/04/2013 18:55

What does "acted questionably" mean? Did you hit each other? Infidelity?

If you want meaningful advice, you have to be honest.

Original poster
HeartShapedSaw · 16/04/2013 19:01

No nothing like that. Mostly arguing and saying mean things. Obviously I think it was him more than me.. but I can't be sure it wasn't equal. Was an on - off kind of thing.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/04/2013 19:10

If what he did wasn't that bad, why would your family cut you off if you were to get back with him ?

For me, there are not many things I would give up for a relationship with a man

My freedom to sleep with other people is the first thing that comes to mind

YoniBottsBumgina · 16/04/2013 19:15

Good point - casual sex has to be off the menu, clearly Wink

I also find it odd that your family and friends would cut you off if you got back with him. There has to be more to the story. Either all of your family and friends are unreasonable, judgy, grudge-wielding harpies who don't support your decisions or want you to be happy, or, he's a total dick/has done something terrible. Or, I suppose, you could be being melodramatic. But I think, TBH, the second option is the most likely.

Lavenderhoney · 16/04/2013 19:25

It wouldn't just be you making this sacrifice though, would it be your ds as well? Are you expecting to remove him from any contact with your family too?

If you are serious about this man, then can't you slowly date him, tell people you are meeting him as he is ds father and allow them to realise he has changed? Then slowly you can see if he is all you think, and in a year or so, he could move in and be part of everyone's life. I don't see why it has to be so fast and dramatic ( giving it all up for love ) as you have a history together and it didn't go well first time.

OhLori · 16/04/2013 19:32

For romantic love, I would sacrifice very little. For Love, as in the big-picture-Universe sense of the word, probably a lot more.

AnyFucker · 16/04/2013 19:49

The trouble is, Lori...people have very different ideas of what constitutes "big picture universe" love

MsWinnieBaygo · 16/04/2013 22:37

Your family and friends would/should want what is best for you and for you to be happy - if you explain that you've both changed and have matured etc It seems a bit dramatic to say that you would be forced to choose between them, unless there is something more to this?

Lueji · 16/04/2013 23:25

Could you gradually introduce him back and show (and make sure) he really has changed?

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2013 23:30

I moved 5000 miles, gave up a job I loved, seeing friends and family all the time, my lovely flat and my country. I wouldn't have done what you are thinking about doing. If all my friends and family love me, why are they all united in hating him? Big warning bells.

Dahlen · 16/04/2013 23:47

I would say that unless your family and friends are prone to completely irrational, malicious behaviour, and if their judgement is normally good, you should take their POV seriously. As the old saying goes, 'love is blind' and maybe they are seeing red flags that you would do well to heed.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2013 23:50

What AnyFucker said, as per usual. For my children, EVERYTHING. They are 'my one true love'.

badinage · 17/04/2013 01:03

I suspect you are being over-dramatic about all of this.

He's not your 'one true love'. He's just someone you happened to meet because you were in close proximity at one particular time, had a relationship and a child. You could have met loads of other men around that time with the same result or better and you still could.

Unless a man is an absolute stone-bonker wrongun', it's very unlikely that a whole family and an entire set of friends would disown their loved one. They might disapprove, they might think you're mad to try again, but again unless they fear for their own lives it's unlikely they'd drop you completely.

In general, I think people who give up all their other relationships for their romantic one are very foolish indeed. Plus, it's way too much pressure on a relationship if one person has sacrificed their whole life to be in it.

However, I think you might need a romantic drama antidote to see this a little more rationally.

WTFisABooyhoo · 17/04/2013 01:49

ok first of all think about why you think being with him now will be different and successful when it wasn't the first time. you are both the same people, however this time you have a child to consider. forget about what your family and friends will say (it wont be as bad as you think.) think about the impact a volatile relationship will have on him.

i am speaking as someone who got back with her child's father 3 years after breaking up from him (6 weeks before baby was born). at the time i honestly believed that all these feelings i had meant that we were meant to be and that he was the one and that all we both needed was space to grow up.

honestly, i think deep down i wanted to know for sure that i'd made the right decision the first time by ending it. i think i got back with him to give myself another chance at 'getting it right' with my child's father. if i thought there was a chance i could have my ds living with both his parents i was going to take it. but he was the same person, he'd just had more experience at being that person. same with me. we split for a reason, well alot of reasons actually and those reasons were still there after the first flush and novelty of the 'new' relationship had worn off. we lasted two very difficult years the second time. it would have been a lot less had he not been working away 90% of the time.

be very careful and as much as this makes me a killjoy, dont get swept up in the romance of getting back with your ex, the father of your child. your child needs to be your priority and not what your ex or your family want.

BigBadBabbyDaddy · 17/04/2013 11:03

"People don't always fcuk up because there twats sometimes its because they just dont know what else to do" :- ChavBear

"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history":- Gandhi

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." :- Gandhi

You are strong like lion :)

Lovingfreedom · 17/04/2013 11:19

If you can honestly say to your family 'that was all a long time ago and we've all grown up now' think about it...otherwise keep away from this man. I can't really understand your logic...they care for you so much that they don't want you to get back with this man...but if you do they will all drop you? Wouldn't have thought so...sounds a bit of an over-reaction.

MadBusLady · 17/04/2013 12:05

Oh boy. Start here.

Pandemoniaa · 17/04/2013 12:18

Love doesn't actually conquer all. Also, people rarely change. They can learn from experience and they can modify their behaviour but underneath, they remain the same. I know that my ex-husband (divorced from his for many years) has learnt a lot from subsequent relationships and I now get on with him very well. But I wouldn't, and never have, contemplated getting back with him because underneath he's the same person he always was. As indeed am I.

You need to ask yourself why your family would consider cutting you off if you resume your relationship. Families don't usually behave like this for trivial reasons and if their reaction is going to be so extreme you need to think very carefully before making a decision.

As for what I would sacrifice for love, the answer is not much. It's all far too melodramatic a concept for me to consider. But certainly I would never sacrifice my children for anyone.

BigBadBabbyDaddy · 17/04/2013 12:21

looool Sacrificing children for love.....

BigBadBabbyDaddy · 17/04/2013 12:25

Would you do it for a biscuit?.....

MadBusLady · 17/04/2013 12:33

Would I sacrifice my children for a biscuit? Yup, don't have any children OR any biscuits so it can only be a net gain.

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