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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what would you sacrifice for love?

100 replies

HeartShapedSaw · 16/04/2013 18:34

I'm basically in a situation where I have to chose between my family and the man I think may be my one true love, and I honestly can't sacrifice my family and friends for him. It's such a horrible situation and makes we wonder what other people would do.

What would you or wouldn't you give up for someone you loved?

OP posts:

Report

WTFisABooyhoo · 17/04/2013 17:13

heartshaped did you read my first post on your thread? honey i have no trouble understanding that you love an asshole. i was there. as much as i hated him all the time we were apart, i still loved him. so believe me. i get it.

however what you dont seem to be getting is that loving someone does not mean you should be with them or that they deserve a second chance or that you are each other's one true love.

all it means is that you haven't worked your way through this hangover of feelings you have from when he was still fun to be around. you can love someone and be apart from them. and for the two of you it sounds liek that is how it should be.

MadBusLady · 17/04/2013 17:16

Another good Baggage Reclaim post...

HeartShapedSaw · 17/04/2013 17:16

WTFisABooyhoo - You're probably right.

I had no intention of getting back with him, and have told him this several times. But he is asking for a chance to prove himself to be a better person, and it seems unreasonable not to give him that chance.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 17/04/2013 17:19

But he can prove that through co-parenting and just friendship for the time being. I know that might feel painful because you love him and want him?, but at least he would be proving himself, it would be giving him a chance.

Lavenderhoney · 17/04/2013 17:20

Fair enough if they don't want to see him - although why the need for him to move in with you ( or he would just be at his place when they came , so not an issue ) so fast? Surely if you have a bad relationship history with him you wouldn't rush in? ESP with a child involved?

And you could go and see them couldn't you? No need for any family and friends to fall away. You surely would for your child's sake, not alienate and isolate?

This man of yours, what's he sacrificing? Does he know you will likely end up friendless and nc with your family, is he ok with that? Doesn't he want o see them and put them right about what a great bloke he is now?

WTFisABooyhoo · 17/04/2013 17:21

let him prove himself as a father and a decent human being. you dont owe him any chances. if he wants to show you he has changed, he can do that without being in a relationship with you. he can do it be treating you respectfully, respecting your wishes not to be with him and not sulking like a child when you say no. if he really has changed then he will accept that you aren't prepared to be with him (right now anyway but you dont have to tell him that) and he will go about his life, raising his son with you and letting you get on with yours. if you honestly believe after a while he has grown up and changed then reasses and see if he still wants to get back with you. if he is the right person for you, then he'll still be the right person in 2, 5 or 10 years and you'll know it. it doesn't have to be decided now.

AnyFucker · 17/04/2013 17:24

what boo said

why jump in with both feet?

if he really has changed and has magicked up some respect for you, let him prove it without him effectively isolating you from your family and disrupting your son

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2013 17:24

He sent you abusive texts while you were pregnant? There is actually something wrong with someone who does that. Properly wrong. Unless he has had a brain transplant, I wouldn't be entering into a relationship with him.

HeartShapedSaw · 17/04/2013 17:25

Im glad I posted. Your opinions are all very helpful

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 17/04/2013 17:26

I think if everyone hates him - they're seeing something that you don't want to see.

Your family and friends aren't out to ruin your life. They don't want you alone and miserable. They want you to be happy.

They just don't - and with good reason from what you say! - believe happiness lies with this man.

If it was just you, I'd say do what you will. If you want to give another chance to a man who has treated you so dreadfully, well, you're a big girl and that's your choice. You have the right to make even foolish choices

FOR YOURSELF

But you have a child. And that child has the right to not be put into a bad situation.

Do you take a chance on someone who proved themselves capable of treating you horribly? That's your choice.

Do you force your child to have that life? No.

WTFisABooyhoo · 17/04/2013 17:58

one more thing.

i always knew deep down i shouldn't have been with EXp. i knew it the first time and i knew it the second time but i pushed that to the back of my mind because i was so desperate to keep my family together and to prove everyone else wrong and that we were right together. but we weren't. i knew it the whole time.

you will know yourself whether you want this for the right reasons. dont do what i did and kid yourself it will work when you know it wont. you owe yourself more than that and your son aswell. my eldest has been affected by our break up in a way that never would have happened if i'd never gotten back with him.

sarahseashell · 17/04/2013 21:10

he sent you abusive texts when you were pregnant = bin
It's that simple

there are plenty of nice men in the world

Squitten · 17/04/2013 21:45

Agree completely with Boo.

If he really has changed, then he will be understand that he cannot simply expect everything to go back as it was. And you would be very foolish to accept this word for it when you have a child to think about and protect. He has to prove that he is capable of being a decent man and, more importantly, a GOOD father before you should even entertain the idea.

I would be very slow to choose this man over your family. They have quite obviously been there for you when he has not and, should he show his old spots once again, you will need them again.

If he really insists on pushing you into a relationship and forcing you into conflict with your family, he is NOT a nice person and he has not changed.

Lovingfreedom · 18/04/2013 11:13

Agree with Boo too! If you feel like deep down you 'shouldn't'...then don't...

HeartShapedSaw · 18/04/2013 12:11

Thanks for all your replies.

I have been well and truly outed.. my toddler somehow posted a link to this thread on my Facebook wall four times this morning... I don't even know how to do that!
Suffice to say ill be name changing..

OP posts:

OhLori · 18/04/2013 12:52

Poor you though I guess it could have been worse ...

Another negative for Facebook !

Seriously though. I think genuine romantic love is probably quite nice, perhaps I was a bit harsh earlier. But what many people think is romantic love is actually (1) their sex hormones talking or shouting loudly for attention or (2) their "fantasy" about love both as a response to their genuine need for love and media fantasy (can anyone tell the difference now I wonder?), even when deep down something ain't right ...

FauxFox · 18/04/2013 14:54

I did it. Met DH at 16, my family would not accept him due to age gap, eventually I told family to bog off when I was 19ish. Had a 'civil' (birthday cards/xmas meet up) type relationship with mum and dad and sister. Married when I was 22. Parents came to 'keep face' but left early. Had DCs at 27 and they built bridges, accepted DH and now we are all good
Not the same as your scenario (Dh has always been lovely to me) but even stubborn old buggers like my parents can be wrong and change their minds (eventually).
Having a DC to think of makes your decision harder than mine was.

Lucylloyd13 · 18/04/2013 16:04

I would do anyting for love...................but I wont do "that"!

Queenbee245 · 18/04/2013 16:17

Everyone deserves a second chance and you won't lose all your friends

AnyFucker · 18/04/2013 16:50

Fox, your situation is absolutely nothing like the op's

Lovingfreedom · 18/04/2013 17:04

Too many women too often think about men being 'deserving' and giving them 'chances'. Not enough of think first about what they are getting out of it.

So the guy 'proves he is a better person'....what does that actually change? Does that then means he 'deserves' a relationship with the woman of his choice?

WTFisABooyhoo · 18/04/2013 17:22

you are so right lovingfreedom

he may be a lovely man. the best. but that doesn't entitle him to anything.

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FauxFox · 18/04/2013 17:29

I did point that out AF

Queenbee245 · 18/04/2013 17:29

Loving I think you my have misread my post, I said everyone deserves a second chance...not just men
Have you never made a mistake in your life and been given a chance to prove yourself again?
I believe what the OP is trying to say is that there has been a history with this man but that they have both grown up and are ready to move forward
Ok not everyone can change for the better but I think it is unfair to say that nobody ever can
The OP is concerned that her family/friends may not speak to her...she is not the first person in the world to make decisions that other people may not like and I'm sure she won't be the last and I'm sure that no matter ow much they do disapprove they would never completely abandon her

WTFisABooyhoo · 18/04/2013 17:34

i disagree that everyone deserves a second chance.

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