support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hope you have a good walk Colin, glad you have RL people with you (and a dog! bonus).

mink it's awful what we tell ourselves that we deserve. We believe ourselves telling us bad stuff, and wont believe friends telling us good stuff.
I have heard of that before, vomiting when very stressed. Years ago my housemate was seeing a woman who already had a boyfriend, and she would throw up after sex as well. I didn't realise it was a relatively common thing. It can't have been a fulfilling situation for either of them (or either you and your ex). Sounds like it really shot down your self-esteem.

oh colin what an absolute twat he is :(. No man is worth the misery he is causing you (should take my own advice) Hope your sister and new nephew distracted you for a while.

My latest FW incident. I was having a nap on the sofa, FW grabbed by feet and shouted TIRED ARE YOU. I jumped out of my skin, woke up obviously. He walked past me and rubbed his hand and over my face (as if he was washing it with a flannel). I pulled away, I was furious by this time and snapped I could smash his face in :(. He just winds me up so much. He laughed at me, walked upstairs and said to DS "did you hear that DS,Mum said she was going to smash my face in, thats abusive that is" :(. I sat there thinking how am I going to get out of this and make it better. I did say it, DS didnt see the lead up to it though so had no context :(.

I told my counsellor about the incident. She asked me to imagine I was in my parents room watching the exact same incident but replacing me and FW with my mum and dad. It was awful. I had to keep stopping and saying but my dad just wouldnt do it so its hard to imagine :(. She pressed on asking me how I felt when he woke her, rubbed her face, then told one of my sisters mum is abusive. I felt so uncomfortable in the session, the realisation that our relationship is so wrong has really got me thinking hard.

((colin)) and everyone else needing it today.

On a lighter note my sister admitted to me when she makes us all a cup of tea, she licks his cup first. Made me giggle ;)

mink I was inadvertently the OW at the start of our relationship too, and even though there have been points where nsdh changed (intensive counselling, different job and they had a massively positive impact on our relationship) I think I did myself a disservice in not realising that once that distrust is there, it's very easy to slip back into it at the first sign. I now have no idea whether my instincts are right or shaped by that initial discovery that he was capable of lying and cheating.

butterfly you are right Most people don't leave at the first sign. It just sometimes reads that way.

colin I'm glad your dsis is with you. Let yourself cry and be angry and whatever other emotion you feel. No wise advice to give but be gentle on yourself and try to give yourself time to heal from the shock.

When one of my previous relationships ended, I used to borrow my dsis' baby and go for walks. (I didn't know anyone with a dog!) I'd talk away whilst the baby slept

frog at FW incident but loving your sister licking the cup .

winnie I know totally gross but funny.

The leaving at the first sign i'm undecided about. My counsellor picked up that my tolerance level for the DCs is much lower than for me. And that is because of how I feel, where my bar is set. So if other peoples bar is set lower for themselves then they would go at the first sign wouldnt they?

boiledfrog - he got exactly the reaction he wanted there, I think. The chance to manhandle you a bit, get you wound up, slag you off to your DC and make you look abusive into the bargain. It's a win-win for him. Your counsellor is right, you would not be advising 'stay' to anyone in a similar situation who you loved. You need to love yourself more and get out.
Sound like your sister has the measure of him though! Love that. Small acts of sabotage.

Winnie - go with your instincts. They are yours, and they are there to keep you safe.

Hello all just dropping in to say hello again ( I popped in briefly but never got back )
Have been separated now for 6 months having made the decision I couldn't go on any more. I thought it was mutual( though dh said hed been unhappy fir a long time ??? and detached , but now know I was coerced to leave by FW. He was having an affair with a veryyoung business colleague who he's now replaced me with and is doing his EA stuff on get now ; isolating , moving her over here ( in same way he moved me abroad last 5 years) controlling etc.
in many ways I'm glad to be out and doing pretty well generally . But due to 2 kids ( ds 8 & dd14) still having to engage with him.
This week he wanted to intro his new squeeze girlfriend to the kids but as everyone is telling him its too soon ( he has had 3 weeks with her 2 weeks in march in her country plus his 'affair' last summer , not sure what the relationship was then maybe just EA but anyway newish relationship) anyway wanting to look like dad of the year he's said he'll go slowly and talk to the kids. He comes across as charming, reasonable etc etc , you know the story.
So Friday I get email saying we need to discuss arrangements for half term while she's staying there. I replied yes let me know when she's arranged alternative accommodation while the kids are with you . I then get 29 emails ranting at me culminating in he's going to divorce me now stop the pittance maintenance he pays me and go for custody due to my ' mental instability' I told him fine ill stop my divorce petition ( which actually went to court on Friday but he diesnt know that) and as I am on legal aid will be happy to let him pay ( money is his weakness) .
Bearing in mind the kids were with him and this went on for 3 hours with me saying it might be better if you spend some time with your kids now)
Eventually i said ok that's fine you can move back here ( he moved 70 miles away as gf does same job as me and i think he wanted to compartmentalise his 2 lives and avoid us ever bumping into e. o ) and I'm sure the gf will be happy as I assumed he'd spoken to her about it .... Silence now. He was most annoyed that I was not i think as I told him I'm not interested in his personal life just the kids welfare .
So that is my story ( sorry it's so long) I would link to my other but on phone , and not sure how tbh. Am happy to be here.

Hi over thankyou for the back story. glad you got yourself and kids away from him. no surprises re. him asking fuss about access and then ignoring the kids when he has them.
Will try to find your other thread later.

Had similar issue re access myself with ex but cannot talk about it on this thread. am generally feeling a bit today. did not handle situation well.

Sorry you are feeling blue minik. It's just like swimming in mud isn't it. Just when you think you are getting somewhere try move the goalposts .
I am now wondering if the kids refused to meet her as they ( or he) didn't mention it and it was suppose to happen yesterday , maybe they just didn't want to tell me but maybe that's why he was so angry?? Who knows/cares.

frog shocking incident, what a total prick. What an invasion of you. It's made me furious on your behalf. And then him telling your dc that crap.

Mink and Over sorry you are feeling

mink you give wonderful advice and support to others. Please don't beat yourself up, you don't deserve it you're a lovely person. My counsellor told me to "put the stick down" and weirdly that's been a great help - I keep firmly putting the stick down in my mind's eye and feeling better

Thanks breathe

Love your sister frog

Hugs to mink and over

I am not in a good way. Went out with my sister and had some cuddles with the nephew. He was v smiley, which temporarily eased the pain. Had a massive chat with her and told her more than I ever have and feel like a massive weight has been lifted. But I still feel crappy. I miss FW so much and feel so abandoned and alone. I have texted him loads, begging pathetic texts. I feel sad reading about how strong I was earlier this week from my posts and how weak I feel right now. He says he's at his mums, to stop texting and we can talk tomorrow. I know we wont though.

His friend texted asking if I was ok and that he'd heard we'd split up weeks ago. Not true.

In bed already.

Colin over and mink lots of hugs. Am out but will post properly later. Xx

Colin sorry you are still feeling rubbish. think you need to ask yourself what you are hoping to gain by texing him and talking to him.
If he comes back he will not only be abusing you emotionally and financially. but on top of that you know he has another at least one other woman.

So if get comes back.you won't be back where you were you will be in an even worse position. he will he gain more power over you by making you beg. and you will be paying for him to take out other women.

and he is almost certain to walk out on you again leaving you back where you are.

You really are better to get it over with now. he will not change unless it is for the worse. he will not change you will never get an apology or a true love. just lies deceit and abuse.

Harsh but true Colin i am afraid. don't waste yourself on him. give your phone to someone to look after for a few days and go cold turkey. or get a new phone.

Wise support and advice from mink. Stand back up, dust yourself off, forgive yourself for the texts ("put the stick down!" - love it!) and do whatever it takes to make sure you don't get in touch with him.

I've been reading your updates with horror - you will be soooo much better off without him.

Colin keep remembering he does not have a solid gold cock.

Colin, everything that mink said (including about his lack of solid gold cock - even then, it's only useful if you can take it off and sell it to recoup some of the money you've wasted on him).
I agree that maybe you need to give your phone to someone for safe-keeping - it's like the addiction that we mentioned, sometimes you need people to intervene when you can't trust yourself to do the best thing for yourself. If you post it to me, i promise to keep it safe for a couple of weeks and then post it back to you? ((hugs))

Charlotte my lovely, how are you doing?

Ok, thanks. H's dps are staying this weekend - H is not here (he didn't like this, but "allowed" it). We had a fascinating conversation last night. They've read up about narcissism and see how it all matches with him (which I have been doubting recently, forgetting how it's possible for an N to "act cured" for a time) - so that's given me a boost and at the same time made me less optimistic for the future!

Ah, but he's gone away for the first time since I was hoovered, so it's not surprising I'm seeing that there hasn't been a huge amount of change, is it?

If I try separating again, I'll make sure I'm never more than an hour away from MN :o

Gotta go be sociable with the pils now - love to all.

charlotte how are things? Good i hope.

Still no news from Maggie. if only we had thought to ask her to give one of us some contact info just in case. sincerely hoping it is just a broken laptop or something.

mink I'm sure she used to post from her phone most of the time. I am imagining all sorts of horrors now, from him having taken her phone off her and making sure she doesn't leave the house, to worse. I too realy wish we'd gotten a contact number off her.

Charlotte - doesn't matter how nice he is to you, it's all about the change, actions speaking louder than words and all that. And it's also about whether you actually want to be there, regardless of how nice he seems to be trying to be. Do you actually want to be with him? Can you see yourself being happy, genuinely happy, content and supported, with him? I'll be overjoyed for you if you can truthfully answer yes. Be honest with yourself.

We should set up a mn emotional abuse kitchen utensils flying squad.
Chhhhh step away from the fw and put down your phone. we have you covered.

Fws unmasked
cocklodgers evicted
faulty gaslighting repaired
circular arguments boxed off
Dirty minded wotdits delivery service

diy tools aso an option (don't want to gender stereotype)
solid gold cock removal on request

I can't remember the last time I looked forward to the weekend That Friday feeling for me is a sinking one, whereas Sunday night feels good. I'm the polar opposite to everyone else at work. And next week is a bank hols so 3 whole days of FW [aaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhh]

colin keep strong. That is all I can say really. And yy that the constant texting wasn't because he cared, but that it suited him. you can do so much better than him

frog I could imagine my H doing that to. If I ever fall asleep in the car when he's driving I get roughly woken up because 'if he can't sleep then why should I be able to?' . Also loving your sister and the cup. One of my friends cleaned the toilet with her now XH's toothbrush when she found that he'd used prostitutes (he was a FW too). I took great delight telling my H as I am 99% sure he has an OW and I swear he went slightly green.

Aaaaaaagh.
I used to be the same re getting back to work. bad mummy i am but after 4 days solid of dts doing the terrible threes (they were fine at two) i was delighted to drop them off at nursery come Monday.

And i used to dread exes holidays. no nightshifts for peace and quiet and unlike every other person he used to get more and more tense when he was on holiday.

Hang in their bounty. hopefully it will be sunny and you can escape out of the house.

mink - made me laugh.
faulty gaslighting repaired - love it!

Instead of evicting the cocklodgers, maybe we could spray them out, like some kind of pest control unit? (Then we'd also have cool Ghostbuster-type uniforms, and backpacks)

Can I order a box of dirty-minded wotsits please? Am a touch peckish and feeling saucy.
(Oh gawd, now I've spent the last five minutes thinking up marketing slogans for dirty-minded wotsits... the snack you can eat between meals and will definitely increase your appetite... and so on... I need help!)