support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Another classic for ow/prostitute scenario is itching powder in the boxers. then they have the worry that they may have caught something. (the worry they should have had in first place).

(soz if that seems hypocritical coming from a former ow) but did make me laugh when i heard about it. although of course it is wrong ():-)
Afraid i often contemplated spitting in exes food. disgusting i know but the way he complained half the time i may as well have done. never did though. left the spitting to him . I just did the vs behind his back.

bounty I remember ages ago someone suggesting that we get some T-shirts made up with 'Thank Fuck it's Monday', then if we saw someone wearing one we'd know they were in an abusive relationship too. Because we all hate the weekends when our FW is around more. Sad but true. Me and FW got married at the very start of the summer holidays - he's a teacher, and I work from home. In the house together every day. For seven weeks. Being newly married, in a new house, with a baby on the way, you'd think it would have been wonderful. That summer was one of the worst of my life. A week after we returned from honeymoon he threatened me with a golf club. It didn't get much better after that.

Make plans to be out of the house as much as possible (preferably without him).

Ah that's why this thread is so great. Everyone understands. 'Thank F* it's Monday' T-Shirts are genius!!! And yet again I've realised there is a worse place than where I am - married to a FW teacher. 7 whole weeks of FWery. Don't know how you managed! Am at the golf club though

yy to being out of the house. Preferably without him but actually even with him is better to being in the house as he often 'behaves' himself in public (cue super dad)

mink I'd try itching powder but he tends to go commando (complete with nice wee stain in the crotch of his jeans )

Just put it on the crotch of his jeans. eugh. probably still get to the required locale. eugh.

i am feeling much better now. just needed a half hour in the vixens to get my sense of humour back.

Haha bounty, that did actually make me laugh, the thought of the horror of being married to a FW teacher! (Not sure why, it really was horrible, but just that notion seems a little funny... blame it on Sunday night hysteria!)

Right, well that's your challenge for next weekend - plan, plan, plan within an inch of your life. And if that fails, itching powder down the boxers is an excellent back-up.

yes mink and pony I'm feeling happier too. all round.

pony it's funny (odd rather than ha ha) but teachers are the kind of person I'd naturally assume to not be a FW. I suppose it's because it is a supposedly caring profession. A bit like doctors or vicars. But I guess there are just as many FWs in caring jobs as any other. I just imagine them all to be hard nosed ruthless business-men like my FW.

Sorry everyone, I have caught up on the thread and forgotten a lot of who said what The putting the stick down is great advice. lets try and do that together, make a big pile, set it on fire and sit the FW efergies on top...
Lundy talks about abusers not allowing you to sleep. Had a FW flashback when I read that. Your poor DS was probably thinking he would like to do the same as you said without knowing your context.
hi over I am sorry you have to be here but glad you are out of there and look forward to chatting to you more. mink what about ant like bait? they would take it off with them to the OW.. In fact I would love to make a massive ant like bait trap thing and all the FW gravitated to it and never made it back to us... yes I am in one of those moods. A bit sleep deprived and counting down to the next round in court this week. Please let the new cafcass person be as good as the last.

I know bounty. But in my time on the Relationships board I've read about FWs from all sorts of backgrounds - and a fair few who were GPs, policemen, counsellors. And of course those who are high-up in the church. not mentioning anyone's horrible FW (coughleclerc) I suspect most of them like the fact that no-one expects that kind of behaviour from them due to their profession/background, and they use that against their wife/partner.

As it says in Lundy, we do all tend to imagine a 'type' for the abusive man, but in reality there is none. It's to do with intrinsic beliefs and attitudes, rather than being linked to a single personality trait or particular kind of upbringing.

And from what I could tell from FW's department at the school, he was in good company - a fair few of them sounded like awful aggressive bullies with little respect for women. The stories that my FW told me about the department would curl your hair!

pony I have just remembered the golf club just what an earth do they think we will do long term when that happens. It's just horrible when as you say that should have been a wonderful time for you.

My little mantra when I'm having flash backs or the thoughts interupt an otherwise ok day, is to smile to myself and say `that's normal'.. it seems to calm me back down as I just think, that is a maniac thing for any human being to do no matter what. The court case has made me have to think it all back through again, they are things I need to just really deal with and move on but I would not be thinking about them so much if I didn't have to get my case together 8 year on [shocked]. I can after the last 6 months think and talk about a lot more without shaking and crying.
Love the t-shirt idea BTW.

Good grief better, I can't believe I forgot that bit from Lundy, but you are right! That was a favourite tactic with my FW too - not so much waking me up, more not letting me get to sleep in the first place, till I was on my knees tired but still he'd be insisting on us talking/arguing/whatever. Or ripping the duvet off me in a rage if i was trying to get to sleep and he was mad at me for some perceived injustice. Or repeatedly flinging himself about the bed in a huff just as I was dropping off. Can't believe I forgot all that!!!!

Will be crossing absolutely everything for you this week, hope it all goes ok. You must be feeling pretty anxious, hope you are looking after yourself. I used to swear by Rescue Remedy - I felt that even if the effect was placebo, it was helping me keep calm and that was all I wanted! But whatever works for you, do it this week. Will be thinking of you.

I can so relate to thank f^ it's Monday! And it's funny, for years and years I thought I was the ONLY one who felt that way. And it felt so wrong to be that way I also dread holidays. GRRRR!

Had such a horrible weekend.

And after totally making my life hell and NOT SHUTTING UP for 2 years about me not having a job, he's now making it really difficult for me to do the freelance work I've lined up... hard enough for me to get motivated as it is. Not sure this is a good idea.

I have an awful problem, I've become addicted to online shopping. Over the weekend I was at my wit's end, I am so fed up with following him around garden centres (I am not allowed to choose anything) but I started internetting on my phone and found (and became obsessed with) a red tweed jacket, in the sale mind you, once I'd clicked through and ordered it (threw in a skirt to make it up to the free delivery amount) I suddenly found the situation much more tolerable and became nice and agreed with everything he said, even apologised when he said that I was digging wrong (FFS planting a tree) but I know I have to stop, it is dangerous and I feel like an absolute glutton. He never checks the bank statements, he doesn't know how to do it online and I actually feel really bad that he trusts me and I severely abuse it... but he spends so much on the house and petrol for pointless driving back and forth that I feel justified... I also justify it in that I haven't had a holiday in years because we bought a so called holiday home to fix up but it isn't a holiday for me IYSWIM...

thats you have reminded me of another line from Lundy about you working - `you have to follow his rules only until such time as he decides to change the rules'. Do as is best for you, as you know he will only complain anyway. So sorry it has been a horrible weekend and it sounds natural that the on line shopping is the only way you feel you can do something/buy something of your choice. It isn't a long term solution but for now if it makes you feel better, we all like a bit of on line shopping

better thinking of you for court this week. Let us know how you get on. Fingers crossed that you get another good cafcass person.

pony yes re:FWs coming in all shapes and sizes. And also victims do too. I don't think anyone I work with would imagine that I'm a victim of domsetic abuse as I have a job which is involves lots of decision making and people listening and acting on what I say. So I'm sure that there are many doctors, solicitors, teachers, policewomen etc etc that are victims too sadly.

thatsnotmyname I can understand how it's come about, it's something to numb the pain a bit, just as if it were a glass of wine. It's pretty common, I think, for women in abusive relationships to develop addictions for that reason, trying to help themselves cope.
But you know it's a problem, you've taken the step of talking about it on here. That's a good thing. I don't have any advice on stopping, I am not sure what to advise but I'm sure there's information out there that will help you address the problem. Keep on talking about it though, I think that's key.

Plus, you'll probably find that not being with him will quite magically alleviate the problem.

thats I am sure that my FW would tell me that I'm digging wrong too. And I don't think one outfit counts as abusing his trust. we all need clothes. If it is lots and lots of things then it is possibly wrong (and you probably need to find new cheaper hobbies) but if you're beating yourself up about one jacket and skirt then i think that fits into the "it only seems wrong to you in an abusive relationship" category. Most people in a normal relationship would not think that buying one outfit without permission is wrong at all.

Thanks bounty and pony and you all.
Bounty - I am in general assertive and I worried the courts would not believe me because of that even though I am not assertive in court as it scares me. But when I talk about the actual incidents and keep it to times and place and details of what he did rather than what I felt they know I couldn't make it up. Friends were shocked when the truth came out, I know what you mean and it is good to point that out must remember to pass that on.

bounty yes re:FWs coming in all shapes and sizes. And also victims do too
YYY. I am the same, where I used to work I was respected, listened to, relatively senior in my department. But then, I also used to feel at work as if I was about to be found out any day. It's self-esteem. Anyone can suffer from low self-esteem, so I imagine anyone could find themselves in our situation.

thatsnotmyname - actually bounty's advice is much more sensible. ignore mine
If it's your money as well as his (presumably), then you don't need his permission. You'll know yourself if it's a reasonable amount each month or not. If in doubt, talk to someone in RL and see if they think it's a reasonable amount, because, as bounty says, being in an abusive relationship can fog your sense of what's reasonable and what isn't.

I seem to be going for an award for 'most posts in the shortest space of time'!!!

Right, I've been in bed for nigh-on 3hrs, it's time for me to actually get some sleep. Night folks. Take care one and all, and remember: tomorrow is Monday!

frog and bounty, I think one of the most cruel and telling things is someone roughly rotweillering someone else out of sleep ? sleep is something we all tend to respect so much and when our LOs are sleeping, don?t we tend to look at them with care and compassion because they have laid themselves so vulnerably open in our presence ? and then for them to put their filthy paw into your sleep and yank you out of it ? it?s an invasion of one of the most necessary human states, it?s awful

mink I love the KUFS and all their emergency actions, esp removal of SGCs ha ha ha!

Bounty I second your dread of the weekends, it?s very sad. When my fw was trying to persuade me to stay (in the so very brief interlude of niceness which vanished like snow in the sahara once he saw I wasn?t going to get sucked back in), one of the things he said had a very opposite effect from what he?d intended; he said, what a shame if we couldn?t have eachother in our older years when the dcs have left home and we?re retired, wouldn?t it be sad to be lonely then! I think he was trying to play on what he thought my fears might be! OMG, I nearly fainted with horror at the thought of him, undiluted by dcs, 24/7. Argh! Run for the hills and quickly swerve into the Vixens, I thought to myself. What a horrendous thought. Being alone is far far preferable; it?s tragically funny that he can?t imagine anyone would feel like that?.

colin think of it this way re the texts, long term it would matter only if the recipient was someone worthy of respect. Luckily you?ve off loaded your sadness and despair on the right recipient, an arsy fuckwit. (And now post your phone to pony lovely lady ) Lots of and (((hugs))) to you. This too will pass, it really will. And we?re right there with you, with KUFS hovering at the ready to bomb your horrible old fw with dirty nappies, sink drainage, the bottom of our vegetable drawer in the fridge and lots of corks!

pony the sleep deprivation tactics you describe were my fw?s exactly too! God, but do they all read from the same script or what.

You know how your body tends to reflect what you?re going through? Well I have a massive literal pain in the neck and keep having to take neurofen, but it keeps coming back. Hmmm what can it mean Must get rid of this pain in the neck

No, that accolade definitely belongs to me!! I am the world's best multiple poster!

but, tonight, not so much. Absolutely exhausted after doing way way too much catching up on the outside stuff while the sun shines, and it ended in disaster with smashing glass, so I've taped things up and come to bed and now its gone all windy and cold.

Just wanted to to all, and send strengths for some FWittery I noticed going on all round... wishing you all peaceful nights lovelies.

Maggie I soo hoping you are ok xxx

(just hope it's not my arse next

fi hello lovely I hope you weren't hurt in the glass incident?

And ditto re thoughts of our lovely maggie.