support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Wow, colin hugs and support - that is a huge amount for you to go through. I am so so glad fate has rescued you from marriage to this fw. Even though you feel blue, understandably, you will later celebrate this because you have been saved from years or decades of misery. You will find another man who will treat you as you deserve and this experience will be an armour against future fw attempts - like an inoculation hopefully!

Goodness me Colin - he's a keeper, no doubt about it. Words actually fail me.

But I know that even though this is the end, you'll still be feeling pretty crappy about it. Do whatever you have to do tonight, tomorrow morning is a new day. Don't let that be your last post, the days ahead will still be difficult, and that's what we are here for. Sending you hugs tonight. x

Thanks. I feel so shit. He was laughing at me the whole time.

Even this abusive shit doesn't want me.

Colin, what a FW he is! From a planned 'proposal' to another woman in the space of a day. Of course the proposal story was manipulative nonsense but just shows how unfeeling he is.

It's an awful way to find out about the other woman but if it strengthens your resolve in ending the relationship then perhaps it's worth it. Let yourself feel angry and upset, and then be glad you've escaped.

colin you're worth a million of the fw. It'll be tough but we're here for you and you will rebuild yourself - probably quicker than seems possible tonight.

Colin - I think it was mink who (about a week or more ago) was talking about boundaries and our own selves, and said something along the lines of 'until we can properly respect ourselves, we wont be able to be with anyone who could respect us'. Or something like that. (The whole discussion is on this thread or the previous one, you could go look it up if you were interested.) Think of yourself as his prey. It's not your fault he's abusive, but in order to guard against something like this in the future, now is the time to build your self esteem.

But that's for tomorrow. Tonight, just be kind to yourself and get some rest.

Colin seriously, I know you are feeling shit, but this is a manipulative bloke who has used you financially and to feed his ego. Really, the question should be not whether he wants you, but whether you want him. You were trying to break the cycle and fate moves in mysterious ways, because your coffee is really the step to the rest of your life.
You deserve better, you will find better, though I agree with pony about the self-work, an anti FW armoury if you like, for going forward.
And yes, be gentle on yourself. At least you did not marry him!

Right, lovely ladies, I am off to bed (well, actually already there, watching iPlayer etc). Going to cross fingers for a repeat of last night DS sleep-wise, minus the banging and shouting keeping me up. I might actually manage a full night if I'm lucky! Colin - I prescribe bed with a / and some lavender on your pillow.

Sending you all Saturday night thoughts - it is always both good and bad for me, yin and yang and all that, I both love and loathe the weekend. Anyway, eyes are drooping, inane rambling has begun, so it's definitely time for me to slope off.

night all x

Something has been bothering me and I think I may well be in denial about it so am looking for an external perspective. . .nsdh spends a lot of time on the computer. My dsis had suggested he might have met someone because of how he has been acting over the last few months. tbh there hasn't been a massive change in his behaviour, it's more that I've started to tell her about it.

Anyway, she did make me think about what he was doing so I've started checking his browsing history I know he watches porn sometimes and I knew that before I checked the history. However now about once a week beside the porn there will be a website showing local women (although when I click on them they're not set to our local area iyswim).

My first thought was that they maybe opened up automatically with the porn site. Do you think I'm kidding myself?

Aargh! I blooming hate that I read threads on here and think nsdh has done that, nsdh does that, and yet I'm still here and all these other women are leaving at the first sign of one of the things he does.

Actually winnie I don't think women do leave at the first sign, there are usually a lot of things beforehand which make them concerned or worried and posting on here really comfirms things. I know nothing of such sites and whether pop ups would be likely though. If it is not set to your area, it might be possible that it is just advertising.

If it helps, I am convinced that xh1 met ow online, but there was a marked change in his behaviour, namely being online from more or less as soon as he could after dinner reasonably till the small hours of the morning. I am fairly sure it was online gaming they met through not a dating site.

winnie I'm not very tech savvy but could they be those ads that pop up depending on what he's been looking at? So porn users would get the offer of local women (yuk btw!)? But whichever it is, I think the central thing is that he's making you very unhappy and insecure and that's not right for you and is causing you pain and distress.

Butter I agree that the LTB, quick resolution stories on some threads have happened as the end result of much deeper events/issues.

Whatever happens to us, we can only deal with it as the people we are and that makes it the right way for us. I also feel inadequate when I see people sorting stuff much quicker than me, but my counsellor pointed out that we all have a lifetime of being the person we are and to leave an abusive r/s requires a sea change which is never instant, and some people sadly never even get to the first step of it. We're well beyond that first step just by being on here, getting more self aware, getting stronger, having realisations and that means we are achieving

Colin shocked along with you. I am SOOO glad he completely showed you who he is before you got any further down the line with him... proposal.. pah! FW! I hope you are ok hun. Its an awful shock. Just sending you (((hugs))). He laughs at the world, at all women, the last laugh is on him.

I have never experienced pop-up porn if you'll excuse the expression! I am assuming this to mean that you have to have pursued /registered to get such things?

Convo's with FWs, do they have conversations? Truly hate mine, why would I speak to him, its all an opportunity for him to force yet another insane point of his, call me names, or shout in my face, so there is no conversation to be had. FW.

long sweet dreams to the sleep deprived tonight xx

Colin but at least you know for sure.
Even though this is the end for you don't let your guard down as i suspect will be back pestering you again in less than a week. he is rationally challenged enough.

Well done though Colin see you did get the chance give him his cocklodger reference after all.

Just remember it did not take this for you to see him for what he is. you had already realised before you saw ow. this just confirms what you had already worked out.

Chatty conversations with fw. Bad idea. i got sucked into one with my ex that i should not have. cannot go into details here but i am both grr at him and at myself. more at myself i expect nothing better of him.

Had to play several games of bingo with the kids to cheer myself up then friends came to visit.

I can't see how I can ever feel better. Can't live with him, can't live without him. Why isn't there some clinic in Switzerland where I can be put out of my misery? I'm too scared to act on these feelings but am in so much pain it's unbearable

((Colin)) it will get better. a few months down the line you will be wondering what you ever saw in him and thanking your lucky stars. as you walk down the street in one of your many pairs of shoes carrying your new fw hacking handbag.

I am afraid there is no eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

In the meantime get something that makes you laugh- Miranda is standard prescription but that may not be your bag.
buy some 'fuck you' flowers to cheer yourself up to remind yourself that you are worth it and of all the times when he could have got you flowers but drank the money instead.

get some RomAn chamomile tea. Ordinary chamomile is ok but the Roman stuff is like valium. Will help you sleep.

Be kind to yourself.

Your soul has suffered an insult. You are emotionally wounded. wounds take time to heal. Don't expect to feel brilliant.
I suspect some of what you are feeling is not the hurt of losing him but hurt at being treated so badly. and normally when we hurt we can go to our significant other for comfort.

Do you have any rl friends to sympathise?

Sorry you are hurting so bad but i have to say short term pain for long term gain because he really is a total fw.

Must take own advice and sleep.

It Is the hurt at being treat so badly and abandonment in general. When he was texting and following me, I knew he still cared. Now he's switched his phone off, I know what that means and I know he really doesn't care what I do anymore

I have some rl friends but think they're sick of it all. They hate him so much

Colin sorry, but no he didn't care. Not about you. Only about himself.

There is nothing for it but to go through the pain, but It Will Go. I have been there, (different FW to Ex), felt the dual pain of losing him and of realising my judgement was well off

Colin your RL friends may hate him, but that is because they care about you and don't want to see you hurt. They will be there to support you, honestly, if they are your friends. We have all been there and had friends who have been there. Try and spend some time with people who make you feel better about yourself, you have no reason to hide away, let alone think about a ticket to Dignitas. Your kindness, generosity and goodness shines through your posts, he abused that, it doesn't make you a failure or someone noone will want.

Colin your rl friends hate him not you.
If you tell them it is over and that you need help coming to terms with what has happened and that it was domestic abuse they should be there for you.
That said i was talking bitching about ex to rl friend last night and he was giving me the slightly awkward don't really want to go there look but that is probably because i have not told him full story so i just sound bitter. plus i was being a bit ments towards ex last night and just frustration.

but my friends that i did tell have been brilliant and really sympathetic and sadly because abuse is so common once you open up you will find people understand only to well sometimes. also Weirdly sometimes it is the friends who are slightly removed from everyday who are easiest to talk to. more objective.

And you have us.
You need to let it out and grieve.

If you are missing him read back over previous posts to remind yourself he really is not worth it.and remember this is not your fault. you deserve better.

And also remember Colin you can go out whenever you want to wherever you want to. get out and about. even just for a brisk walk/run. blow away some cobwebs. or do you know anyone with a dog. i used to offer to walk my friends dog. Good walk with dog then sit down and chat to dog. Dogs are brilliant listeners. And they never tell!

Just anything to get you through this awkward early phase. Don't phone him or text as you are vulnerable just now and he will take advantage. he only cares about controlling you.

Hope you are doing ok this morning Colin. I do understand - as I've said before, after I initially left FW, I was constantly checking my phone to see if he'd texted, because hearing nothing from him meant that he really hadn't cared at all and I wasn't sure I could deal with that. But then when I did get a text it was often upsetting anyway and I would spiral down as a result. I was caught in a destructive cycle. Pulling myself out of it was difficult and was painful. But now things are calmer and more importantly I have myself back (some of it, anyway). It took time though, so hang in there, take it day by day (or hour by hour).

Talk to your RL friends. Tell them that is it. Let them help you to stay strong and feel better. You owe it to yourself, because when you are free of him you will realise that you are a wonderful person and he did not ever deserve to have you in his life.

damn i am still pissed off at self for yesterday fw encounter at handover. Now i will have full week of stress wondering what will happen next week.

should have kept trap shut and texting finger to myself. no good can come of it. cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

I'll engage and reply properly in a bit. My sister is with me and is taking me for a walk. Sadly it's not to Switzerland but it is with my nephew and the dog.

Yeah for sister and nephew. sneak off have a chat with the dog

There is a thread about vomiting when shocked. it reminded me that every time i went to exes house in the early days and we had a shag i would throw up afterwards.
God knows what he thought other than she is a bit mentally deranged.
should have listened to my literal gut reaction.
It was because after i had slept with him i found out he had a gf.

I was the nasty ow. and i felt really guilty.
(actually one of several ow ) So i tried to stay away from him (not hard enough) and i when i saw him i would get so stressed by what i had done i was sick.
own fault and would never do it again.

When they split i had misgivings about r/s with someone who was obviously a lying twat but still stupidly went ahead thinking it was what i deserved for my bad behaviour and also that it would be a fling and i would get him out of my system in a couple of months.

So that is part of reason i put up with so much because i thought i deserved it because i had been the ow. made my bed etc. and i deserved to punished. and of course i thought i could change him. silly cow.