support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

oh, v for you.. sending aswell, and your choice of or delete as appropriate, along with lots of ((((hugs))) xx

colin farcical as your fw's antics are, they also seem slightly sinister. I don't want to scaremonger but asking you to text a photo of the sky time and date is incredibly weird and controlling. He also sounds loopy but I agree with others, that's not a let off hook clause, he is being heavily abusive and that's a conscious decision.

Match, panic attacks so sorry. I have had them in phases for years, sometimes very severe. I sympathise very much. Don't feel bad about asking for help with them - not just counselling but short term solutions like a valium on hand if it gets too hard coping with the panic. Not suggesting drugs are the answer but the occasional one can alleviate panic syndrome enough for you to get a break and recoup. Also talking to the panic (mad sounding I know but about the most effective non drug thing for me) as a kind entity that is trying to protect you but is a bit misguided, works (for me anyway!)

Well. Last night I aimed to have The Conversation (a-fucking-gain btw how many bloody times do I have to gird me loins to have what should be a one off, only for it to vanish down the river of fw's self centred mind) but he'd done to bed by the time the kids had gone to sleep. Hmm.

But I just went down and had it now. I am too weary emotionally to recount, but suffice to say, I said again I want permanent separation and divorce. He made it clear that he will not leave. Oh and also everything is my fault. And if I want to leave, it'll be alone (in his mind, not mine, obviously). He also tried the line that all relationships are like this, that I'm a fucking coward with issues which is why his violence became a problem (I caused it) etc etc. I shouldn't have engaged of course, but it's hard not to. The sad thing is, although I really miss intimacy (physical and emotional) the thought of touching fw makes me feel ill with revulsion.

Oh Breathe bloody well done for getting it done. He is throwing everything at you (and will continue to do so) because god forbid he looks bad in all this. It needs to be your fault, because he can't deal with it being otherwise. You have been very resilient to get this far, keep going, we're behind you all the way (and if he starts his shenanigans, we can also be in front, brandishing kitchen implements, at very short notice).
xx

very powerful stuff fly [talking to the panic]

mmmmm... mmm..mmm.. to your FW. Horrible, horrible [predictable] blaming shite, hurray for your feeling revulsed at him. Well done for having the convo anyway, but save yourself from repeating anything again now? I have fallen into that horrible conficting trap time and time again. He made a deal through sols, didn't he? so moving out date approaching,etc?

.. [in front...] and on either side Pony

[peace] to all ladies. throwing in towel for tonight.. (((hugs))) for emotions, and (((protective shields))) from FWs (I guess star-trek styleee?) All to don (((protective shields))) now!

not good at stern looks xxx

Am off to bed too, am struggling to stay awake - DS2 already woken several time , but just been in and he was soaking. Gawd, hope that wasn't the problem every other night and I just didn't notice! He's all changed now, so fingers crossed for a peaceful night again (although a sudden peaceful night might support my 'neglectful mother didn't notice her son was soaking' theory, so maybe not...).

night all. Thinking of you all. Missing you Pati, hope you find a way to vent, you need it. And still hoping for an update from maggie soon, to say she is safe.

x

Ah pony and fi your words (about being in front and either side with kitchen implements!) made me smile hugely with comfort and relief that I am not alone. Thank you so much. xxxxx I will picture that every time I have a disturbing convo with fw I suddenly felt human again

Ditto re pati and Maggie. I miss you both and am thinking of you both big time xxx

breath well done for having the talk (again- fws slow on the uptake. as obviously it is unbelievable that anyone could possibly leave them)

And yy to valium. i found just knowing i had valium if i needed it was enough that i often did not need it.
Also lots of exercise helps in general long term.

pony was going to suggest when you said that he had started waking maybe he needs to go up a nappy size as i seem to remember one of mine waking up for that reason even though it looked big enough. Might just be coincidence though. has been v windy lately (the weather not ds!) and it could just be that.

Hope you get a good nights sleep.

I have been perving over watching bluestone 42. Time to stop gawping and get to bed.

Wow busy night here last night. I was actually out on the town for the first time in months with my NCT ladies most of whom were not drinking so I did all the drinking for them. FW conveniently saved it till the last minute to say he was working late so wouldn't be home to look after DD, but luckily a neighbour over the round was available.

Second Min's idea about putting DS up a nappy size, Curtis. These kids keep us on our toes don't they

Big hugs to Breathe and Pati, and lots of !

Round? *Road. Perhaps the alcohol is not out of my system yet...

Glad you had a lovely night, nini! And thanks for the hugs

It's been FW central the last few days - feel so emotional and drained. Trying to think of other than you great people on here what support I can get for myself. I am facing the reality that no matter how reasonable I am or whatever I may suggest/compromise on or agree to FW will destory/manipulate/change. He seems to have all this welfare support and therefore time to do as he wants to as he doesn't have to go to a job. All these people doing as he says, how can I fight or manage peacefully an entire system with unlimited resources and people and time and power.

better He doesn't have as much power as he is letting you believe he has. I grant you he has the luxury of time and some resource - funny if these FWs concentrated on an actual FT job instead of making controlling you their full time occupation, things might be better for them. I see my FW as powerful, but I had to write a list as part of some self help stuff about 1) when he has power over me - MOST OF THE TIME 2) when have I had power over him - hardly ever, nor have I wanted it 3) When has he made me feel powerful - never and crucially, 4) When he has had power over others - never!! So it's just me.

Glad you had fun nini

Well done breathe

I know FW is abusive and not just bonkers, I can't excuse how he is being, nor do I want to. I am finding that I am becoming increasingly detached - time was, when he sulked, I'd pander to it and make it better. I am seeing him for the toddler that he is. Think when I do eventually have a toddler of my own, I will be an expert in this crap!

It is very to think that someone actually sets out to start this campaign. Is it just how their mind works? Is it a conscious decision to exploit and bully? I'll never get it! My outlook is to make the lives of those around me better. I can't imagine the energy dedicated to controlling someone.

pony I saw a hint of the charm offensive last night. You'll like this, a text signed off with 'xx'. Lucky, lucky me. Now, I know he stops and starts these depending on what he wants, and then if I have ever said 'where's the x???' he goes 'are you effing fourteen or something?'. But this morning, he wanted an errand running, I declined, and the shouty texts started again.

As for his family mink. Well, it speaks volumes. I have met them both. His DF lives with fourth wife half his age and expects everything to be done for him. He drives when drunk. He doesn't seem to care about FW at all, left the family when he was a kid and creeps me out a bit. I don't know what to make of his DM. She seems to adore him, but goes cold when she has a new boyfriend on the scene. From what I'm told, when they were married, it sounded like an abusive household really and the kids didn't really get a look in, but I don't know. I have heard him be awful to his DM trying to get money out of her, properly shouting at her.

Anyway, I'm concentrating on work and I'm surprised at how quickly my mood is elevated. I'm a bit wary of it. I don't seem to get upset - I don't know if that's because it's not sunk in or if I don't care.

Good day and girl power to all.

better thing is, it sounds like he is making being unreasonable his job. I think you are right that no matter what yoi do, he will not change. The question I think is how you minimise his effect on you. This is a question I am also working on.

Colin, I think you don't feel upset because you recognise what he is trying to do to you and also because you need all your emotional energy to resist.

I just feel angry at the moment. Which I hate because I am not sure what to do with that. I think it just makes me the abusive one, really, if I yell. I just look around me and at everything I need to do and it just feels a struggle and I know that feeling is because it is contact tomorrow and the anxiety has started and my head aches and I haven't yet got the strategies to feel okay about it. Deep breaths.

Plus, who would I yell at? Writing that has made me less mad, just . Onwards...

Oh well, just wanted to add that it is nice that you had a nice night out nini.

Urgh the anger was me a little while ago butterfly and I'm sure we'll meet again. I didn't recognise the me that hated conflict, never shouted. I have been so full of anger, so tense, literally lashing out. I like to run when I'm feeling that way. I'm sorry to hear you are anxious and headachey. Look after yourself.

Helloooo all! I hope y'all doing fine (well, as fine as can be with all these FW around!)

As you can see have become so cocky confident that I am braving the wrath of Scary Boss to go online at work but don't have time to read the whole thread. Scary Boss really can be scary in a shouty, table punching kind of way When I think back to this time last year how I used to feel sick driving into work and then sick again driving home to H...so glad how things have changed. In a strange way I miss all the drama, life is kind of flat now.

Well, I am going to try and read the thread to see how everyone is

Thanks Colin, you are right about getting out. Plan was to go out with dc for a long walk this am but it peed down. One of the things which made me realise thing were wrong was the complete stress which made me want to yell and that it happened when I felt overwhelmed and couldn't breathe. One if the triggers was feeling like everything had to be neat and tidy and organised properly before he arrived. So I still get panicked about chaos and not feeling organised. Whereas the problem now is that I need to find my own routine which works for me and not the one which was structured around when he was going to arrive and how he wanted things. And keep breathing.

Nora your post made me smile. I remember the sick feeling with xh1, though it was more anxiety with FW. Funny, I realised that one of my colleagues who I have worked with for years may have tendencies in the fw direction. I noticed the anxiety after a meeting. Funny how it is such a physical feeling.

Anyway, better get on. Love and strength to all.

Nini - that's exactly what I'll do I think, get bigger nappies. Had been half thinking about going up a size (to size 6!!!!!) when I next bought some, which will be tomorrow. But am kicking myself to think this could be what's caused his unsettled nights! He slept all the way through after I changed him. Although, to be fair, he's also got bad eczema on his legs and I properly creamed him up last night, so maybe that helped too.
Glad you had a night out last night (I am often the sole drinker too on rare nights out, guzzling away on my own!!). And so glad you foxed FW by getting a neighbour to help with DD, bet he wasn't pleased!!!!

Colin - I think when you are in the thick of it, it's very hard to be objective, you are just coping daily. Once you know he's abusive though, you can't un-know it, and then comes detachment which can help you see what's going on with more clarity. I don't think they set out to be abusive. I think it's more that they wants their needs met, and any way that gets the job done is fine.

Nora nice to hear from you, you sound so much more positive. I know what you mean about that flat feeling - it's not the drama though, I don't think, it's the intensity of a FW relationship. We had a bit of a discussion about that on here a few nights ago, was interesting for me to look at it that way.

PS - Breathe - bought a whisk today. I am armed and ready, just wanting for your signal to unleash!

staying with him, maximises his effect on you, but makes you better at minimising it

nora good to see you popped by, and that you feel so different and brave! celebratory to that (much later )
The 'flat' is known phenomenon... there is a link a few pages back to a really useful site (I thought) and I made reference to that effect specifically. Like coming down off drugs really, from the high drama, to seemingly nothingness, but how helpful it is to know that after a period of readjustment this goes.

so, I have serving spoon in one hand, and toasting fork in the other (feeling particularly feisty with the fork!)..... awaiting orders...

good wishes to all xxx