support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Colin - yes, it did! But not as much as you declining, and me imagining is impotent fury at your brass neck! Well done. It Is an addiction, which is why it is so hard to stop, in the face of obviously awful behavior - if it was easy, you'd have done it already. You are moving in the right direction. Yes it is sad that you are having to consider the tactics like leaving your cards at home, but the fact that you have identified them as tactics and are willing to do it is a good thing, it makes you stronger than you've ever been in your efforts to stand up to his bullying.

Am dying to know his list of demands - if it wouldn't out you.

My FW ExH never wanted anything (except v expensive hi-fi equipment) - no holidays, no meals out, nothing! At the time I still thought of us as a couple, thought doing things together might help (and we had the money to do it). Still, on the bright side it means there was more left to divide when it came to it.

This list of demands today includes cash, items of clothing, meal out. That's just today.

The lifestyle which he would generally like me to bankroll goes as follows (this is based on strops when I increasingly say no as well as outright demands)

Breakfast. If brought to him in bed, then a bacon roll. Changes his mind about ketchup or brown sauce so that I always get it wrong. Tea is never to his satisfaction. If out and about, me to pay for the coffee and pastry. Lunch. Pub or restaurant. If still in bed, requests for junk food to be delivered (bearing in mind work is out of town). Tea. Sometimes out, sometimes home takeaway, rarely homecooked. Would then like to go to the pub and for me to pay even if i'm not there. Annoys me even more by always clicking his fingers for more drinks and my blood boils. Annoyed with him spending my money as he does but then don't want him to be sitting opposite me in Wagamamas asking for another drink.

Would like a night in a hotel. But will run up a room service tab.

Wants clothes all the time. And books. On a monthly basis, mobile phone top up. Bottles of wine for in the house.

In addition, there are the things for 'me' that are actually for him - the nice underwear etc (that I love) but that he never buys and pressures me to buy.

If he buys me so much as a coffee, I'm reminded about it forever more. If he's ever lent me a tenner, it's ended up costing me ten times that in the end. Oh and if I cite lack of money as a justification for why I can't help him, I'm reminded of the rare occasion I buy myself something.

And no, he doesn't have a solid gold cock.

I'm saying no alot lately and it's gone down like a lead balloon.

!!!! Colin he must be costing you a fortune!!! And giving you nothing (emotionally) in return. What are you getting from this relationship? Think of all the shoes and handbags you can buy with the money you'll save!

Why not just tell him - it's over, don't contact me again? Then delete his number off your phone. Sometimes, harsh and direct is the only way (both for you and for him).

Mine dressed like a tramp (as a good friend once actually said to me!) My own style is fairly scruffy, but not quite tramp-like! (in either sense of the word)

He had a particularly horrible beige fleece that was too big for him, came from a friend via a charity shop. He had a nice slim bod, but how could I begin to fancy him dressed like that? At first, I would buy him clothes, as did his DM. later I would drag him off to M&S, the only place he'd look, and get him to choose a couple of outfits.

Which he then rarely wore.

Colin - quick suggestion. Buy all those shoes and handbags you want, then give him a good kicking/beating with them joke .

My FW dresses well for work (good impression etc) but like a man three times his age at home. He used to dress fairly trendily once upon a time. One incident floored me two years ago when I was on mat leave, down to my last pennies (as it was MY problem not his, obv) and he spent about £700 on the hand made, made to measure suits he gets sent over once a year from Singapore. He then paraded them around under my nose. I've never felt so worthless

blimey! what an expensive habit he is Colin !!

Yup Colin i would be tempted to get a drug habit it would be cheaper and more fulfilling (not really) but yes in the absence if solid gold cock bin him off and every time you miss him treat yourself to something nice.

I am sure you could replace him with a better more energy efficient model

nini what a twunt. i take it he wasn't doing much burping of babies in that suit.

I am afraid i am the one that goes round in joggers and baggy fleeces in this house laughing at the hit him/kick.him with handbag/shoes. but i for one have never got the shoes thing. I only once spent more than fifty pounds on a pair of shoes

Colin just had to laugh about that list, and your description of bacon rolls/tea/ etc had me nodding vigorously in agreement, but snapping fingers for another drink?? now THAT is quite something! I second Nini's suggestion! What a TWUNT!

I'm have a wonderful day, working away on my laptop, windows open, cat at my feet. DH (stands for d*ckhead) called this morning, being all nice, and demanding that we all come out and join him, when I said that DD had plans for tomorrow night (going to see Ironman with her friends) he got very stroppy indeed and slammed the phone down... but I think I can fix it by saying we'll come out early Sat morning, just to keep the peace, then we get tonight and tomorrow without him and a short weekend which may work out. I've helped DS with his CV today, it's fabulous and I'm really hoping he'll get a good summer internship position. I can't bear the idea of living with this tension any longer... so nice when H isn't here and oh the joy of thinking it could stay like this!

colin you will be rich in more ways than one without him. Interestingly the thing that has most me is the finger clicking for a drink. Changing the goal posts about things like red sauce or brown sauce is fairly standard FW behaviour. But finger clicking is impressive FWery. Does writing it all out like that highlight how bad he is? Hopefully that'll strengthen your resolve to get rid and your boat like feet will be perfect for kicking him into touch

thatsnot the time when my H is away also give me hope of how much better things will be when he's gone for good

silvery I'm married to a tight tramp too that won't buy any new clothes but feels entitled to comment constantly on how terrible I look

Mine used to occasionally whistle if he wanted me, y'know, as you would a dog

Don't know if I posted yesterday that he's moaning about his legal bill. I think he thinks he is paying costs that should be mine. We agreed we would each pay our own costs though and since I am entitled to claim back my divorce costs, but am not doing so he should count himself lucky.
Next week I have to have the monthly row when I ask for money for the childminder. It is £50, yet I usually have to ask more than once and get it in dribs and drabs, whilst being harrangued about how much I must rake in in tax credits and child benefit. I have started having panic attacks where I find myself short of breath.

finding this virtual getting back at FW's very funny. Really wanted to add this to Mink's already great comment: every time you miss him treat yourself to something nice some solid gold cock!

grrr. .. very much to the clicking fingers/whistling

Match really feel for you in this, what a creep making you jump through hooops for the bill paying?! Anyway that the childminder can 'bill' him direct (invoice him, and advise DD or something), I understand that due to FW this will probably never happen, just trying to think of ways you could avoid ever having to do it again, so demeaning.

about the panic attacks, such a stress to mind and soul putting up with this, day in day out.

I remember the discussion of the von trapps and the whistle calls, many a thread ago. grrr. then and grrr now.

save yourselves! run for the hills lovelies. xx

Match about the panic attacks. They're horrible. I had my first one about a month ago when arguing with nsdh. It was so scary. I was wheezing like an old person. And what struck me was he didn't ask if I was ok or comment on it at all. When I said later, 'did you notice I was struggling to breathe?' he just said 'yeah, but you were worked up'
It's another sign he's a FW isn't it?

it surely is Winnie, a sure sign of missing part of being a real human being empathy

At the moment what I am struggling with is the thought that he thinks our marriage was no worse than anyone else's. That after he's tried to blackmail me I would consider going back.
That calling someone a c* is excused by saying you're stressed. He'd listened to me say on numerous occasions before I left that I hated him and I'd made a mistake the day I agreed to marry him and he STILL thinks I haven't thought the divorce through. I don't know whether to be angry or just incredulous.

which one seems the most useful for you, and go with that Match I can't speak cos I've put up with allsorts of course, but to call your ^ladylove a c and to have the gall to consider she might ever speak to you again

repost:

pick whichever one seems the most useful for you, and go with that Match

I can't speak cos I've put up with allsorts of course, but to call your ladylove a c* and to have the gall to consider she might ever speak to you again .

I hope he does decide to get the CSA involved. As he is such a tight bastard he thinks it will get the money he pays to ex wife #1 knocked down and that mine will be less too. I don't think it will be actually, but I'd love the money to just come into my bank account without my having to ask every month.

Talking of lack of empathy, a few days ago we happened to be standing by a door in a busy room when there was a loud scream from a little girl the other side of it. FW opened it to reveal that the girl (3yo?) had trapped her fingers in the hinged end - ouchouchouch!! - and door was heavy and almost shut ouchouchouch!! Ayyyeeeee - absolutely horrible. But as her dm carried her away still screaming, I noticed FW (really should call him H these days) - just watching her, expressionless, as though there was a time delay before he started saying, "Ooh!" in pained sympathy like everyone around him.

He does do a poker face like that at times, when you just have no idea what's going on inside, and maybe there's a perfectly innocent explanation, but that time I just felt chills down my spine.

(No lasting damage to the fingers, amazingly.)

Hello, thread. I hope you don't mind me dive-bombing in with this? I've just read a great little article on the Huffington Post about psychopaths. It has a very good (imo) 12-point checklist for whether your boss is a psychopath. Could just as easily say "partner". Here it is.

Match, can you not get the CSA involved? Not that I am one to talk, dd's dad has not paid a penny for nigh on 5 years and I have not pursued him because when he did pay there was a lot of fuckwittery about what dd could and could not eat when she went, so I thought it better for her not to have the acrimony. This provided FW with an out whenever I complained about money. He'd be spending money like there was no tomorrow whilst I was budgetting to pay for household goods. But this was my fault for not pursuing xh1 for maintenance, if I was short. Not that I was asking for money for dd or anything. Do you reckon he is paying the CSA rate himself yet?

Oh you know, the more I think about it, they are all of the same ilk.
I am sorry about the panic attacks, though. That is rough. Not sure what to suggest as I also suffer from anxiety. Though I am beginning to just feel annoyed, really, with it all. It is a mess.

As sad as it sounds, I'd rather him decide to involve CSA as I don't want to cause any more confrontation. Pathetic I know.

Nope, not at all. That is why I followed the question with my own experience. I await FWs response to my request that he up his contribution in line with the CSA minimum.

its was all the confrontation, blackmailing, punitive measures around maintenance that made me go to CSA. So its nothing to do with me but an absolutely fair proportion due from him for the financial support of HIS responsibility (DC). As long as you don't say you are going to do it, which he can then try to disuade by various further measures. The moment they confirm biological parentage, it starts acruing.

this is money he owes to his children, and they have every right in the world to have, without blackmailing, or tool to punish mothers over.

I ignored any and all correspondence regarding CSA, as he can't tell anyone [poor me, poor me] 'its not fair' as everyone see's its the best [fairest] way rather than mothers being seen to, apparently, fleece fathers, when the CSA provide an across the board fomula to calculate everyones.

i also thnk that others must wonder (if he ever mentions it), why the csa had to be involved? Looks truly crap I think upon a father, if he can't even provide adequate money for his DC without bullying the mother over it.