support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I think from when your head knew it was over, when the separation started Silvery but some of you are much cooler at this - I am in bed btw, with cuddly DCat, and (just one).

Fly hun, the FP , will you get to go again? Here we keep going til we don't want to, is it the same for you? I was floored when I missed mine, but I ended up doing some amazing other work on me (that could have hapened later anyway, but I was pleased that it did then iyswim). The full programme is long enough that if you miss the odd one, you can still get the full benefit, cos of the repetition, but I know, you wanted to be there.

thanks for asking, I'm holding tight to everything to keep myself steady I'm a bit don't know from one day to the next right now. but I am feeling supported [by you all, you guys!]. To be fair, this is more than just the one FW!

its brill Pony spend a 'long dark night' doing that site which helped a lot, can't seem to stop spouting now . You hang on tight too hun. xxx

Night all (if anyone's left up still - if you are go to bed!) xx

FWIW I think there must be some critical mass point with this theory?

Fi thank you yes, I will continue from next week, so as you say, if there's repetition I should be fine. I was looking forward to it because tomorrow's the day when I tell fw and I thought it would strengthen and bolster me. Also had to postpone counselling because of work. But work's obviously important too, I mean obviously it is for money but also for being "me" (whoever the feck that is )!

Keep holding tight, fi, as they say, "this too will pass". I'm glad you feel supported. As we have all said so many times, this thread is a bloody lifeline

Re critical mass, I hope so Mind you, the thought of having a relationship just wearies me ATM but I don't like to think I've signed off from all that forever . I can't imagine me ever having the self esteem of being a "good enough" person (consciously I know this is nonsense, obvs but it's how I feel about myself IYSWIM) to have a decent, kind r/s with someone lovely Oh well, I've always got my dcat and teddy (though sadly not Tod )

Oops am rambling.

fi, I think taking things from day to day is normal and a sensible way of coping. What matters then is having the resources to get through the day.

breathe I think the way to look at it is that work helps with economic freedom and personal autonomy and that is another kind of strength. Good luck for today anyway. Stay strong.

Good wishes to everyone else.

Oh and re TOD, if it was me, after recent events, he would have found his way to a charity shop.

Butter ha ha - or perhaps he can hang on till 5th November

Been reading about trauma bonding and it made me sad. Makes so much sense.

Really cross and bemused with some of the texts I'm receiving.

Hope everyone has a good day today

Care to share the content of the texts, Colin? May shed some light...

'If you do anything with anyone until I say its ok we will never get back together. Even if we don't see each other again'.

He's like a deranged Taylor Swift. So the only light that is shed is that he really is a wanker of the highest order.

silvery Paul is a wrong un. But I have decided my FF is Neil Carter the character not the actor. A lovely man like Neil is just what I am looking for. Cannot imagine him overstepping anyone's boundaries.

Exactly a year ago today FW and I had 'that' row that resulted in him hitting me. Anyone want to with me?

Had to laugh at 'deranged Taylor Swift' Colin.

Clearly, you are not bemused, Colin but seeing him v clearly! Who the F does he think he is (rhetorical question!)?

Am old enough to remember the young Neil Carter overstepping the young Susan's boundaries - with her consent of course!

Colin i would be so tempted just to send back a text saying ...oops too late! (obviously not a good idea really better to just disengage.

but wtf does he think he owns you? 'until I say it is ok??

Silvery I do like NC charcter but I do hope that does not mean I am an Susan?!

on another EA in the wider world thing that might be a bit political- Scottish independence debate the constant barrage of 'threats' from the NO campaign or 'better together' as they like to be called reminds me of the end a very bad marriage. it is called 'better together' but in actual fact all the rhetoric that comes from that side of the campaign is - if you leave then you will have no money (you can't have sterling and goodness knows how many other claims about our lack of sustainability), you will never manage on your own (the rest of the UK is like basically paying for you), our friends will abandon you (you cannot be in the EU). it is all you will never cope on your own, to be honest you are lucky we put up with you.
obviously you may not get a lot of the scaremongering that we are exposed to every day North of the border but I am coming to the conclusion that we (the Scots) are being Emotionally abused by George Osbourne. (definite FW!)
There is no, hey this really works, we are good together, please don't go the UK benefits from having you here, how can we make this work better for everyone.

I am not making a bit for independence- just saying the better together campaign is running an ironically abusive negative campaign of running Scotland down to force persuade us to stay in the union disclaimer this comment is about the No campaign specifically not about any of the people of the rest of the UK! we luffs you all. (except GO!)

Yup FW thinks he owns me. He also texted for money. I don't have it anyway.

YY mink, I have wondered similar but not been able to articulate it that clearly. FW employed all those arguments against independence. Which used to annoy me when he would hold forth on it in such a negative way especially south of the border (those stupid Scots on their gravy train in cloud cuckoo land) when he is not even Scottish and I was there and not even asked my opinion. But yes, I agree with what you say. That said, this govt is about inequality generally which is what abuse is about too in a way.

Colin I am so surprised he asked for money - Not! Doubtless that's why he wanted to meet.

Yes silvery. I am always surprised though that he thinks he actually can ask and then gets huffy when I say no. It was bad enough when we were together! Never mind now we aren't.

Strange how we are always surprised when they just keep on being FW, isn't it? I kept expecting reasonable responses right to the end, it was impressive how he managed to be unreasonable over the smallest detail.

Have had a big showdown with FW this morning. Saw him for about half an hour with DS before he went to work. He asked me if I'd type his annual review thing like I'd been coerced into done before.
Told him no. Got a load of bile about how it works both ways, I won't be getting any help from him, once we're divorced I will be banned from the house and it will be worth seeing less of the dc to be rid of me.
DS was only going to be there for another 15 mins or so, so I didn't say anything.
Then FW went on to say he doesn't think I've thought the divorce through properly. I will have to see how I like coping on my own as my family are getting fed up with DS being a typical toddler. I apparently will have to get myself a man as I won't manage on my own.
Do I realise there won't be any holidays anymore?
Also, he is apparently, a devoted family man who only did things for me and the dc. Our marriage was no worse than others. He says he gave me a good life.
I was told I only remember the bad bits and if it was so awful I've obviously made the right decision.
Except he obviously doesn't believe all the stuff about wanting rid of me as he then asked me what I was doing for sex told me he was feeling randy and then kissed me and pressed up against my back and told me I'd have to come round later!
I walked away whilst making it clear that wasn't going to happen.
Still can't believe how deluded he is.

hi ladies, I'm reading along but as usual nothing constructive to add, feeling overwhelmed by the reality of the situation.

Sorry to be a bit me-me-me as ever but need to rant, I've been lurking but not actually doing anything re LTB, putting things off until after DD finishes exams but... today has been awful, I really think he is showing his true colours. The main thing is, since I started posting here and confirming through various sources (Lundy etc) that our problems are actually his problems, for the most part, it is hard to un-see things as NOT being all his problem and makes me react differently, or with a different ulterior motive, so once again I wonder if it is ME who is causing or at least escalating the problems!

This morning... well just about an hour ago he got annoyed about some things, won't go into detail, but just to do with the fact that no one is available to do things with him today except for DS, and DS doesn't want to. So I tried to tell him that by treating DS badly he is alienating him so why not think about being nicer to him for a change I said that it hurt me to see the situation where he clearly wants to have DS hang out with him but DS doesn't want to because it always ends up in a huge argument over something stupid such as H accusing DS of having taken the last coke when H is the only one in the family who drinks coke (DS drinks coke zero occasionally but NEVER drinks regular, etc etc) and DS doesn't back down like I do. Anyway I probably shouldn't have said that?!

H fumed for a few minutes then called me downstairs (I've got some work to do, freelance, for the first time in months/years/ages and H has been nagging me to get back to work so should be happy but instead sees it as impinging on his life as I cannot be at his beck and call) and started ranting at me, the main theme being 'what about me, you all spend all my money and it's never about me and you all hate me, you're telling me that DS hates me...' and he was being aggressive but I continued to talk and tell him that I never meant to say that DS hated him... then he threw a full cup of coffee on the floor, shattering the mug and it went everywhere. I started crying, not hysterically, then went upstairs... he waited a while then cleaned up the kitchen (just where the mug was, not the whole kitchen) took the dog and left. No apologies, nothing.

Great. And I have to do this work, not as simple as I thought it would be because the work had to be sent with the files in a different format as they are using an old (bootlegged) copy of the software... so it would be a tricky day any way but now I'm upset, yet again. Thinking of calling WA, wondering about just renting a flat and moving out but DD's exams coming up, and she's more concerned about getting a dress sorted out for prom, lots of things going on as she's only got a month left of school and my main goal has been to keep things calm... secretly hoping that he never comes back. No actually not a secret! It would be so so nice if he just stayed away for the next two months, fishing. OMG that would be so nice. I would pay to set him up with a girlfriend-- though it would have to be using 'his' money...

colin silvery I often wonder do they know it is unreasonable and are just hoping to bluff it out. i.e. they are trying it on and hoping you won't notice? or are they so entitled they do actually think this is totally ok?
I find the latter so hard to believe apart from anything is suggests they are monumentally stupid and yet....

what a brilliant deal for you Colin. you must stay at home until he says you can go out. it is definitely finished and he is not coming back and you are not to text him. oh but you do get the pleasure of still paying for him. cannot believe you are not jumping at the chance.

what a total parasite. time he found a new host me thinks.

no, no, no and no! FW!!!

I hope he does not come crawling back when he runs out of beer money.

match his arguments against your independence. all you won't manage without me. where is the bit where you actually get something positive from him...like him changing into a decent husband. it is amazing how much easier it is to do all the coping with toddler etc. that you already do without having to put up with a FW.

exes plan to get 'favours' was

1. to demand them and shout and swear if you didn't jump to it (what is wrong with asking nicely) the way he carried on you would think he was doing you a favour
2. threaten to never help me again (no loss there he did f all most of the time)
3. deny you had ever helped him with anything alomst immediataly afterwards whilst also denying he had shouted at you AND telling you it was his fault he had shouted anyway because you are such a c*nt who never helps him with anything and telling you well that is the last time I ever do anything for you!

I would often be quite willing to help but it always ended up going down this incredibly painful destructive route. I think it must be something to do with him feeling like he is letting you have some control over him by being beholden to you (instead of seeing this as a normal part of a relationship) and also because it interferes with his self image as the poor victim who must struggle on alone while no one ever helps him despite him being my 'domestic slave' (he hoovered once last year (the floor- not me))

oh match it must be something in the air this morning, I had to drop everything I was doing and type up an email for H this morning, I really help him because he is dyselexic and isn't able to proofread his work so it's quicker if I just type for him while he dicates out what he wants to say... you'd think that they would show a bit of appreciation!

Hey Nini - I'll have a with you (but I'll have it in a mug so no-one knows, shhhh). How are you feeling, given the day? Lots of thinking?

Colin, sorry, but once again your FW made me laugh! He should be on stage somewhere. He's hilarious!

Mink that's an interesting way of looking at the campaign. I always think politics is a bit of a FW anyway - all the campaign around election time basically slagging off the other party/person rather than bigging up (ahem) their own party. Generally, politics is a big bully!

Matchsticks - that's awful behaviour from him! Am utterly appalled that he says all that then tries to persuade you to have sex with him. He is horrid! And that's sexually aggressive as well. Can you tell him that if he touches you like that again, there will be a repercussions?

I have just been kind of told off by my counsellor! Apparently she said we (both of us) need to stop laughing so much in our sessions. She said I'm funny and I make her laugh too much! I think for me, as I said a few days ago, humour has always been my defense mechanism. And, thinking about it, I think it's also my way to feel worthwhile - if people laugh at the things I say, it makes me feel good about myself.

Hello all, been lurking for a while and after a heads up from Silver have just realised you all know my FW!! Having read some stuff about ea and narc behaviour realised that my STBXH. Is a FW!
I am here going YYY!!
No time to post in full now but will pop in again later and thank god I have found you all, have a nice dayxx

Pony the twisted thing with him is, whenever we'd had a major row or I'd come back after having left, he was always really turned on. How awful to be turned on in those circumstances?