support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Match just had to log in and express

he has some FW friends I believe that have lent him their script - family man! you never had it so good/no worse than anyone else/won't cope alone/its your fault/demonising toddler v what a wonderful father he is all this in front of DS Especially excruciating recognising the sexual assault (the thrusting from behind with heat,ed promises threats of making love fucking you over again later. Mmmm, when you put it so beautifully FW, after such a stream of abuse, what lady in her right mind could possibly refuse! Just what are they like!!!

Hello Silvery No, am not expecting any kind of normal behaviour from FW anymore, only more of the same! I feel I am disappointingly well versed in the script of the FW now to expct nothing else. Although, of course this is a very good thing! just feels sad really to have come to this place of reality finally

I have to do 'present and correct' today, the night was remarkably tame. Seem to be hanging on... I think I might book myself an NB for the w/end when I can let go! I have lots of heavy objects around to keep my feet firmly on the floor! Strange but true, weird but it works xxx

oh Myname where I'm at right now, and in your situation, I would have to tell him to not come back, clothes left in bin bags at police station, and they've been advised of his FW behaviour. Its something I found impossible to try to carry on working after these terrifying dramas. As time went on it took me longer and longer to recover as i got less and less resilient. I hope you can get your work achieved, despite the fucker!

Sign that contract Colin too good to pass up! absolutely ignore, File, Save as, 'evidence for later/validation

agreeing about GO being FW defo, hopefully noones FF!?

thanks very Fly I am hanging onto tightly to DCat too he's starting to look at bit threadbear from all the hugging! y y to the feeling good enough, but you are good enough already, and with some of the self-protection mechanisms taught us from life FW, ticked in our toolkits, we move on to better loving r/s xxx

duno if making any sense this afternoon. right off to work through list put the coffee on

Keeping thoughts with Tis and really want to just hear Maggie again, just to know she's ok.

mink how familiar does all that sound, about your ex and helping. I just feel so bad at the moment, in his world he is the only one who matters and it's all about him, I think he actually thinks that he is a superior person because he can't do menial tasks.

Someone once commented to him that he has a hint of aristocracy about him, because he is so adept at treating people as his servants... when he related this story to me he was bragging, no jokes. I accepted this (?!) thinking that it's because I am from the USA and thought must be a cultural thing that I didn't understand. But I don't think it was meant as a compliment

It's amazing and somewhat comforting to find so many FW's acting in such a similar manner, but well done for all those who are actually doing something about it! Methinks time for action of some sort is near. Gah.

Fairy

Match is he perhaps hoping for a (ahem) make-up sex session, to put everything right? I really think that some men think they can fix everything with their almightly d*cks but that's too deeply psychological! Pity the poor man!

thatsnot, I'd say that's it in a nutshell.

day of heavy Fwittery today. (not for me thankfully) but ((hugs)) as appropriate.

also wishing for news of gb. just to know she is till out there somewhere, even if she did not leave, I hope she would come back and speak to us when she can.

you can really rest assured about her Mink In very good hands now I think would be the phrase, whilst maintaining anonymity xx PM if you want any more info. (code breaking).

I really got convinced that a post verbal assault and all the rest stiffy was the normal response

Turns out its a double-binder in trauma bonding terms! [horror] high stress, fear, associated with another bonding experience of sex. RUN FOR THE HILLS!

aw ... Riviera (((hugs))) - for Curtis?

kicks self

Feeling very melancholy and sad, Curtis. More ? I mean, more ?

In counselling, FW said he thought things would be better if we cuddled had sex more, and he was always up for a 'make-up' session, Match. Totally not the right response for a normal person to have. In my experience since a lot of men think everything is solved by sex, a 'make-up' session is part of you 'forgiving and forgetting'. If that makes sense. Never has worked on me may I add. FW doesn't seem to grasp that in order to want to sleep with someone, I have to actually like who they are as a PERSON.

Hi all, sorry about all the FWittery, however you seem to be seeing it for what it is.

I was talking for some time last night to an Understanding Friend, and I realised, between her and MN, that my way of showing how miserable I was just added fuel to the idea that I was mentally ill. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

I am not sure that it is make up sex. i am afraid they actually get turned on by the abuse. they like to control. that is part of the reason they do it. boak.

Nini - completely understandable. Have another restorative , er I mean . But things have moved on with you, I think, you are in a different place mentally than a year ago. You have plans!!!! Go for it.

Not sure why Riviera's disappeared (wasn't it a different name before?) - Fi, I wasn't sure if your hugs were for me?????

I posted under my apparently hidden name which is why it disappeared...such a doofus today . Post was identical. You're right Curtis, my head is in a totally different place, which is good. I feel more in control even if physically I havn't.

Mink, there's some truth to what you say. It's all part of the abuse.

Aaaah, that makes sense now, I thought I'd missed something and I had! no more for Nini! Sometimes, feeling that you are more in control is important. And you are - as well as your plan which he knows nothing about (knowledge is power), you are also armed with an awful lot of information and resources, not to mention resolution, that you didn't have at this point last year. It's all going in the right direction for you.

And I'm armed with you guys. even if I'm rubbish about staying in touch and vanish for weeks on end

Nini - just wanted to send positivity to you today. I imagine it's a day of mixed feelings . In a way it was a positive thing as led to the escape, but very very hard to remember I'm sure.

overthe meant to say hi earlier. welcome.

^Charlotte - him lying to you about ringing Respect and about the questions he was asked is EA right there. And yes, I think he has lied about ringing them. And even if not, what he's saying is: you are making a mountain out of a molehill, even an abuse charity thinks so.
^

pony, I see your point; and what is worse is that I believe him for the most part. I remind him of the unacceptable stuff he's done and he says I should've tried harder to get through to him that I wanted him to be different. Which I guess I know is crap, as the only thing to have got through to him in 12 years together is "I'm leaving you!"

But the conviction that he's abusive has gone. At the moment, he's not being controlling, but he's not owning up to past behaviours much either.

I'm no good at all at spotting unreasonable behaviour, anyway. If match's FW said all that to me, I'd believe him and feel bad. Oh, and FP's been cancelled for the time being due to the sudden death of the leader . I'm ok without FP, though. As long as I have MN to remind me what's normal and what isn't...

Are you having any individual counselling, Charlotte?

Not any more. Maybe counselling from a DA specialist would be useful, but I just had the general sort. I've really had enough of talking for the time being, though!

Just looked through that briefing paper on the Respect website - it did have a lot of reference to violence and fear as being markers of abusive relationships. Our relationship has never had that - I'm scared of crossing him, but that's probably because I'm an extreme conflict-avoider. I think it did have an element of coercive control, though - that sort that looks like freedom of choice, but the wrong choice somehow leads to a lot of hassle until the other choice is taken...

Thanks Bounty . I'm not actually physically out yet, but I am getting there in my mind. I've been thinking about it almost all day today (and what I was doing this exact time last year) but I'm strangely not bothered by it. It wasn't the first time, and I'm not even sure it'll be the last. Like most, if not all forms of abuse, the more it happens, the more used to it you get. The first time (there's only been 2 occasions when he's physically hurt me) - I was in bits. Second time, not as bad.

We've had yet another row tonight. Long story. He's trying to be controlling, I spotted him behaviour and am pushing back. We're not talking and I couldn't care less.

Hey Charlotte. Second Match's question. Having individual counselling has helped me to recognise sometimes when he's being abusive. Doesn't always work but does help. Just remember, the cycles of good and bad are just that - cycles. The fact that he is in a 'good' phase does not mean he won't be 'bad' again. If that makes sense.

Whoops, sorry Charlotte, x-post. Maybe for now try to focus on seeing through the spaghetti-head fog they give out when trying to control? I'm finding that hard myself, like trying to reprogramme yourself after a lifetime!

oh sorry nini I thought you were out. There are so many of us now it's hard to keep track of who's in, who's out and who's somewhere in the middle. But good that you don't care about the row - I guess that makes you firmly at somewhere in the middle

But the conviction that he's abusive has gone. At the moment, he's not being controlling, but he's not owning up to past behaviours much either.

Charlotte - don't make any decision about anything. Give him time to prove himself/or not. Tell him he's got to keep this up for six months (with no pressure to move you abroad).
And at the end of the day, it's like I said before - EA or not, it's about whether you are happy to stay in the relationship or not, and feel happy and content that your H is meeting all your needs and is respecting you/treating you like an equal.