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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me make sense of my marriage.

161 replies

ISeeBeforeMe · 10/04/2013 11:56

Hi

For the last couple of nights my husband has been really moody with me because I haven't wanted to have sex. He stormed around the flat in the night and then huffed off to work.

I suddenly feel like I have just woken up. Like unless I act in a certain way, he will be mad at me, and that I have just done certain things so that he will be happy.

i feel really sad. I left uni when i married and have no access to money, except grocery money.

I just feel so low, like there is nothing I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ISeeBeforeMe · 13/04/2013 11:36

Hi,

Thanks for the tip about easement and jsa. I will talk to the support worker first thing Monday before my appointment. The lady at the council was v kind to me when i took in my housing benefit forms. I have heard the job centre are more scary.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 13/04/2013 13:22

No we're not Wink

You should be treated with respect and courtesy, if that is not the case, complain.

I'm sure it will be fine, take care x

TroublesomeEx · 13/04/2013 16:54

OP, i've just read your thread. You are amazing.

I can pretty much guarantee that you will look back on this week this time next year and not believe how much your life has changed for the better. x

Badvoc · 13/04/2013 17:09

Wow.
Well done you!
Flowers

YoniBottsBumgina · 13/04/2013 20:43

Hoe your first 24 hours of freedom passed without incident, ISee.

Do pop in for a chat even if you don't have anything in particular to "say" - can be good to just have someone to talk to occasionally.

MsFanackerPants · 13/04/2013 20:50

I am also very proud of you, if that doesn't sound strange to say. You are so much braver than you think and I hope that today is just the first day of a very bright and happy future.

cjel · 13/04/2013 21:52

I just started to read this and felt very worried for you and then WOW you'd left. I cried. I am so pleased for you. Take all the advice you can from the people around you. I hope you have a lovely night listening to you music whenever you want!!!

MissPB · 13/04/2013 22:32

I am so pleased for you what a brave move but it is the right one. Lots of people on MN are cheering for you tonight x sleep soundly x

thecook · 13/04/2013 22:46

Hello love

So glad you left your husband What a piece of shite he was.

I read that you are in London. There is a charity called Dress for Success in Islington. Run by fabulous ladies. Ask for a referral from the Job Centre. They provide clothes for a job interview. I got a suit, shirt, tights, shoes off them. They choose you an outfit. Lovely stuff too. TM Lewin, Autograph etc.

thecook · 13/04/2013 22:48

Good luck OP. If you need a chat PM me. I am in Maida Vale.

Piemother · 14/04/2013 01:08

I have just cried reading this. What amazing courage you have op Grin

Original poster
ISeeBeforeMe · 14/04/2013 07:49

Beautiful morning.

i ate a chocolate sundae for my dinner last night. Just because.

does anyone know how long after i have been to the job centre, will it take for me to receive any money?? The little bit of cash i have is running out fast. Mostly on bus and tube. Thanks

OP posts:
beeny · 14/04/2013 07:56

Just wanted to say I work as a barrister and your story is so uplifting.Well done for having the courage to believe.Sorry i dont know how long it will take to get your money.Perhaps you can apply for a crisis loan.

Original poster
ISeeBeforeMe · 14/04/2013 08:02

Thanks so much everyone.

Starting again with nothing, surely means the only way is up.

I thought I had something before when I was with him.But it was an illusion. I was just his property. Everything was in his sole name. All bills,etc.

I used to get sad because I never ever got any letters.

That reminds me. I need to open a bank account on Mon. My first one since the Halifax savings acct. I had when i was little. The one with the money box shaped like a house. :)

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 14/04/2013 08:09

You've done an amazing thing OP.
Flowers

cjel · 14/04/2013 08:39

Morning OP. Starting again can be exciting, I'm sure that there is someway you can get emergency money. Your post this morning sounded quite cheerful, Hope you have a lovely day, Got any plans?

Original poster
ISeeBeforeMe · 14/04/2013 08:46

Yes-i am seeing all my friends for lunch! They are bringing things i have forgotten like towels!

OP posts:
cjel · 14/04/2013 08:50

Brilliant, Your new life is starting already!!

TurnipCake · 14/04/2013 09:27

Well done OP. I lost a lot of material possessions when I left an abusive ex; but I came away much happier and the better person. Take little steps and you will be amazed how different your life will be in a few months.

You will be hit with a "OMG what have I done!?" It's normal, it passes. Onwards and upwards :)

Kundry · 14/04/2013 11:52

Well done -you are amazing!

On the bank account front, Halifax has an Easycash account which is very much bare bones, doesn't need a regular depositor evidence of regular direct debits like many current accounts.

KatieScarlett2833 · 14/04/2013 12:35

When you go to the JCP ask for a short term benefit advance at your new claim appointment. You qualify. Sadly, crisis loans are no more. Ask for the number for the Local Authority Crisis GRANT team and call them, telling them what you need.

Original poster
ISeeBeforeMe · 16/04/2013 12:07

:(

well I went to the job centre yesterday. That was ok, i wasn't there long and they were v nice, buy since then I have been in bed.

I feel so low. Still in bed now. Don't know why. My body just feels heavy. Sorry to be a downer.

OP posts:
Skillbo · 16/04/2013 12:27

Oh Isee - I am sorry to hear you're feeling so low today. And don't worry about being a downer - the ladies on here, myself included, know how it is so up and down at the start so keep posting if you can.

Could you also maybe call one of the friends you had lunch with the other day - I am sure that they would want you to call and you wouldn't even have to get out of bed.

Just remember that you've done the best possible thing you could and, whilst there will be bad days, they'll become less frequent until the good outweigh the bad and then, one day, the bad will be gone for good - if that makes sense, too many goods and bads Smile

chocoreturns · 16/04/2013 12:28

you have had an incredibly traumatic experience, and been carried through by adrenaline. Now you are able to relax, it's not surprising that you feel completely wiped out. It's totally normal. If you need to sleep and cry, and then sleep and cry some more, just allow it to happen. You won't feel this way forever - it's just part of the process and it will pass. Better out that in :)

I went on the WA Freedom Course this year and I have felt all kinds of emotions since leaving my abusive ex. It's a bit of a rollercoaster, but no matter what point you are at (up or down) remember that it is always better than it was back where you were with him. Every step - even the upsetting ones - are taking you further away from the nightmare you were in before.

So proud of you, well done. xx

colafrosties · 16/04/2013 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.