please help me make sense of my marriage.

[ISeeBeforeMe]

Hi

For the last couple of nights my husband has been really moody with me because I haven't wanted to have sex. He stormed around the flat in the night and then huffed off to work.

I suddenly feel like I have just woken up. Like unless I act in a certain way, he will be mad at me, and that I have just done certain things so that he will be happy.

i feel really sad. I left uni when i married and have no access to money, except grocery money.

I just feel so low, like there is nothing I can do.

i feel like bad stuff is in the past.

Will post later when I have something to say!

Anyone else who reads this don't be scared to get help.

Nite x

Possibly. Normal to feel numb/adrenaline at first IME. The sadness will come later, and euphoria - it's not all bad. :) Plus apocalyptic missing him and wondering if you've done the right thing. Be prepared because it knocks you for six - you HAVE done absolutely 100% the right thing and he will not change for all the promises he throws at you. In fact with no children to worry about, best thing is to go no contact so he doesn't even get the chance :) You are FREE! But yep - take things one day at a time, one stage at a time.

If you're beginning to wobble, there are some things you can do:

• make a list of the worst things about him, the obvious things and silly things (maybe he had stinky feet or he left the lid off the toothpaste or something?)
• make plans for the future, big ones like maybe going to visit a particular country or getting a dog or training for a particular career or fantasy house shopping on rightmove,

• small ones like "I'm going to save my change until I have enough for a starbucks coffee and then I'm going to enjoy it" or going clothes shopping and choosing the clothes that YOU want or just for the hell of it, something you know he'd hate.
• Contact a friend you've lost touch with since being in the relationship.
• come on mumsnet - best remedy ever.
• see if there is any counselling etc you can access through the refuge - in fact, do this anyway, will be vv helpful even if you feel fine :)

Do you have a window? I love sleeping in a ridiculously hot room with a window cracked so there's a breeze. Lovely.

Goodnight ISee.

Wow, I'm lucky enough to have a loving relationship with my DH which is far away from what you have described. I'm counting my blessings and standing in great respect of your courage.

Nothing constructive but good luck with your future and hope you have a good night's sleep!

Oh wow! Well done you. [Clapping and cheering emoticon]

I'm so happy for you. Here's to your future. The one where you get to decide it.

Along with making a negative list of all your ex's bad stuff, why not balance it with all the positive stuff, you'd like to do now you are free to make your own decisions. Yeah!

Well done - you have been really brave Post on here if you want some company. Why don't you think about doing some voluntary work just to get out and also to build up some work experience.

ISeeBeforeMe - a bright and happy future x

Where are your family OP? What do/did they think of your situation? Would they support what you have done - I hope so.

Well done

Can I ask what benefit WA have advised you to claim? ESA or JSA? Make sure you ask DWP to have your record treated as 'sensitive' This just ensures that extra safeguards are put in place regarding your personal details.

I am so pleased for you, darling. Well done!

I'm sure you'll find your feet and start making friends soon, but I also hope you'll keep posting here :)

Enjoy your weekend. xxx

Well done you :) onwards and upwards.

best of luck for the future ISee, I am blown away by your courage.

ISee - I've been a lurker for the last 18 months or so and I had to sign up tonight after seeing you've got to safety. This may sound odd coming from a complete stranger but I am very proud of you. You've done something many women have thought about doing but haven't had the bravery to go through with. Here's to your bright future!

Thank you for all your kind words. I don't really feel brave.

It makes so much difference feeling safe. I have dyslexia and for the last few months it has been getting worse and worse, and today it is far more manageable.

I just played all my favourite songs on my computer and nobody told me to shut up.

It feels weird being my age (30 cough cough) and having nothing. I have to go to the jobcentre on monday.They sent me a txt! claiming jsa.

I will try and sleep now.

Well done, op. so glad you got away from him. Now you can set about sorting yourself out and actually enjoying your life and your freedom. Sending very best wishes

Wow! You are so brave. I hope my daughter is as brave as you when she grows up. Now- you have a whole life to plan and enjoy! I'm sure you will have wobbles but it will be lovely remembering who you are and what you like to do.

I just had a thought op. Don't go back to your evening class. He might try to wait for you after it.

Well done, well done, well done! I hope you have a wonderful life full to the brim of you. :)

Oh GOd, that is brilliant.

Onwards and upwards!

If you can, please tell the Jobcentre you are in a refuge and take along some proof, you can get up to 13 weeks easement of having to look for work to give you time to get organised in your new life.
Well done OP, you are doing brilliantly

katiescarlet makes a very good point, it is very important that you're not just thrown in at the deep end regarding signing on.
Staff may not be aware about the period of easement as they do not frequently deal with people fleeing domestic violence.
Don't feel too embarrassed to mention it, there is NO way that you're in a position to meet the full conditions of claiming at the moment.

YY I agree. May be difficult to find work without a permanent address too so hopefully they give you some leeway until you get onto your feet.

WA are brilliant and should help you find a place to live and support you with everything that you need - make sure you access all the support that you can.

I'm glad you got away. Do talk to the other people in the shelter because you're all essentially in the same boat and, rather like MumsNet, there's a lot of support to be had from women going through the same experience together. Very best of luck.